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Original poster

DP, Women Clothing

51 replies

MissUnsure · 12/04/2011 19:06

Hello,

I am not actually a mum but have been on the site for a while. Have name changed for this due to personal circumstances.

I do not want to sound prejudiced or anything but I think I could do with talking about the situation with someone as I can't in real life.
I found out last year that my DP with whom I have been for 3 years now likes to dress up in women clothing. He doesn't do it in public but he says it's something he has the urge to do and feels miserable when he can't. Apparently the urge comes in waves.

I found out by accident, he only told me afterwards (don't want to go into much detail due to obvious reasons).
I just don't know how to handle it somehow and could do with some advice or at least a chat about it.

I do love him and it feels like nothing has changed but it still gives me a weird feeling somehow. I can't really explain it as I don't know why. It's hard for me to understand somehow. I was brought up quite prudish and I think that might be one of my issues. I am absolutely not saying that I think it is wrong or anything, it is just hard for me to handle if that makes sense?

I told him that I would not like him to do so in front of me. He told me that that is fine but now in addition to feeling a bit awkward about it I am also worried for him, as I feel like it can't be good for him to have to hide a part of his personality from me/in his own home.

Has anyone been in a situation like this?

OP posts:
Viagrafalls · 12/04/2011 19:11

Can't really offer any help but there is an interesting link here
Hopefully someone else will be along soon with some proper advice!

Original poster
MissUnsure · 12/04/2011 19:35

Thank you Viagrafalls, that page is quite interesting. DP is out over night so I will have a better look around it later.

OP posts:
merrywidow · 12/04/2011 19:53

You love him and hes not hiding, as you know now; whether you wish to see him dressed is possibly a different issue?

IME of cross dressers, through work that I do, they are very gentle people; is your DP like this?

Original poster
MissUnsure · 12/04/2011 20:01

Yes, I do know now. Sometimes it's still bothering me though that he didn't tell me. I am worried he didn't trust me enough and worried that he managed to lie to me for so long.

He is a gentle person though, shows his feelings quite well for a man I guess. I mean he doesn't like talking about it but does show when he is upset and accepts me and my feelings and behaviour completely and reacts approrpiately. Is that what you mean by gentle?

OP posts:
merrywidow · 12/04/2011 20:22

Yes, thats what I mean by gentle.

I'm guessing it would have been a very difficult subject to broach and not about trusting you enough.

Original poster
MissUnsure · 12/04/2011 20:25

Sorry, English is not my first language. So wasn't sure about the gentle thing.

But you are right, that's what he says. It was hard for him to talk to anyone and he was scared to lose me. And while I know that's probably true there are still these nagging thoughts at the back of my mind. Oh gosh I sound horrible, don't I Sad

OP posts:
ilikeshoes · 12/04/2011 20:31

You don't sound horrible, it would be shocking to most people i would of thought, but i would imagine that it would of been more embarrasing for your partner and he probably found it very hard to tell you, i would just try to research it, google it, to find out more and to try and understan the desire for men to dress up as women. At least he is being honest with you and not hiding things.

merrywidow · 12/04/2011 20:37

No, you don't sound horrible, you have discovered something about DP you didn't know about and are still probably shocked on different levels.

Despite the fact that we all have heard of men cross dressing, it would be a shock to any partner because it is unusual.

And you are still there; his fear of losing you is unounded, however I would think to be expected, but not because he can't trust you IYSWIM

You don't sound at all horrible

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 12/04/2011 20:47

I see someone's already sent the Beaumont Society link, you will find that very helpful. As with any quirk of a partner's only you can decide how much it bothers you ie is it something that is not as important to you as all the things you love about your partner, or is it something that distresses or disgusts you so much that it invalidates the partner's good points?

Original poster
MissUnsure · 12/04/2011 20:48

Thank you both.
I found out a few months ago but have somehow managed to kinda 'forget' about it fairly well. Read: try to ignore. But I somehow feel that that's not fair on either of us as I am feeling insecure about myself my feelings, the situation and so on and he shouldn't have to hide.

We have been talking about it a bit more lately. And to be fair to him he has tried to answer all my questions and has been very understanding about my reactions, such as anger at first and then insecurities.
I don't really want to burden him with my own hang ups about it though.

But yeah, I am still here. I just hope it's really the best for both of us that I am Sad

I will take up all your advise though and try to google it a bit more. Just talking about it on here is already making me feel a bit better. I feel like I have to hide just as much as he has to

OP posts:
thishappenedtometoo · 12/04/2011 20:49

Have namechanged for this as this happened to me, too. And was a bit of a surprise as we had always been so open as a couple, but this is a huge thing to share, potentially end of marriage stuff. It is also such a habitually private, hidden thing and my DH, who has no problem accepting any facet of my sexuality - or any other part of his own - really struggles to talk about it. Perhaps it would be better if you explored those nagging thoughts? He isn't necessarily gay, if that's the worry, or transsexual.

Original poster
MissUnsure · 12/04/2011 20:51

Just saw your post, SpringChicken.

It is not disgusting me, more weirding me out a bit. Probably because I can't really understand it.

He says it's just a dressing thing for him, he does not want to be a woman and it seems enough for him to do so in private.

OP posts:
merrywidow · 12/04/2011 20:54

For what its worth I'd take a gentle, cross dressing man home for keeps any day over some of the mysoginistic excuses for men I read about here and have had the experience of.

I would bet your DP is lovely

Original poster
MissUnsure · 12/04/2011 20:54

And cross posted again, this time with thishappenedtometoo.

Thank you. As I just said in my above post he says it's only dressing and no wish to become a woman, live as one or whatever. According to him it simply makes him feel good and comfortable.
May I ask how you and your DH have dealt with it? Were you shocked in the beginning and how open/comfortable about it are you now?
I know it might be too private so just ignore it if you don't feel comfortable talking about it

OP posts:
Original poster
MissUnsure · 12/04/2011 20:56

That's true merry , he is very caring and understanding. Especially when comparing him to some of the men described on here!
He is lovely, definitely. And I do love him. It's just a bit of a weird situation and one I didn't think I would ever find myself in.

OP posts:
TiggyD · 12/04/2011 21:23

www.transpartners.co.uk/ is a good site.

venusandmars · 12/04/2011 21:27

Hi, my friend's dh likes to cross dress. I would recommend doing as she did and finding a good counsellor qualified in this field for YOU to talk to. My friend's dh does not have gender issues, he is not go out dressed as a woman, and he is not gay/bi etc. My friend found the counselling helped because finding out about her dh did impact on her own feelings about his sexuality and her own.

Through the counselling my friend was able to be clear in her own mind what was acceptable, and what was not. So she accepts that her dh cross dresses, but she insists that he must buy all his own clothes and must never wear any of hers, he must take care of washing those clothes himself and keep them out of sight. She does not want to be with him when he is dressed in female clothes so he can only do it when she is not in the house.

Despite all that, they have a good and close relationship, and are still together and happy more than 10 years after she first found out.

Original poster
MissUnsure · 12/04/2011 22:20

Tiggy , thank you for the link, it seems very useful. I have read some articles on there and some of my feelings are described on there perfectly.

Venusandmars thank you too. It is nice to hear a story with such a positive outcome. I feel a lot like your friend, not comfortable to be around and don't want him and basically want to keep that life separate from me. He has said that he would be ok with that, I am just worried whether he will feel very limited.
Maybe some counselling would be beneficial. Everything in my head seems quite chaotic.
Are your friend and her husband quite open about the cross dressing with you and other people?

OP posts:
venusandmars · 13/04/2011 09:46

My friend is open with me about her feelings about it all, her dh knows that I know, and we have had a couple of conversations to acknowledge this (so it isn't an 'unspoken' secret) but he and I do not discuss it. There are not many others that they have told, and no-one in his family knows Sad

Take your time to get used to it and adjust to how you feel. Speak to your dh, and if possible speak to someone independent. Take care of your own feelings and treat yourself kindly.

Original poster
MissUnsure · 13/04/2011 11:55

Thanks Venus. No one in my DP's family knows either. Like I said, I only found out 'by accident'. He also said it's nothing he would like to discuss with them ever. It's a bit sad but at the same time I understand it somehow.

I was up very long yesterday and read loads on the links you gave me. It definitely gave me food for thought. I think I might discuss it with DP a bit more when he is coming home tonight. The last few months we have more or less ignored it but for a few talks but it's on my mind a lot and I think a frank discussion might be in order

OP posts:
JessicaDrew · 13/04/2011 11:56

is there anything sexual about it
sorry to ask

Original poster
MissUnsure · 13/04/2011 12:14

He says there isn't. And I hope he is honest with me. Why?

OP posts:
JessicaDrew · 13/04/2011 12:20

just reckon this kind of thing is always linked
hopefully just fantasies, and nothing of a bi or gay nature
i am sure you know what i mean

Original poster
MissUnsure · 13/04/2011 12:40

I do. Do you have any experience with it though? Because both people online and my partner say that it is completely unrelated to their sexuality.

OP posts:
JessicaDrew · 13/04/2011 12:51

not really, only an exBF who wanted to wear my sussies and fishnets in bed!!!!!!