Please tell help me stay sane

[Needagoodslapnow]

Have name changed, semi regular.

Have had a very difficult relationship with husband for over 5 years now. We've been together for about 12. He has had 2 affairs that I know of. The first when I was pregnant with DC2 - we'd been together for about 4 years at the time. I got very suspicious about his relationship with a work colleague, but he managed to worm his way out and make me feel like I was being mental and hormonal.

The second affair happened about 3 years later, and this time I caught him. Even though I'd suspected an affair before, my world collapsed. He'd been (so I thought) my best friend. We'd known each other for years before even getting together and shared a lot of friends, so he enjoyed complete trust from me as I thought I 'knew' him. I also stupidly believed that we had something incredibly special and that he'd never want to throw that away. Everyone thinks he's such a wonderful guy and I believed he was too. I had two small children. My Dad had recently died and my Mum was seriously ill at the time. I then also got made redundant. I pretty much went into meltdown.

When he got caught he did what most of the liars and cheats seem to do, just go into cover your arse mode, denied almost everything and just pretended that he was really sorry. The onus was on me to 'forgive' him. We went to counselling, but I didn't get a lot out, now I realise because he was sitting there lying to me and the counsellor, so I wouldn't would I? My mum put quite a lot of pressure on me to 'think of the children' and she kept saying things like 'but you still love him, don't you.'. My relationship with my mum is a whole other story. But sadly she passed away 2 years ago.

I think I've basically been suffering from a low level depression ever since finding out the truth. I've felt alienated from friends because I either haven't told them and they act like I have this perfect life and tell me how lucky I am because husband earns so much money and we have a nice house. The friends who I have told seem almost to have stepped back - perhaps because I'm such a shadow of the woman I used to be. I honestly used to be confident and funny and sure of myself. Now I have so little confidence. Whenever I start to feel better, just one little thing knocks it down again.

There is so much more I could tell you about how this relationship has pulled me apart. I didn't know the term 'gaslighting' before coming on MN, but my husband is a master of it. He makes me feel that I am being unreasonable and just keeps up the pretence for months until I believe that I am too.

Anyway, I am currently studying - trying to start a new career in an area that I love and really want to work in. I have so much to do and exams start in two weeks time. I just want to get through these - but I need a good result get the job I want - a third won't do it. I have done well so far, and just need to keep it up.

The thing is, I've found out today that my husband has been using prostitutes. For me, that really is the end. I think he's probably been using them all the time. I feel so sick. He doesn't know I know, but I can't look at him because I feel such disgust for him. I know the marriage is over - it should have been over a long time ago, but because of all the things above I didn't have the strength to finish it.

But the thing is - I just can't do it now. I need to do well in these exams - I need to get through this, put it out of my mind until the end of May. I can't deal with his crying/begging & telling the children at the moment. What can I do to let my mind calm down and concentrate on what I need to do? How can I keep going until the exams are finished. This is so important to me, it's the first time in years that i've felt good at something again. I can't let him destroy this for me.

If I were you I'd get down to the GP, get counselling/meds whatever you need to get you through 'til May.

Don't reveal your hand. Don't let him know you know. Keep your gunpowder dry.

Study and meanwhile prepare to leave. Collect all the relevant paperwork etc.

Think of yourself as an actress. Find excuses not to sleep with him.

Hi OP, I'm nowhere near as knowledgeable as other posters on here, but just wanted to offer some support whilst you're waiting for them -

If you can, stay focused on yourself/studies and your DCs for the next few weeks. Once you have exams out of the way, your head may be clearer and you might feel more able to think clearly about what steps to take.

Focus on what you have to do. Come on here and rant as often as you need to. On the day of your last exam, pack his bag and tell him to leave. No explanation apart from you know what he has been doing and it is the end. No discussion, no pleading, no excuses, no dialogue. That's it. Line Crossed. Game Over.

You poor love. Try to look at the bright side though, with this latest discovery, he's made it absolutely as easy as can be. There is literally no come back from this.

Bide your time, you can do this, you have to.

It'll be OK, it'll be better than OK, you r H has giftwrapped your freedom from his disgusting treatment of you and handed it to you on a plate. Keep any evidence you have of his prostitute use safe in case you need to use it to get him out.

Exactly DGC - an actress, that's what you are :)

Thanks for your replies. I'm a bit of a mess at the moment. The very thought of telling the kids makes me want to be sick - and I know it's not my fault and i have no choice, but it's still me that's going to have to look at their faces.

I did try anti-depressants a couple of years ago, but gave up after 3 months as they didn't seem to be helping . I think I will go back again. Even if I don't take them, it will be an excuse not to sleep with him, be distant.

Thanks. I can't believe I've become this woman, never in my life did I think a man would be able to bring me so far down for so long.

Hi OP. You sound like an amazing woman. It feels to me that you're half way there. All you need to do is keep yourself sane until May. I agree with the last post, go for some AD's if you think they will help. Your DH is weak and doesn't deserve you. In the words of the shiny faced Prof Cox, things can only get better. Sorry to make light of it (I'm hoping it made you smile). Good luck and you will not let him destroy anything more, especially not this. I find affirmations and writing all my emotions down really help me get through hard times.

AD's are all different -it might well be worth a try with another kind. I have been on two different kinds. One was rubbish and the other was very good.

Forget about telling the kids for now. Cross that bridge when you come to it.

Right now focus, focus, focus on you and your exams and your DC's as well.

OK thanks ladies. Have had a good cry and feel a bit better already, just having some emotional back up.

Focus, focus, focus.

It's all about me, right?

Thanks. I'm off for a hot bath now.

Good girl. Have a lovely bath. Nothing needs to be done urgently. Focus is the name of the game. Oh, and being very kind to yourself.

Honey, YOU have not become this woman, your H has become THAT man, the one that let HIS family down. You dearheart have been the one to hold it all together all this time, in spite of his best efforts to destroy it. He has let himself down. You however, once free, will rise back up to the top, and he will remain with the bottom feeders.

The fact that your relationship has lasted for as long as it has done is down to YOUR grit, determination and tenacity. The fact that it has to end now is down to his heinous stupidity and disgusting treatment of women, both you and these girls.

Put it all to the back of your mind, you can blame all kinds of upcoming odd behaviour on your looming exams.

It IS all about YOU. Never forget that we are always here, you need us, you holler? OK?

Sending you support love

Just promise me one thing

Never sleep with this pathetic excuse for a man, ever again

Please

Mind yourself op, enjoy your bath.

Take care of yourself and the DCs and make the exams a priority. When they are over, do as someone else suggested, pack his bag and tell him to leave. Let him know you are aware of the affairs and the prostitutes. Get yourself tested for STIs. All the best, you deserve it.

Ur in control now ,u know what u want and ur reaching out to grab it with both hands.
U will rid urself of this bloke and when he is gone you will flourish x

How are you feeling this morning OP? I hope you got some sleep; sometimes things seem more manageable in the morning.

Don't worry about telling your DCs until you're ready. I think for the moment your focus really should be on getting through the next few weeks, collecting your paperwork, steeling yourself a bit. You only need to tell them once you're ready to make a move, as it were, though I know that the need to talk to them might seem great, if only for a bit of solidarity. Come on here instead, lots of solidarity for you when you need it.

The girls on the feminism board may be able to speak a bit more on this bit, but sleeping with him will make you feel weaker, and take away any control you feel that you have. Don't do it. You don't even need an excuse - it is your body, in no way is he entitled to enter it, with his penis or otherwise. Likewise for your mind; you will feel much stronger if you don't give him the opportunity to mess with you or make you feel as though you're 'mental', so try not to enter into discussion about how you are, etc. Don't let slip what's going on, tell him you're stressed about exams. If he tries anything like "you're uptight, what you need is a good fuck" (though he may be more delicate about it than that) remember that it is his way of trying to control you.

I hope that was supportive and helpful, not just a rant. It's all about you now, you and your DCs are all that matter. x

You have gone through so much OP, I really feel for you. You must make yourself your priority now. You will soon be shot of him; after all the crap you've taken, the use of prostitutes is the deal breaker, there is no going back now. So like another poster said, try and be an actress for another month or so; keep your mind focused on your exams, because they are important. I would definitely see GP asap. Ask for a different type of AD, and please give them a try. If you weren't on Citalopram before, then that often has good effect within two weeks. If you were on Citalopram, and it didn't help - then there are lots of alternatives, that work in a different way to it, one of those may be the answer. (I'm a MH nurse by the way, and have seen the wonderful benefits of ADs but getting the right one and the right doseage is vital).

Good luck - I too am putting on an act, but for the sake of my kids - some days I could win a bloody Oscar!

Thank you ladies.

Not feeling too good actually. Just keep crying. I am trying to keep everything close to my chest, but I'm such a bad actress when I'm really upset, which is why he's been able to control things for so long. He is such a good liar and game player, so he's always had all the cards and all the information, and I was there giving him all the information because I was trying to be honest and genuine and build a relationship worth having. God I feel soooo stupid.

I have booked an appointment to see the GP tomorrow though, so hopefully I'll get some help. I just really need to shut this out of mind. But if things are really bad, I will come on here and rant so I don't say anything to my husband.

Going out for a run now to see if it clears my head. Thanks again

The running's a great idea. Sorry you're going through this.

You've had a tough time of it one way or another, but you have the strength to pull yourself back. Getting rid of a lying turd who messes with your head, making you believe you're weak and mad when you are neither, is going to be one stage of that recovery.

You aren't stupid to be honest and genuine. He's stupid because he doesn't know how to be those things. If you could lie to him as well as he lied to you, what kind of relationship could you ever have? A crap one on both sides, that's what. While you're raising tomorrow's citizens and studying to make a new career for yourself, he's been focussed on his dick. Who is the pathetic person here? Doesn't sound like it's you. And who's going to be the sucker who loses their home and family? Doesn't sound like that's going to be you either.

You can do it. It doesn't sound like the right thing to do, to put yourself under this additional stress for the next six weeks - I would much rather you packed his bags and kicked him out now... BUT, you are the one privy to all the facts, not me, so if you say this is your best option - then it's your best option :) (Just have a good think about it ).

Really you just have to thank god that you are able to see him for what he is and are going to leave him.

Don't think about it, don't think about when you tell the kids, don't think about being on your own - none of that. Trust in yourself that you will cope with everything and stick it in a box to deal with when the time is right.

Right now you need to work your arse off and do well in your exams.

Get yourself fully tested.

Act your socks off with H and have a lot of headaches.

I'm not worried about you - I know you are going to be just fine... I can tell from the way you write!! x

So sorry you're going through such a shitty time. I'm sure other posters can offer much better advice than I can re: the affairs but I'm wondering whether your uni/college has a mitigating circumstances process?

The break up of a marriage is a big deal. Don't push yourself too hard, especially at this crucial time.

I know my uni mitigation team were really helpful when my mum had an aneurysm in my third year.

That's a good point by madonna. If you feel your studying is being affected by all this, whether you bring it into the open or not yet with your h, you may find it can be taken into account by the uni. Talk to your tutor so you can start that process if needs be, and you could also access counselling services through the uni for support. If it's OU I don't know what they offer, though.

Could you focus on making your studies a symbol of the new, positive, interesting life and career that lies ahead, and really try and EMBRACE your subject in this way for the next few weeks? This I think could be your tactic for getting good results under these difficult circumstances.

What I mean is, rather than seeing your studies and exams as a massive set of hurdles to overcome, and kind of gritting your teeth to get through and pass whilst you struggle not to focus on your H's actions, can you turn them into your means of escape from the current situation, a part of your therapy? Lose yourself in your studies, read and read around your subject, thinking 'This is what my future is going to be like. No H, instead I'll be getting my teeth into solving interesting problems just like this one I'm reading about now. While I'm doing it, I'll be surrounded by new, interesting colleagues. I'll be earning GOOD MONEY, being paid to be part of this world. My children will end up more secure, I will meet new friends, perhaps a new partner should I so desire'. You say you love this area (an industry?) and look forward to a good career in it, so hopefully you could try this mental approach. Dive into your lovely studies and really immerse yourself as much as possible. Start BECOMING that woman who is a professional 'xxx', with all her specialist knowledge. Let it start symbolising the new, permanent distance between you and your H and his sorry little mess. You're strapping on those wings and are about to fly straight over his head and out with your lovely children.

So pick up the books and don't see them as a task, get interested, make it your hobby too, your little obsession (as much as you can with childcare etc. etc.!!). And, by taking this approach you will of course end up increasing your chances of doing well in the exams - which will bolster you up and strengthen you even more for the challenges which will come afterwards.

Good luck - you sound as if you are sure of your pathway, you sound very strong and I'm sure it will all work out. You are doing the right thing!

Keep running xx