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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why the hell would someone do this?

20 replies

flippinada · 09/04/2011 21:08

Stay in an abusive relationship.

:(

I know there are many reasons why, and that it's complicated.

I have been in one in the past so I can talk, eh?

I'm venting here because I', angry and frustrated and sad because my friend is in one and just doesn't seem to see what everyone else can. And because she's determined to pursue the relationship despite the fact SS have been involved due to domestic incident where the police were called (she has DC).

Tried talking to her about it all today and I just feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall.

I can't actually do anything, can I? It's her choice.

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 09/04/2011 21:14

She hasn't got the strength/confidence to see what she is in at the moment. He's worn her down so much, she doesn't think she's worth more, she is addicted to HIM.

I'll bet it's pretty much destroying you to see her in this state. Perhaps people were feeling the same when YOU were in a relationship too.

BECAUSE you were in a relationship like that, it hurts you so much more.

Keep talking to her, tell her that you are there for her anytime day or night. Can you ask her to get an emergency pack to keep at yours?

All you can do is hope she sees things clearly some time soon.

Ultimately it was your choice, it is her choice now.

Original poster
flippinada · 09/04/2011 21:26

Thank you HerHissyness, I know you're right, about all of it. And yes, I've been there so I do know how hard it is to get away.

Boy are you right about how they wear you down.

Of course I will do what I can to help, I just feel a bit drained by it all, selfish as that sounds.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 09/04/2011 21:36

have been there too,she will get her moment

Original poster
flippinada · 09/04/2011 21:59

TY.

I know all this, you're both right.

It's just this arsehole has got some sort of hold on her. You know he won't meet any of her friends because a)women gossip about nonsense and b)they are all trying to turn her against him.

Just...just AAAARGHHH!

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 09/04/2011 22:00

Honey, we all of us would feel exactly as you do. I don't envy you at all.

My friend's H has just 'turned', I love her to bits, she was always there for me and the pain at hearing her complain about his threats and rants is excruciating.

HerHissyness · 09/04/2011 22:01

My H wouldn't support any of my friendships either, it's an attempt to get her to give it up. Isolation is the first weapon. The poor woman.

HerHissyness · 09/04/2011 22:02

Oh, and if you really WERE selfish, you'd not bother posting about her, you'd not care. It's clear you care very deeply, and that speaks volumes about you.

HerBeX · 09/04/2011 22:03

oh god have we all got one of these friends? Sad

It is exhausting isn't it?

All you can do is what you're doing already - letting her know that you'll be there for her when she is ready.

HerBeX · 09/04/2011 22:03

Sorry that sounded a bit wrong. And be there for her now of course. Which it sounds like you are.

Original poster
flippinada · 09/04/2011 22:25

Seriously, thank you all for not telling me I'm a selfish cowbag!

He is trying to isolate her, it's so bloody OBVIOUS (mine did this too, it's like a script they all follow isn't it) but no, she is determined that they can sort out the problems and he's really trying (too right he's bloody trying!!).

It is exhausting HerBeX and you don't sound wrong, I know what you meant.

I just wish to god she'd see that she is so much better than this horrible, awful man. She's young and lovely and clever.

It's heartbreaking, it really is.

Having been there makes it so much harder because I 'know' (if that makes sense).

Gah, I am going on, just need to vent.

OP posts:
garlicbutter · 10/04/2011 01:24

Mine's DP is taking her to live abroad. She hasn't complained of him, except in small things ... but these are small things that mean a lot, like ridiculing her feelings over significant life events. I'm excited for her move - she's a born traveller. But he isn't, yet he instigated this move. And he works in porn, which she reckons doesn't matter but I'm adding things up (bitter experience - bitter doesn't mean wrong!)

I'm keeping on his right side so I can go and visit them :(

It's a bastard, isn't it? Like everyone else on your thread, I felt hideously disconnected when my friends started to fall away. And I will not be one of those friends to my friend.

lazarusb · 10/04/2011 13:13

One day your friend will be very glad that you were there for the long haul. So will you. Can you keep a diary of incidents you are aware of that would back up her case when it hits the fan? She doesn't need to know about it but will be invaluable when she decides to make the break (and I'm sure she will).

garlicbutter · 10/04/2011 13:43

That's a great idea, lazarus.

skil · 10/04/2011 14:07

"I just wish to god she'd see that she is so much better than this horrible, awful man. She's young and lovely and clever."

Doesn't sound too clever, tbh.

flyinstar · 10/04/2011 14:15

it takes alot of courage to leave,it took me 2.5 years to leave a man that was beating me on a regular basis,the times i did leave,he would track me down,and talk me round,but one day enough was enough...
she will realise it in her own time,please be there for her,she will need a friend like you to help her get her life back on track.

HerHissyness · 10/04/2011 14:18

Hmm still working on that empathy thingy then skil?

HerBeX · 10/04/2011 14:27

You don't sound like you know anything about the dynamics of domestic violence skil, so why are you commenting?

It's like me going on to a thread about astro-physics and trying to contribute. Pointless, because I know nothing about astro physics. So why do people who know sweet FA about DV, feel the need to show the world that they know nothing about it?

Original poster
flippinada · 11/04/2011 15:22

Bumping up because I've remembered a detail from the conversation that we had when I saw my friend that has disturbed me a bit.

She mentioned that she had been seeing a counsellor about her issues with men (XH was also abusive) and that she fell out with the counsellor because they said something about her XH and current P - so she has stopped seeing them. This has been niggling at me more and more.

Also she has fallen out with a lot of her other friends over this as they think she is mad to keep seeing him (they have had direct experience of the domestic stuff, as have I and tbh I am not surprised this has happened :( ).

Thinking back about this, every time I have spoken to her she mentions having had a 'fall out' with someone.

I suspect you know who is encouraging/abetting all of this.

OP posts:
da55 · 11/04/2011 22:06

is not that easy to just let go,give her time she will definatly do it one day.

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