Lost my dignity

[partnerleft]

I feel such fool. , I was being so calm with my ex who has left me after the death of our son and 25years together
I was making sure every time he came round I looked good, I didn?t hassle him, we went out for 2/3 meals and on mothersday he cooked and bought me a lovely present. Each time he confirmed it was over but we would walk the dog holding hands. Evertime he left I was in pieces but was thinking he is spending more time here than with her he had even commented she was pressuring hi,
He had refused to tell me who she was and it has become an obsession.
This week it dawned on me it was a particular women he worked with (for lots of reasons) so I looked her up and facebook and still don?t know why did a friends request.
She also has a 2nd business with her address and mobile no, so I drove round and put a note through her door and phoned to hear her voice (german) to be sure and it was. She has told EP and he has gone mad, says I?m a mad stalker, need treatment stay out of his live and we will never be friends

I am so gutted I have been so stupid but I did really need to know who it was , is there any way to redeem this
xxxxx

I am really sad to read your story.

In time you will be glad to have them both out of your life. You deserve so much better than this. He sounds so selfish, and he isn't being fair to either of you. I hope OW is giving him a really hard time. I can't believe he texted an abusive message to you after all that's happened, he really really isn't a good person.

I wish I had some wiser words.

Just caught up. OP you're not pathetic and you can cope because you have to.

Is this what you want to see when look back on your life? You, in pieces because of a nasty, nasty man? He was horribly cruel but I really think you'll only move on when he's out of your life. You may be 'needy' but not for the few crumbs he can provide.

As Doha says, you need to see your GP. AD's in the short term can help a lot.

I really feel for you but do you know, it's never too late to find love. Your real Mr Right could well be out there waiting for you x

I think it is a bit cruel to tell you that you've lost your dignity now, particularly when you are in such a fragile state. I don't agree with that anyway, I think you're just searching for answers that you may never actually get.
You are going through a process of confusion, loss and grieving. We all act a bit out of character when we are under that sort of pressure. I know it's hard to detach yourself from your ex, but really, to me it sounds as if he is quick to jump on anything he can as a reason to be cruel to you. You don't need to be friends with him, because he is not friendly enough towards you to treat you with some understanding and be kind. Hard as it is, detach yourself from him, keep with the counselling and start to gently spread your wings, rediscover your friends and find some new ones.

Don't think you've lost your dignity either. You have a right to know what's been going on and you've done what you could to find out. Now you both now that he had been playing you and lying.

This supposed "loss of dignity" is all actually a good thing really - he should have put you in the picture a long time ago but he didn't. It's brought truth out into the open so that you can make proper decisions about your future. Part of you being "mental" as he so kindly put it has probably been about sensing his lies but not being able to make sense of it. He sounds like a coward who wanted out when you went to Relate and thought the separate houses would be the easy way out.

Please take care of yourself. Do call on any friends in real life for support. Are there any support groups you could join for bereaved parents? It's really important to get out of the mindset that you can only survive with him around.

Dear Partner, I'm a very strong believer in the subconscious. I think deep down you know that to recover, you need to let him go, remove contact and start to become an independant person in your own right. However scary this is, it is the better option that the way you are living now. It is possible that you knew how he would react and therefore by setting a chain of events in motion, he will make the decision for you. It is done now. Please don't feel that you have lost your dignitity as you have been through an horrific time. Nothing could be worse than the loss of your son. Coming from a family that has experienced much loss, you will never get used to the gap in your life that your son has left or the pain but you will definitely recover from the gap that your ex leaves. Please believe me. You mustn't torture yourself any longer about your ex. It's time to leave the relationship in the past and concentrate on building the best life you can because that's what your son would want for you and it will give you some motivation to continue.

I'm glad you are having counselling and you need to make a commitment to yourself now that your different life begins today. Small steps. It's not the life that you may have planned but you have a life and choice and potential and possibility and hope, and for all those that go before us, in memory of them, it is essential that you live this to the full. My best wishes to you.

I agree with Ohgawd - but to be honest - I don't think anything you've done is all that unusual at the end of such a long relationship. (I can remember my mum driving me halfway across England in the middle of the night - I was about 7 - trying to find the ow when she thought my dad was seeing someone else!) I also think your X has been giving you very mixed signals - and being charitable - he might have thought he was being "kind" - so no wonder you reacted the way you did.

The key thing, as Ohgawd said, is to focus on yourself for the time being - and what your son would have wanted. It will make it much much easier to move on from your x.

Thank you all so much
what you are saying makes so much sense. i just feel beyond sad that someone i have given 25 years to could eventually hurt me in this way, and although i know i don't have any choice now but to "move on" it hurts so much and i am spending about 90 % of my time crying
but thank you all so much for caring it really oes help

struggling, don't know what to do

Keep talking to us, keep talking it out, you will get though this.

Is there someone who could come over and stay with you over the bank holiday? Or have you got anything planned for tomorrow. Activities are good too - especially anything that you can get really stuck into and which you will find absorbing. Just take a day at a time.

You are not 'psycho' or acting out of the ordinary at all. We would all have done the same thing. I would have done a lot worse, actually, so I think you have retained your dignity.

You are coping with 2 losses, that of your son and that of your relationship.
Unfortunately your husband is no longer the man you loved, he has changed. he is following the path of the man who wants to get away with leaving you and shedding his guilt. That is why he is telling you you are acting abnormally. It's just his defensive mechanism.

As to what to do now. The only way forward is to carve a new life for yourself. Start by focusing on your own routine not involving him. Get rid of his number. Focus on not contacting him. As time goes by you will gradually stop feeling the sharpness of grief for the loss of the relationship. Once you reach that point then you may be able to start to speak to him again, as he is the contact you have regarding your lost son.

I hope you realise that your actions are not crazy, they are what a hurt woman does and you have not lost your dignity.

Thank you i am going to try and concentrate on not texting him.
i am just not coping with the thought that fter 25 years together he will be trying to repair his relationship with ow and won't give a s---- about how devestated i am and it hurts so much.They have to see each other anyone as they work togehter and my great fear is as a way to get her back and make up for all the lies he has told her he will do something big like move in with her and i know i cannot cope with that
2 months ago i knew nothing about her and now my life is just upside down
xx

OP, anyone who says hell doesn't exist only has to read your story. As with other posters, my heart goes out to you. You are in hell at the moment.

However, although I have not been in the same hell as you are now, I have also experienced times of pure hell. One thing that I learned to ease the unbelievable pain was to let go and go with the hell, to stop trying to fight it, accept it. I tell myself that people have been through hellish things since time immemorial, it is not something new or especially tailored for me.

You sound as though you are currently experiencing quite a high level of addiction ie to your husband and to alcohol. Addictions are devices to facilitate turning away from unmanageable pain and are, sadly, not the answer: they not only don't help, only in the very short term, but actually makes things a lot worse, compounding already unbearable pain.

I hope by now your ADs have begun to work and you are beginning to feel calmer. You need a lot of RL support and please access all the support you can, not only for you but your surviving son. I am concerned for your son, who has lost his entire family one way or another and is also battling a serious illness - does he have his own support, separate to the support you are receiving?

Please get back to your supportive GP and request support from your MH crisis team to support you through the intense crisis you and your son are experiencing at the moment. There are times we are so ill we have to give in and allow others to take over and look after us.

I wonder if you have had a payout from the court case you won, or are you still waiting for the legal machine to facilitate that? If you have any spare cash, please consider paying for intense, possibly residential, care to get you through this truly dreadful time. If you don't have any 'spare' cash, can you free up some? YOu are understandably not at all well and need conclusive support, can't be dependent on people's goodwill (or neglect ) and need a haven to recover from the shattering events of the past 5 years.

I assure that taking your life will destroy your surviving son, please don't think otherwise - it is a lifelong burden that is agony to bear for those left behind.

I wish you well OP

springydaffs
thanks so much, i guess i am addicted to my partner but we have been through so muh together over the years, our younger sons ongoing health problems and the unexpected loss of my eldest and everything that went with that friends, jobs lifestyle.I thought what ever we would always be togehter despite it being a very up down relationship and grivieng very differently

My son appares to cope well although he is astounded by everthing that is going on, and his father seems like a stranger to him with all the lies.
The crisis team are visitng weekly but i now no one can change the situation, i am trying so hard to stay but its not easy
thank you again for your thoughts
xx

What a horrible bloke , you been messed around and at such a sensitive time you have nothing to be ashamed off

thank you

omg i cant imagine your pain but one thing i can say is that your husband has proved his true colours,he should be there supporting you and your son instead he sounds like hes flitting from you to this other woman and trying to make you feel bad in the process.as his wife you have everyright to try and find out whats going on even if its just for closure,right now forget your husband and consentrate on yourself your surviving son needs you.

i know its easy for me to say but it is true that times a great healer,you wont ever get over losing your son but you will learn to live with it.right now your husband is dragging you down hes a jerk,hes made his bed i would let him lie in it.

The only crumb of sympathy I can feel about your exP is that he must be devastated through grief and has suffered some sort of nervous breakdown. He's the one who has behaved appallingly - he's gone ballistic because he's been put in an uncomfortable position. Well tough - he should be far more understanding. You haven't lost any dignity at all.

Time to cut loose now though.

You may be right, 2 weeks ago he sent me a text in middle of night saying he wanted to end his life right then, we talked n talked and he admitted how depressed he is, and i siad if you are with an ow surley you should be feeling good, but he said not
i don't know anything anymore

OP, I hope you are getting the high level of professional support you need, but the bottom line is that you have to start helping yourself, which means letting go of your XP in the same way that you must let go of alcohol. You have suffered the worst trauma there is, the loss of a child - unfortunately this is often a loss which comes between the child's parents.
But you have another son who loves and needs you, you have friends and you do have a bright future. Tell your XP that you want no contact with him for the moment (except for what is necessary to arrange for him to see his son, and if possible keep that to email/text when necessary). Tell him that you need to get over the end of the relationship and if he has any resepct for you he will allow you to do so in peace. He may well be keeping in close contact because he is concerned for you or it may be a way to convince himself he's not the bad guy. Either way, continuing contact with him is not good for you.

How do you let go of someone you love and want to be with.I am finding it impossible. I was so pleased when he texted me this morning to wish me happy birthday, because only 2 days ago he siad he would never have anything to do with me again, i feel so weak and pathetic and needy but i still love him and don't ant the realtionship to be over
any advice

Do as SGB says and ask him not to contact you at all, switch your mobile off if necessary and try and busy yourself with activities during this lovely weather.
Your not pathetic and not weak I can bet everyone on here has felt the same desperation when someone else has ended the relationship, I know I have, the pain will lessen in time and if your mobiles switched off, you can't stress yourself waiting for a message to come through!

The relationship is over. Because he has ended it. You let go because you have no choice and, ultimately, no right to try to pursue a relationship with someone who has chosen not to be your partner any more.
He may have been selfish and cowardly to leave you the way he did, but the fact remains that he has left you and is under no obligation to keep in contact with you.
You have no choice but to accept this, and it is the only way you will recover - though given the other terrible things you have suffered, it is going to be a hard struggel for you and please do access all the help available from professionals and friends and family.

harsh words

Partner, you have suffered terrible losses and I appreciate that you are in great pain. However, you have to take steps to pull yourself out of it, just a little at a time, with the help of friends and family - and professionals.
What you really mustn't and can't do is stalk your XP and his new partner. This will not help you, it will prolong your pain, and if you keep doing it, or escalate, legal measures might be taken against you.