Mine didn't come home either

[daisystone]

Further to the post entitled "he's not home", I have been sitting here thinking about my own situation and I honestly don't know what to do anymore. Advice from strangers seems to be my only option right now.
It has always been up and down with DH and I but we stay together because ultimately we love each other.
I had a baby a few months ago and it was stressful even before she arrived as our house was being converted by DH and everything was last minute and I had to go and stay with family. I was upset by the whole thing and felt unsettled and it was far from an ideal way to finish my pregnancy. House still isn't finished now actually....
DH always made out that i was putting pressure on him to get things done when he had a company to run and was under time constraints and was forking out a lot of money to get it done and take time off from work. I felt as though I had to apologise to him as if I was putting him out.
The birth was traumatic and afterwards the baby went back in to hospital for a couple of days while i was still very emotional and sore. He was good with the baby but once we were home again he was very thoughtless at times. Yes I was very tearful and emotional and probably irrational but I cannot get over him calling me pathetic while I was crying and holding my tiny baby while arguing about God knows what.
Anyway we have had some massive arguements over the last few weeks and he has been working away on occasion. We had a large arguement before one of the times he was due to go away and he left without saying goodbye to me or to our baby as far as i know and he didn't call or text me for 4 days. He didn't check up to see if things were OK and if I was coping or anything at all.
He does work long hours and I am used to him coming in late or even pulling all nighters but this mattered less to me when I didn't have a baby. I could cope on my own and am self-sufficient. With a baby I feel he should check in more.
Anyway he said he was taking today (Sunday) off work and yesterday I was quite excited as I thought we could go out in the sunshine as a family which we never get to do as he works practically every weekend. So yesterday I had cooked supper and got the baby down and called him at 7pm to check where he was as he had been home before 7pm each night this week which is great and really early for him. He said he wouldn't be leaving site for half an hour and then had to drive home. I said I would try to stagger supper so it was ready when he got back but told him I was pissed off that he hadn't called to let me know and he said sorry. Thought he would be back around 8.30pm but nothing. Waited and waited and eventually had my supper as I couldn't wait anymore and I need to get to bed early as am up with baby in the night. I left his supper out for him.
He didn't call to say where he was and I didn't call him as I felt i should not be the one having to chase him up. He still wasn't in when I got up at midnight to feed babe. Still wasn't in when I got up at 2am and then 3.30am to shush babe back to sleep. I finally heard him come in but don't know what time it was and he slept on the sofa downstairs so as not to wake me and have a confrontation. I had kept checking my mobile all night to see if there were any texts from him. Was half worried and half upset that he hadn't contacted me. He seems to think it is fine to not communicate and leave me wondering.
This morning after feeding baby at about 6am I pulled the duvet off him and asked if he was going to explain to me where he had been until after 3.30am. He just muttered that he wasn't or something like that. I demanded an explanation and he gave me some story about falling asleep at the little chef. What??! Why would he even be there when he was driving straight home from the site he was on to have supper at home? I said I didn't believe him and he just pulled the duvet back over his head.
I am afraid that I then picked up the tv remote and smacked him with it several times and then I pushed his beloved laptop to the floor. Childish I know but I was at a loss and he refused to acknowledge me or that anything wrong. He went out about an hour later not talking to me or baby and I have heard nothing since. I left a message on his voicemail asking if he thought he should apologise and saying I thought we had real problems but have heard nothing back.

I feel so upset and abandoned. He does what he wants and then says not to have a go as he is working so hard. He always knows where I am but I cannot say the same of him. This will get turned around to be an issue about me hitting him with the remote control rather than the real issue of him not doing what he says he will or being where he says he will and not feeling the need to keep me informed. I feel he does not respect me and thinks my time is invaluable. I just don't know what to do as this has happened before and I keep saying to myself, how many times will I allow this to happen?

This is such a long post and of course I have ommitted so much as you can't write your whole relationship history down, but I just wanted some objective advice/support. If anyone can even get to the end of it without tuning out. I feel like I am at the end of the road and not sure what I can do or what my options are anymore.

I really think you need to sit down and have an honest talk. I know it's hard with a small baby but it's not like you have to wait until she's asleep or anything! I don't think it was ok to hit him with the remote control or break his laptop but I totally understand why it happened, you must have felt so frustrated.

You are going to have to apologise for that but he needs to do some explaining/apologising too.

sounds like he is overwhelmed and looking for an escape, whether that is going out after work, or something worse i couldnt possibly tell

but my sis had the exact same issues at op - sounds like this bloke isnt ready for the responsibility of fatherhood, and is reverting back to living the life of a single man, staying out, not telling anyone where he is, not explaining his behaviour.

hate to say this - but my sisters bloke did end up having an affair,
i think it sounds like a way out of a situation he couldnt cope with.

you need to sit down and talk calmly about what you both want, it sounds like that discussion is being very well avoided.

i would suggest relate if he would go. it will help sort out what you both want from your marriage.
ive used relate - it really helped. they arent just there to keep you together - they are a way of expressing your feelings with a third party there to negotiate.

Am just trying to apply the same standards to men and women actually, rather than differentiate. I don't think men necessarily do bury their heads: and I think the same behaviour in a woman could indicate depression

Gooseberry - I don't think that quote was from you.

But as for applying the same standards to a woman - well let's do it. The man is at home with the baby, the woman at work. He is overwhelmed and stressed, she's working longer hours than ever. When he complains and says he can't cope, she sneers at him, whilst he's got the baby in his arms and tells him 'he's pathetic'. She goes away on a business trip for four days leaving him with a new baby, she doesn't bother to call to see how her daughter is or how her husband is getting on.

She works later and later, and then when her husband is really looking forward to her coming home and has cooked her a special dinner, she says she'll be back soon and then goes out somewhere until after 3.00 in the morning, even though she knows her husband is waiting for her.

She sleeps on the sofa and gives no reason for her disappearance.

It's absolutely tragic. No love, no care, no respect.

OP, unless you decide you deserve better, this will only get worse.

Maybe that didn't come across as I meant it: you can't change anybody to do the things you want them to do, but you can change your attitude towards it. I was suggesting that the OP became more independent and needed her husband less for her happiness.
Of course it is not ideal, a marriage should be a partnership of two equal partners, supporting one another, especially when there is a young baby but this is not the sort of marriage the OP has. What I suggested was that she might be happier if she were less dependent, expected less.
The OP happiness is the issue here.

This sounds shockingly like my DD's dad up until she was 2mo. He went out & didn't come home, said he was "busy" at 2am, left me crying, made me feel rubbish & completely undervalued me.

Like you it was like this before DD but for some ridiculous reason I thought he'd change (oh he also told me he hated his paternity leave with us and didn't see the point).

To cut a long story short I left. My DD is nearly 7mo. Best thing I've ever done. I'm pretty poor but am coping. I'd rather be poor & on my own not worrying about when he's coming home and if he cares about us at all.

I'm not saying you should do this OP but I you feel that this isn't right and after numerous chances that he wont change then don't stay with him just for the money. It can be done. I wish you all the best, don't take any crap, you don't deserve it. And please stop making excuses for him. Trust me it's not your fault x

I would say she was extremely depressed actually.

Seems like communicaion within the relationship is very poor and potentially this wasn't an issue before but now there is a baby the OPs expectations have changed (totally understandably) but the H hasn't adjusted his approach.

I think he leaves/goes silent to avoid an argument, again not helpful but probadly behaviour that was always there but since the birth there will be more of a spotlight on it.

I suspect the H is feeling very stressed (long hours over a sustained period can lead to depression) and maybe he uses alcohol as his release, obviously that isn't helpful so the cycle continues.

Communciation is the key - when your H was away for 4 days did you contact him to make sure he was OK? Just feel as if this is circular, each hurting each other because of the previous event. Your H has a right to feel agrieved as he was assaulted so I think you need to apologise - venting physically is never acceptable even from a woman. Try to get communication going - go to relate if needed.
Sadly if communication isn't improved I suspect this relationship will end.

I cannot fathom why you did not call him?? For 4 days? Ok...he never called...if that as me I would be on the phone asking why?

Are you embarrased about talking things over with him?

There's no doubt he's being very immature and not being responsible to you and your baby, but it sounds like you're always very pissed off with him and let him know that. Re the dinner thing, you expected him to be back and were disappointed when he wasn't and basically rang him to say he'd messed up again- not a good start to the family weekend. I think he's staying away because you keep having a go at him and smacked him round the head and he doesn't want to have to deal with it. He's not the person you want him to be- you can accept that and be less reliant on him and try and be pleased to see him when you do or find someone different who does fit the bill.

OK. Mumsnet has a variety of views and I suppose that's good, but I have to say, a lot of the comments on here make me feel like I've been thrown back to some 1950s Stepford wife universe.

Poor DH has depression, and the Mum with the new baby and no support should stop nagging and just make herself a bit nicer, or call him more often if she wants to know where he is. Meanwhile he can continue to wipe his feet on her, on the rare occasions he comes home.

OP, the only thing I agree with is that you should apologise for hitting him. I would not be surprised if he now uses this as an excuse to not discuss what happened and paint you out to be a psycho.

Stand tall and apologise. Hitting him was unacceptable - admitting that will show that you are not a psycho and want to be reasonable.

I am afraid you are going to have to be strong. If he's not willing to talk and explain himself or give you any support, (and it doesn't look like he is) then you need to set firm boundaries. State what you will accept in terms of behaviour from him (coming home at a reasonable hour, not lying to you) and what the consequences will be if he doesn't. You will have to follow through with the consequences though. If you don't, he will continue to treat you this way.

I have to honestly say I don't have a good feeling about this. I know that's not what you want to hear with a new baby, but I think the way a man treats his wife when she is pregnant or has a newborn is fairly indicative of the type of man he is. People often say 'workaholic' in a way that is almost affectionate - but all the workaholics I've known have been every way as screwed up as alcoholics. Their priorities are themselves and their status. Partners, families and friends are a long way down the list. The only reason they are better than alcoholics is that they tend not to have drunk all the money, but they cause heartbreak and devastation nonetheless.

What jumps out from your post to me is that you never refer to the baby as "our baby", usually it's "the", sometimes "my", once "his".

It's like you two are two separate people, not a team at all. Do you think he wants to be part of a team with you? You say he never has been really up until now.

I assure you I do not live in the 1950s. Shame you feel the need to be insulting to make your point.

As I say -- were it a woman, this would be instantly recognisable as symptomatic of depression.

As I say -- I am not the one applying double standards.

I'm just looking at the situation without the expectations and the blame- op has a baby and is anxious and stressed for obvious reasons; the dh doesnt cope well with the change and takes a step away; op gets more confused and angry towards dh so he goes further; op gets more angry about lots of things and he goes more; op attacks him so he runs for the hills.

I'm not saying she should put up with a load of shit from him, but that he's running away from his situation and he's only going to do that more if she keeps having a go.

It's very hard to win an argument and come out smiling iyswim, there's no point proving he's being a tit, he is, it's obvious but it sounds like he hasn't got it in him to do what he needs to do, he needs to see that actually being with you both can be a nice experience and one to be repeated. Of course it's the last thing you feel like doing but it's also damaging for you to be carrying around so much anger.