Has anyone disowned their Parents ?

[positivesteps]

Just wondering how you cope with dis owning family members?

Do you feel better for doing it ?

positivesteps - yes it is hard and yes i miss him. i would be lying if i said there weren't good times with my dad because there were. he took me out alot (classic flippin stately homes thread type stuff i suppose) and made sure i had someone to play with. i alot of ways he tried his best and if i'd never got any older maybe things would have been ok but i did so they couldn't.

my mum tried very hard to be impartial and has never tried to guide me away from him which given what she went through makes me respect her more than you can possibly imagine. she witheld a great deal until quite recently and then it only came out because i was writing a paper on divorce. it was just one statement 'in the beginiing i used to call the police but your father would answer the door and convince them it was all fuss about nothing' - this set me back in a big way. i might have softened toward him otherwise. as an adult in a marriage of my own it makes me so bloody angry what he put us through and more so that he can't accept that it was all his fault and not a normal family situation.

i have had various counselling and all that ever happens is i talk about my dad at length. its as if i'm kidding myself that problems i have had were to do with other thing but actually it all comes down to him and my childhood. its exhausting.

however now contact is over i feel free of all this angst most of the time. i do talk about it to my dh and my mother form time to time but its just a past tense thing now - in a good way

Pandamoanium - my parents know why and my sis actually disowned me! So the only guts needed is to carry on. Everybodies situation is different.

Hi,

Thanks everyone for your replies . Its nice to have people to share this with because nobody understands the pain it causes. My husband doesnt because his family are all okay with him and gernerally are nice people. It must be hard for him to see me going through this too. How does your men/ other family/ friends cope with it? I identify with all of you, Not so much the physical side that must be awful but the more emotional side.
It can cause a distance between me and him after mum or sister having nasty episodes at me which are constant.
I actually feel sick tonight and really down.

Had a few episodes with both this week. Mum on Mothers Day. She also tries to control my life and tells me what to do. Sister was yesterday and it has resulted in nasty exchanges she basically went off on one because she came round knocked on my door and I was in but didnt here it. She sent nasty texts, picking on my weaknesses. I have problems with panic attacks and anxiety and she has brought this into it to have a go which I think is cruel when I struggle badly with it eg everyone thinks this about you and says I have no friends etc and calling my husband. Basically knocking me down. she gets bored in the day so wants me to drop everything for her and kids and to stop my work and if i dont she becomes a bully.
Tbh i dont always feel like seeing her because when I do she is nasty to me, only thinks of herself, negative but I love the kids and it is so hard. She only wants to see me so I will babysit or if shes bored.

I have a younger sister too and she lives with my mum and now she is ignoring me due to my mum and I grew up with her (like a second mum to her) If mum isnt the centre of attention and controlling things she will try and do anything to make sure I dont get on with anyone else in the family. She lies and manipulates things in order to get her own way. I feel awful about this as i dont want to lose her. In my world my family is important and I try to treat them well even though they dont to me.

she always makes everything seem like its my fault if i stand up to her and then lies to everybody else to make me look bad. I really dont need this.

I do feel alot of grief tonight that they have treated me badly and then I am left feeling hurt with not much support.
I think its more the mind games and emotional things with me, why cant it just be more peaceful. It must be hard with physical abuse too.

Its good that we can talk about this on here.

Close to.
My Mother was just awful during the divorce of my marriage and been not good since.
Attacks towards me many a time... and never been supportive and loving.
She got an injunction towards me; to do with a boyfriend i had after my marriage...
arguments and physical attacks...etc etc.
She is now getting Dementia...!

Like some of you said yes we have a few good times and you look back over this and the past. Most times though when i do go out with my mum somewhere now she throws in a dig or somethings not good enough so I just get angry as I am fed up! She has created a bad life for herself by treating people like crap. She doesnt like her partner but then made him lose contact with all his family and children. She has run up more and more debts. She has always done this over the years even when she was with dad, but it was her who had a affair. She left dad with all debts. Then has been with several men introducing them to the family so soon and then moving them in within a few months and we had to move areas. Its been tough over the years for us and younger sister. she hates her job but then had many opportunites with money and her career.

She is very very bitter and hates it that I have flown the nest(mind you this was 7 years ago. ) because her controls gone. She had an argument with my husband the other night and she sent me a text saying this is for my husband and it said how he has controlled me and wont let me see friends and family and hes taken her little princess away and she said "shes mine" not yours which i thought was way over the top. I dont think she can get over the control thing but I also think she hates to see me having a nice life. My husband has a good job and our lifestyles good but she cant seem to bear that.

the way i see it, positivesteps, is that i feel like i deserve to be treated like an adult by my adult family members. and that means dealing with things in a reasonable, calm way. actually my tolerance is much higher because of my dad. my aunt had a bit of a strop recently and my mum (her sister) was up in arms about it. i said 'fgs she is nice 90% of the time, just humour her' - what i mean is i'm so much more forgiving because i really know what unreasonable means

This has been a difficult topic for me also. I disowned my father since I was old enough to understand how much of an inconsiderate failure he was. When I was 18, I disowned my mother because she tried to manipulate me in such a way that I would never have had a life of my own. She would be spiteful and vindictive other nothing apart from the fact that I was showing a greater sense of independence. My brother later disowned me because he wanted to stay in my mothers good books. I thought we would never reunite but we have.

My mum has since been honest with me about what happened to her in the past and even though she should have been stronger and not taken it out on me, I know she's only human. My father is a different story because he is a ridiculous person and a shit father and an even shitter grandfather who only cares for himself. I got in touch with him in 2008 after 13 years to see if we could patch things up. After several months of bullshit I stopped answering his calls.

The thing is, it depends on a lot of things. Some family conflicts seem awful in the heat of the moment, but over time things can get better. As many people have advised therapy will help.

You need to carefully consider this, but also remember that being family does not give them the right to abuse you emotionally or physically. Stay positive and focus on your own life. If they want to make things better they will try harder

I have disowned two people in my family, the woman who raised me (not my birth/stepmother) and my half sister.

The woman was/is a member of an odd religious cult and raised me within it - they recognise no personal boundaries and my childhood was horrendous. I cut her off a couple of years after I had children as she started sending hate mail to them in birthday and xmas cards. She is completely narcissistic and takes no prisoners, I could write pages about the random and terrible things she has done.

My half sister - lied about being sexually abused by another family member. She made a formal complaint to police about it; it was investigated and concrete evidence was found to prove she was lying. She then wrote to all his neighbours, work collegues and friends stating he was a paedophile; she was charged and convicted by the police. She did all this because she wanted money from him and refused to take no for an answer.

My children are far too valuable to me for me to expose them to this type of insanity so I chose to break contact, and it's been that way for many years. I do feel sad that things couldn't have worked out better, but there is only so far you can go.

"hates it that I have flown the nest" so did my mum. She was constantly talking about me moving back in with ds (leaving dh - dp as he was then behind, though grudgingly admitted he could come if pushed). Talking about how they would convert the attic 'just in case' even though I told them it was not happening.

Dh is very supportive but mostly cos he despises my family and won't allow them anywhere near his our children. He doesn't have what I have which are memories of the good times.

For me it was shockingly easy considering my mom and I were VERY close for most of my life. Short as possible version: My parents divorced when I was young. My mom badmouthed my dad, he didn't badmouth her or even defend himself. Her words became facts in my mind. This is the view I was brought up with. Fast forward a couple decades - I'm married and have kids. My mom hates my wife because she can't do anything right in her eyes. Our kids are brats despite everyone else who's ever met them going out of their way to say the opposite. Basically, we suck at [everything imaginable]. It took me a very long time to learn that my mom was what you called a "toxic personality". And after a particularly condensed string of occurrences of insulting me, my wife and my kids ... I type an email, delete it ... more insults ... I type an email, delete it ... more insults ... I type an email ... I hit send before I have a chance to chicken out this time. I not only "talked back" to my mom for the first time in my life, I blew my friggin' stack and told her that she wasn't welcome around my kids unsupervised (she had been badmouthing us to our kids), and we didn't want her around period unless she could accept us for who we are. She took that as being "kicked out of our lives", so she set the distance and the time. Since then I often look back at the past through NON-mom-colored glasses and I see all of the stories through a different cast member's eyes now. She destroyed any chance of a relationship my dad and I had. At this point, he could care less if I exist, I'm 45, and it's a little late to play catch. My "evil stepmom" turns out to have been the best parent of the three. Everything is different now. Since the blow up, I've had almost NO inclination to change things. I have to keep hearing from other relatives that, "but she's your MOTHER" like that's an excuse for her to do whatever she wants and I have to take it. Nuh-uh. Every once in awhile, I think, "eh, maybe I should bury the hatchet..." all I have to do is go back and read her insults. Nope, I'm good. Truthfully, it's been the most peaceful year and a half ever. I'm not really "mad" anymore, but I have no interest in bringing back such a black cloud into my life. She will be the same version of who she is ti the day she dies, and that version of her I have zero interest in being around.

Is it always the parent who is in the wrong? I have difficult DD. I have been very upset due to death, I am physically disabled which is not a nice life. I have been criticised, moaned at, emotionally destructed, my health made joke of. DD is constantly wanting money. Said I am not being a mother to refuse. She has shunned me for this. This is not the treatment I expected from DD. She has partner but seems worse financially for that.
I am building my confidence and character. I am dressing and making up face, new clothes.
I am sad but I was being put down constantly

ZOMBIE THREAD

How did it comeback then?

No idea She, but the user before you was the first person to comment since 2011

Thanks for that info. I see that now. I will be more wary.

Yes I did , I disowned my mother and step-dad. It hurts but honestly it's a relief. They were very nasty people, I bent over backwards to help them through some very difficult times and they basically threw it in my face. There were always difficulties along the way. Since I am out from their influence my little family has its life back.
I don't feel the constant disapproval of EVERYTHING I do , everywhere I take my kids ( kids clubs , days out etc).
Things are much less stressful.
I don't miss THEM, more like I miss what I HOPED they could have been ( good grandparents , caring parents , just genuinely nice people to spend time with).
I'm coming to terms with the fact that no matter how many chances I give them or how much effort I put in it will never change.
We have our own autonomy back, we are free and happier.

Yes, well I don't see my situation as 'disowning' them but I'm between no and low contact with my parents and no contact with sis.

I feel much better having no contact with them as when there's contact it opens up old wounds, causes more hurt (lack of warmth, love, affection nothing nice to say) they are a real negative drain on my emotional health and when I realised this I was much happier in myself.

My mother and I never bonded, she had a quick succession of pregnancies after I came along (4 kids) and no time for me individually. My sis fought for attention by being sly and manipulative and learned this trick to freeload her way through her life.

My mother is evil and toxic, the realisation that I'll never have the mother I craved so much as a child and younger adult has worn off now and I feel nothing but blank towards her now.

She is 70 this year and I have made my peace with the fact I may not see her again before she dies.

You are not alone op.

Oh my god! lucielucie it's like you just wrote my life down apart from my mum only had 2 kids and I was first! Such a good thread to find I had to comment. I stopped seeing mine about a year ago now. Mum, dad and sister. Total bunch of uncaring narcisstic individuals.

Since being free I am finally free of an eating disorder that has plagued me for years. Not only did I remove "close" family but also some toxic "friends". Surround yourself with happy people and especially those who will not negatively harm your children. I will never let them get to my little one bow they did to me. I'm breaking the chain of abuse.

ZOMBIE THREAD ARISE!