In another thread, I talked about my DH and what a twunt he can be re the housework. He can also lecture me (and it is lecturing) about other things. I was very one sided about it and picked out a particularly bad incident, although not an isolated one.
Over all he is really lovely, very loving and great dad and very supportive as a partner. There are some really positive sides to him. But, I also see lots of things about our relationship that are quite frankly shit.
We have argued about housework since we moved in together, which was over a decade ago. I was a slattern - leaving the washing up from the night before until I cooked the evening meal the next day, didn't hoover from one week to the next, etc. etc. however now this has changed due to constant nagging from DH and having had children.
We still argue, massive rows, where I do a lot of shouting, and by the end, crying. I say nasty things because I want to hurt him as he just will not let up about the cleaning. Unfortunately now its got to a point where if DH mentions something in a quite reasonable way then I can feel myself getting really cross because of all the arguments that have gone before. I have now started keeping quiet, but DH pushes and pushes until I explode.
My parents came to stay for a month (we have moved very very far away from family) and DH started an argument every weekend. My parents of course noticed. I have since spoken to them about it and they say that he is quite a manipulative character, something that he accuses me of. I have also in the past told DH he is a bit of a bully and on one occasion he turned it around to say that I am a bully by crying all the time. Whenever I say he is xyz he says, no no no on the contrary it is you being xyz.
What gets to me is that we can't seem to have any kind of discussion about our relationship, the housework, the children, without both of us wanting to win. We recognise this, and have rationally talked about it and how we both need to change, but we never do, partly because we both secretly think that the other one should do the changing.
Sometimes I want to record our arguments because I can't get a handle on them anymore. I want to objectively sit and listen to them to see if I am being a twat or if DH is being as irrational and over the top as I think he is. I have in past suggested counselling so that an outside person can give us some perspective. It won't happen. We have a few other things in our life together that we should really be strong for and because of our excessive arguing I don't think we are strong enough for.
How do you know when the shit stuff overrides the really good stuff - and believe it or not there some really good stuff about our relationship - and how to tip the balance back to the good?