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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Domestic disharmony

33 replies

undercovertoday · 09/04/2011 20:38

Regular but N/c for this. I am at the end of my rope with my domestic situation. I work F/T and often put in extra hours at home. My DP helps out with DC, but does very little round the house. I've found over the past few months that I am running round like a loon to keep up with everything. I do all the cleaning, DIY, gardening, wash the cars and so on. The bottom line is, if I don't do it, it doesn't happen. Like most mums I do all the extras like keeping school stuff sorted/appointments/paperwork.

I feel really resentful of my DP as he goes off to work, has a full hour for lunch and goes off for a coffee or to the gym (I work through) and comes home in the evening and flops on the couch. In the meantime, I am working frequently till 11pm to keep on top of things and I just can't manage. Today I have worked all day and I have just come out and found the washing still on the line (so it's damp and I now need to stop what I'm doing to hang it up), and the house like a tip. I spent 4 hours cleaning last night and it has been the final straw as I feel he has no respect for me or how hard I am working. I have tried everything to make him understand how I feel - begging, shouting, ignoring, pleading. Even a serious illness that left me hospitalised hasn't made him pitch in to do more and I fear that if this continues I'll be ill again.

I am seriously considering hiring a cleaner and a gardener at his expense, even though we'd struggle to afford it as I can't think of any other solution. The thing is I resent paying for them when he is just too damn lazy to help and I think this will give him carte blanche to do even less than he does already.

We get on well and I do love him, but I feel that this is driving a wedge between us. I have been in tears today as i am truly struggling to finish my work and keep up with everything else while he just bumbles about.

I'm not sure why I'm posting this really. I can't talk to anyone in RL about this, and I just wanted a bit of a moan really. Blush If anyone has been in the same situation and have they feel like sharing, please do.

OP posts:
merrywidow · 09/04/2011 20:50

Maybe put this in relationship section?

Original poster
undercovertoday · 09/04/2011 21:01

I put it here so it goes in few months!

OP posts:
Carrotsandcelery · 09/04/2011 21:09

There are a few possible options here:
a) Have you calmly told him how you feel? Have you asked for help?
b) Does all the stuff you are doing have to be done? I only ask because my dh pointed out that not all the stuff I was stewing about had to be done there and then - I may have wanted it done there and then but that was a different issue.
c) If he does do the jobs are you happy with the result - I only ask this as so many of my friends' dh/dp have given up as it has to be done in such a particular way.

If none of these questions are relevant then I think you are justified in employing a cleaner and gardener - even if only as a shock tactic. You could investigate prices and show your dh what impact it would have on the weekly finances/ what sacrifices you would expect him to make to pay for it. Don't back him into a corner though, make a list of the household chores and offer him the alternative of choosing half of the items on the list to be his responsibility.

My dh happily does jobs around the house but he hates to be told what to do. If I write a list of everything that needs done and he chooses which bits he does then he will do them. It is not ideal as I get all the horrid jobs but at least I don't have them all.

Original poster
undercovertoday · 09/04/2011 21:46

carrots, thanks for your reply.

a) Yes, I've told him how I feel, many, many times. I have tried everything.
b) Yes, I'm walking about the basics here, hoovering, washing up, emptying overflowing bins and so on. He leaves it all to me.
c) Note really, but half the time I think he does a bad job so he doens't get asked again.

I know a cleaner will cost us the best part of £100 a month and we just don't have this to spend on what I view as a luxury.

I have even made a rota and stuck it on the fridge. he makes all the right noises, but he never delivers the goods.

OP posts:
FunnysInTheGarden · 09/04/2011 21:50

having a cleaner and/or a gardener is not a luxury, it's a necessity. He is a lazy arsed git and needs to get a grip.

TaudrieTattoo · 09/04/2011 21:55

My cleaners come once a week and cost me £320 a month.

Just wanted to point out realistic figures.

Original poster
undercovertoday · 09/04/2011 21:56

tawdrey - how many hours do they do and how much do you pay them?

OP posts:
TaudrieTattoo · 09/04/2011 21:59

There are two of them, they come for four hours a week and it's £80 a visit.

It's pretty par for the course in terms of cost round here tbh.

We're lucky that we can afford it, but to be honest I also farm out ironing and the gardening, simply due to the fact that dh has much much lower standards than me when it comes to household stuff, and can't really be relied on to get his finger out. I can't manage it all by myself.

It's a massive expense, but it saves rows.

cestlavielife · 09/04/2011 22:01

you both work .

pay for a cleaner /housekeeper.
pay for a gardener.

simples.

flippintired · 09/04/2011 22:03

My cleaner/mother's help comes 4 x a week and she gets £400 per month, money bloody well spent. She is an angel.

Carrotsandcelery · 09/04/2011 22:06

undercovertoday that must be so unbelievably frustrating. I hope I didn't offend with my earlier post. I think you have to force the hired help option really. It is the only way you will get some help. Hopefully either it will scare him into action or at least you will get some help with all the jobs. Make sure it is his luxuries that suffer though and not yours as you were willing to do your share of the jobs.

Anniegetyourgun · 09/04/2011 22:53

You wash the cars? You wash his car?

I think I washed mine once - no, twice it must be - and paid DS3 to wash it one other time. I've only had it three years. Fecked if I'd ever wash anyone else's. As long as you can see out of the windows, it ain't dirty.

lookingfoxy · 09/04/2011 23:06

Yip, this is why 'd'p is now living in his own (tip) flat and my house is always pretty tidy now. 5 years of (pleading) this and I had enough.

Original poster
undercovertoday · 09/04/2011 23:33

Carrots, you didn't affend me at all. I think we do have to get help in, but I am really cross about it, as the money could be spent on something far better. I really don't see why I should buy in help because he's lazy, but I think it's the only solution.

Yes, annie, I did wash the cars as we live out in the country so every so often they have to be hosed down or you can't see out! Since I've been ill I've tried to stop doing the extras like this and I paid to have one car washed last week. I asked him to do the same for the other car and he keeps making excuses saying he 'forgets' to get it done because he doesn't want to pay someone to do it. So, next week, if it's still not done, I will take it and get it washed with his money. Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
undercovertoday · 09/04/2011 23:34

I feel so much better for telling this to someone. I've been bottling it all up and feeling really down today.

OP posts:
Carrotsandcelery · 09/04/2011 23:36

undercovertoday I would keep a tally on what all his laziness costs him, the way exsmokers keep their saved cash in a jar - it might wake him up to a little co-operation!

Original poster
undercovertoday · 09/04/2011 23:37

Yes, maybe if I started to charge £15-£20 an hour for my time and drew it out of the bank account he would take me seriously!

OP posts:
Carrotsandcelery · 09/04/2011 23:39

Seriously, it might have an impact! The alternative is just going on strike but I fear he would happily live in the mess while you grow more and more miserable. If he is stingy frugal then take the debate to where it gets his attention!

Original poster
undercovertoday · 09/04/2011 23:40

I have thought about that, but seriously, I would crack first as he would live in utter squalor and I have DC to think of.

OP posts:
Carrotsandcelery · 09/04/2011 23:42

How old are the dc? Are they old enough to take on some jobs and for HIM to pay them for them?

Carrotsandcelery · 09/04/2011 23:42

Obviously not suitable if they are toddlers Grin

oldenoughtowearpurple · 09/04/2011 23:57

So what exactly are the consequences to him at the moment for not pulling his weight? You do it all. Occasionally you get a bit tearful or shouty but basically he gets away with it.

He's treating you like a doormat and a servant, not like someone he loves.

Original poster
undercovertoday · 10/04/2011 00:08

No, too young celery.

old - agreed, there are no consequences, but I suspect if I organise someone, he will be happy to pay for it ? anything rather than do the job himself. But I am not keen as I think he should pull his weight and we shouldn't have to spend money we can't afford on buying in help because he's too lazy to do any of it!

OP posts:
garlicbutter · 10/04/2011 00:56

I remember sitting on thesofa one sunny Saturday long ago, thinking about all the houseworkshoppingbillpayingphonecalls that day had in store for me. H was off on an all-weekend football jolly. I'd brought work home for a presentation I had to give on Monday. That beautiful weekend stretched out before me like a prison sentence. Head in hands, I thought "There has to be another way". I picked up the phone book, rang a domestic agency and started a very happy, 20-year relationship with them :)

You have two jobs - 'job' job and family job. H has one job and doesn't see the family one as anything to do with him. Cleaners, ironers and car washers have jobs. Figure it out!

Don't ask, tell. Life will improve a thousandfold. H will have to sacrifice something to help pay ... or take on an extra half-a-job, which he's already demonstrated he won't do. As others have said: simples!

garlicbutter · 10/04/2011 01:04

I don't know why I didn't see your last post, sorry.

Can you tell me why it's better for you & H to do an extra job yourselves, instead of hiring professionals to do it? Would you set up your own pension trust, make all your own clothes and grind your own flour? How would you feel if the folk who benefit from your work decided they "should" do it themselves, and stopped having you do it even though they didn't know the job as well as you? Cleaning, ironing, washing cars, fixing broken house stuff, gardening, etc, are all proper jobs and there are experienced people needing the work. What's the problem?