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Original poster

Have never been to my partner's flat.

66 replies

IamBlue · 06/04/2011 23:45

Hi all, have been with my dp for four years now but i have never been to his flat as he says its a tip and I do believe him.

But he is at mine all the time. I quite understand about his flat but wonder if anyone else has this? He is divorced, has 3 kids and goes away to see them every other weekend, very busy job etc. I have met the children. He has just lost his job and is probably going to move to be near dcs as wont be able to pay the train fares up and down.

I am gutted tbh. Sad

OP posts:
Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 07/04/2011 06:58

If you're in a financial position to give up work and retire, and he's got a filthy flat and no job, then I wouldn't bank on him 'letting you go' anytime soon. He's got it coming and going, hasn't he?

How old is he, and how old are his kids? I'm having trouble understanding that his kids are still schoolage and yet you are old enough to retire/never meet another man.

chuffinheck · 07/04/2011 07:12

4 years and you don't know where he lives ?

I smell a very large rat.

gettingeasier · 07/04/2011 07:22

Same chuffin

Last time I heard a scenario like this there was a wife at the "flat"

PeterAndreForPM · 07/04/2011 07:31

You say you are "with" him, in a relationship

Would he say the same ?

I get the feeling he sees you as a rather pleasant "friend with benefits" and that is as far as it goes

I reckon there will be evidence in that "tip" of a flat (if it even exists) that will tell you a very different tale than the one you are currently being spun

atswimtwolengths · 07/04/2011 10:37

Why, WHY when you said you love him and he didn't respond likewise, did you say it again?

I agree with Peter Andre (never thought I'd say that) - I think there will be something in that tip that you really wouldn't like.

Do you know the address? It can be quite easy to find out someone's address online (www.192.com) and it does list all the residents, too. You might have to pay a couple of pounds but only when you want to see the details.

MooMooFarm · 07/04/2011 10:42

You're not in a relationship with this man, you are somewhere for him to stay and get a free shag. Sorry but that's the way it looks to an outsider. How has he possibly managed to not even give you his address in four years?

And you deserve to be with someone who can bring themselves to say they love you after four years!

He's right that he's not much of a catch, I'll give him that! Get rid, move on, and find someone who is. And do whatever you can to build your self-esteem a bit.

Good luck.

HerHissyness · 07/04/2011 10:43

This guy is either spinning you a line, or he is telling you how he is, either way he is one to DUMP. Now!

FOUR years?

He has convinced you somehow that this is all you are worth? You have just wasted 4 years of your life on someone who probably has another family or doesn't even HAVE a flat.

Have you met his FAMILY? His parents? or are they conveniently dead?

ginnny · 07/04/2011 10:46

You've already given him 4 years of your life - don't waste another second on him.
Go and find someone who can give you everything you deserve and commit to you fully.
if you ask me you have had a lucky escape.

Ephiny · 07/04/2011 10:49

I think it's quite bizarre that you don't even know his address after four years! That would be odd even if he was just a close platonic friend and not your 'partner'. Even if it was just a casual relationship which neither of you wanted/expected to lead to marriage or similar, surely it requires a deliberate effort on his part to conceal where he lives for so long, it would normally just come up somehow.

I don't know whether he's hiding something (though would strongly suspect this) or just trying to keep you at arm's length generally, but either way it doesn't sound like a situation I'd like to be in.

Do you ever socialise with his friends, get invited to family events together etc? Have you been introduced to his parents or other relatives?

ChristinedePizan · 07/04/2011 10:50

You've got money and no commitments. The world is your oyster. Dump this loser - he's using you. Why is it going to hurt less if you wait for him to chuck you? You might find that actually taking some control over your life does wonders for your self-esteem.

Look at yourself in the mirror every morning and tell yourself you're fabulous and great. Then book an activity holiday and see how many other like-minded interesting, smart and good people there are out there.

However old you are, you are never too old to settle for anyone who doesn't treat you like they're lucky to have you in their life.

emsyj · 07/04/2011 10:50

Why are you too old to meet someone nice and normal who will treat you well and with whom you can be happy? You say you would like to retire, so I am guessing you are 55-65, which is NOT OLD FFS. FWIW, my mum is 72 and has a lovely DP whom she met after a couple of years of dating a number of men following her divorce aged 63. She has never had a problem getting a date and she is very ordinary, not a great beauty or wealthy or anything.

emmymoomoo · 07/04/2011 10:58

4 years and you don't know his address. What utter bollocks. This is not a relationship.

This man has been using you, for bed, board and sex whilst he is in London for work and returning to his family and wife every other weekend. He is now returning to his family.

Don't be gutted, celebrate getting rid.

stopandthink · 07/04/2011 11:02

I know of someone in a frighteningly similar situation (have name changed for this post just in case) and so I will give you the same advice....

Darling, run for the hills. Even if he has told you the truth about his life, (which in my friends case I do believe to be true) this man is never going to settle down, he is never going to love you for who you are but for what you can offer him ie nice lodgings and an easy life. He may like you, he may even wish he could love you - but who knows and frankly who cares - he will never be the person you want him to be.

Please please please move on with your life. Like my friend I'm willing to bet you are an attractive, articulate and good person and you will find the right person but to do so you have to move on.

Sorry if this sounds a bit personal and emotional but as I say I've had this conversation many times before with my friend and it breaks my heart to see her go through this. I'm sure you've had friends say the same thing.

zikes · 07/04/2011 11:15

Oh dear, I'm afraid it sounds to me like he's been lying to you all along and actually might still married or is in another relationship.

After 4 years, you should have had more from him by now if it was going to work out. Sad

Don't give up on a happy love-life in the future, just not with this man.

ebbandflow · 07/04/2011 11:17

I don't think you have wasted your time like others are saying OP-I am sure that you have got enjoyment out of this relationship. It just sounds like the man isn't going to commit to you as 'stopandthink' advises. You can find someone else.

madonnawhore · 07/04/2011 11:20

He doesn't love you.

He doesn't want you in his life.

He wants to be with you when it suits him.

He has probably been living with his family and carrying on as normal this whole time.

Ditch him and start living your life on your terms. He certainly isn't making you happy.

Being on your own is better than being with someone who treats you like shit.

wubblybubbly · 07/04/2011 11:34

OP, does he contribute financially to his upkeep at your place? Buy food, pay for gas/elec, phone calls etc? Who does the washing/ironing/cooking?

Do you really think being on your own would be worse than this?

My Mum is 62 and has recently started dating again. She's having a ball. Get out there and start living!

Laquitar · 07/04/2011 11:35

I agree with Christine that you are in a very good position having money and no commitments. Makes it easier to be in charge of your life, get rid of him and forget him.

Go to the travel board woman Grin read the threads and get inspiration. Or let us choose for you. You can start with a short break hmmm...Paris, Dublin, Rome..? Then a holiday in Med, maybe Greek Islands? Then start planning something bigger for next year, let me see...Asia? Cuba? Mexico?

In the meantime open up for new friendships, meet new people, try new things, let people know what area you are in maybe someone here fancys to meet up for lunch.... Honestly it is huge advantage that you don't have money problems, why waste your time and energy with him?

It will feel great to be in charge!

MizzyDizzy · 07/04/2011 11:46

I had a friend who's boyfriend used the same 'excuse' for never inviting her to his flat......the truth was there was no flat....he was basically homeless dosing at his place of work and basically bankrupt.

He did have an ex wife and kids, which my friend knew about and he did see the kids every other weekend...never over night just day trips on a Saturday and Sunday, he said the ex wife wouldn't allow him the kids overnight - which turned out to be a lie....he didn't have them overnight as he had no home for them to sleep in!

The relationship with his ex wife had been over for years...so there was no OW...just a whole load of other deceptions involved.

merrywidow · 07/04/2011 12:04

i'd put money on the fact he hasn't even got a flat.

please don't devalue yourself any longer, get rid

NettleTea · 07/04/2011 12:17

Blimey. My OH isnt very forthcoming with the proclaimations of love, he lives elsewhere in an old caravan on his parent's farm, it IS a tip, (though gets a blitz every so often!) but I have always been welcome to go and visit him at any time, even though we spend most of our time together at my house. Even when he had no where to live and stayed at his ex girlfriend's house I was welcome to drop by any time. I think I would be very suspicious if I didnt know where he lived or if he wouldnt let me visit......
That and the 'not really knowing what he wants' doesnt sound too great tbh

atswimtwolengths · 07/04/2011 13:30

Can I ask you what stopped you from saying, "So tidy it up. I'll be round tomorrow night."?

Bumblequeen · 07/04/2011 14:46

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
IamBlue · 07/04/2011 15:14

Thanx for your perspectives.
Yes I have met his family and I have met his dcs. He had an acrimonious divorce so have not met his former wife.
His sister says his flat is a tip too.
It's such a hard decision. I will probably not have children of my own now, so it's not even a case of 'find someone else you can start a family with before its too late.'
He is a lovely man and we do get on very well. He is in a horrendous position really and i suppose he has always been honest about his situation. I think i am resigned to the fact it's not going anywhere. But I can't face more heartache. Yet.
Dont know why I seem to have poor self-esteem. I have a great job (though have come to loathe it) and a lovely flat, lots of really good close friends. Sad

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 07/04/2011 15:25

well he obviously isn't a "partner" if you don't even know where he lives. At best he's a casual boyfriend. If that suits you and you are happy with it then fine if not then move on. He isn;t changign it because he's quite content with the staus quo.

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