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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Have never been to my partner's flat.

66 replies

IamBlue · 06/04/2011 23:45

Hi all, have been with my dp for four years now but i have never been to his flat as he says its a tip and I do believe him.

But he is at mine all the time. I quite understand about his flat but wonder if anyone else has this? He is divorced, has 3 kids and goes away to see them every other weekend, very busy job etc. I have met the children. He has just lost his job and is probably going to move to be near dcs as wont be able to pay the train fares up and down.

I am gutted tbh.

OP posts:

Snowdropfairy · 07/04/2011 15:52

I think you sound depressed tbh.

If you were on your own and started looking for love what is to say you could not end up a step mother?

Life has so much to offer if you just open up to it.

You do not have to be dependant upon a twat to feel good about yourself.

Ask yourself What are you getting out of this relationship that you could not get out of another relationship?

How do you know that you cant find someone else to love you if you havn't even looked?

Laquitar · 07/04/2011 17:25

You keep mentioning your age. HOW OLD ARE YOU? (yes i m shouting. Because from the word 'probably' in your last post i assume you are young)

HerHissyness · 07/04/2011 18:35

"I have a great job (though have come to loathe it)"

Does He have anything to do with you not liking your job? That happens in relationships like these.

You may not be depressed, but you certainly sound utterly RESIGNED.

Get up and fight woman! Fight for your LIFE, please!

inspireddance · 07/04/2011 18:45

4 Years!!! You don't know his address and he doesn't say he loves you! He's a mooch. Be glad he is moving!

lostinthejungle · 07/04/2011 19:16

If you're talking about "probably" not having any kids of your own, you can't be that old. That's what I'm saying and I'm 41!

Friend of mine told me a couple of days ago that her newly-retired mum (mid-60s?) has developed a relationship with an old friend. She says that she is "happier than she has ever seen her". I'll tell you, even I found that inspiring (currently trying to decide whether to leave husband). Seems to me, dear, that the odds you will be unhappier if you dump this guy are absolutely minimal. "Gutted" is not a good place to be, am I right?

Original poster

IamBlue · 08/04/2011 14:31

I'm 50 this year. I certainly don't feel fifty but it rules out kids. I said 'probably' because it lessens the feelings of certainty.

I am not that bothered that I have never seen where he lives. Not sure why, even though that's the title of my first post. I suppose that means it does bother me in some way.

I am thinking people are right now: the status quo just suits him. And having been through miles of crap himself he doesnt want to get 'married' or entangled like that again. And he is skint. He is the sensible one really. I am just a romantic maybe.

OP posts:

MilkandWine · 08/04/2011 15:18

Iamblue-Your other half not wanting to get married again does not make him 'sensible' anymore than you wanting to makes you a 'romantic'. It just makes you people with totally different priorities that frankly from what you have said do not sound compatible.

If you say you aren't bothered that you haven't seen where he lives then I think you are kidding yourself to be honest. There is a large part of this mans life which is a mystery to you and that does not form the basis of any meaningful relationship.

From what you have said it sounds like he needs you more than you need him and if he is still failing to give you what you want then that is not an acceptable situation.

You sound like a really nice person, don't let this guy drag you down and make you unhappy.

Earlybird · 08/04/2011 15:25

Many people who have been badly hurt want to connect with someone new, but the past damage that was done/fear of being hurt again casts a long and dark shadow over subsequent relationships.

IME, men with that 'baggage' often prefer to compartmentalise - it seems safer, and less complicated somehow if they keep the various parts of their lives separate. It is also very controlling.

Sweeping generalisations, I know, but perhaps relevant to your situation.

crystalglasses · 08/04/2011 15:31

I would be suspicious if he's never told you where he lives. He may live with another woman, or his parents. Find out his address and pay him a visit He clearly doesn't want you in his life full time. Do you know the address of his dc? How do you know he is separated from ex partner?

crystalglasses · 08/04/2011 15:32

How do you know he's skint? Do you know what he does for a living and where he works?

Original poster

IamBlue · 08/04/2011 15:48

Yes I do know what he does for a living and that is definitely confirmed as it is vaguely within my field. But he has just lost his job. This severely compromises his life and his ability to see his children.
He pays tons of maintenance to his ex wife and they live a long way away. He sees them fortnightly and it is challenging and expensive. I have met the dcs as I say so I know this to be the case. He is a very loving father and he is in a v difficult situation.

I agree, maybe he can compartmentalise. And yes, he is probably satisfied with things the way they are. But maybe I am using him too? I don 't know sometimes. I get what I need from it - though it's not anything as much as I would like... and yet it's unlikely I would find the whole package now so maybe I should make do and stop being a romantic sap.

The whole scenario of 'dump him and meet someone else who can truly love you and be with you and share your life properly, you deserve it' blah blah just sounds so trite to me now. Sometimes i think I should toughen up and get a bit more angry and feisty. But then, I can't change his situation can I. And if do get angry and I force him into a corner, what good is that for either of us?

OP posts:

Earlybird · 08/04/2011 16:13

Does he have to accommodate your life/needs in any way, or is it you doing all/most of the compromising? What i'm getting at - is your relationship mostly on his terms?

Do you think he is afraid of losing you? He is very clear that his complicated situation makes him a risky prospect. What, if anything, is he doing to nurture you and take care of the relationship?

Given that you work in vaguely the same industry, what do you think his prospects are for finding another job?

Finally - why did he lose his job?

zikes · 08/04/2011 16:30

This isn't something I'd usually suggest, but given the relatively low level of commitment between you (or at least from him), why not start looking for/dating other people? At least dipping your toe to see what's out there. You might be pleasantly surprised.

I don't think settling for what he's prepared to offer is better than being single 'tho.

madonnawhore · 08/04/2011 16:33

This is a total non-relationship.

OP I am worried that you sound really depressed. You need to boost your self esteem and the first step towards doing that is getting rid of this fuck buddy.

Stop calling yourself old and referring to yourself as if you're on the shelf. 50 is not old. You need to use kinder language when referring to yourself. Be nice to you.

MizzyDizzy · 08/04/2011 16:43

You are right OP...you can't change his situation...but unfortunately it does seem as if he wants to change the situation either.

He doesn't seem to be willing to challenge anything regarding his 'life' situation...it's as if he's lost his Oomph for everything and is just accepting it all as being a lost cause??

He seems very 'woe is me', regardless of losing his job...he still seems to lack any 'fight'...is he depressed...and tbh I agree with Snowdrop ^ up there...you sound very down in the dumps too.

I do wonder if him saying he's moving to be nearer his DC's is a bit of a 'get out' line, maybe he is looking for a fresh start in a new area?

Generally, though he just doesn't seem to hold you in the same regard as you do him...tbh I'd rather have no relationship than to settle for 'making do'.

Laquitar · 08/04/2011 17:05

50 is not old. One of my best friends met her dh at 52 and married last year at 54. They are having the time of their life! But she was available, you don't want to be.

Ok so there is no other woman. But it is still odd not to know where he lives. He is controlling the space between you. I might be wrong but maybe deep down the situation suits you too, maybe you like being with an unhappy and skint man?

Is any pattern there with your previous relationships?

I agree with those who said that you need to work on your self esteem.

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