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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

h is constantly going on about sex

42 replies

inamechanged · 08/04/2011 21:17

ie we dont have sex any where hear often enough according to h. However he constantly goes on at me makes snide comments etc even in front of the dc. No matter what time he comes in from work or goes to bed he wants to and gets annoyed if I say Im too tired and says I'm alwas tired as if I have no right to be. Even when the dc wakes up in the night he tried it on. Ie last night ds2 aged 3 wet the bed at 230. As soon as we were back in bed after changing sheets he was touching me and thenn got moody when I said no I'm too tired. Same thing earlier in the week when ds1 work us up at 430! Its driving me mad. He doesnt let up and its seriously doesnt make me want to at all ever! AIBU about this?

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 08/04/2011 21:19

ewww no,yanbu. how horrible!!

carlywurly · 08/04/2011 21:21

Nothing is more of a turn off than being pestered for sex. Is everything else ok with your relationship?

Original poster
inamechanged · 08/04/2011 21:22

He gets annooyed when I'm on the computer ie now even tho not back from work yet. He blames the fact that I use my computer in the evening totally on my lack of interest that and my contraceptive implant. Not the fact that he just doesnt let up. Drives me nuts.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 08/04/2011 21:24

so you feel hassled in your own home...this isnt on,he needs putting straight asap.

Original poster
inamechanged · 08/04/2011 21:25

He is lovely and everthings fine when I give in but when he doesnt feel he is having enough sex he is so moody and grumpy not just with me but dc as well :(

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 08/04/2011 21:26

oh god,what a situation!
what is 'enough' in his opinion?

Original poster
inamechanged · 08/04/2011 21:28

I dont feel its ever enough tbh he was never like thhis before the dc were born. Probably 2 or 3 times a week ideally everyday I should think!

OP posts:
Skifit · 08/04/2011 21:28

YANBU..
He is obviously feeling very horny... but tough..
if he loves you...

Original poster
inamechanged · 08/04/2011 21:32

I love sleep ins on the very rare occasions the dc allow so I am not happy when he decides to caress me and so wake me up at 630 if the dc wake him up that early he is not happy but its ok for him to do that to me! I always say no when he does this as I hate it if the dc then sleep in he gets annoyed and says we could have done it by now!

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 08/04/2011 21:41

have you spoken to him about it,properly i mean. the next morning?

Original poster
inamechanged · 08/04/2011 22:03

he knows how I feel about it. Hate being woken up anyway especially at weekends etc

OP posts:
Original poster
inamechanged · 08/04/2011 22:14

i mean hate being woken by h making demands

OP posts:
SingingSands · 08/04/2011 22:16

Sounds like my DH. Pestering pest. I hate being woken up by anyone, but especially by him and his octopus hands.

Original poster
inamechanged · 08/04/2011 22:20

yes thats exactly it octopus hands and at 230am!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
SingingSands · 08/04/2011 22:31

Sharpen your elbows and don't be afraid to use them!

Diggs · 09/04/2011 10:52

Sorry , i dont think this is about sex at all , i think its about your H having a lack of respect for you and in a way , setting you up. He says he wants more sex but then harasses you and makes snide remarks , it isnt working , yet still he continues . What is the motivation for him to continue ? Hes not getting the sex he says he wants is he ?

He doesnt get to be moody with you if you say No , and he doesnt get to be moody with the dcs either , this is a sort of bullying , and its not uncommon.
Waking you up to service his cock is absurd , and he knows deep down that your going to say No then he can huff and puff and criticize you for being frigid , no fun ect.

Presumably youve told him you hate it yet hes still contuing ? How awful of him . Some men do this as a way to bully their wives and as a way to justify being moody and shit . You say hes loveley apart from this but in my experience bullying doesnt ever only occur in one area. What sort of man wants sex with a reluctant woman then gets moody when she says no ?

Im afraid he,d be sleeping on the sofa if he was my H and id make it clear i wasnt willing to have sex with someone who didnt respect me.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 09/04/2011 10:56

DIggs is right, this is a classic abuse pattern. Because if he actually wanted more sex, he would be listening to you about what would make you feel more inclined to have some. Constant pestering isn't working in terms of making you open your legs, so for him to keep on doing it, it's producing a result he wants in different ways (upsetting and annoying you and giving him permission to abuse you verbally).

worthless · 09/04/2011 11:29

my h is like this too....i was happy to have sex whenever he wanted and on a very regular basis despite having 3 dc and a job! i did it cos i loved him and i wanted to make him happy....he never helped with the kids, house, etc and then 18 months or so ago he flipped and accused me of being a shit wife, never making an effort in the bedroom department, never showing him love or instigating sex and completely turned into a nasty shite when his abuse and bullying completely pushed me away.....now have not had sex with him for months.....he keeps trying (normally like your h it is in the middle of the night or very early morning) when i particularly want to sleep and not wanting to service him!!!! my love for him has died and I feel so sad - relationship rock bottom - cant see myself ever wanting sex with him again - understand why he is fed up with me but it is his own fault really. some men just dont seem to be able to grow up. having children changes things, changes how you feel and changes your libido. A decent man understands this, a good man appreciates all that you do, a loving man will be happy for a cuddle and a kiss and yes sex is part of that loving relationship but if the relationship is unbalanced and you feel worn out and unloved then sex will suffer.....most men just need to grow up a bit........shame we cant get them to see that if they treat their partners with a little more respect and love then we all benefit.
Good luck x

Original poster
inamechanged · 09/04/2011 21:05

This morning I was woken up by his octopus hands at 430 and I was so annoyed. It took me ages to get back to sleep and then it was morning. It was doubly annoying as it would have been the first time this week I had an uninterupted night as neither boy woke up last night. He was full of apologies this morning and bought me up a cup of tea. He said he had an errotic dream and was acting it out but he was definately awake when he woke me up so I dont believe him.

OP posts:
epicfail · 10/04/2011 06:07

I would have killed him. Tell him to fuck right off and then fuck right off again. Selfish twunt.

elmofan · 10/04/2011 06:25

I think you need to develop a" knee jerking twitch" to
being woken up like this from him Wink

TDada · 10/04/2011 07:15

inamechange and worthless - i am sorry to hear and suggest that you seek some sort of intervention like counselling. I remember that period - I tried to help more around the house and do the early mornings etc. Even then there could be resentment unless there is mutual understanding (esp. on his side where he is not recognising the massive change in demand on your time/workload and not being supportive).

Alternatively: You could make a list of things that he needs to do around the house/children etc. in order to ease the burden.

LightsOnComeOnIn · 10/04/2011 09:52

my exh was the same, waking me up in the middle of the night or getting on at me for not wanting sex anymore, I told him that I can't just switch it on and off like that, he never got it and needless to say as you can see by the exh part he got kicked to the curb, I need a full nights sleep to be able to function the next day and look after 2 very energetic children.

I am a sexual person but his idea of foreplay was to whisper in my ear 'fancy a shag'....enough said xx

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 10/04/2011 22:14

Look, this is disgusting behaviour that some of these men are subjecting some of you to. You don't just have to put up with it. It is NOT just 'men being men'. Nice men, of which there are plenty, DO NOT behave like this. Most men, if in a situation where they are not getting as much sex as they would like, talk to their partners about it, and while they might say that they want more sex, they don't persist in maulling the partner and whining or becoming agressive.
First, ask yourselves whether these sex pests are really good partners in other ways. Do they do their share of housework and childcare? Are they enjoyable company? Do they demonstrate that they like and respect you?If not, then you have a selfish, sexist, entitled man who is not going to change and you should seriously think about getting rid.
If there genuinely isn't anything else wrong with your couple-relationship I would be really fucking surprised then sit the man down and say, stop pestering me for sex. It isn't going to make me want sex, it's putting me right off. Let's sort out a way of making both of us happier, these are three things I would like you to do, what three things would you like me to do to improve our lives?

BelleBelicious · 10/04/2011 23:59

I went out with a guy with a much lower sex drive than me once, and whilst I can understand the frustration that causes, I would never have dreamed of constantly groping and pulling at his dick whilst he was sleeping to try and get him to shag me when he'd told me he wasn't up for it or going on and on about it. That would just be so demeaning for everyone.

If your DH is actually a decent bloke, sit down and talk to him about your needs and ways in which you can mutually support each other and as a decent bloke and an otherwise great partner, he'll be more than happy to listen, won't he?