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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP, Women Clothing

51 replies

MissUnsure · 12/04/2011 19:06

Hello,

I am not actually a mum but have been on the site for a while. Have name changed for this due to personal circumstances.

I do not want to sound prejudiced or anything but I think I could do with talking about the situation with someone as I can't in real life.
I found out last year that my DP with whom I have been for 3 years now likes to dress up in women clothing. He doesn't do it in public but he says it's something he has the urge to do and feels miserable when he can't. Apparently the urge comes in waves.

I found out by accident, he only told me afterwards (don't want to go into much detail due to obvious reasons).
I just don't know how to handle it somehow and could do with some advice or at least a chat about it.

I do love him and it feels like nothing has changed but it still gives me a weird feeling somehow. I can't really explain it as I don't know why. It's hard for me to understand somehow. I was brought up quite prudish and I think that might be one of my issues. I am absolutely not saying that I think it is wrong or anything, it is just hard for me to handle if that makes sense?

I told him that I would not like him to do so in front of me. He told me that that is fine but now in addition to feeling a bit awkward about it I am also worried for him, as I feel like it can't be good for him to have to hide a part of his personality from me/in his own home.

Has anyone been in a situation like this?

OP posts:
Original poster
MissUnsure · 13/04/2011 15:10

Well that got me worried just that tiny bit more.

OP posts:
JessicaDrew · 13/04/2011 15:19

sorry hun
if its all just linked to fantasy sex it may be easier to cope with, than a man truelly wanting to be a woman

EggyFucker · 13/04/2011 15:21

Jess , I think you should educate yourself a bit more about cross dressing before making sweeping staements like that

CD is not done by bi-or gay men (necessarily)

"I am sure you know what I mean" ...how very Daily Mail Hmm

Just come out with it if you have an opinion (as unfounded as it is)...nudge-nudge/wink-wink attitudes like yours are just what the Op and her DH ( who sounds like an OK bloke, btw, just has a liking for something outside of mainstream) do not need

Miss, read the informative links and non-judgmental information that has been offered upthread.

Of all the secrets my DH could ever land on me, this is probably one of the least harmful and benevolent ones I can think of. Of course it's a shock but I think in a happy marriage it is something you could work through.

venusandmars · 13/04/2011 15:23

I think this is exactly why it might help YOU to speak with someone who is an expert in this kind of work (and if you're going to do that then please speak to lots of people on the phone until you find someone you feel truly comfortable with).

Cross dressing may be the stuff of your dp's fantasy but there can also be a very clear line between that and reality. In a similar way, I might fantasise about making love while the window cleaner is watching, but you can be certain that if he appeared at the window in reality then I'd be the first one out of the door to knock his ladder from under him!

Keep talking to your dp, keep in touch with your own feelings and reactions.

Original poster
MissUnsure · 13/04/2011 15:29

Thank you EggyFucker. I really don't need anyone making me more insecure. But the online sources are really good and support what DP has said about his personal situation.

I guess you are right and there are way worse things that could happen to a partnership. It was quite a shock though, if I am honest. But even though we have only been together for three years I do feel like our relationship is usually quite strong. I hope that will help to find a solution that works for both of us.
Thinking about it yesterday and today though I don't think it's something I am willing to lose him over.

OP posts:
venusandmars · 13/04/2011 15:29

There's a poster who is often on here who is called SolidGoldBrass or SpringChickenGoldBrass ot other varients (don't know what name she is using at the moment). She is very knowledgeable about 'alternative' sexual issues (anything other than my preferance for plain vanilla Grin), and could give you some sound, researched support.

Original poster
MissUnsure · 13/04/2011 15:33

Cross post venus.

He says he has been doing it since he has been very little (which appears usual) but it's not a sexual fantasy.
Thanks for making me laugh about the window cleaner analogy though Grin

I hope we will get a chance to have a very open chat tonight. He doesn't like talking about it much but really tries to answer all my questions even when he himself is embarrassed.

OP posts:
JessicaDrew · 13/04/2011 15:37

as its not a sexual fantasy i not comment further and use my knowledge Blush elsewhere lol
hope all goes well
sorry to have riled you Eggy shall now wipe your from my chin Smile

Original poster
MissUnsure · 13/04/2011 15:44

Thanks Venus I'll look out for her. Might learn something from her as I am more plain vanilla myself Wink

And Jessica, I am sorry if you think I am not taking your experience/knowledge into account. I can obviously just go by what DP and the internet say.

OP posts:
EggyFucker · 13/04/2011 16:04

Miss, sorry if I looked like I was downplaying your distress by effectively saying "there are worse things"

I had a good think about how I would feel in your situation, and I know it isn't the same because I am not in it, but I really think I would be ok with it

It fulfils a need in him...a harmless need as far as I can see.

If he kept it out of the sight of people like ol' Jess here who are a bit thick and wouldn't even try to understand and only tried to involve me in it to the extent that I was happy with, including lots of open discussion along the way, I wouldn't see a problem

btw, Springchicken has already posted on this thread

I feel sure she would be happy for you to pm her, if you want some more signposts for good information. She would be glad to help you.

EggyFucker · 13/04/2011 16:06

btw, you said you found out "by accident"...are you sure it was a complete accident ?

he may have wanted you to know, and not have secrets from you

he trusts you

that is fab, I think

JessicaDrew · 13/04/2011 16:09

thanks for the slagging off miss love eggs
love you too!!!!!

EggyFucker · 13/04/2011 16:12

The Easter Holidays can be such a bore, don't ya think ?

Original poster
MissUnsure · 13/04/2011 16:18

Oh, how embarrassing. Shows I didn't look out hard enough for her I guess. I have read all the replies though, just couldn't remember everyone's name. I do appreciate all your help though, honestly!

I didn't feel like you downplayed it at all. I actually think it's good to put it into perspective somehow. We are both quite young (early twenties) and are both therefore limited in our life and relationship experience. Maybe that;s of significance? I don't know.
But you are right, there are things so much worse happening out there every day and this is just one 'quirk' I guess.

I am sure it was by accident. I found out he planned on meeting some women during a week I was away, turning out to be a group for cross dressers. I confronted him about it (thinking he is cheating Blush ) and he reluctantly told me. He has told me though that he is glad I found out because he felt very lonely because of it.

OP posts:
TiggyD · 13/04/2011 19:53

There are many flavours of transvestites (TVs). There are some who are in it for the fetishy aspect, some feel like they might be women (Transsexuals TSs), some might be bi or gay as well as being a TV. Your partner sounds like a regular TV who needs to be a bit feminine from time to time.

People talk about people having a feminine and masculine side. I'm sure if all the women on here tried wearing shapeless men's shirts and trousers with no make-up and flat shoes they would be desperate to feel more feminine after a few weeks. It's the same with TVs. They have a feminine side bigger that most men and they need to let it out sometimes. It usually means they get on with women easier than most men!
Keeping a major part of yourself a secret really does torture you. Most try to give up cross dressing but it never lasts too long. He is, and always will be a transvestite. Counselling to get you both talking might help. The main reason he kept it a secret is, I'm sure, because he loves you and doesn't want to lose you.

What part of the country are you in?

Original poster
MissUnsure · 13/04/2011 20:36

I understand where you are coming from. I am fine with walking around in jeans a lot but really enjoy dressing up and doing my make up properly as well.

I am close to Glasgow.

OP posts:
EggyFucker · 14/04/2011 07:05

Did you have a talk with him, Miss ?

Original poster
MissUnsure · 14/04/2011 10:54

Yes we did. Didn't have the chance to come here earlier though.

I told him that I read quite bit and he was quite interested to hear my opinion. We both agree that it's obviously not going to change and we have to work on it and our relationship.
I told him that I am not comfortable with him doing it when I am around. I was also really open and told him that I think it might be a big turn off for me so I would really prefer him to be private about it, as I don't want to risk our healthy sex live. Not that he can't talk about it or whatever but be discrete, keep the clothing out of sight etc. I told him that I know it's a lot to ask in his own flat but he seemed fine with it.

After digging a bit he told me that in a perfect world I would feel a bit better about it and he could do it more freely. By that he means doing it in another room when I am home or dashing to the loo or whatever. He said that he would never want me involved though as it's a private absolutely non-sexual thing.
I told him that I might never be ok with seeing him and he said that is absolutely fine and that he is willing to make that compromise for our relationship. He sounded quite positive about it actually.
He also said that he thinks it's great I can agree to it at all as he has heard of a lot of women trying to tell their husbands to not cross dress at all or leave them right away. So even though I want him to keep it private he is quite happy with my reaction.
I told him that I will call when I come home spontaneously and give him time to himself.
So a bit like Venus' friend I guess.

I hope I didn't out too many 'rules' out there right away but he seemed quite happy with it. And the talk reassured me again that he does not have the desire to sleep with men or include it in our sex life.
He would like to meet with groups and that is totally fine with me of course. I think it might be good for him actually to be able to talk about it with some people who understand.

He said that he doesn't feel like he will ever want to share it with his family. Apparently he is not sad about that though as he doesn't feel like he has to, as it is a private thing just for him.

We agreed to keep the communication channels open though and that it's definitely something we can talk about. And that we are both in this relationship for the long run and will try to be open and work on all the issues.
He also said he is glad I know and am willing to talk about it as he has always felt quite lonely.

So I thought it was quite positive.

OP posts:
EggyFucker · 14/04/2011 17:44

I think that is very positive

well done on keeping your cool and you sound very mature for your age, btw

like you said, keep the communication channels open, and make sure he tells you if he changes the goal posts at all

all the best x

Original poster
MissUnsure · 14/04/2011 20:12

Thank you again EggyFucker. It's nice and reassuring to hear you think it went well as well. Like I said, I was a bit worried to put too many ground rules down. But we seem good today and I hope it will all work out.

I am once again positively surprised at how nice and helpful (and non-judgemental) everyone on mumsnet is Smile

OP posts:
EggyFucker · 14/04/2011 20:33

You should make it clear what your ground rules are

He has dropped a bombshell of epic proportions

You are in the driving seat here, seriously

Any time you feel uncomfortbale, you tell him

and if he doesn't try his best to reassure you, then you think again

like I said yonks ago, I could deal with this (I think) Smile

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 14/04/2011 22:03

You've already had plenty of good advice OP and it sounds like you are taking a very sensible approach to it as well. It is up to you to decide whether you can accept his crossdressing or not, and on what terms, however if you decide you can't live with it you will probably need to end the relationship, because he isn;t going to stop doing it (and there is no reason why he should). It is harmless, it only rarely means that a man is gender dysphoric (really does want to become a woman) and very rarely indeed means that he's gay. For a lot of men who do it, it's an occasional way of exploring another side of themselves. If he's a lovely man in other ways and the two of you communicate well, there's no reason for it to be a problem between you. Best of luck, anyway.

EggyFucker · 14/04/2011 22:06

spring, you really need to sort that bolding out

you keep getting it very wrong Smile

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 14/04/2011 22:30

Yes, it's cock, isn't it? I am too impatient to preview posts which is probably the bulk of the problem.
Sorry OP, please don't think that the Bold Apocalypse is me shouting at you...

Original poster
MissUnsure · 14/04/2011 23:03

Not taking it personally, I keep screwing them up as well.

I know it's up to me at this point. I put down the rules with what I am comfortable for now and he agreed to them. I think that is all I can do right now.
I don't think I need counselling or anything because while it has been a shock I am feeling ok about it now. And my partner and I did manage to talk about it openly so I am not sure we need it either. Might consider it at a later point though.

It does seem pretty harmless to me right now. Something that challenges my prude world view but something that right now is not making me consider breaking it off. An I know it will not change but he is trying very much to help me come to terms with it.

OP posts: