help me sort out my sex life

[shadowlands]

Have namechanged.

I am married to a lovely DH and we have a great relationship except for sex. All the problems are with me not him. I have almost no desire for sex and don't get turned on. When we do it (which isn't often) I find it uncomfortable/painful and boring.
I haven't always been this way. I didn't have sex until we got married (joint decision) but when we were going out we used to play around a lot and I had orgasms really easily. For some reason (NO idea why) this stopped several months before we got married. I just completely lost my libido.

I was always afraid sex would be painful (struggled with tampons) and sure enough, the first few attempts were extremely painful (made evenings on our honeymoon not much fun :( ). I went to GP who referred me to gynaecologist to check for physiological problems. She said there was nothing wrong with me - just needed 'stretching' (eww!) and that is normal. I used dilators for a while until I got to the point of being able to tolerate sex but still no enjoyment. I occasionally managed orgasms when we took sex off the table but with difficulty. Sex was rare and a chore and always needed KY jelly.
Then ttc we had lots of sex and it did get a lot more comfortable but still no arousal.
I hoped that after having a baby I would've been stretched enough(!) and it wouldn't be at all painful but not so :( Nothing has changed except we have a lot less energy and opportunity for sex (ds is 7mo).

This isn't particularly causing problems in our relationship - DH is very understanding - but I feel bad for him and like we're both missing out on something that should be great. I remember what fun we had when we were going out!

Any advice greatfully received :)

I think it could be vagisimus.
I found sex with my first boyfriend extremely painful and uncomfortable. Never liked it. I could use tampons fine - but when he came near me I would tense up.

It is fine for me now - so there is hope.

It is an involuntary action from your body and some psychotherapy sounds like it could be a good idea.

1:4 women have retroverted uteruses- including me. I didn't know until an expert new gynae told me when i was 53!

usually it causes no problems whatsoever.

I think it is a waste of time advising hte OP to see a gyane TBH.

She admits that the problem is lack of arousal- not simply being dry or finding it hurts- though of course lack of arousal causes both of those.

I did suggest that maybe the OP's DH is simply not doing the right things- if he is equally inexperienced. The initial orgasms through foreplay could well be the result of the "novelty of it all" but now things have settled down, whatever is happening is not enough to turn her on.

I'm afraid I am another one who gets angry at the idea of religion messing up people's minds, and by putting sex on some kind of pedestal, or making it filled with guilt-associations.

it is also another example of how you should ensure some level of sexual comaptability before you make the relationship legal and binding.

OP I think the problem comes from your first few tries as a newly married woman. It sounds like it was painful and not nice at all :( Also to suddenly be expected to have sex on demand, immediately, because you had just got married (and not when you were personally ready) sounds like quite a pressured situation. Perhaps this has put you off and made your vagina reluctant to try again.

I had a similar problem with a boyfriend. He was very large too, which didnt help! I found we just had to take things slowly, from the beginning. So we did just cuddling, then just playing around, got to know each other very well emotionally and intimately, were nice to each other generally etc. He tried to impress me in various ways which I found lovely! We tried to have sex a few times, he was very gentle, but I was too tight and he completely accepted that it was just not the right time yet.
Then one day we tried and it just worked, it was nice and not painful :) (and he was dancing round the room afterwards! haha)

So I would say just take the pressure off yourself completely. The gynae has said there is nothing wrong down there so you an relax about that (although I think she was wrong that you 'just need stretching', because when you are ready for sex your muscles down there will relax by themselves.)