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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me to understand this please.

29 replies

Fallenwoman · 13/04/2011 14:13

During my marriage my ex was repeatedly unfaithful to me, with women he met out and also with prostitutes, he was doing this the whole time we were trying for children so put us all in a lot of danger. I split up with him but he refused to move out for over 8 months afterwards and only went after I called the police because he attacked me.

While he was still there I had a short fling, cant really call it a relationship, that lasted about 6 weeks. He snooped, went through my phone, put spyware on the computer etc and found out all the details.

Since then he has told me he feels totally justified in doing everything he did to me as always "knew" I would end up doing it to him. He told me that he could never get back with me (gutted! not!) and his family all think he is a mug for paying child support and being on friendly terms with me because I had this "affair" and "f*cked around" on him. I know that his family do feel like this because of their attitudes towards me now. They all know everything else that went on in the marriage before but still see me as some kind of Scarlet Woman for what happened at the end.

Now I am actually pretty angry about this. It does no good to try to justify myself with him or them but I want to understand more about why I am thought of like this by many who know us, including those who know the full story. What he did is acceptable as this is what Men do. But what I did is disgusting and I am the lowest of the low.

I honestly don't get how people who know what went on, witnessed it in come cases can see me in this way. Other women who were both our friends etc. Everyone treats me quite distantly now and I have lost friends over it. I had to go through all of this and at the end I am despised. Any thoughts please?

OP posts:
GollyHolightly · 13/04/2011 14:17

Because they're brainless idiots?

ongakgak · 13/04/2011 14:22

They all sound like fucking bastards that you should take a bit shiny pair of scissors to and cut cut cut out of your life. Your ex most of all. It is protectionism and misplaced loyalty on their part and they are emotionally stunted to equate what you did on a par with he did. Prostitutes? DV? The mind boggles.

The sexism that you have encountered is breath taking, shocking and I think you should post in the Feminism section as I am sure the posters on their may be able to give you some theories as to why this reaction in society takes place.

TheVisitor · 13/04/2011 14:24

Those people aren't worth the shit off your shoe.

Original poster
Fallenwoman · 13/04/2011 14:35

I did post in the Feminism section ongakgak and they recommended posting here as well Grin.

I suppose I have been so involved in ex's family for so long that it all feels very overwhelming as though everyone would feel that way, though I am sure that normal non toxic people, like most of the women on here can see how ridiculous it is. That is why I am posting really to get a bit of fresh air about the matter.

OP posts:
ongakgak · 13/04/2011 14:47

Ah I ok, well you will get a good diversity of opinion then. Grin

What a shame you have lost out with your In-Laws. As hard as it is, they are no people worth knowing given their reactions. Same for mutual friends.

How long has it been since it all came out, this could be an initial knee jerk reaction and then things will settle down.

What about GPs involvement with their GCs- sorry not clear if you have children or not.

Oh and BTW- I would name change, I think you should not call your self a fallen woman, unless you are doing it in an ironic way?!

Original poster
Fallenwoman · 13/04/2011 15:57

Definitely ironic. Been over a year now, they still expect maximum involvement with dc though, ex MIL is relatively pleasant but FIL openly hostile.

OP posts:
EggyFucker · 13/04/2011 16:14

FW (you are not, btw) I wouldn't be happy that my dc were spending time with people who are openly hostile towards their mother

That is a piss-poor example to set to young children

lazarusb · 13/04/2011 16:37

My ex was violent for years but I lost his family and a lot of friends because in the end I left him for someone else. They haven't spoken to me from that day to this. It's felt like less of a loss as time went on and, in the end, it didn't matter anymore. Keep your ex at a distance and don't engage in these conversations with him. He is a twunt who did not and does not deserve you. I'd see a solicitor if your FIL is behaving like towards you, there is no reason you should tolerate it, especially in front of your children.

EggyFucker · 13/04/2011 16:43

His family and friends have to vilify you or else they have to puncture their denial that allows them to carry on thinking he is a misunderstood little boy underneath all the bravado

ChaoticAngelofchocolateeggs · 13/04/2011 16:48

They're misogynistic, sexist wankers.

Original poster
fallenwoman · 13/04/2011 16:57

It is certainly a big life lesson in "Its not FAIR". You sort of think that everyone will realise in the end and you will be vindicated but its not going to happen is it? Just feel like I have lost everything really. My marriage, my friends, even my reputation I suppose.

OP posts:
EggyFucker · 13/04/2011 17:04

Should your reputation in their eyes matter to you, really ?

It seems to me their opinion is based on sand and jack-shit, basically

Don't give it headspace

ongakgak · 13/04/2011 17:52

I would be very worried about the frosty reception from FIL and others and the trickle down this may have on your kids. I would not be happy with that at all. In no way would I advocate that you "use" your children, but I would be having a frank discussion about civil behaviours for the sake of the kids and good relations all round. You are not asking them for fakery, but if they cannot be nice to you, then I feel they forgo the right to a relationship with their GCs.

Glad your name is ironic.

How much have you disclosed to friends, I mean have they heard your version? The prostitutes and DV?

In your position, after a year of this, i might consider moving away from the area if I felt so isolated and look for a new start, is this something you would consider?

MigratingCoconuts · 13/04/2011 18:33

because he will do anything to avoid blaming himself for this and so will his loser family...absolutely classic behaviour. His family are part of the reason he is such a grunt anyway, if you think about it.

Ditch anyone who doesn't support you, move on and don't look back...sounds like you are well shot of them

HerHissyness · 13/04/2011 19:32

Well that 'Apple' of a DH didn't fall too far from that particular family tree did it?

Why, honestly, would you care about the opinions of people who would allow him his prostitution/serial affairs? If he/they cared about appearances and morals that much why so silent for so long.

Brush them ALL off, they are not high enough calibre people to be granted space in your life. THEY are not good enough and they are using this one (totally understandable) thing as the sole stick to try and beat you with so THEY don't look quite as shitty as they really are.

Be ruthless, people are either FOR you or not. Those that are not don't get another chance. CUT THEM.

Friends who would not support you in this are not friends and best that you lose them now as they will be like mill stones around your neck.

da55 · 13/04/2011 19:52

i am going tru the same situation even though they knw their son was abusive and continues to abuse me.am just abt to email his cousin as to why i cant attend a birthday party with kids(3) bcos he refused to give me a hand in travelling 4 hrs to get there.dnt worry so much uve done nothing wrong

HerHissyness · 13/04/2011 19:54

da55, you don't NEED these people in your life, let go of the lot of them, to make space for decent people.

BelleBelicious · 13/04/2011 19:57

The FIL uses prostitutes too and cheats on his wife. He hates the fact that you left his son, because women are inferior bints who are supposed to swallow lies and get cheated on. They never cheat themselves and they never leave.

The other judgey twats are all smeg-encrusted bell-ends.

That explain it?

I am sure your life will be better without these people in it.

ladysybil · 13/04/2011 19:59

your post sounds like the first chapter from the russiona book about count vronsky
quite an inventive troll post actually

EggyFucker · 13/04/2011 20:04

sybil ?

BelleBelicious · 13/04/2011 20:09

By 'russiona book', do you think Sybil means Anna Karenina, one of the greatest novels ever written?

If so, Sybil, the plot only has a slight similarity with the OPs post. Anna leaves her faithful, but dull husband, for the dashing count vronsky. They are genuinely in love, but the society of the times shun them, because although affairs were commonplace and accepted if kept quiet, leaving your husband wasn't.

Not really enough evidence to start calling someone a troll??

Original poster
fallenwoman · 13/04/2011 20:12

WHAT??? Well there is a first time for everything. I am no troll, I have been here since 2006 and all this and more has happened in my relationship. I have posted under various names about it as it was too embarassing to keep posting about a shit relationship that I couldn't seem to find a way to get myself out.

I feel a bit crap actually, good job I am not a first timer or I would be running for the bloody hills.

Thanks to everyone else who posted. Bellebelicious I think you are right, I know that ex FIL did have affairs because MIL told me.

DA55 sorry you are going through it too Sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
fallenwoman · 13/04/2011 20:17

Just read back other posts as well, missed a few points in my sheer astonishment at being called a troll!

Yes I do have dc, they are very close to ex Inlaws, that is part of the problem. It would hurt my dc a lot for me to curtail that relationship. FIL's hostility is not particularly bothersome because I rarely see him, it is more how I am thought of in general. Passing comments about me "having my son thrown in jail and you haven't got a mark on you!" and "she only got rid of him when she found herself a new man", all of which are reported back to me by various and are just so untrue, I had been asking ex to move out for 8 months before I met someone else. I know now I should have not done anything till he went and I don't make any excuses for myself for that.

OP posts:
ongakgak · 13/04/2011 20:22

If your kids are coming home repeating things like that, then I would stop contact until it was sorted. Very damaging for them.

Original poster
fallenwoman · 13/04/2011 20:23

Sorry, not from my dc but from other family members.

OP posts: