help me sort out my sex life

[shadowlands]

Have namechanged.

I am married to a lovely DH and we have a great relationship except for sex. All the problems are with me not him. I have almost no desire for sex and don't get turned on. When we do it (which isn't often) I find it uncomfortable/painful and boring.
I haven't always been this way. I didn't have sex until we got married (joint decision) but when we were going out we used to play around a lot and I had orgasms really easily. For some reason (NO idea why) this stopped several months before we got married. I just completely lost my libido.

I was always afraid sex would be painful (struggled with tampons) and sure enough, the first few attempts were extremely painful (made evenings on our honeymoon not much fun :( ). I went to GP who referred me to gynaecologist to check for physiological problems. She said there was nothing wrong with me - just needed 'stretching' (eww!) and that is normal. I used dilators for a while until I got to the point of being able to tolerate sex but still no enjoyment. I occasionally managed orgasms when we took sex off the table but with difficulty. Sex was rare and a chore and always needed KY jelly.
Then ttc we had lots of sex and it did get a lot more comfortable but still no arousal.
I hoped that after having a baby I would've been stretched enough(!) and it wouldn't be at all painful but not so :( Nothing has changed except we have a lot less energy and opportunity for sex (ds is 7mo).

This isn't particularly causing problems in our relationship - DH is very understanding - but I feel bad for him and like we're both missing out on something that should be great. I remember what fun we had when we were going out!

Any advice greatfully received :)

Gosh,it seems what is missing is good old fashioned lust and turn on which from your short post you dont seem to have experienced.
I dont know how you achieve that tho,porn? booze? vibrators etc? you need to get really bone shakingly horny.

Oh you poor thing. As you say sex shouldn't be like this. I wonder if you might be better off talking to a psychologist as it might be anxiety related and or get a second opinion from another gynae. This has obviously been very hard for you for ages. I'm sorry I can't offer any more practical advice

Is there any connection between waiting until you were married to have sex and your reactions now?

It IS quite rare now for couples to wait- was it for religious reasons?

Odd question- but why did you go ahead with the wedding when you were not exjoying/in tune sexually?

Maybe you just have a very low sex drive. maybe the petting and orgasms pre-marriage were enough to satisfy you and one the novelty wore off , well, that was enough.

maybe ou have some deeper issues around sex and penetration that need exploring via psychotherapy.

ledkr - I used to get horny though, just not any more. Not keen on porn and alcohol doesn't seem to help

cabbage - it was for religious reasons but in any case i would've been too scared to have sex unless in a very committed relationship with complete trust. As far as i can tell the problems aren't related to the waiting but who knows.
went ahead with wedding because i wanted to marry him! Don't regret it and never will even if sex never improves (though I hope it does of course)

I have wondered if it was a case of the novelty wearing off, but surely that shouldn't happen? Most people can have satisfying sex lives for years not just months.

Doctor suggested psychotherapy but I didn't pursue it as i was hoping things would improve on their own. Am a bit nervous about the idea tbh - especially as I think most people would find our decision to wait strange and not really get us

maybe you just aren't horny! there are people who are asexual.

most people find sex scary the first time- with anyone- but their urges get the better of them. sounds as if you didn't really feel the urge that much anyway.

was he your first "real boyfriend"?

Did you ever really,really fancy him? You see, most people find it simply too hard to wait- though i accept some people do have relgious reasons.

Do you have any urges yourself- do you masturbate or did you before marriage?

I suppose what I am getting at is , is it YOU/HIM that is the issue- no chemistry- or is it you?

I think you should pursue psychotherapy- no one will judge you.

I would go for the psychotherapy, it can't do any harm and may well do some good.

Why don't you take the pressure off again, with the no penetration and go back to the fooling around for a while and see if that starts things off?

Has anyone suggested that it might be a simple hormonal problem?

I don't know anything about this but I have seen threads on here where it's been discussed. The part that rings a bell in your situation is that you say you used to have orgasms really easily, then it just stopped for no reason. That's exactly what women with hormonal imbalances say - everything was normal then they simply lost their libido one day and simply cannot get turned on.

Might be worth a trip back to the doc?

I think it's a problem with me rather than me/him. I definitely did fancy him and still kind of do - at least I think he's fit just don't get aroused.
I do have sexual dreams though, sometimes involving DH, sometimes not.

Another thing I forgot to mention is that I have got really ticklish so that the foreplay stuff we used to do is now horribly ticklish and I hate it!

I don't know whether it could be hormonal - since it happened i have changed pill, stopped the pill, got pg, had a baby and am bf so that's a lot of hormonal changes none of which seem to have had any effect.

Does anyone know what the likely wait for NHS counselling would be? or what Relate is like? And whether you can do it in your own home? (not keen on asking people to babysit so we can have sex therapy!)

Thanks for replies :)

Could it be vaginismus?

I thought it might be at first but the gynaecologist said it wasn't so I wrote that off. Could she have been wrong? How would i know?

unlikely that a counsellor would come to you you can do Relate by email and phone- see their website.

Being ticklish usually means you're nervous/anxious and not really into it - I would've thought. You also almost underline that you wouldn;t have sex with someone unless you were in a totally committed relationsihp with complete trust - it sounds like you may be frightened of sex? As for your religious reasons for waiting, there are many people who do, it is not uncommon, and a sex therapist has heard it all and probably this one often. I was going to suggest that if you're a christian you could see a christian sex therapist (not that you can choose that on the NHS!) but then wondered if such a thing exists - christians can be so funny about sex; and religion also has a lot to answer for, imbuing people with a lot of fear/disgust about being, basically, human. And I say that as a christian myself. I hope you get this sorted out OP, christian, muslim or whatever. Just a thought (sorry if it's patronising to ask) but have you prayed about it? God's a pretty good sex therapist ime - the best - and will definitely get on the case for you, either directly or by leading you to the right people etc. You could also go on a christian/whatever marriage course, where the people who run it will be experienced at addressing every possible problem people face in marriage - I should imagine that sexual problems are near or at the top of the list. It could be that you feel guilty about fooling around before you were married and that once the wedding loomed you got into 'responsible' gear, hence loss of libido? If you've been checked out physically and there is nothing wrong, it does seem as though this could be psychological in origin. Though I apologise if any of my post is making assumptions.

Do you mastubate? Or enjoy massage? I have also been lik you ith the finding it boring thing...I do owever like massages...so if I get a goo massage then I often relax enoough to turn my mind off...

Not a "goo massage" a GOOD massage!

a goo massage sounds messy
I don't masturbate but I do like massages - will give that a go (although I suspect DH would get bored!)

springydaffs I think a lot of your post is pretty accurate. I've looked online for Christian sex therapists (I know they exist) but haven't been able to find any in my area and don't really want to ask people I know. I have prayed about it - but still waiting for things to change. Maybe God just wants me to swallow my pride and ask for help.
I know what you mean about Christians being funny about sex but although I had it drummed into me not to have sex outside marriage, I was also taught that sex within marriage is a good thing to be celebrated and enjoyed, so I don't think my upbringing is responsible for my issues.
I think I will pray that God will put someone in my path who I can ask for help (and that he'll help me overcome the embarassment of asking!)

OP- I am wary of challenging your religious beliefs- but....

did you ever challenge the no sex until married belief?

I can't see how having that drummed into you can do anything but make you fearful, or put sex on a pedestal, or create some kind of guilt , or impossibly high expectations.

I used to be a practising Christian until my late teens then rejected a l ot of it. In particular the sex side. For me, my mind is as important as my body- if not more so- and if i was going to let a man get intimate with my brain, then why not my body? I didn't see any difference.

The fact that you mention trust as a reason to hold back implies you were afraid of being hurt, or exposed in some way.

I wonder if there is a legacy of this even now?

There is something going on in your head and it needs a good psychotherapist to tease it out- they don't have to be a practising christian and in som e ways it might be better if they were not- they could challenge your thinking and you would have to dig deep for the answers- maybe deper than with someone whoo followed the same religion.

They would still be non judgemental- that's their job!

Could me vaginismus. It certainly sounds like it. not trying to give any diagnosis of course but I would definitely look into the possibility OP.

Just a thought but you could try psychosexual counselling together. your local community mental health team might be able to refer you to one. your gp can refer you. there's no shame in it. they're amazingly able to talk with people about sex and sexuality.

psychosexual couples counselling may well help and is not available on NHS in all areas. Your GP can tell you what's available in yours.

These are the people who can help you find a therapist
www.cosrt.org.uk/

As someone else said, if you feel ticklish sounds like you are tense. You can work on that from the physical side - massage, accupuncture etc and also try and delve into what thoughts are making you anxious on the mental health side.

Just another thought- they say that sex begins in the head- are you harbouring any resentment against him for any reason?

Also- your first post says that you always thought sex would be painful. Why? That is not a normal reaction. Most women accept that the first time will be a bit "ouch" but ideally, they are so turned on and ready for it that it's not an issue.

Do you have possible hang ups over your body, for example? Do you associate sex- and even tampons- with guilt, or something "not nice"? maybe even subconsciously? This is something a counsellor would explore.

If not- is it his technique perhaps?

I wonder if the "playing around" you did pre- marriage was novel and exciting- and enough to get you turned on/orgasm. But after a few months you had got so used to his (boring) technique that it just didn't work any more.

If you have not had any previous experiences with other men it could be something as simple as your DH not knowing what to do. ie- no matter how much you love pizza at first, if all you are given for months on end is the same pizza it will not be the same!

Women who have had several partners would, I am sure, confirm that some men are better than others in bed.

If you were to try masturbating, and find what turned you on, then could you incorporate this with him?

It just seems a bit obvious in some ways that 2 inexperienced people, with religious constraints, get off to an okay-kind-of start in the full flush of desire, then it goes wrong.

What do you think?

DontGoCurly I think you may be right - I've had a read on the nhs page about vaginismus and it def sounds like it could be.
I think I'm gonna have to go to GP about it, but we're in the process of buying a house at the mo so I think I'll wait til we've moved before attempting to deal with it.

cabbage I think my fear of sex being painful was simply because I found it impossible as a young teenager to insert a tampon so I thought I must have an abnormal vagina or something. I also had a bit of a negative attitude to sex generally because of media stories about rape, abuse etc.
I don't wish to challenge the no sex outside marriage belief - I have given it a lot of thought and discussed with friends - but am happy with it.

I think you deffo need professional help.

You won't have vagismus unless you still cannot use tampons- and the soltion - they will tell you- is dildos/vibrators of varying sizes!

you see all the reasons you give could apply to so many people- I had a problem with tampons, my DD ( now 22) did- lots of women do at first- but then the emotions which should be positive ones about sex overtake those memories.

Also- there is no logical connection between reading about rape and it creating negative thoughts about sex unless you have some underlying issues already. All women read about rape etc- but it doesn't give them a problem with their Dhs.

Pop along to the drs or look for some sexual therapists online.

Unfortunately, this is one of the frequent harms done by religions - psychosexual damage. It leads to people getting married young, with no real sexual experience and a whole lot of taboos around sexual behaviour, which means that when they do have sex it's likely to be clumsy and inadequate and not much fun for the woman, and because of the fear and ignorance which has been instilled into the couple, it's a lot of hard work to improve things.
Another vote here for psychosexual counselling but don't hunt for a Christian one, at least not one who advertises him/herself as a specifically Christian counsellor. You want an impartial counsellor, not an agenda-driven one.

I know you've seen a gyno, but is there any chance you may have a retroverted uterus? Its my understanding that a lot of the things you describe: problems with tampons, painful sex etc, are often common with a retroverted uterus.

A retroverted uterus would not cause such problems to arise (many women as well only realise they have such a uterus when they are pregnant). I used to have awful problems inserting tampons as well due to an imperforate hymen.

If sex is physically painful this can be due also to endometriosis. Unfortunately this is usually only diagnosed through keyhole surgery, wonder if this gynae ever gave endo a thought in the first place.

I would look at both sex therapy and seeing another gynae in your particular circumstances. I wish you both the best of luck, I feel this problem can be solved.