Mine didn't come home either

[daisystone]

Further to the post entitled "he's not home", I have been sitting here thinking about my own situation and I honestly don't know what to do anymore. Advice from strangers seems to be my only option right now.
It has always been up and down with DH and I but we stay together because ultimately we love each other.
I had a baby a few months ago and it was stressful even before she arrived as our house was being converted by DH and everything was last minute and I had to go and stay with family. I was upset by the whole thing and felt unsettled and it was far from an ideal way to finish my pregnancy. House still isn't finished now actually....
DH always made out that i was putting pressure on him to get things done when he had a company to run and was under time constraints and was forking out a lot of money to get it done and take time off from work. I felt as though I had to apologise to him as if I was putting him out.
The birth was traumatic and afterwards the baby went back in to hospital for a couple of days while i was still very emotional and sore. He was good with the baby but once we were home again he was very thoughtless at times. Yes I was very tearful and emotional and probably irrational but I cannot get over him calling me pathetic while I was crying and holding my tiny baby while arguing about God knows what.
Anyway we have had some massive arguements over the last few weeks and he has been working away on occasion. We had a large arguement before one of the times he was due to go away and he left without saying goodbye to me or to our baby as far as i know and he didn't call or text me for 4 days. He didn't check up to see if things were OK and if I was coping or anything at all.
He does work long hours and I am used to him coming in late or even pulling all nighters but this mattered less to me when I didn't have a baby. I could cope on my own and am self-sufficient. With a baby I feel he should check in more.
Anyway he said he was taking today (Sunday) off work and yesterday I was quite excited as I thought we could go out in the sunshine as a family which we never get to do as he works practically every weekend. So yesterday I had cooked supper and got the baby down and called him at 7pm to check where he was as he had been home before 7pm each night this week which is great and really early for him. He said he wouldn't be leaving site for half an hour and then had to drive home. I said I would try to stagger supper so it was ready when he got back but told him I was pissed off that he hadn't called to let me know and he said sorry. Thought he would be back around 8.30pm but nothing. Waited and waited and eventually had my supper as I couldn't wait anymore and I need to get to bed early as am up with baby in the night. I left his supper out for him.
He didn't call to say where he was and I didn't call him as I felt i should not be the one having to chase him up. He still wasn't in when I got up at midnight to feed babe. Still wasn't in when I got up at 2am and then 3.30am to shush babe back to sleep. I finally heard him come in but don't know what time it was and he slept on the sofa downstairs so as not to wake me and have a confrontation. I had kept checking my mobile all night to see if there were any texts from him. Was half worried and half upset that he hadn't contacted me. He seems to think it is fine to not communicate and leave me wondering.
This morning after feeding baby at about 6am I pulled the duvet off him and asked if he was going to explain to me where he had been until after 3.30am. He just muttered that he wasn't or something like that. I demanded an explanation and he gave me some story about falling asleep at the little chef. What??! Why would he even be there when he was driving straight home from the site he was on to have supper at home? I said I didn't believe him and he just pulled the duvet back over his head.
I am afraid that I then picked up the tv remote and smacked him with it several times and then I pushed his beloved laptop to the floor. Childish I know but I was at a loss and he refused to acknowledge me or that anything wrong. He went out about an hour later not talking to me or baby and I have heard nothing since. I left a message on his voicemail asking if he thought he should apologise and saying I thought we had real problems but have heard nothing back.

I feel so upset and abandoned. He does what he wants and then says not to have a go as he is working so hard. He always knows where I am but I cannot say the same of him. This will get turned around to be an issue about me hitting him with the remote control rather than the real issue of him not doing what he says he will or being where he says he will and not feeling the need to keep me informed. I feel he does not respect me and thinks my time is invaluable. I just don't know what to do as this has happened before and I keep saying to myself, how many times will I allow this to happen?

This is such a long post and of course I have ommitted so much as you can't write your whole relationship history down, but I just wanted some objective advice/support. If anyone can even get to the end of it without tuning out. I feel like I am at the end of the road and not sure what I can do or what my options are anymore.

It isn't a one off Gooseberrybushes. He went away for four days and didn't contact us for the whole of that time. He doesn't seem to understand the need for communication however much I stress it. Last night he was more than late home. He didn't come home at all.

Ok, not enough info to diagnose affair, but his behaviour is inexcusable regardless.

Gooseberry, it doesn't matter if poor diddums is feeling the pressure, he's a father now so he needs to sort himself out and make sure he bloody well gets home on time.

He's acting like a selfish arsehole.

And I am the cause of the depression? More guilt and blame on me...

I cannot believe he went away for 4 days and didn't contact his wife to ask after his newborn child AT ALL.

This man is a prick OP.

Sorry I don't like that attitude -- women are under pressure, men are poor diddums. Double standards.

Daisy, sorry there are some points of view you don't wish to hear. Hope things work out. Bye.

Daisy, nothing about this is your fault. Please don't think it is.

Gooseberry, your comments are not helpful. If OP's DH is depressed, he needs to seek the correct treatment for it - like any adult who's in need of medical attention should. The way to deal with depression (if indeed he is depressed - you no more know whether he's depressed than I know whether he's having an affair) isn't to fuck off for 4 days and not contact your wife and newborn.

No I want to hear all points of view! that is the point of being on here. i am trying to work it out and see what I may or may not have done to deserve this.

daisy - you've said that he has always been like this, and that you have tried everything to make it otherwise. So is it safe to assume that, in actuality, you are not going to be able to change him?

If that's the case, then it makes things simple, if not easy: you either accept him for who he is, or you choose not to accept it and decide what to do from there.

This doesn't excuse him of anything, and fwiw I would not be able to live with it. But when you decide that you cannot change someone, no matter how reasonable your expectations seem, it does make things strikingly clear.

No one deserves to be treated like shit by their partner.

As I've already said: whatever the reasons behind his behaviour - depression, affair, closet homosexuality, whatever - it's no excuse for him to treat you like that.

sometimes i think i am being unreasonable and that he works hard and that i should make allowances. Other times I think No! He should act better and be more responsible and thoughtful.

Of course going away for four days isn't the way to deal with it it's a sign of it, a symptom. If a woman did it I would think exactly the same thing it's the first thing I would think of.

Of course I don't know. I didn't say "he's depressed because of you" I said "it sounds like he might be depressed". Unlike other posters who are quite happy to say, he's having an affair and it's time to give up.

Sheesh.

It seems to me that you could help yourself a lot by not being quite so dependent on him. By all means enquire whether he needs a meal when he comes home, if you do not have that information, don't cook for him.
From what you have said, there have been 'massive arguments' between you, well, it takes two to argue. If you stop arguing, maybe he will feel a lot happier coming home.
Ask him for specific things, for instance:"Would it be possible please to have the kitchen units in place next weekend?" or "I would really like to be able to use the downstairs toilet", or whatever do-it-yourself is required. Just state what you would like him to do. And accept that it may not be possible for him to do it, if he is working all hours to run his own company. I take it he supports you and the baby financially?
If he wants to stay out till all hours, well, amuse yourself. Have some friends round, take the baby round to a friend's house and be independent.
It may not have been all you expected from your marriage, but surely it is better than the endless arguments?

My DH is a workaholic and when we had DD1 I did have to spell out my expectation about how he should behave. He really had no clue as his dad also worked for hours on end. Dh just thought it was normal behaviour to work 14 hour days. However he would never have gone away for 4 days and not contacted me.

I actually don't think your DH is having an affair, if he was he would probably ring you so you didn't have suspicions.

You need to sit down when you are both not angry and talk. You might need to go to relate if you can't sort it out yourselves.

I'm not sure it's particularly helpful to dwell on whether you deserve to be treated badly or not. In fact I think you should stop thinking that way. No one deserves to be treated badly, that's a very poor excuse for anyone's bad behaviour. You didn't deserve a night of worry and your dh didn't deserve to be hit with the remote control but there are almost certainly reasons for both (yours being more obvious to me, as it's not too surprising that you are at the end of your tether)

There may be reasons why your dh is acting in the way he is. There may be reasons why your marriage is struggling, but don't start to look for blame because it won't help. You need to focus on resolution, either together or apart. Understanding what's gone wrong and why is really important in getting there though.

I'm not jumping in on the 'he's having an affair' because I think it's a bit knee jerk (and my dh has had one so I'm not being naive) and in any case long hours and drinking aren't particularly unusual, nor is avoiding babies (even your own). I am teetering towards the get some relationship counseling viewpoint, but I'm not sure that your dh would be up for that if he isn't much of a talker, but a trusted third party might be what you need to help with the communication.

i agree with Dutch.....it sounds like alot going on

did you find out where he went for 4 days?

Dutch are you serious? "If he wants to stay out till all hours, well amuse yourself"

He went off for 4 days without contacting her, and last night he told her he was on his way home at 8.30 but didn't get in until after 3 a.m. Totally unacceptable behaviour.

TBH, you BOTH sound somewhat overwhelmed.

Let's give everyone the maximum allowance of Benefit of the Doubt here and break it down.

So there was a lot of work on at your home, major works that meant you had to move out. Then the birth, then the complications, and all the while he has his own projects. You say you were teary too, and emotional, which of course is to be expected, especially if the baby has to go back to the hospital.

TBH it does sound as if he's struggling to handle it all. I don't particularly agree that he's having an affair, I do get the sense though that he is running away from it all.

OP, you say you are self sufficient and independent and were used to his 'fluid' work routine, but that you feel that he ought to check in more. You also say you used to work, but are SAHM now.

FWIW, this H of yours is going about this all the wrong ways, and actually CAUSING you to panic when it'd be so much easier to say, Love, got a mad job on, dunno when I'll be back. Or Got a 4-day trip, won't be able to talk to you while I'm away, but text me if you have any problems.

Blokes seldom do the logical, opting for the bury our heads in the sand choice, which will always send us over the edge. Now that your life has changed beyond measure, you are doubtless nervous and feeling a little out of your comfort zone, but don't have the option of going M.I.A. He doens't have that right either and he is being wholly unreasonable.

I think the best way, initially, to attack this is to sit him down and gently point out that you are freaked out too, that you are scared, not sure of what's what with the world, but that having him near, or chatting things through with him really help you to make sense of things. Ask him if there's anything he'd like to talk to you about.

You know you have a right to have him more involved in your life, your parenting and your family, but there are ways of negotiating it. This guy's not equipped to handle it at the moment. AW Diddums is absolutely right, but saying it won't actually help the situation. Yet.

Change your tack with him, back off, be supportive, but clearly communicate that you would like to know where he is, and how he is, and a rough idea of when and if he'll come back. Be consistent, but remember you are not his keeper. You are not his mother. He is big enough and old enough to communicate details with you and be where he said he will be when he promised, or to tell you I'm running late.

I always knew where he was for the four days (as in original post - just a long post so some people probably skimmed it). He was away for work. He just didn't call or contact us. I waited thinking he would and nope nothing. Was amazed he didn't want to ask after his baby. I could have fallen down the stairs or anything and baby could have been on her own - a bit dramatic but you get what I mean. He basically didn't check to see if all was OK.

QuickLook has a really good point. Is the long hours and being away from home something he thinks of as normal - not just from family but friends too? My dh's family are painters and decorators and working for as long as there is a job to do seems quite ingrained (and is possibly essential and unavoidable to keep afloat).

I don't get any indicators of depression from your posts about your dh's behaviour, but I do wonder if he might have money worries. How much do you talk about his business? Is it possible that the change in your circumstances (you not working and the baby coming along) are worrying him?

HerHissyNess - exactly - I don't have the option of going missing in action. I have to be here. I have to be her for the BABY. He can still do what he wants and be his own man.

Did you talk about how you'd keep in contact when he was away though Daisy? Is it possible that he thought you'd be the one ringing him? If you are usually the one who initiates conversations etc then he might have felt that if there was a problem you'd let him know. Not saying he was right not to contact you, or that it is unreasonable for you to feel hurt by his lack of effort, but couples can get into habits that are hard to break and it doesn't sound like your dh is very communicative in general.

Money is tight but we have discussed this. I have said I understand long hours but not lack of communication and going off without telling me or not coming home etc etc

"Is it possible that he thought you'd be the one ringing him? If you are usually the one who initiates conversations etc then he might have felt that if there was a problem you'd let him know."

Sorry, but this man is a parent. Not calling because he thought OP was supposed to be calling him is a pathetic excuse for being incommunicado.

"If he wants to stay out till all hours, well amuse yourself" - Wow. Really? Dutch, this is supposed to be a marriage, not a house share. When baby is so tiny, he really ought to be on the radar a lot more than he is.

Its hard to know what he's up to and I agree that we can't just say he is having an affair as there could be other reasons for his behaviour.

On the other hand, I can see why some people think he has someone else as the way he is acting does seem to point to it, the disappearing acts, late night working etc.
Maybe it's worth looking for other possible signs he's cheating, just to be sure.

Sexist cliche alert
Blokes seldom do the logical, opting for the bury our heads in the sand choice.
Gosh, really? I couldn't say if that was true as all I do is think chocolate and shoes.

OP, your husband's behaviour is totally uncaring. Calling you 'pathetic' when you're struggling with a new baby??? Really?? Not checking in for four days, staying out till after 3.00 in the morning when he says he's coming home and knows you've cooked him dinner? He doesn't think much of you, does he?

Do you think this is acceptable? Do you think this is how a husband and father should behave? I am afraid that 'talking it through' will do you no good at all, because he has so little respect for you and so little care for your baby. Somebody else pointed out that he is acting as the child and you as the parent. It won't work. You will become increasingly resentful and angry and he will act like an injured child. He may be having an affair maybe not, that's really incidental. There are plenty of ways of treating your partner like dirt and cheating on them is only one of them.

Sadly, I think you need to reassess if this man is the sort of man you can stay with. I think he needs to come up with some answers and you need to decide what your bottom line is.