Has anyone disowned their Parents ?

[positivesteps]

Just wondering how you cope with dis owning family members?

Do you feel better for doing it ?

Eventually with some therapy i am feeling better. I disowned my parents and sister 5 years ago. I went through a time of rebellion, wondering if i had done the right thing to lonliness and after 6 sesssions of therapy i am moving towards moving on in my life for the better. I suggest if you do disown your parents you seek out a very experienced therapist.

Seek out a therapist - much earlier than i did!

Hi,

Its my mother and sister. I am sick of their bullying. What did they do to you? Or is that opening up old wounds ?
Mum and dad are divorced but he's one of them that goes along with the last person he spoke to he doesn't really support. He can be critical at times but I have learned to live with him.

Seek a good therapist. Then you can decide if disowning is what you really need/want or the best thing for you to do. Non -supportive, judgemental, crtical, emotionally cold, bullying, rejected myson/ashamed of him (disabled and mixed raced). Verbal put downs. Non caring. it is apainful and you will need support of a good therapist i imagine. I would tell nobody of your decision to have a therapist or of the reasons why. Tell nobody.

yes. i have disowned my father for the last 3 years and i imagine until his death. by default i have disowned one sister and the other has disowned me because i refuse to deal with my father. i witnessed some extreme dv when i was a child and then had a lifetime of my dad insisting it either didnt happen/was my mothers fault/could all be fixed if we talked about it endlessly. it cannot. since i disowned him i have married and had a dd which he is not aware of. in the end i realised if i let him in to my little family then i was showing dd that you have to put up with unreasonable behaviour if someone is related to you and i absolutely do not want her to ever think that.

it was also about me being able to enjoy my adult life without this constant upset of my fathers behviour (lots of present tense stuff as well). i dont think that is unjustified though my sister do.

I have walked away from my step dad as hes such a hige pain in the rear and has never done anything for me. He ignores his grandchildren and prefers his dogs!! As a single mum Ive never asked him for anything and maybe I expected a bit of respect but sadly that hasnt been forthcoming either! Life is too short and even growing up he made my life hell and I can say its probably why I lack confidence!

It sounds hard for you sungiritan. Do you miss him at all? Have you had any help with dealing with emotions over this ?
I haven't had dv but my mum spends her life trying to knock me down. I have panic attacks and anxiety and it makes it doubly hard for me to deal with this. My mums bitter with her life and so wastes her energy feeling envious of people. She gets jealous over the slightest thing. Even seeing my dad who she's divorced from .

Any new partner she has ever had she gets jealous of their mother so makes it so hard for them that she makes sure they lose contact with their own family. When she was married to dad she said he couldn't see his mum ever again because she didn't get on with her - probably because my mum is so demanding , controlling and expects too much. Her current partner doesn't see any of his family anymore and doesn't even see his 3 children.
This is just one example she can be incredibly cruel to get what she wants and her own way.
Any happy news I have she can't resist a dig. I'm worn out and sad thing is all I want is for a mother to love me and not judge. I think why does she do this to me? I'm not perfect but I try to be kind to her, help her and support her but she just plays on my anxiety issues. I hope for her to change but when ?

Cuteboots just saw your message then. I have low confidence too. Try to build myself up then get knocked back down by mum telling or texting things like I'm a bad daughter because I haven't seen her. She exaggerates and over dramatises her words. I get called some really big and nasty words just for say not ringing her. Nothings ever good enough.

Yes my parents and sister about 18 months ago - it was only supposed to be temporary for a few months but tbh it was such a relief that I continued.

As a side I no longer have anything to do with my extended family either - all contact wtih them was through my parents so I have no contact information for them. I'm glad tbh as to be in contact with someone who was also seeing my parents/sister would be complicated and uncomfortable and would make me worry about what information they were passing on - I've already stopped contacting a friend over this (her parents were friends with mine). And considering my family don't know that I've got married or had a second child it's difficult having a friendship with someone who you can't tell it to either.

Why? I tend to just shorten it to they weren't very nice people. Basically they ruined my childhood, set me up with a lot of problems for life adn continued trying to destroy my life and any autonomy I might have had as an adult.

It has made my life hugely better though I did have a breakdown and go completely mental for a while (which was put down to a lifetime of extreme stress and finally having a break/being able to deal with it).

I've been to see a counsellor but we agreed that traditional style counselling wasn't what I needed as I have an understanding of all the issues in my own mind so not really anything to explore. I did a lot of work with books like toxic parents and controlling parents and spent years a lot of time talking on here and to friends/family (dh and ILs) before doing anything. And I do talk to them a lot. One thing I have learnt from this is that you need to talk to people and make them aware of what is happening. Keeping 'family secrets' only fosters the whole thing. Not that I regale complete strangers wtih stories but you get the idea.

I am now doing cbt (cognitive behaviour therapy) which is all about changing patterns of behaviour (I have a lot of problems with anxiety amongst other stuff). I know where the behaviours come from but still need help changing it.

There is still stuff I struggle with - like I still have plenty of excuses for my parents and what they did and I find it hard to see their behaviour/actions as being as bad as everyone else does. It still surprises and upsets me when others have often very strong reactions to things in my past. I am also almost more angry with people like my (then) doctors (who picked up on depression at 9yo but did nothing when my mum stormed out the surgery as a result) and secondary school (when I started showing worrying behaviours) that no one ever picked up on anything. I was disbelieved by one doctor (that I refused to see again) because ' if it had happened then social services would have been involved'. But rationally I can see there is little that they could have done.

Sorry that was so long. It is a big decision.

I have a younger sister who has behaved appallingly towards myself and my older sister. I feel fairly indifferent to her.

I have a very large and extended family and for the sake of peace at family gatherings ie weddings funerals etc I acknowledge her and her DH but no more than that Effectively I have "distanced" myself from her , I don't 'phone or text, just send a Christmas card with a couple of presents for her sons with a letter telling her my family news. I get a Christmas card from her and a thank you letter from her son and that is it.
Any resumption of relations between us must be iniated by her.

It upsets me that I do not have a relationship with her and wondered in the past if I was being too harsh, but over the last ten years or so she and her husband have systematically fallen out with/upset most of the extended family, so that she is no longer being invited to family functions.

Distancing/minimal contact has worked for me!

I have disowned my father.
He really put us through the wringer and I was fed up of being let down etc. Looking back over my childhood I realise life would have been much better had he disappeared earlier. He just drifted away in my teens and I never actively sought him out. I made it difficult for him to find us on purpose as I was happy to distance myself.
Once I had my 2 boys he decided he wanted to be a part of my life again. I gave him a shot and he royally cocked it up so that was his one and only chance. I've lost 2 brothers (half brothers) who I did really want a relationship with, but the way I see it is they will either grow up soon (both in their teens just now) and see everything for what it is, or they will air their grievances with me at a later date, in which case I will explain my reasons: I don't want that arsehole messing with my boys heads and emotions in the same way he did with us.
I am much MUCH happier without him in my life. Stress free, no worries.

I have made this a mantra for my life - if it doesn't work or it makes you feel bad, then cut it out. Always be honest with yourself. Life is too short.

I'm worn out and sad thing is all I want is for a mother to love me and not judge.

That's the human condition, positivesteps. It's what we all want. That's why it's all so painful and difficult.

It's a huge step to disown you parents, however appalling they are, but may well be the only way you can move on in your life. I would also recommend using a therapist, if you can afford one or have one that you trust. A loyal friend or partner is great, but you will need to lean on them a lot.

My mum disowned by granny. Mum did not have a pleasant childhood. Her parents had both been very good looking when they were younger, and married young. Apparently before getting married, my gran's life was just socialising and parties, and she would go to bed for a nap every afternoon, so to be fresh for evening socialising..

My grandparents married after granny got pregnant, but the marriage soon broke down. According to my mum, it was a marriage in name only, and they lived separate lives. My grandmother was very narcisstic, and had various affairs and spent far too much money. The marriage ended in the 1960s, when mum and her brother were both teenagers. They both chose to live with their dad, rather than leave with mum. My granny went onto marry twice more.

Mum's brother severed ties with his mum, in his 20s, describing her as poison.

My mum tried to maintain a relationship, although her mum always knocked her confidence. Then, when my granny was in her 70s, she stole my mum's credit card, and spent 3k on it. Mum cut her out completely after this.

My mum thinks it was the best thing she ever did, and wished she'd done it years before. Granny has alzheimers now, and my mum is often told off by her aunt and cousins for being a terrible daughter, but shrugs her shoulders at them.

Have cut contact with both parents, Father 10 years ago and Mother 1 year ago (they are divorced). It has been tough but in so many ways a total relief.

A therapist helped hugely, she made me look at my right to having a decent life away from the vileness that is my parents. They won't change but I can live without them.

I do get pangs of guilt, I do worry what I am going to do when the call comes that one of them is very ill or how I will cope when they die - not sure why I worry about that, its weird.

Cutting contact creates a sense of grief in you, it is an irrational thing as in your heart you will know it is right but society is all about the family unit.

Morning the Mother you never had is also part of it, everyone's inner child just wants a Mum and for those of us who have never had this the need to be loved is so strong. Which I feel conversely that cutting ties gives you the right to choose to be loved.

I look at my DH and children and thank god that here is real love, my parents don't have a clue what that is.

I cut contact with my father 14 years ago.

For me, it was just that I couldn't do the "job" of being his DD. My father was always disapointed in me, even though I have always tried my absolute best with my life. I just didn't fit the job description of being his daughter. I wasn't what he ordered from the menu if you see what I mean. He was violent and cruel but I forgave him for years. But he wants too much and it was costing me to try to deliver. So, eventually I cut him out of my life.

There is grief, for a long time. You have to be prepared for the disowned parent to die and you have never made it up with them. I am at peace with that and my life is very much easier on a daily basis.

But as someone said upthread, society is built on family and I have found that we black sheep types do get lonely and no-one really cares as they are absorbed by their own family lives and often have no experience of a toxic parent.

I miss him. I love him. But he just cost me too dear, as he was allowed to behave appallingly whilst I have to conform to his unreasonable standards. There is a father shaped hole in my life where he should be, but to be honest it was always there. I just don't have the daily problems like I did years ago.

I know I did the right thing.

I have cut contact with my "mother" and sisters. First time for five years, but I never resolved anything in my own mind.

My "mother" appeared on my doorstep just before christmas 2008, and in the following 18 months, poisoned my very existence. She actively has tried to have my children removed, believes that I am evil and "must be stopped", she pretty much destroyed my marriage, but we found her out. We still separated for most of last year, but are back together now. She is seriously mentally ill, which is very sad, but it is sad that bears are locked in cages in Romania. You wouldn't unlock the cage and hug one would you?

My older sister I now know, is one of the most sadistic, evil monsters that anyone could know. She even went to burn someone's house down because she didn't get her own way, she was caught and convicted. My little sister, a barrister no less, thinks that it's perfectly acceptable to keep a twelve year old out all night and give them alcohol, and has class A drugs lying around her home. Because I challenged this, and dared to be angry, I have a persecution complex!

I have had therapy, inner child therapy, which has helped enormously. Right now, the enormity of the of the abuse, and the length of time I endured it, have finally been brought home to me. The grief, anger, sadness etc completely overwhelm me.

I probably have c-ptsd, have terrible "triggers" of unimaginable terror and an overwhelming desire to hide. I have dreadful nightmares most nights.

Even SS and children's services have advised me to not let my dc's anywhere near any of them. Mumsnet has helped me enormously, especially the lovely grace.

I will never have anything to do with any of them ever again.

Didn't do it but should have. Mother was a grade A bitch who left me needing pills and therapy. Fortunately, she died before she could start playing her own special brand of Mind Fuck on DS. If you have kids, think about whether you are OK with them doing to them what they did to you.

gymbunnynot

Cutting contact creates a sense of grief in you, it is an irrational thing as in your heart you will know it is right but society is all about the family unit.

I do get pangs of guilt, I do worry what I am going to do when the call comes that one of them is very ill or how I will cope when they die - not sure why I worry about that, its weird

OMG! You really understand - that has made me cry.
it must be normal i havn't explored this with my therapist yet, but i will jot this down for our next weekly session xxx

Coming at this from another angle. If you do disown people, at least have the guts to tell them why. DH and his mother were disowned by his DSis 18 years ago without a word. He has asked her over and over why, but she won't speak to him or write and tell him. When their mother died, DSis wouldn't even go to her deathbed to sort things out.

This has absolutely tortured my DH - he often cries about having no-one left in his family any more (his DF and another DSis died many years before). Also our DC have missed a connection with a whole branch of their family all of their lives - which is very sad.

So, if you do take such a drastic step, please think it through. Especially the idea that if the disowned people die, you can never make it up with them again.

Pandamoanium whilst I understand how hard it has been for your DH, his DS must have had a fairly major reason to do what she did. To have to go through the reasons why she has taken the course she choose may well have been too overwhelmingly difficult for her.

I know for me to have to sit down with my Mother and rationalise why I can no longer have her in my life would quite possibly see me end up in the funny farm. The chance of her turning nasty, threatening suicide etc etc are so huge that why would I put myself through that? She has caused such damage to me, and I believe somewhere in her she knows why this has happened, if she doesn't, well, sorry, my mental health and the well being of my little family matter more to me

Don't ever say to someone considering a break in their family 'have the guts to tell them why,' it takes a monumental effort to cut contact and often comes from a very dark and difficult place. Real guts come from making the break and finding the strength to go it alone.

Just before I log off for the night, apologies if funny farm might offend, I typed without thinking. I have a very black sense of humour re my mental health - sometimes when things are really bad its the only way to be.

Positivesteps, good luck and Youaretonice, sorry if I upset you, hope you are ok

I am in the middle of this now. It has took a while to realise they don't love me and one of sisters is doing everything she can to fuck up my life.

gymbunnynot No! Thank you. It is such a relief to see i am not the ONLY person in the world without family. PHEW!! x