I think I may have misrepresented my DH

[Rillyrillygoodlooking]

In another thread, I talked about my DH and what a twunt he can be re the housework. He can also lecture me (and it is lecturing) about other things. I was very one sided about it and picked out a particularly bad incident, although not an isolated one.

Over all he is really lovely, very loving and great dad and very supportive as a partner. There are some really positive sides to him. But, I also see lots of things about our relationship that are quite frankly shit.

We have argued about housework since we moved in together, which was over a decade ago. I was a slattern - leaving the washing up from the night before until I cooked the evening meal the next day, didn't hoover from one week to the next, etc. etc. however now this has changed due to constant nagging from DH and having had children.

We still argue, massive rows, where I do a lot of shouting, and by the end, crying. I say nasty things because I want to hurt him as he just will not let up about the cleaning. Unfortunately now its got to a point where if DH mentions something in a quite reasonable way then I can feel myself getting really cross because of all the arguments that have gone before. I have now started keeping quiet, but DH pushes and pushes until I explode.

My parents came to stay for a month (we have moved very very far away from family) and DH started an argument every weekend. My parents of course noticed. I have since spoken to them about it and they say that he is quite a manipulative character, something that he accuses me of. I have also in the past told DH he is a bit of a bully and on one occasion he turned it around to say that I am a bully by crying all the time. Whenever I say he is xyz he says, no no no on the contrary it is you being xyz.

What gets to me is that we can't seem to have any kind of discussion about our relationship, the housework, the children, without both of us wanting to win. We recognise this, and have rationally talked about it and how we both need to change, but we never do, partly because we both secretly think that the other one should do the changing.

Sometimes I want to record our arguments because I can't get a handle on them anymore. I want to objectively sit and listen to them to see if I am being a twat or if DH is being as irrational and over the top as I think he is. I have in past suggested counselling so that an outside person can give us some perspective. It won't happen. We have a few other things in our life together that we should really be strong for and because of our excessive arguing I don't think we are strong enough for.

How do you know when the shit stuff overrides the really good stuff - and believe it or not there some really good stuff about our relationship - and how to tip the balance back to the good?

It does sound like you need external help if talking frankly between yourselves doesn't change anything.

I'm reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft at the moment. Much of what you have written up there is covered in his book.

Your parents have noticed his manipulation of you.
Why did you move so far from them - his idea?
Do you have a ton of friends, is he OK with you going out wherever and whenever.
Is it only YOU that he berates?
How is causing an argument in front of your family every weekend being supportive?
How is grilling you and berating you for the housework that HE could do just as well being supportive?

Supportive is knowing it's not something you like/enjoy/have time for and doing it because it has to be done and he also lives in the space. It is not just YOUR job alone.

You need to really honestly look at your H behaviour, and his treatment of you and understand that only a handful of women would put up with that, and that only a handful do. Doesn't make it any less wrong. Stop making excuses for him his comments are outrageous.

Nutshell: it shouldn't be THIS hard.

"I have now started keeping quiet, but DH pushes and pushes until I explode." Even before I got to the bit where your parents regard him as manipulative, that statement concerned me greatly. And like HerHissyness, I also wonder why you have moved "very very far from family" - and I presume very very far from your friends? How isolated are you?

"how to tip the balance back to the good?"

You come up with THAT miracle and you'll make BILLIONS. No way back. Where is his respect for you?

He is destroying you, defeminising you, wearing you down. The humiliation? I had that. Everyone I met for 3 years saw him tear into me, at high volume with foul language, just that they are all as fucked up as him so would never say anything.

He is gaslighting you, making you doubt yourself, trying to make you think you are mad, so that you don't question yourself. Please look at the Women's Aid site.

Do you want to " win " these arguments op , or do you just want to be heard ? Does he hear you , or does he shout over you and refuse to see your side ? Having the same conversation again and again with someone who wont listen or see reason is exhausting , its a battle for control. Does he tell you youve said things you have not said ? Does he deliberateley misunderstand you resulting in you becoming more and more frustrated ? Does he tell you what you think or feel or that your too sensitive ?

Some of the things youve mentioned raise alarm bells im afraid , especially your parents saying that he is manipulative . Bear in mind they are seeing it from the outside and have probably discussed it at length between themselves . I bet that was the polite version of what they really wanted to say.

It also worrys me you are thinking about someone elses perspective / recording ect about the situation so you can see if hes being over the top as you think he is. No one elses perspective matters , not one jot. If you dont like whats happening then its not ok , its your feelings that count and it sounds as though this might be the start of you doubting your own judgement .

It sounds like he is emotionally abusive , but of course you live with him and i dont . Theres several very good books , Lundy , living with the doominater , controlling people , and theres some very good sites on here too . There are a range of tactics abusers use , some so subtle you dont even notice until you start to feel like shit every day . Arm yourself with these facts and then you can decide whether he is occasionally an arsehole who needs putting straight , or whether he is in fact an emotional abuser .

I'll put my hand up - I too went without washing dishes until preparation of my next evening meal - ditto with hoovering - didn't need to as I was out most of the day and most evenings. Its only when kids come along that the hoovering becomes a daily necessity.

I hate cleaning, hate it, hate it, hate it, and did I mention I fucking hate it. I have taken 12 years to realise that the actual act of cleaning is enough for me to want to start an argument. If my husband is in the general vicinity I'd go off on one at him for saying something reasonable. Its nothing to do with him or me - ITS THE CLEANING.

Also, my husband tends to steer clear when I am cleaning as he knows the hatred comes out - unless of course he wants an argument. Also, if he wants an argument then he'll mention my lacking in the cleaning department. Its a red rag to a bull. I think he expects too much, I think by doing any cleaning I am giving too much so that argument is never going to be won. Apart from a cleaner which would be the solution for many (not for me - too tight)

So apart from the cleaning arguments. It might be that he is an abusive/controlling guy and you need to get out of the relationship. I don't know, but it sounds a bit like my life prior to some outside help so I'm now going to bore you with the approach which worked for me, but this might be totally irrelevant so apologies in advance.

The arguing so you don't know who is right and who is wrong and who is being an arse etc etc is just stupid. that has to stop and if he isn't going to stop then you have to do it. Just stop it. It takes two. I've been there and stopping it was good. he cannot argue with himself.

Are you sitting down comfortably and relaxed to discuss contentious issues or are they thrown up during heated discussions or arguments? The idea is not to discuss anything contentious unless you have arranged a date and time - like I'd say to my husband - we need to go talk about blahedehblah when do you think you'd be able to do that this week? He'd give me a night he'd be free - or if he was being unreasonable he might say he didn't know, so I'd say, okay well how about you let me know some time tomorrow when would be good for you this week. He'd come back with a night and so we'd both have a few nights to think about the topic. We sit down after a nice dinner and the kids are in bed and put a time limit on the discussion - 30 minutes and with a 100% success rate we work out the issue. I think its something to do with focussing on finding a solution rather than the point scoring which becomes the whole point of the heated argument.

As for tipping the balance from the shit back to the good. Well I think that tips back and forth regularly enough. for me, I did a whole lot of stuff about learning how to be happy, it works fairly well. And the less destructive arguing definitely helps.

And maybe read some stuff about passive aggressive males - I found it very enlightening.

Thank you for your replies, snotalways, I am so with you on hating to clean. I do want a tidy/clean house, I just hate doing it.

Just to answer a couple of other questions, we moved far away for work. There was no work in England, so we moved away to where there was some. It was a joint decision, and in fact I chose the country. DH it turned out was really not happy about moving away, and we still discuss whether we should move back.

DH never swears at me, he never shouts, I am the one to do that. Unfortunately I get out of control and then it becomes all about the nasty thing I have just said, not what the discussion was about in the first place.

He is not afraid to say when he is unhappy with people at work. Sometimes people get rubbed up the wrong way by him I think. So he doesn't restrict his behaviour to me. I have a few friends/aquaintances to where we have moved to and although DH doesn't like a couple of them he is fine with me going out and I encourage him to go out to socialise as well.

Dh does do the housework as well. He has commented about doing hw and having small children and how it can be done etc. I think when we had children that he was frightened that I would stop doing housework altogether.

He has funny ideas about things and relationships, which I blame his mother for. We go through phases of arguing and when we in that phase I just want to leave. At the moment things are on an even keel and I feel bad that I have just completely slagged him off.

Why do you get so angry during these discussions ? Do you not feel that he is listening to you ? What is happening during these conversations ?

Rilly, it might have been my reply in the other thread that caused you to post here, but I also remember you posting in other threads previously, so I was going on the pattern.

I think Diggs is asking some great questions. You're talking about both of you wanting to win, but it sounds to me that he wants to win, and you want to be heard. He pushes until you explode, and then it becomes all about your shouting; he's manipulated the argument into that position. Now you're making an effort to stay quiet and what does he do? Does he recognise that you're being reasonable and controlled and back down? No, he pushes further until you shout - and by the terms that he has set, that means you "lose".

If you both agree that things need changing, why won't he go to counselling? Does he recognise that this dynamic is not all your fault and needs fixing by both of you?

The cleaning isn't the real issue, the real issue is that he feels that it is his right to dictate to you what his standards are. If you're a SAHM and housekeeper, then your job is the house and children. But you're not his employee, you're not answerable to him. He thinks you are.

Good luck, and do keep talking to us, because you've sounded so unhappy for a while now.

Because I don't think he listens to me, or if he does he just talks about something slightly at a tangent, or just doesn't acknowledge what I have said. He will take quite a small bit of what I have been talking about and really concentrate on it and start questioning me on it.

Or, because once he gets a bee in his bonnet he won't let it go. And makes me feel like most of it is my fault. And when I say about it not being my fault he often says, its not all about you you know. Lots of our arguments also centre around me being selfish.

A small thing happened the other day, we were talking about our DS, who has some minor issues, and he was wiggling his feet around to the point where I couldn't concentrate. I asked him to stop doing it as it was really annoying and I couldn't concentrate. He started on about how we were talking about DS, and I had now made it about me, and what annoys me blah blah blah. I said right, fine, can we go back to talking about DS now, and for a few minutes he wouldn't as he was still bleating about how I always make conversations about me.

Little things like that happen, it used to be that I'd get annoyed about him being annoyed, then it would escalate. I have managed to ignore most of those interactions.

When we think of an abusive man we often think of him screaming and hitting , but theres another type of abuse that is insidious , sly , hard to point out and i wonder if your experiencing it .

Your H sounds like a master manipulater and projecter . Its interesting he calls you selfish ect , when in fact it sounds as though he is very selfish . When hes listing all your faults who is he describing ? Some abusers project all their faults onto you and can actually have you act out their negative feelings for them . Are your reactions irrational by your own standard ? Does he persist in his bullshit despite the fact you are becoming more and more upset ? No doubt you explode while he ramains all calm and your the one who looks quite mad .

A normal person stops when they can see someone becoming distressed , an abuser will continue until , snap , youve just acted out all there angry feelings . Now you feel shit and you have to apologize for what you know was bad behaviour. You lose , they win .This is verbal warfare at its worst and its absoluteley abusive and deliberate . If you watch very carefully you might even see a flash of smug grin as they realise your going to get angry. Its no accidant .

Insidious abusers rareley do anything wrong , they are usually helpfull and calm , they do not tend to do anything major that you can call them on. Instead they twist words , refuse to listen , accuse you of things you are not ect. They bring it up when your trying to be heard. They could have mentioned it at the time , but they didnt , theyre mentioning it now . Your forced to defend yourself , you cannot , your not going to be heard . You lose , they win.

Conversations go on and on for years and nothing gets resolved . Its not because they dont get it , its because they dont want to resolve it . They get off on the power they feel considering whether they are going to take your needs into consideration . Any conversation about something thats upsetting you is guarenteed to be noted and used as ammo .That particular thing will be done , or not done frequently ( like going on about housework )

Abusers make everything about them and will deliberateley annoy you and make absurd attempts to get attention . The foot shaking is a good example . He accused you of making it about you when in fact thats what he was blatantly doing . He then waited until he felt like steering the conversation back to your ds . He wanted to annoy you and he did , you lose , he wins . He set you up op.

They are good at rewriting history , stating things happened that didnt , you said things you didnt . Again you try to explain or defend but get nowhere but increasingly frustrated . They are good at being passive aggresive and delight in purposeley pissing you off . They dictate what conversations will occur and when , what the content will be and how long they wil last for . Its exhausting .

Every conversation is a battlefeild , you do not have a communication proble, you have a control problem . He is refusing to meet your most basic right , to hear you and to meet your needs emotionally , no wonder you explode , and worse , he manouvers it so it looks like its all your fault.

These type of people are detrimental to your mental health , you will eventually choose to stop communicating any of your needs because it just isnt worth it. Your not going to get what you want because they purposeley withold the emotional things you need , ie , to be heard . Its an abuse on its own.

I may be way off the mark here , and apologize if so , but i strongly urge you to educate yourself on some of the tactics used by emotional abusers ie , stonewalling , crazy making , blocking , diverting , witholding . Once you see it for what it is you get some control back , your husband has declared phycological warfare on you and i think it vital you get some support.

I was going to type a reply, but Diggs covered it and then some

You are living with an emotional abuser, and no amount of you trying to deny it will change the dynamic

I suggest you stop trying to pinpoint the ways you contribute to the problem and start to examine his more carefully and stop making excuses for him

Someone who stonewalls, winds you up on purpose and makes you feel like shit is not a good husband and certainly not a good father

Both of you are modelling a poor relationship for your children

In your situation, I would insist on counselling. If he won't consider it, then I would be reconsidering what exactly I got out of this relationship other than distress and unhappiness

Rilly I agree with the other posters. Your h is emotionally abusing you. I was alarmed when you posted on the other thread in aibu that he demanded you clean the sink and was being verbally abusive while you cleaned it. He sounds dreadful and so much like my ex who I dumped 11 years ago. To this day I still find it difficult to believe that I am a reasonable person who is not selfish and a bitch as my ex drummed into me for 7 years. Only when I was out of the relationship did I realise how much of a doormat I had become and how my personality had changed so that he would think better of me. The only advice I have is to leave him, he will not change

You have had some excellent answers here rilly.

Once you realise that it is him and not you, and I mean really realise, it is liberating. He has major problems. He is projecting. It's extraordinary to discover that every thing he accuses you of, is him. It's like having psychic ability to discover that they are doing this, because he's telling you everything he feels about himself.

Take a step back next time and just watch him play the part that Diggs has so brilliantly described. You will be astounded.

I personally found the Patricia Evans books most useful in explaining this weirdness.

They reckon this type of behaviour takes years to correct with regular and specialist therapy. He firstly has to accept he has a problem though doesn't he.

IT IS NOT YOU, IT'S HIM.

rilly

I would really really recommend - how to live with the passive aggressive man. I didn't read your other posts but I could have written this one, honestly, it really is very similar to my own relationship at certain points.

The cleaning the sink and verbally abusing you sounds vile though and definitely signs of abuse I would say - my husband has never and i can never see him doing this.

If he is passive aggressive then he will be encouraging you to lose the plot. This is exactly what would happen with me and my husband then it all became about my losing the plot and saying hurtful horrible things rather than the issue. This also ensures that nothing ever gets resolved and so the circular never ending arguments continue.

Thing is, you sound like you just don't know which way is up and I have been there and looking back I can see why. I won't get back there again as I can manage situations much much better.

If you want to give it the best shot - figure out whether this is worth working at or not then get some help with managing your anger - CBT worked wonders for me - not long term fix but gives good strategies for working things out without losing the plot. It really puts you back in control of your life. The CBT explained how your brain almost gets used to feeling the anger - it wants to feel the anger, some kind of chemical thing, so you have to retrain it not to go there.

If nothing else it will give you the chance to step back, breathe and have some time to think things through and observe his behaviour (on the back of reading how to live with the PA man). You will then see what is happening.

It is not the easy option, you do have to do quite a bit of work yourself but I'm glad I did it. And, my husband has made big efforts on himself since I started the process. He can't ignore what he does - it really does become quite obvious when you stand back.

rilly

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

I would concur with the others who state you are being emotionally abused here. This is patently not about housework and never has been. This is at heart about power and control; he wants absolute over you. You have changed your behaviour to try and suit his, another bad sign here. You moved far away from your family, yet another indicator of him wanting to be in control all the time.

He will not change, you cannot even begin to hope to fix someone like this.

I feel most sorry for the children in all this because both of you are now teaching them damaging lessons. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and you write that your H's mother has some strange ideas re relationships that your H has picked up on.

Rilly, a practical suggestion: start keeping a diary. Record any fights. Record your feelings. Then, at a time when you are feeling calm, go back and read it. Look for patterns.

Read the books recommended above. If you can access any personal counselling (as opposed to relationship counselling), then go for it.

You know something is wrong, but you are second-guessing your own judgement. It's difficult and painful to look clearly at these patterns, but if you don't, you'll be stuck like this forever.

Rilly, second what thisishowifeel said about the Patricia Evans book (The Verbally Abusive Relationship). Get it ASAP. The part in your post that raised a red flag for me was this: "Sometimes I want to record our arguments because I can't get a handle on them anymore. I want to objectively sit and listen to them to see if I am being a twat or if DH is being as irrational and over the top as I think he is. I have in past suggested counselling so that an outside person can give us some perspective."

The ideas of wanting to record conversations so you can play them back, or have a third party tell you what is happening, are warning signs that verbal abuse is occurring.

Was going to ask if he does that thing where you try to talk to him about something and he focuses on the "definitions" of the words you are using, so that instead of discussing the issue at hand you find yourself having a pointless argument about the meanings of, say, "clean," or "recent" or "early," or whatever. From what you said in another post it sounds like he might. This is a classic tactic verbal abusers use -- it is maddening and makes you feel you are losing your mind. (Obviously there is a big overlap between verbal abuse and other forms of emotional abuse, e.g. gaslighting). Get Lundy Bancroft too and tbh, run don't walk.

www.heartlessbitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml

If possible i would record conversations if you can do so safeley without him knowing , most mobiles will record for a good while without anyone noticing . You,ll probably only have to do this a couple of times to see whats really going on.

Waking up to the fact your being emotionally abused and seeing some of these tactics in black and white can be a horrible shock , i do not think they can change even with years of therapy , they are severeley damaged . Once you recognize the abuse and name it , insist that it stops ect , they often do , only to employ another insidious tactic .

Mine started with the sex issue , whinging that i never went near him . Yet when i did he made it unpleasant , groping me or he would ensure he stank or something equally awful , of course i rareley went near him because of this and then he was able to whinge and say i was frigid . It was a total set up .

They do what works , and when one tactic stops being effective they employ another . Ie for the woman living with the verbally abusive man , being called a daft cow might initially reduce her to tears . After a while she becomes desensitized and it has no effect so he resorts to more and more viscious names to get the same effect . Many people whove lived with an abuser are able to look back with hindsight and see how things slowly escalated .

These men do not seek to control you physically , or restrict you socially , they seek to control you mentally . They control your moods and dictate whether your going to have a good day or not . You have no choice but to stuff down your feelings because your not going to be heard no matter what .

Its my guess that if you stated firmly ( and meant it ) that there is to be no more comments about housework , not a single one , and that if there is , you will leave , i think he would stop , only to employ another stealth tactic .The only way you can have a conflict free relationship with these men is to stuff down your feelings , thoughts and needs , deny yourself and who you really are . Any attempt to be a real live person with a right to your own thoughts and feelings is snuffed out , trampled on or belittled and twisted , its no way to live. In fact , its not living , its existing .

On threads like this I often recommend getting a cleaner. But, after reading many of your posts, I recommend getting rid of your husband. Sorry.

As you're apparently not ready to face the fact that your children's father is a hypercritical, manipulative control freak - how about doing both? Get a cleaner, thus removing the argument trigger, and see how long it takes him to find another winch to wind you up.

Excellent posts, Diggs and everyone, really.
Going dormant to 'get along' is self-induced depression and is not a workable option, ok?

Please seek counseling for yourself as a tool to cope, discover, and resolve these awful circumstances.

You have a support group here that will be here to help you discuss and understand what you are experiencing-another excellent and necessary tool for you.

Reading everything you can get hold of on this is another vital component-educate yourself to have the vocabulary to be able to identify the dynamic in the moment so your brain will have something to process rather than reflexively jump into fight mode-go to think mode, instead. "Emotional Intelligence" by Daniel Goleman is a good source.

Trust your gut. You do not need to provide a discertation for every decision or choice you make. You are already valid.

It is not a tit-for-tat strategy to decide to not discuss something, or to decide to stop listening to him...in this circumstance it would be self-defense, emotional self-defense.

Oh, I didn't mean to imply Diggs was saying dormancy would be workable.

Oh my goodness, thanks for taking the time to send your responses.

I have read them and I will read them again. The thing is that when we are fine with each other I just don't see him as the person he is when we are arguing. He hasn't ever called me names like "daft cow".

He has in the past said that I have ulterior motives for doing things, that when he tells me what they are, I just haven't considered and wonder where it came from. I tend to just talk without thinking and I mean that as a normal person would, ie you don't think about every little thing that comes out of your mouth, therefore there is no ulterior motive.

There is a lot of commenting on things, that I think is unnecessary, but if I comment in a similar vein then he gets huffy. There are often comments linked to my character or personality, so for example I was struggling to clip DS into his car seat, and muttering that I couldn't do it. He then started talking about how I don't think things through and I like to take short cuts that don't work. blah blah blah. Often that kind of comment is followed by "why do you do that? you can see it doesn't work blah blah blah". And if I don't give him an answer he goes on until I do. I feel like a child. So I guess he calls me "daft cow" indirectly.

What makes me think that it isn't as bad as all that, is that it doesn't happen all the time. But then I don't remember that kind of thing happening at all with previous boyfriends, however they relationships in my late teenage/early twenties so I am not sure what they would have been like as grown ups. OH does bring up my previous relationships in arguments sometimes which really annoys me.

I just want to emphasise though, I was happy to move away from family. We didn't live really close to them anyway. There are lots of aspects about the move that have been really beneficial, especially for DS.

I will get the book about passive aggressive men as in our darker moments I think that is exactly what he is. And I really don't think our arguing is healthy for the children to see (which I might add, when he starts an argument in front of them, and I start shouting in front of them, its always me who is being dreadful in front of the children, as he isn't shouting).

And what feels like most of the time he is really really lovely.

So many points you have raised have sent chills of recognition down my spine...

Particularly "I have also in the past told DH he is a bit of a bully and on one occasion he turned it around to say that I am a bully by crying all the time. Whenever I say he is xyz he says, no no no on the contrary it is you being xyz." -

this could have been me writing this from a few years ago and is almost identical to hearing my ex-h talking. Every thing I said was turned around in this way. It almost drove me crackers and had me doubting myself in everything. Being called selfish was another red flag reminder...

And also - "Sometimes I want to record our arguments because I can't get a handle on them anymore. I want to objectively sit and listen to them to see if I am being a twat or if DH is being as irrational and over the top as I think he is."

I did end up recording some of his rants, towards the end of the relationship and letting other people listen to them. That was an eye opener I can tell you! Not surprisingly it was pretty obvious to anyone else listening that he was behaving unreasonably.

This also stood out and could have been written by me - "He has in the past said that I have ulterior motives for doing things, that when he tells me what they are, I just haven't considered and wonder where it came from. I tend to just talk without thinking and I mean that as a normal person would, ie you don't think about every little thing that comes out of your mouth, therefore there is no ulterior motive."

I ended up contacting Women's Aid, quite sheepishly thinking they would tell me that it wasn't abuse because he didn't hit me. It was quite a surprise to find that they believed me and told me that what he was doing was emotional abuse. Please consider giving them a ring.

I also got the Lundy Bancroft book, which was what finally opened my eyes to what was going on. I cannot recommend it highly enough. That book gave me MY reality back again.

I really really hope you reclaim YOUR mind and reality back. You are not selfish, he is. You can't make him change by changing your behaviour and while you let him he will continue to abuse you.

I didn't want to end my marriage, I just wanted him to stop being horrible to me. Unfortunately I couldn't make that happen on my own, and neither can you.

And what feels like most of the time he is really really lovely.

When you live in a state of emotional upset , it can be hard to distinguish between whats being loveley , and whats being normal. When you say hes being loveley , what is it hes actually doing thats loveley ( dont count housework or looking after dcs as this is expected and normal ). What loveley things does he do for you ? It might help to try to list them .

I remember thinking the same about my ex , that he was otherwise loveley. He wasnt , he was just being normal. Even now i feel aprehensive when im around him , habit i guess and also the fact i know he looks at me with a critical eye , and listens carefully waiting to pick up on any minor issue to beat me over the head with it.

I have never been so angry as i was when i was married to him . Im ashamed to say my poor kids would often have to listen to me screaming and shouting . Looking back im not surprised ,i was never heard or listened to and in the end i was constantly on edge , as although he didnt do it all the time i began to anticipate it . I also held a lot of resentment for things he had previously said , or ways that he had somehow put me down . It never went away as it was never resolved , and he would rather have gotton divorced than stop .

Its good your going to get the book . In the meantime , remember that your not required to explain yourself to him , hes not superior or better than you . As for presuming to know what you think , ie ulterior motives , again , its an attempt to wind you up . Dont bite .

I dont know how old your dcs are but i think this sort of thing becomes much more aparant as your dcs get older . You see a similarity between the teens attempts to wind you up and get attention , and your H,s. I remember realising in horror that my young dc were actually much older than him emotionally and had emotional skills that he aparently had never required .

Do consider a diary , or a private blog if its easier . Also consider how you would react to a freind who accused you of having ulterior motives and demanding you explain yourself . This is where i went terribly wrong . I for some reason expected a lot less of him than i did my freinds . Nowadays i would expect more from a partner than my freinds , not less .