Please help, everything is going wrong

[OhWesternWind]

Hello there. Some of you might remember me - my dp left after 17 years very suddenly back in January, and there have been all sorts of issues coming out due to his behaviour towards our daughter, and at the moment he's not having contact with the children.

Anyway, I am at a very low point this weekend.

First of all, it's hit home that here I am, 40 years old, single and basically there's no-one out there that loves me. I feel so very very lonely and sad. I don't have much of a social life because of the children and as I can't trust ex to baby sit I can't afford a sitter very often. I don't have any friends locally to help out and my family are not round here either.

I met ex yesterday to sort out the house and finances, managed to get the settlement I wanted to buy him out which should have made me feel on top of the world, but when we were leaving, he gave me a hug. I broke away first and went, but it really brought home all the affection and love I am missing. Not that I got it from him but I so miss having someone to talk to and who will hug me and love me. I am so lonely. I have friends but it is not the same.

I have had a huge row with my mum as she has badly interfered with my discussions with ex. Unknown to me, she has been phoning his parents and e-mailing him legal documents she wants him to sign. I know she is trying to help but honestly that is going too far. She didn't even mention any of this to me and now I am worried she has kiboshed the agreement I made with him yesterday by doing this.

Ex is also threatening to take me to court about contact with the children. They do not want to see him and dd has said shocking things about how he treated her physically.

The children have also been awful tonight. I asked dd to put her clothes away and had a total tantrum. She hit me and slammed the door in my face, and has just come downstairs and ended up waving her fists at me and was growling and snarling at me. I cannot cope with this sort of thing by myself. I did not react and told her to go upstairs, but she is refusing to have her bath or go to bed. I am leaving her to calm down but I do not know how to cope with this. The younger child is copying this sort of behaviour as we see it a lot whenever she is asked to do something she doesn't want to. She then says afterwards she did it because she is upset about her dad but to be honest that just seems like taking the mickey as it's only when she has to do her chores.

I have had just about enough of this all and I don't know what to do to feel better. I am just crying as I am typing this and the worst thing is I know nobody will come through to see if I am okay or comfort me and I am just on my own with this like with everything else.

oh poor you!!

but it will get better. how old are your dc?

Hi - they are 8 and 5, both birthdays coming up soon.

My friend has had a new baby today and she and her husband are over the moon. I am so happy for them but jealous too in a way and remembering when my two were born and how happpy we were.

It is all a bit crap.

The finances will get sorted - you are almost there so that will help take weight of your shoulders.

The behaviour of the children is worrying and I think you're right to focus on it. Not sure how old they are however I think you should consider counsellng for them, whilst your dd might not want to see her dad she is obviously very unsettled and she needs to release some of the anger through talking.

You can't control what your ex does, if he follows through on court then so be it. Ideally parents do reach agreement on children but if not then the court will arbitrate. If you have genuine concerns then the courts will listen, especially if the children are old enough (over 12) as they will take their views into consideration.

It's still early days for you - life does get better and don't give up hope. Take one step at a time, sort the separation, make sure the children feel happier and have someone to talk to,slowly you will start to see light at the end of the tunnel.

Oh you poor poor thing! Un-MN-type hugs to you. Plus a . Large one.
Kids of this age kicking off is not unusual, and even though it seems manipulative of your DD, it is a symptom of what's going on for her. You've done exactly the right thing by leaving her to calm down and removing yourself from the scene to diffuse the situation.
When you feel strong enough, why not go up and calmly suggest a bath in the morning and to go to sleep now and would she like a hot drink (or whatever). See if she'd like a make-up cuddle? If not, let her be and see how it all is in the morning.
Good luck.

I'm 43, got 1 DS and find myself alone. The H thing I can handle, he was abusive, it's a long road to my recovery, but the last thing I want right now is to be saddled with another pair of bollocks thanks very much I'm happy seeing who I am again, recovering and working on myself.

It was all going fairly well until I realised that my Mother is avoiding me, backing off, letting me down and lying to me.

I need her on my side to get through this and tbh, I think THIS row you have had (quite rightly IMHO) has disproportionately affected you and how you feel.

Can I suggest you go and see her, tell her you know she was trying to help, but that you have got legal advice, you are reaching a good settlement with XH and that if she goes off on tangents she can undermine it all. Tell her that she really does NEED to talk to you before she goes talking to his side, as IF it all goes tits up any day, what she has said/done can counter decisions you have made based on information she is not privy to.

Once you have her back on-side, I think you might feel less alone.

you are handling everything perfectly wrt the dc, really you are. You are on your own for now. It won't necessarily be like that forever. Please have faith and be proud of yourself?

HUGS

You are going to have bad days, you are going to have not-quite-so-bad-days and you are going to have days that are not-that-bad-at-all-days.

You may even have some GOOD-DAYS sometimes.

Your DD does sound like she is trying it on. They all do, if they can. Even DS (5) did once or twice. It got him nowhere!

Today was a bad day. Tomorrow can't possibly be as bad, can it?! Tomorrow will be better!!!

Lots of love OP, lots of love. I've been through this too and I can tell you that it DOES get better. Your kids are reacting to emotional trauma too but they will settle I promise. Mine did. x

I have been seperated for a yr and a half and throughout this time my X has been a complete arse.Lack of RL support was tough .Someone once said to me if the person your talking to isn't listening then that's not the right person to talk to.I know my recovery would have been quicker if I had a better RL support network,but what has happened is I have firm boundaries in place now and a better understanding of why I stayed in an abusive relationship for so long.I cannot change my family but I can change the way I communicate with them and understand that what I am looking for emotionally from them ,for whatever reason I will not find.
It is tough but u will find ur way through it and start nourishing and supporting urself.big hugs ,the kids will settle too as u start to settle into ur new life x

Thank you all for your support. It really helps. Thank you.

I am feeling a bit better this morning and am going to keep busy and not maunder around. If ex had been a bastard and hadn't gone to hug me I think I would have been fine. Bastards I can cope with, him being nice to me I can't.

HH, I think you are right and the row with my mum, who has been great through all this, has really affected me. I phoned her last night and although she apologised you could tell by her tone that she was really mad with me. She has deleted all the e-mail addresses and phone numbers for his side and is over-reacting - "Just so you know I can never contact them again" - and in the end she almost put the phone down on me (she just said a very quick "Goodbye"). She is away for the rest of the week now so I can't talk to her. I think she knows she has done wrong and is being defensive for that reason, but it doesn't help.

To be positive, dd and I "made friends" last night and I have talked to her about her behaviour. I've been trying to get counselling for her since Feb, both through the GP and through her school, and I'll chase both these up today to see if we are starting to get anywhere.

I am quite a self-reliant and independent person anyway, even before all this, and usually I am okay with this but sometimes I have a bit of a wobble and I just want a "someone" - anyone! - to look after me for a little while. I was pretty much on my own for the last four years or so of the relationship with ex as he would go out a lot (yes, he had a woman) and when he was in he would not talk, so it is not a huge shock to my system. I try not to be sad in front of the children as it just upsets them so I do tend to bottle things up, which isn't good. I have a counsellor but it is through work and I have to go back to work afterwards, so I can't really let go there either.

Anyway, I am just waffling on but what I really wanted to say was thank you. Time is a great healer. I just wish we could fast forward the next year and then I am sure we will be fine

Day at a time OP, try not to look at the bigger picture or it gets overwhelming: get through each day. Could you also arrange your work counselling for the end of the day? It's not feasible to be dealing with difficult issues when you have to return to your desk straight afterwards; or can you take the rest of the day off afterwards? Do your employees know what you are facing at the moment - they could give you some time and space if so.

Glad to hear things have settled down with your daughter - it sounds like you're doing all the right things re your children - they are still at a maleable age and you will all come through this. xx

I am just finding it so hard to get through each day. I am trying to put a brave face on and keep going but it is just so hard. I just want this to stop for a while so I can have a break from it! I feel so low and lonely. Even when I am talking to people and chatting away I feel lonely and separate. I don't feel that there is anyone in the world that will help me or would care if they never saw me again, apart from my wonderful children.

I remember your story well and was wondering how you were doing.

It's not surprising you're feeling overwhelmed and lonely. You have had the most enormous amount of stress to deal with in the past few years and especially once your ex started to go off the rails. I also think that you have probably been protecting him all this time and not sharing with people how badly he has behaved towards you and the DCs all these years - that's a lot to hold in.

It sounds as though your Mum has been making this her crisis and has not been focusing on what you need most. I wonder whether she has often had a problem with boundaries, or whether she has a tendency to thrive on the drama of situations and make them all about her? You were quite right to confront her about her behaviour and I think her reaction speaks volumes. It's so tiresome because you need all the support in the world right now and someone who will put their feelings to one side and you, first.

I hope there's some news today about your DD's referral. The behaviour you're seeing is unfortunately an effect of your DP's violence and aggression towards her and she is acting it out on someone she actually feels safe with. Take some comfort from that last bit - trying as her behaviour must be, it would be worse if she internalised her grief and anger. Her emotions are very close to the surface and come from a confused, angry place in the main.

I agree about trying to re-schedule the time of the workplace counselling - or being able to take some time off after each appointment.

You sound like someone who has made it a virtue to be strong and capable and I'm wondering whether you have this persona because your Mum has always been this volatile? I wonder whether that has been your form of rebellion - but that as an adult, it now makes it difficult to step outside of this role and ask for the help you need?

Have a think about that, because I suspect that if you reached out to people more, they would respond positively. If you've always been like this and you've been covering up what's been happening for years (and I remember well some of the awful stuff you've had to deal with) then it's not surprising you're starting to unravel, but haven't got anybody close enough to unburden the whole story with. Part of your coping strategy might have been keeping people at arm's length so that they don't get close enough to probe the facade.

It will get better, but I sense you need to open up and let more people in. Once you get your whole story out to people who genuinely care about you, I think you'll start to feel better and less conflicted all the time. I also think that because you might have been experiencing a kind of split-self for a long time, it's possible you aren't sure who you are any more. This might be useful to discuss with your counsellor, too.

You have been through so much WW, please keep going.

The nice act is the hardest bit. Mine was abusive, so the nice is what I've craved. Being strong in the face of that is awfully hard. Not allowing yourself to believe it is excrutiating.

springydaffs speaks sense, don't look at it all as a mountain, break it down and tackle each element as the separate matters that they in fact ARE.

Send your mum a small gift flowers, chocs or something, or better, go give her a great big hug, sounds like you BOTH could do with it! She was trying to help in her way, but didn't realise that she has to let you do it. She's a Mum too, she doesn't want her baby to have to deal with stuff like this.

Things WILL get better. One step at a time, you'll get there!

OWW, I understand and I'm so sorry. I hope today is better again.

When my H left, I missed all the things you did. But I tried to tell myself that the love I thought I was missing was actually a fiction. It might have felt good, sometimes, but it wasn't real. It wasn't something you could rely on, or lean on, it wasn't really any use at all. If H did love me, he wouldn't have been able to do all those things. Actually I was far better off without him there, sucking the life out of me, taking everything he could get, and giving nothing back.

The "love" demonstrated by my H, and maybe yours too, was worse than useless, it was destructive and poisonous. Getting rid of that from our lives makes way for someone who can love us properly, even if for a little while that's just ourselves! It is so much better to be single than to be with someone who doesn't really love you and can't give you anything.

Thanks for all your replies again! It is wonderful how people here will give their time and support and it really does make a difference.

WhenWillI - I think you must be psychic as you have a lot absolutely spot on. I spent years covering up for ex and his behaviour, because I felt ashamed and also because I knew people would tell me to leave him and I was too frightened to. And - you're right - I don't like to ask for help and prefer to manage on my own. I have talked to maybe three friends about exactly what has been going on, but these people all have lives of their own and I do not like to keep going over and over things which is what I end up doing in my head. It is difficult to talk to people who know ex as he comes across as a really nice and friendly bloke - much nicer than me, probably - and I get a strong feeling that some people do not believe me even when I touch on what has happened in the broadest terms eg "he wasn't very nice to the children" because they just know the superficially charming side of him.

This next bit is going to come out wrong, probably, but I will give it a go. What I want isn't my mum or sister, or friends, great though they are, but someone I can share my life with. I don't know that that can happen now as I have the two children and whatever happens we can never be a proper family unit again. If I do meet someone else it will always be a different relationship with the children. But what I want is a partner who is a companion and a best friend and who is there for me and I am there for him, we can support each other and look after each other. This is where it gets silly, though, because at the moment I don't want to start a new relationship and I don't feel up to trying to find a new partner, I just want to be "in" a relationship, a few years in, and feeling settled and happy. I don't want ex back as I do realise that that was an awful and destructive relationship, but I do want someone who is there for me. You are right, Seachange, that being single is better than being with someone whose "love" doesn't deserve the name. What I want is some proper love and I don't know if that will ever happen.

My mum is a bit of a drama queen, and seems to thrive on arguments and fallings out. She dyes her hair, smokes and drinks and a lot of the time I feel like the responsible adult when she is around! Having said that, she has been really great since ex left and has been a real rock especially for dd who she is very close to. I know she was trying to help but it went so badly wrong I can't see how she could have thought it was a good idea. I will (try and) make it up with her when she is back from my sister's this weekend, though.

Whew, that turned into a bit of a long one. I will get off now as I am supposed to be doing a bit of work here

You would be surprised what passes for family units these days and that you can meet someone who will give you the companionship you want and have a successful relationship with your kids!

But you are right, you are healing right now and it would be all wrong. Isn't it horribly ironic that at the time that you need that support and comfort the most is the very time you shouldn't have it???

Someone else said to take one step at a time and not look too far into the future (that can be overwhelming). I think I remember getting through it with wine and hopelessly romantic DVDs

What I do know is that I am now, over a decade later in a place I could never have imagined back then, with a wonderful DH and kids. I wish I could go back and reassure my damaged self...I can't, so I'll reassure you instead

Thanks MC, and it's good to hear a happy ending to your story. I can't imagine things will end up that well for me and the children but you never know.

I have spoken to the school and the doctor about counselling for dd but they seem to have done very little. They did send the school nurse round and despite me seeing one of the school nurses and explaining the issues with dd and the violence from ex, she did not pass this on to the person who actually saw dd and she just thought she was upset about her dad going and had a nice little chat with her about ponies and said that she was basically okay. No NO NO!!! So I am going to see the doctor next week to try and move things on.

Headteacher apparently did nothing as he wasn't sure whether to believe me and thought it was just bitterness at the end of the relationship. He also wouldn't act on my instructions not to allow ex access to dd via the school even though ex has no PR, until I went in and really laid the law down to him. Even so, I know he has discussed dd with dp on the phone (about some friendship issues) because dp has told me this and that he rang the school. The head has now spoken to the doctor which has given him some reassurance that I am telling the truth (gee, thanks) and is looking into it for us.

I am pretty fed up with this situation and how hard it is to get help for my little girl and the fact that the teachers' mafia (ex is a teacher) are all closing ranks and looking after each other. Any advice on what to do?

Not much really (others do on relationships so I'm bumping it up)

other than to say keep pushing and pushing! It must be really hard but there is little else you can do. I am a teacher too and know just how hard it is to get action taken, quite apart from the mafia thing, there are little resources and time for this support.

You could try contacting the school's SENCO and asking for a cahms refferral (I believe the doctor can do this too) I have seen it used for children who are suffering mental trauma but I know very little else about it. found this link:

cahms

that may not be hugely helpful as it is a local authority link but it gives you an idea of what can be offerred

...and, of course...its camhs !!!

Thanks for that! I will keep trying and plugging away at this.

Hi- OWW, you could be me 2 years ago!
I split up with exP after long relationship because of severe MH issues on his part, abuse and violence. 3 children- now 17/14/4.
No real friends (ex saw to that), family live abroad, my mother (who would have moved heaven and earth for me) died 10 yrs ago. Full time job.
On top of that, ex also left me with HIS business debt- business was not limited, went bust + now it seems I'm liable, since he does not work.
And no chance of him ever working again, and no help with child care (not that I would leave him alone with youngest DC)- mind you, olderst DD is a gem.
The first year we literally lurched from one crisis to the next. But, very gradually, amost unnoticably in the beginning, it got better. And easier.
OK, I will still be paying his debt for another 7 years, but the children grow up, become more independent, help more, you settle into a routine, you manage to arrange things so everything functions. And I now have a lovely new DP, which helps. I am 46, btw.
Next, my youngest will be starting school- which financially will make SUCH a difference (childcare cost is eating me!)
Life is looking up!
it will get better, and it can be done, even if it is hard work.
Do go for counselling, it helps. For DCs, do you have Fegan's in the area? They do child counselling for cases like this, worth a try.

Hi Anushka and thank you for your reply. My ex has MH issues too involving suicide attempt in our kitchen, police and hospital involvement, frequent depression etc. I can really feel for you and sorry you are still suffering with the debt but it does really sound like you are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I have to hold onto that but it can be hard sometimes when you are going through the worst bits. I keep saying to myself "This time next year . . ." but it all seems so far away!

What's happened with regard to your ex having access to the children, given the history, if you don't mind me asking.

I have just got an e-mail from ex saying that I have until the end of the month to give him access to the children or he will take me to court. Great. It does seem like just one crisis after another at the moment but I am trying to take it one step at a time.

I hadn't heard of Fegans but will look into that, thanks very much for the help.

Have you got a solicitor who can advise you? Court is expensive but you actually do need something down that is official and clear cut...especially with his history

Hi Coconuts - I've been to see a solicitor for my free half hour, so I phoned them this afternoon and they basically said sit tight until he actually does make a move via a solicitor.

We have had a barrage of calls from him this evening wanting to speak to the children, leaving messages on the answerphone to them asking to see them. Then later on dd phoned his mum about something, and in the middle of the conversation she just handed the phone over to ex, so dd was confronted with him on the phone all unexpected. What a dirty trick! Dd just put the phone down, then he has been ringing back a couple of times but we have just ignored him. It is getting close to harrassment.

In a way court would be good as (hopefully) it would make it "official" that the children don't have to see him and we can all breathe a sigh of relief. (Could be a different outcome though I suppose which gives me sleepless nights, but I think they are taking safeguarding issues pretty seriously or at least I hope so). It would be a bit of an ordeal to put the children through as CAFCASS etc will be involved but I suppose it is worth it in the end. I have a little pot of money tucked away for my court costs if it all comes to that. I am actually scared stiff of having to go to court and face him. It literally makes me feel ill (shaking, sick feeling) to have to see him whatever the circumstances and I think the children feel the same.