Worried sick - I really need advice and reassurance, please

[DesperatelyWorriedSick]

I've namechanged for this. I'm a regular lurker since pregnant with DD (9 months) and have posted a few times.

I really need some advice and reassurance, if that's even possible in my situation.

Brief background is my relationship with DD's father has been fiery at times, but for the most part we have had a very normal, ordinary, boring routine family life since DD was born. She is a well-adjusted, happy little child and the delight of our lives.

DP is long-term unemployed, and has never been able to find work since we have been together (he has twice got work for a short time, through friends and family, but didn't last). Since DD was born I have been the sole earner, and I work full time whilst DP looks after DD. Life is stressful, and I am getting deeper into debt each month.

Unfortunately, financial pressures have been getting to me, and I am constantly irritated at DP for his laziness and apparent unwillingness to put any effort into contributing for our family. Our understanding was always that we would both work and both contribute to the family finances, however, he makes only cursory attempts at finding work (goes to the Jobcentre, prints off papers but hardly ever follows up with calls and emails, etc). Generally, he is very depressed due to having nothing much to do, and he has no hobbies so spends most of his time at home. He enjoys looking after DD but feels very frustrated and bored much of the time.

Anyway, we occasionally have big rows where we have both said some incredibly hurtful things, to the point where I worry we will ever be able to get past our past and be happy together, because it seems whenever there is another row, the past gets raked up.

However, most of the time we are pretty ok and we get by - seems like a contradiction, but we know we can't be at loggerheads all the time, and we do have genuine feelings for each other so we always manage to sort things out.

Recently, after an argument at home about money (when DD was asleep in her room), and after we'd had a bit too much to drink, things escalated and I asked him to leave our rented flat, which I pay for. He refused to leave, saying he had as much right as I do to stay. After much taunting and baiting on both sides, I said I would call the police if he didn't leave.

(I realise now how UTTERLY foolish this was but was blind with upset at the time.)

Police turned up, by which point he had left to sit on our doorstep to await their arrival. The police were obviously completely unimpressed with the situation, told me to sober up and did I think it was appropriate to be drinking with a small child in the house. They asked how the argument started, and I blabbered on a bit about him having gone through my text messages and finding something he didn't approve of - all pretty petty and stupid and the officers clearly thought this was ridiculous.

A few days later, a hand delivered letter arrives - Children's Services had a referral due to the police attending our house. We were out, but the letter asks us to call and make another appointment, and we will be 'assessed'.

So... I hope I have posted in the right place... can anyone tell me anything about social services assessments in these instances? I should say there is no domestic violence and for the most part, we are a very normal family, but things have escalated (verbal rows) from time to time.

I think they are concerned about the welfare of our daughter - I am desperately worried, although DD has never been in the room when we have argued, and she is very well cared for.

Also, does anyone have experience of this type of relationship, where usually everything is fine, but occasionally there is an apparent total breakdown? To the point where we ask each other to leave the house, where I am called an evil fucking bitch but then next day everything is hunky dory? Any advice please... sometimes I feel like I can't cope, then all of a sudden everything is great again.

I am so sorry for the length of this, probably mostly irrelevant. Is this relationship normal? Has anyone ever called the police in a fit of upset, when it wasn't necessary? How can I deal with this?

OP your relationship is on the skids and unless you both work out where you are, where you want to go and what you are going to get there, your DC is going to grow up in a house where situations like the one you described here become more and more common.

Contact Relate and get some counselling. Maybe you will be able to stay together, maybe you will split but whatever happens will be more healthy for you all.

BTW it is not at all acceptable for him to leave your child alone in front of the TV while he goes to bed. Sounds like he is depressed, but that is no excuse for child neglect.

You havent been together a year and things are like this ?

He goes back to bed leaving a 9mo baby watching tv to me thats totally messed up

Sorry but I think you should get shot of him you dont sound good together.

Bite the bullet now while your dd is a baby , you can create a lovely future with her and he wont change. If having a baby hasnt galvanized him into taking any sort of work nothing will.

Sorry dont want to be harsh - good luck

x post . SGB said it better

On a side issue, would it be a bit po-faced to say that if you have debt problems you should not be drinking to forget them? Alcohol is expensive. If you drink one bottle of cheap wine between you, say a fiver, four or five times a week that's 20-25 quid every week, £100 a month, double that up if you have a bottle each... that is really quite a lot of money. When you're on a budget you can't just go bunging expensive empty calories into the shopping basket as a matter of course, as if you were rich people. It should be an occasional treat. And then it makes you quarrelsome. Right now, instead of being one of life's pleasures as it should, having a little tipple is actually adding to your problems.

Yeah, that does sound disgustingly po-faced. Maybe I'm just bad-tempered because I've had to make a bottle of Baileys last three months!

sounds awful, how can you afford to drink to excess when you say you are "getting deeper into debt each month."

as for the kid not hearing the arguments, dont kid yourself about that, she will be fully aware

He is a dead weight and a parasite, though. I bet he does fuck all in the way of housework if his idea of looking after a baby is to park her in front of the telly and go back to bed

i would imagine quite a fair few mothers on here do that too, maybe spending hours on the internet while baby stares at the telly :(

speak for yourself.... dearyme

hey op. i'm not going to cover the ss invilvement as lots of other have but i will add something.

i am not excusing your dp behaviour but i think being a sahd is a really, really hard job. i dont mean in the practical sense as in that way its no different to it being my but in the psychological sense. i thinkl a lot of mean feel they should provide for their family and live up to their own masculine ideals and a sahd role can feel like its going against this. also men find it harder to access support - i mean just like going to baby grousp and things is harer because they are moslty mums. when i read your post i wondered what your dp did all day with dd during the week and how that made him feel. i dod think that isolation and lack of social role valorissation can make a depressed/lost person so much worse. can see that it is the practical solution but it will make your dp worse in terms of getting a job and getting on. i know that because i am finding it difficult to get motivated to get back to work after 18 months of limbo with my own dd. also i'm v good friends with a sahd. hecoes very well but i know he has some very dark periods of frustration about his situation becuase of his commitment to his dw/dc. with him definitely i know it was much easier in the beginning but that nearly 2 years in this role is affecting his confidence as an adult/husband quite badly.

you might be lucky with ss and they might refer/signpost you and your dp to some local support. even a kids and dads group might be really helpful to your dp - they are surestart centrees - which also run support with getting back to work which i think he does need.

hope things work out for you

DesperatelyWorriedSick... I am so sorry, you have come on here hoping for reassurance ....but my parents used to scream and shout at each other and I bet they thought we couldn't hear them... of course we could and it's not something I will ever forget. When he was gone and life was calmer, it was better. That is horrible, and as I loved my Dad it was hard but it was better when he wasn't there and we weren't waiting for the next round.

You cannot have these shouting matches in the same house as her even though she is a baby, she will be scared stiff of anything she hears. Plus she may grow up thinking that is ok.

If he is depressed, then medication may help. He and baby need to get out of the house every day, esp if he has depression. If he is lazy, you need to move on.

Best of luck x

lastly - if you have the ss visit on your own it might do you good to talk to a ss, might make you feel better and help put tings in perspective

You said "when he is angry, I feel afraid".

You know that's not normal, don't you?

I think you need to put together a plan of action.

Talking to Relate would be a good idea. If he won't go, arrange to see someone yourself.

I'm not going to rush to say "get rid", but you need to be able to have a serious talk with him, so that you both have an agreed vision of your future plans. He needs to buy in to those joint goals. If not, well, it's not much a partnership, is it? How long are you prepared to carry him if he's not prepared to make an effort?

As part of this, it would be good if you could agree as a couple some ground rules about fighting eg. no name-calling. You agree not to call him a deadweight, he agrees not to call you an evil bitch. I'm not saying that you should unilaterally set these rules, but if you can't negotiate it as a couple, again, I don't hold out much hope for your long-term prospects.

Realistically, your options are:
a) negotiate with him to make this a real partnership
b) seperate
c) resign yourself to living like this indefinitely.

What you shouldn't do is retreat into fantasies of how things might suddenly get better, eg. if the perfect job miraculously fell into his lap. You need to be more proactive, for the sake of your dd if not yourself.