Please tell help me stay sane

[Needagoodslapnow]

Have name changed, semi regular.

Have had a very difficult relationship with husband for over 5 years now. We've been together for about 12. He has had 2 affairs that I know of. The first when I was pregnant with DC2 - we'd been together for about 4 years at the time. I got very suspicious about his relationship with a work colleague, but he managed to worm his way out and make me feel like I was being mental and hormonal.

The second affair happened about 3 years later, and this time I caught him. Even though I'd suspected an affair before, my world collapsed. He'd been (so I thought) my best friend. We'd known each other for years before even getting together and shared a lot of friends, so he enjoyed complete trust from me as I thought I 'knew' him. I also stupidly believed that we had something incredibly special and that he'd never want to throw that away. Everyone thinks he's such a wonderful guy and I believed he was too. I had two small children. My Dad had recently died and my Mum was seriously ill at the time. I then also got made redundant. I pretty much went into meltdown.

When he got caught he did what most of the liars and cheats seem to do, just go into cover your arse mode, denied almost everything and just pretended that he was really sorry. The onus was on me to 'forgive' him. We went to counselling, but I didn't get a lot out, now I realise because he was sitting there lying to me and the counsellor, so I wouldn't would I? My mum put quite a lot of pressure on me to 'think of the children' and she kept saying things like 'but you still love him, don't you.'. My relationship with my mum is a whole other story. But sadly she passed away 2 years ago.

I think I've basically been suffering from a low level depression ever since finding out the truth. I've felt alienated from friends because I either haven't told them and they act like I have this perfect life and tell me how lucky I am because husband earns so much money and we have a nice house. The friends who I have told seem almost to have stepped back - perhaps because I'm such a shadow of the woman I used to be. I honestly used to be confident and funny and sure of myself. Now I have so little confidence. Whenever I start to feel better, just one little thing knocks it down again.

There is so much more I could tell you about how this relationship has pulled me apart. I didn't know the term 'gaslighting' before coming on MN, but my husband is a master of it. He makes me feel that I am being unreasonable and just keeps up the pretence for months until I believe that I am too.

Anyway, I am currently studying - trying to start a new career in an area that I love and really want to work in. I have so much to do and exams start in two weeks time. I just want to get through these - but I need a good result get the job I want - a third won't do it. I have done well so far, and just need to keep it up.

The thing is, I've found out today that my husband has been using prostitutes. For me, that really is the end. I think he's probably been using them all the time. I feel so sick. He doesn't know I know, but I can't look at him because I feel such disgust for him. I know the marriage is over - it should have been over a long time ago, but because of all the things above I didn't have the strength to finish it.

But the thing is - I just can't do it now. I need to do well in these exams - I need to get through this, put it out of my mind until the end of May. I can't deal with his crying/begging & telling the children at the moment. What can I do to let my mind calm down and concentrate on what I need to do? How can I keep going until the exams are finished. This is so important to me, it's the first time in years that i've felt good at something again. I can't let him destroy this for me.

I agree with poster who said try to see your studies as something to lose yourself in. I completed a 5 year BA with the Open Uni last year. My final exams happened within two weeks of DD having an operation, my cousin's husbands funeral, my sisters battle with cancer, and hubby in the midst of his cruel distancing from me. I passed, I got a 2:1. If I can do it, you can too! I really did lose myself in my studying, it was "me time", it was so rewarding to get my degree. I knew the work I'd put into it, and I knew what an awful month last October was when I sat my final exam. You will have a wonderful sense of achievement when you get your qualification - and no man can ever take that away from you. Keep running, accept what the GP offers you in the way of ADs and give them at least two weeks to kick in. And try to see studying as therapy. For me, it really was.

If it's a uni you're studying at it might be a good idea to go to your year coordinator or tutor and tell them that you're having a hard time. IME unis (and most other institutes) are very very understanding and will do everything they can to help you to succeed. When I was ill in the second year of my degree the tutor extended a deadline for me and my boyfriend (now DH) as it was DH who asked for the extension and the tutor could see he was worn out from looking after me. If you talk to them they'll go through your options with you. Usually you can either sit the exams with special consideration given so that your other marks are taken into account to help you if you do badly, or you can sit the exams in the resit period (usually end of August) without a cap on the marks you can get. Just an option if you feel overwhelmed at the moment. It might ease some of the pressure you're under.

Good advice. I do love my studies and it has been that - therapy for me. I just completely lost the plot yesterday with yet another blow to the guts from my husband.I was a bit worried that I would just fall down a big hole and not be able to climb out, as I've felt like that a lot over the past 5 years, but I am sure it will be different this time. I have more to look forward to and I'll accept all the help I can get.

Not sure about telling uni. My tutor is horrible and I can't bear the thought of talking about my home life with him - but if I don't pick myself up, then I'll just have to.

I'm just about to finish and they may well suggest I postpone some elements, and I don't want to do that as I need to get on with my life now. I'll give the total immersion route my best shot first; pure studying for me. Back to my books, now (got to stop checking in on Mumsnet!)

Lots of good advice on here.

Concentrate on two things, yourself and your studies. Visit your GP and talk about the way you are feeling, concentrate on getting yourself well and strong again, keep at the studies and when you feel strong enough (and you will) then do something about the husband!! You need to look after yourself first and foremost, the kids will come as a result of you looking after you!

It was 3 months between me deciding I needed to leave and actually being able to, and it was hard - once I knew I needed to leave I felt as though I couldn't stand being there any longer and I was living this lie and I was constantly terrified he would find out as well.

What helped was having someone to talk to about it - in my case I had my mum who was a huge support and my friend, she would come round when XP was out and we'd quite often discuss the week's events and take the piss out of him which although it sounds awful it just really helped to be able to laugh at a time when I don't think I was even aware of how unhappy I was.

I would try to speak to someone at uni. If you don't get on with your tutor is there perhaps another tutor you could speak to? If you ask your head of department they might know. Or sometimes unis have student advice centres who you could speak to and they can pass on the info to your tutor. Or if you are a mature student, I've found the lifelong learning department brilliant for support.

Lastly, do you think he has a personality disorder or anything like that? Poring over websites and threads on NPD gave me something to focus on and also helped me to detach his behaviour from the emotional attachment I had to him, (so in fact any websites or threads about abusive behaviour might help - the lundy bancroft one recently might have been good) so when he did get angry or when he cried it didn't affect me (as much) any more. And when he did something mad I didn't tie myself in knots thinking "Was it me?" or why something had happened, I could just say to myself ah yes he's doing XYZ now, how predictable. And then come and rant on mumsnet about it!

Dittany - you're right, it was an awful name - I was in panic mode last night and couldn't think of anything, so I've changed it to something my gorgeous son used to say to me when he was little (he still says it sometimes now, but only when nobody's around to see him). I know pills aren't the solution, but I need whatever help I can get at the moment and if it gets me through to the other side then that's fine by me. My husband is never abusive to me verbally, and has very rarely been angry (except when I've really, really pushed it). In fact he always tells me how wonderful I am and that he loves me. He used to tell me that I was beautiful, but I asked him to stop after I found out about the affairs, because I knew he would have said all that shite to the other women too. I think he thinks of me exactly as a pet or a trophy (although I'm getting a bit old and sad to play the trophy wife anymore).

However, he's never really lost control of me. I am a little worried what will happen when he realises that this is it and that I'll see a different side of him. That's another reason why I want to wait until I have all the exams out of the way.

And yes Bertie, I do think he might have NPD, there are lots of things that are very like him in that personality disorder, especially the need to be adored and for everyone to think of him as wonderful. That's the most important thing to him; he doesn't really have any morals or beliefs, just this facade that needs to be worshipped. Doesn't really matter, though, because the marriage is over. I could never sleep with him again now.

OP, reading your first post I was almost relieved to read the last paragraph about the prostitutes as it sounded as though you are a shadow of your former self, leading a shadow of your former life. This gives you an absolute reason to do what you probably always wanted to, were it not for the children, and finish with this sleazy man.

I so admire you for carving out a career for yourself and think you should do whatever you have to, to do well in your exams. Maybe your Dr could recommend some low level anti-anxiety medication (if it doesn't make you sleepy) and just crawl through the next few weeks. Find a good counsellor who you can offload to weekly.

I agree with the poster who said to see yourself as an actress and just do what you need to do. Invent an on-going and nasty bout of thrush as an excuse for you being off and not wanting sex.

And don't worry about the children. They don't need a depressed mother who is a former shadow of herself. It will be so so much better for them to have a mother who is living life properly again.

Don't worry, you won't fall down the hole! You know that you now just have to get through this short difficult period and you'll be free. Keep posting, but concentrate on your studies first and foremost. Banish thoughts of your H, what you're going to do, just concentrate and try and lose yourself in your work. It can safely wait, because you are now at last holding your cards close, and thus have the upper hand. You'll continue to do so, by planning, copying documents, consulting a solicitor-?, getting everything in order before dropping the bombshell. It will be hard, but you do NOT need to panic about it - you have control! You can move at your own pace.

Agree with suggestion of talking to your head of dept, or head of undergraduate/postgraudate studies - and just explain that you don't feel that you have had the opportunity to develop a familiar enough relationship with your own tutor to feel comfy talking about personal matters, could you discuss (if needs be) potential extensions/mitigations with them, and be referred to student welfare or whoever (if necessary). The internal organisation of things like this will be fairly fluid, no-one will mind!

Lots of people say that ADs are not the answer; for many though, they are extremely useful. You don't need to be on them longterm, and I know lots of people worry about them. But personally, having been on them myself and seen the effect they can achieve on so many patients, I think they can be useful in many cases, vital in others. Chat to your GP about it. They don't take away the pain, but they do help with stress and anxiety, and when I took them they stop constant thoughts chattering away in my head, so I always able to take a step back and see things more clearly. Please don't rule them out, but be open minded about short term use. Good luck.

Yes I think for a short period if you feel ADs will help get you through this time then definitely go for it. I agree with Dittany that pills are not the solution to cope with abuse, but it's not like you're planning to be on them to cope with him forever. I second the book recommendations as well, if you can read them without him knowing.

This was the NPD thread which I was prompted me to leave XP. It's a couple of years old now (already! ) but the links and stories on there are incredibly valuable. I've re-read parts of it a few times since leaving and it has helped me still.

Do you know how to clear your history, by the way, and/or use private browsing?