I have made a major cock up in my life and am at a profound loss of what to do and how to sort it. I have been with dh for 16 years, we have a son aged 10 and daughter aged 13. We met when I was 20 (he is a couple of years older). Until recently, I imagine that people looking in thought we had it all. We both have decent jobs that we work hard at. I have a fantastic family and circle of friends. We have a nice house and are lucky to have enough money to pursue some hobbies. Our relationship on the whole, has been built on a foundation of friendship. We are very different people in some respects, such as in our political views and outlook on the world; at times this has caused arguments ? but in other ways it has worked, as dh is very calm and laid back which almost compliments my madness! Dh has always been very much devoted to me (sounds sad I know) and very demonstrative in his feelings and very sure of his feelings for the whole time we?ve been together. I am naturally, a closed person, who finds it hard to trust and who grew to love dh over time.
About three years ago, things started going awry. I know with hindsight, it is easy to look back and hear the alarm bells, whereas at the time, you do not realise the significance of them. We ended up moving (not that far from where we originally were) for dh?s job. We had massive disagreements over the type of house we wanted and it was very stressful because we needed to move quickly. I have suffered two major bereavements ? a good friend and a parent, who both died prematurely. My job, although I enjoy it immensely, has become more stressful, higher workload etc. A step parent has been ill emotionally and needed lots of support. I suffered some depression after the bereavements, which I think might be lingering. For about 18 months life has been an uphill struggle emotionally for months. Okay, we?re okay financially, but that?s not everything is it? Looking back, I can see that dh and I were growing apart. I know that?s such a cliché but its true. I feel that dh was trying to support me emotionally, but for whatever reason, I was still struggling. I began questioning our relationship and realised I was changing very much as a person.
I know what you are all going to say, but onto the scene steps an old friend. Someone I had known years ago from college. We had clicked years ago, and he had recently separated from his partner. We chatted, exchanged numbers (at the time, I had no romantic feelings). I?m not going to go into the sordid details of everything else, but over a period of a couple of months, things went further. I stopped it, he got a job overseas for a few months. Dh suspected things. Gradually, I have told dh what happened. He has reacted reasonably well, although is obviously gutted. The other man returned last November. We don?t have contact, although I see him occasionally out and about. Dh feels that he cannot trust me, but wants it to work. I want to want it to work if that makes sense. But a part of me, feels that I do not want it enough. I don?t envisage myself with the other person. I don?t see the world through rose tinted glasses, and think that so much hurt is already behind us, that it would be unlikely to work. The grass isn?t greener and all that.
I feel awful about everything, but cannot get this love back for dh. I love him as a friend, and as my son?s fantastic father. I want to love him like before. I feel that I?m in such a state ? I don?t even know who I am anymore ? that I?m not in a position to sort this. And that?s crazy, considering I caused it all. My gut feeling is to be on my own, but we obviously have our children to consider. I have offered to move out and think I would if it weren?t for the children. And this would just be like running away wouldn?t it. I hate the fact that I got on so well with the other person. I hate the fact that I?ve been weak and that I can?t feel what I should for dh. I have thought and thought about what happened before I became attracted to the other man, and know that dh and I were having problems. But why couldn?t I speak to dh instead of doing what I did? I have had counselling for a while. The counsellor so far, has said that the crux of it now, is to do what I feel I need to do (!) , to not feel that I should stay with dh if I really don?t want to. But we were such good friends. I know in some ways, that the decision might already be made. I don?t think dh will ever trust me and it doesn?t help that he obviously knows the other man, and could bump into him.
I know I have made this mess and hate myself for it. How on earth do I sort it all out?