Worried sick - I really need advice and reassurance, please

[DesperatelyWorriedSick]

I've namechanged for this. I'm a regular lurker since pregnant with DD (9 months) and have posted a few times.

I really need some advice and reassurance, if that's even possible in my situation.

Brief background is my relationship with DD's father has been fiery at times, but for the most part we have had a very normal, ordinary, boring routine family life since DD was born. She is a well-adjusted, happy little child and the delight of our lives.

DP is long-term unemployed, and has never been able to find work since we have been together (he has twice got work for a short time, through friends and family, but didn't last). Since DD was born I have been the sole earner, and I work full time whilst DP looks after DD. Life is stressful, and I am getting deeper into debt each month.

Unfortunately, financial pressures have been getting to me, and I am constantly irritated at DP for his laziness and apparent unwillingness to put any effort into contributing for our family. Our understanding was always that we would both work and both contribute to the family finances, however, he makes only cursory attempts at finding work (goes to the Jobcentre, prints off papers but hardly ever follows up with calls and emails, etc). Generally, he is very depressed due to having nothing much to do, and he has no hobbies so spends most of his time at home. He enjoys looking after DD but feels very frustrated and bored much of the time.

Anyway, we occasionally have big rows where we have both said some incredibly hurtful things, to the point where I worry we will ever be able to get past our past and be happy together, because it seems whenever there is another row, the past gets raked up.

However, most of the time we are pretty ok and we get by - seems like a contradiction, but we know we can't be at loggerheads all the time, and we do have genuine feelings for each other so we always manage to sort things out.

Recently, after an argument at home about money (when DD was asleep in her room), and after we'd had a bit too much to drink, things escalated and I asked him to leave our rented flat, which I pay for. He refused to leave, saying he had as much right as I do to stay. After much taunting and baiting on both sides, I said I would call the police if he didn't leave.

(I realise now how UTTERLY foolish this was but was blind with upset at the time.)

Police turned up, by which point he had left to sit on our doorstep to await their arrival. The police were obviously completely unimpressed with the situation, told me to sober up and did I think it was appropriate to be drinking with a small child in the house. They asked how the argument started, and I blabbered on a bit about him having gone through my text messages and finding something he didn't approve of - all pretty petty and stupid and the officers clearly thought this was ridiculous.

A few days later, a hand delivered letter arrives - Children's Services had a referral due to the police attending our house. We were out, but the letter asks us to call and make another appointment, and we will be 'assessed'.

So... I hope I have posted in the right place... can anyone tell me anything about social services assessments in these instances? I should say there is no domestic violence and for the most part, we are a very normal family, but things have escalated (verbal rows) from time to time.

I think they are concerned about the welfare of our daughter - I am desperately worried, although DD has never been in the room when we have argued, and she is very well cared for.

Also, does anyone have experience of this type of relationship, where usually everything is fine, but occasionally there is an apparent total breakdown? To the point where we ask each other to leave the house, where I am called an evil fucking bitch but then next day everything is hunky dory? Any advice please... sometimes I feel like I can't cope, then all of a sudden everything is great again.

I am so sorry for the length of this, probably mostly irrelevant. Is this relationship normal? Has anyone ever called the police in a fit of upset, when it wasn't necessary? How can I deal with this?

arguing,shouting,swearing etc....this is all domestic abuse and your daughter will hear it.

its routine for ss to be involved,and i'm impressed it was that quick with them appearing straightaway!!

Sorry I can't answer all the points that you have raised as don't have the time right now. I can however tell you about the police/social services contact. I have 30 years experience in children's services and am recently retired.

I suppose you don't need me to tell you that it was very unwise of you to call the police when you were not in any danger but had had too much to drink. This could mean the police were diverted from something that really did need their attention. Anyway if the police are called out to what they call a "domestic" and children are involved they always send a report through to children's services. To be honest mostly these are filed and no further action is taken. I think the fact that you were both drunk with a child in the house is what has caused the problem. Yes I am sure your little girl is fine, but if she did need you in the night and you were both the worse for drink, this would scare her wouldn't it.

The "assessment" will be to ensure that your daughter is safe in your care and is well cared for. I don't know what your drinking habits are but you will no doubt be asked about this. If it was a one off or unusual because of the tension between you (though alcohol will intensify the tension) then I am sure the social workers will be satisfied that all is well. If your child is of school age they may check with the school, but I don't think there is anything for you to worry about. Mind you must make sure that these heated rows are not in front of your daughter as that will scare her won't it.

Hope you can get the other issues that are causing tension can be resolved one way or the other.

Honey, it's only great until the next time. That's not great. That's a waiting room for a row.

He ISN'T contributing to this family, he ISN'T helping himself OR you OR your DD.

The only reason your relationship is hunky dory again the next day after he has called you an evil fucking bitch is because YOU brush it under the carpet. YOU let him off the hook.

You are possibly aware that most people DON'T live like this, aren't you?

He invaded your privacy, having done FA for your family, is accusing you of what, cheating, being up to something? he has no right. You are the one paying for everything while he scratches his arse LONG TERM and you get fed up and ask him to piss or get off the pot. You asking him to leave seems the logical and best idea. If he left you could get a lodger, or move to a smaller flat and live better.

This is a wake up call for you. Your relationship is toxic, it is harming YOU and will go on to harm your DD.

She'll grow up thinking this set up is normal. It isn't.

Thanks NanaNina...

I suppose that at the time I called the police, my partner, who can be very intimidating when angry (although I would stress never physically abusive) was saying that he would not leave unless the police came. I can see now with a clear head how idiotic and irresponsible it was to call them. I have always had trouble seeing beyond my upset and when he is angry, I feel afraid even though he has never and would never hurt me.

I do not think we have unusual drinking habits - certainly we will share a bottle of wine with a meal, and on occasion we drink beer in the evenings but never to the point where we are both incapacitated by drink. If one of us is going out with friends of an evening, we always ensure the other is home (and not drinking!) to care for DD. Unfortunately in this instance we continued to drink once the row had started, making the whole thing worse - but at the time the police were called, not much alcohol had been drunk. The fault is entirely with me, for being stupid enough to involve them. The police also frighten me silly for no good reason, and the more I could see how unimpressed they were, the more I blabbered stupidly on.

It really frightens me that things have got so bad that this has happened, when on the outside we look like a totally ordinary couple.

I'm sorry, but your relationship sounds horrible and your partner a total loser. If anyone called me an evil fucking bitch I'd ask him to leave and not come back. That kind of abuse has no place in a supposedly loving relationship between two people raising a child. What exactly does he bring to your life? He sounds like a millstone around your neck.

Arguing shouting and swearing are NOT domestic abuse - they are rather normal. However it does depend on the degree - which in this case seems to be quite extreme.
I think you both will need to discuss and really work hard to sticking to some pre-agreed ways of expressing yourselves. And agree that when things threaten to escalate one of you leaves to let feelings cool down.
I think this is your wake up call - you stand to lose your family if you don't get sorted.
I think you both need to address the issue of DP's unemployment - but if he's a SAHD then that should be acknowledged but also done properly.
Try not to worry about the SS assessment, I would think that they will talk to you and maybe do one more visit.

HerHissyness... I feel like that a lot of the time, and sometimes I do confront him, but when I do, I end up saying unconstructive hurtful things. For example, the other day I told him it was impossible for me to carry on supporting a dead weight. He told me not to call him names, that's not very nice or helpful, etc etc. And today he brought it up again that I've called him a dead weight. He says I make him feel so small that it makes him act out and that I have a vicious nasty tongue on me. I have sometimes said I make him feel so small because he should feel small, and that he wouldn't be on the receiving end of my words if he just made some damn bit of effort to help me... but still nothing, he just constantly says he will change and he will try, and he'll get a job... but no job ever comes.

I'm feeling very exhausted of being the only one with any financial responsibility, whilst he lives off me quite happily. He says he's not happy being like this and wants to get work... but why doesn't he? How can I make him understand that 99% of the reason I'm so stressed and upset all the time is because I see him making no effort when I'm struggling so hard?

At the same time, I have this wild notion that sticking together is best and I literally fantasise about our happy life out of this city, away from all the crap.

This could have been me a year or so ago, stupidly ridiculous to call the police, but he had woken the kids up and threatening to take them, so I dialled 999!!
He legged it and nearly broke some bones leaping over fences etc, we are both in occupations where it would be career suicide to have ANYTHING show up on an enhanced disclosure!!
I was completely contrite when the police arrived (he had gone) and they weren't very impressed with me, they had insisted on coming up even after they called me back and I said there was no need (well he was standing in front of me at the time).
Never heard anything from SS though, but if I did, they would have arrived and seen a totally normal household, so I wouldn't have been worried on that score.
Anyway, it really showed up a point in our relationship, where we'd had massive arguments before, but obviously this was a point too far.
A year or so on, we are living seperately but still in a relationship (my idea) because we couldn't have a normal arguement without it going totally over the top, I think there was so much resentment on both sides for various things that it all bubbled over in any kind of disagreement, now we don't live together, a LOT of the resentment is no longer there and we are working on getting back to US again.

I think that is the longet post I have ever written!!

I wouldn't exactly say he does sweet FA for the family, YourHissyness, didn't you read the part where he stays at home and cares for the baby? Or are you saying that SAHPs do sweet FA? Or is that just SAHDs?

DesperatelyWorriedSick - lots of couples, me included, have the odd blazing row and then things are hunky dory in between. Booze often makes things worse and things end up being said in the heat of the moment. I know loads of couples who have not dissimilar relationships to your own - ie a bit volatile from time to time but okay in between. We cant all be perfect. Ignore the people on here banging on about domestic abuse or trying to make you feely guilty for having a drink. What total rubbish.
Perhaps your bloke needs ADs btw

I agree that he is not worthless, try saying that to a stay at home mum!!
I understand that money is on the minus though and he should be working if he can, it is hard if you have been out of work, it really knocks your confidence!
If he loves being at home with your dd, perhaps he could do a childcare course or something similar, there are not enough male role models in childcare??

wannabefree - we all just lounge in our pj's watching jeremy vile didn't you know!

I know this will sound unsympathetic, can't think of another way to put it but what did you expect when you had a child? Did you think a long term unemployed, unenthusiastic jobseeker was suddenly going to change? And who would care for dd if he did find work, who would fund that? If dp was a woman at home caring for a child full time, would it be called 'doing nothing'?

He was caring full time for a nine month old daughter, I hardly call it doing nothing.

That's not what you're posting about but the crux of the matter is you don't respect him, but had a child with him.

All these arguments and tensions will be affecting your little one. It cannot go on.

Hi, i was in a very similar type of relationship and also got a visit from social services to check both me and my children were safe. After they were satisfied we were, they closed the case and never came back.
BUT i have to admit it was a HUGE wake up call for me, knowing that things had gotten that bad.
I decided to end the relationship for the sake of my children, i thought it would be best for them to grow up in a happy, single parent family than listening to me and their dad arguing and shouting.
It was the best decision i have ever made.
Obviously, i cant tell you what to do, its your life and you will do whats best for you and your child, i'm sure.
Good luck :)

Lookingfoxy - he doesn't want to be a stay at home father, that is the point. He enjoys it well enough most of the time, he says, but he is very bored, has no hobbies and does not take her to any playgroups or anything like that. The agreement when we moved into this place last October was that by January he would be working, at the very least part time (even bar work, whatever - he has no qualifications, not even GCSEs, and has past convictions so cannot do certain types of work) to help support this family. He was never supposed to be a SAHD.

He certainly would not want to do a childcare course! His only interest is fitness and he'd like to be a personal trainer, but I don't have the money lying around to pay for that qualification, and besides, he's never shown interest at sticking at anything before now so I am reluctant to fork out for him.

We are polar opposites - I am a postgraduate in a professional career and just cannot believe that this is my life. We met and got together in a mad whirlwind... and are now reaping the consequences of that.

perfumedlife, I should explain - neither of us were ever going to be stay at home parents. I would always work full time, as my salary is triple his best hope, but he was going to work at least part time and we have ample assistance with childcare.

When I fell pregnant, it was 6 weeks into the relationship, unplanned and totally unexpected (10 years on the pill, never any problem). I decided that despite everything I would go ahead.. he promised he'd step up to the mark...

As for being due credit for being a SAHD... he is great with DD and I do not criticise for the most part, but his laziness is an issue. He never takes her out (unless it's to his mum's), and is happy to stick her in front of the TV alone whilst he crawls back into bed for half an hour. I am not convinced that is normal.

neverontime, thanks for your message.

I have to go now as he's coming home in a minute, but thanks for all your kind and thoughtful messages. It amazes me that you would take the time to talk to me, thank you all so much.

I will come back and update tomorrow - I will call SS first thing to re-arrange the visit... I'm still petrified, but slightly reassured. To my knowledge she has never been anywhere near what SS consider significant risk, but I think this will frighten me (and DP) into changing our relationship, or calling it quits before we do any (more) damage.

Could you suggest seperating/living seperately?
He would probably have to go the private let or 'homeless but living at home' route.
There are sport courses he could do without having to pay for them if he's unemployed or if your on a low (normal) wage.
You really need to discuss this with him first though, he may not be taking the piss because he has been out of work for so long and may be genuinely devastated by this suggestion (imagine saying this to a sahm) but if you are really struggling financially then he should be applying for anything, from cleaning to bar jobs, we've all been there!!
I'm only posting from my own perspective btw!

Sorry, hadn't seen the other posts, took me that long to repy!

I don't like the idea of a 9mth old alone watching tv, while he sleeps in another room? Is she in a play-pen?

I can see half-dozing on the sofa occasionally while she watches, but to go back to bed isn't on.

Oh god, he was a diamond in the rough, wasn't he? So much potential, but had suffered in the past...correct me if I'm wrong.

If that is the case - I'd suggest you cut your losses and run free.

Being charitable I would say he is depressed.
Being honest, I would say he is a lazy so-and-so who you are carrying.
He either needs to get his act together and get a job (any job) or you need to get rid.
He isn't looking after your child properly. You cannot park a 9 month old in front of the TV and go back to bed. Does he do the washing/cooking/cleaning/shopping or does that get left to you?

What do you really get out of this relationship? And is that what you want?

there are a lot of contradictions in your posts - he is great but he sticks her in front of tv and goes to bed
he is very happy looking after her - he is very frustrated he is depressed
etc.

you are v happy together but he calls you evil f bitch and you call him names etc.

your dd is very young, prob too young to pick up more than tone of voice. but fast forward two years and her first words are going to be "evil f-ing bitch"...if you not careful...

she doesnt need to go out every day to groups - but once she more mobile then going back to bed while looking after her is not an option...

get some outside help to see what is going on. and where this is going.
tell SS - and mean it - that dad will see GP, get signed onto exercise programme etc (leave dd with his mum or in sports centre creche)

that dad will look up surestart centre (before it closes due to cuts)

that you will see someone to talk to about dealing with the financial worries/anxiety so you dont take it out on him.

maybe you should try Relate just to talk thru the resentments and see if there is a way round it .

but he isnt going to change his personality. nor are you. find a way to live with the differences - or dont. there is coming thru the idea he promised you various things - and doesnt deliver. so you carry everything.

He is a dead weight and a parasite, though. I bet he does fuck all in the way of housework if his idea of looking after a baby is to park her in front of the telly and go back to bed. TBH if SS came round and he was asleep in bed with no one else looking after your wide-awake DD you would both be in a lot of trouble.
You tried to make this relationship work because of the unplanned PG when if you had not fallen PG I expect you would have dumped the lazy cocklodger long before now. You probably thought he would be transformed into a decent, responsible human being by the birth of his child - not an entirely unreasonable expectation at the time of course. BUT he's had enough time to shape up now, and hasn't done so. You need to get him out of the house. Given that he is clearly a self-obsessed lazyarse it might be a job to get him to go, and it is unfortunately quite likely that his relationship with DD will dwindle away as he won't bother to come and see her but you will still be so much better off without him.