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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help me figure this guy out.

28 replies

lem73 · 07/04/2011 22:26

My 8 year old son has played for a football team for the last two years. I've had a strong crush on one of the dads for quite a while. We're both married. I'm not proud of my feelings and I wouldn't act on them. However, I would like to figure out what he thinks of me. We also both take our kids to the same swimming lessons and when I meet him there he is very friendly. However, when I see him at the football, he can sometimes completely ignore me. Two nights ago at swimming we had a really good chat and I felt we were becoming good friends. However, tonight when we picked up the kids from footy he completely blanked me and chose to speak to other parents. I don't know why he couldn't even say hello to me. He's been doing that kind of thing for quite a while. It used to bother me but recently I've started to wonder if he doesn't want to talk to me in front of other mutual friends because he has feelings too. There have been quite a few times I've caught him looking at me. Also, this is hard to explain, the looks in his eyes when he sees me makes me feel he is attracted to me. He also asks me lots of questions about my personal life which makes me feel he wants to know me better.
I promise, I would never act on these feelings. I would just like to understand what he thinks of me.I would really like to know why he is very friendly when we are alone but cold when we are with other people. I like him a lot as a person and would be happy with friendship but this on and off things is bugging me.

OP posts:

BluddyMoFo · 07/04/2011 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MerryMarigold · 07/04/2011 22:30

Why does it make any difference what he thinks of you. Suppose he does like you. Is that going to make it easier or harder for you to say, "I am being ridiculous" and let it go. You're better off not knowing, and you're best of not caring what he thinks at all.

Anniegetyourgun · 07/04/2011 22:44

If you are not proud of your feelings and would never act on them, why does it matter whether he has feelings too? Best if he doesn't. Otherwise things could get far too complicated. Do yourself (and your DH, and his DW, and the children of both couples) a favour, keep your distance.

Mind you I'm not saying there's anything wrong or shameful about a crush as such. I'm sure we've all been there. But this dwelling on does he, doesn't he, and trying to maintain a close friendship with someone you have those sort of feelings for, is somewhat unhealthy. One of these days you'll come on here crying "OMG what have I done, it just sort of happened, we couldn't stop ourselves, now it's such a mess" - and the only true part of that sentence will be the last bit. Anyway would you really be so fond of someone who would be prepared to cheat on his wife with another married woman? Of course you wouldn't. So... just don't go there. Sorted.

Bassett22 · 07/04/2011 22:55

Agree with other posters. If you don't want him there's no reason to follow this up. Ask yourself honestly why you care what he thinks about you.

Original poster

lem73 · 07/04/2011 23:11

Thanks for your honest advice. I definitely need to keep my distance from him, if only for my own sanity.

OP posts:

boxingHelena · 07/04/2011 23:17

since you asked
I dont see anything odd in the way he is acting
married man may find available (potentially) married woman would try to figure out to what degree she is available while nobody is looking (like on the pitch)

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 07/04/2011 23:33

He may simply be chatting to you in a friendly fashion when there's no one else around because you are another warm body to talk to.
Or he may be scoping you out to see if you are available because he is a fannyrat with a string of affairs behind him.

BitOfFun · 07/04/2011 23:41

It sounds like he fancies you. But if you aren't going to act on, it makes no difference, does it?

Original poster

lem73 · 07/04/2011 23:54

If a friend of me told me she felt like this, I'd tell her to get over it fast. I've never had doubts about my husband and I'm satisfied with my life. I've had other ratbag dads at school try their luck with me but I knocked them back. But then I met this guy and I'm getting to know him better and better. Sometimes I think 'what if?' I enjoy his company and admire him as a person. I think I'll have to be very disciplined and try hard to avoid seeing him.

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 08/04/2011 00:10

Well, I guess you aren't immune to the old lust genie- but it doesn't mean that you are helpless in its grip.

BluddyMoFo · 08/04/2011 00:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitOfFun · 08/04/2011 00:29

Maybe. Hard to say, really.

BluddyMoFo · 08/04/2011 00:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeterAndreForPM · 08/04/2011 07:32

Well, there is two explanations here

he does fancy you
you are living in a fantasy world, and making a cock of yourself

Either way, if you say you will not take things further why are you using so much headspace wondering "what if"? You need to be honest with yourself, I think

A little fantasy to make the day pass quicker is one thing, but the way you are sounding, if he made a move, you sound like you are open to some serious approval and flattery ad that could be quite a risky situation for you

How would you feel if your own husband was mooning over another woman like this ? Would you be happy about it ? Would you like him to be thinking of ways he could talk to her/get closer to her ? Or would you want him to accept there is an attraction and keep his distance ?

ChupaChups · 08/04/2011 08:20

Who cares?

If he's married and he's after you then he's a tosser. I wouldn't bother thank you very much. Why make your life difficult?

exhausted2011 · 08/04/2011 08:57

ok, if you change this around, and it was a woman and you wanted to be friends and she blanked you sometimes, would you be so worried?

The fact is, you fancy this guy and you want to know if he fancies you too.
Dangerous, very dangerous and stupid. sorry

Smum99 · 08/04/2011 09:08

My view is that he doesn't fancy you..when it's convenient to talk he does, when he's surrounded by other people he doesn't.

What's missing in your relationship with your hubby? This man has triggered something in you that has made you dissatisfied, figure out what that is.

Original poster

lem73 · 08/04/2011 09:09

Exhausted2011 you are absolutely right. If it was a woman who treated me like that, I wouldn't think twice. And as a few people pointed out, I may be building things up a bit too much in my own mind. Thanks for giving me a reality check everyone :)

OP posts:

PeterAndreForPM · 08/04/2011 12:34

You are welcome

Nothing wrong with a bit of harmless fantasy but getting hurt when he doesn't make a fuss of you and engineering ways to get closer to him is a dangerous path..

MaxDancer · 15/04/2011 17:02

Lem, I know how you feel. Once a week a go dancing on my own because DH does not dance. One of my dancing partners has such synchronicity that I often wonder about him. But we are both married and have nothing in common, so that's how I shall leave it.

springydaffs · 15/04/2011 23:02

OP you're pissing me off. YOu say you have no intention of going there, yet you are quite happy to not only give this (unavailable x2) man serious headspace, you're posting on a vast internet site ffs, asking people if we think he fancies you (are you 13?). Why do you want to know? Why are you dragging people into this? We all have fancies with people, are attracted to people, but you simply do.not.go.there, apart from privately taking the compliment and looking the other way, totally. You are exactly the type of person who 'falls' into an affair and says 'oh! it just happened!'. Your post has pissed me off big time. Maybe you need to see an affair up close, see how totally wrecked everybody around it is, like a nuclear fallout. Gosh, your post has seriously pissed me off!

seachange · 16/04/2011 09:11

What daffs said. I only read the first couple of sentences of your OP before all I wanted to do was post lots of FFS and

Just forget about him before the two of you destroy everything

DontGoCurly · 16/04/2011 17:22

To me it sounds like he is working on wanting YOU to fancy HIM. How these types work is, when it's just the two of you he chats you up, makes you feel special and flattered. You start daydreaming about your 'connection' 'chemistry' and 'special vibe'.

Then when there are others around he blanks you. You wonder why and speculate that it must be because of his out of control 'feelings' for you. He daren't aknowledge you as your chemistry and connection is so special and dangerous that others would immediately notice and a scandal would ensue.

(Never mind that he's probably doing it because he's chatting up some other poor chump)

He has the best of all worlds, you there vying and rubbernecking at him hoping for more contact and him feeling the warm thrill of having scored your interest and teasing you. He probably has a few others on the go too. Some people just do this compulsively.

If I were you I'd snap out of it. You're not star crossed lovers or anything. He's just someone you fancy and he fancies you and/or is using you for a narcissistic thrill.

DontGoCurly · 16/04/2011 17:23

(Never mind that he's probably doing it (blanking you) because he's chatting up some other poor chump)

vjg13 · 16/04/2011 17:57

I think you're right Don'tgocurly, he's a bit of a player and wants to have women lusting after him.

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