Sorry, its been a rough few months. Dp and I have been having a difficult time lately and I put it down to his job etc. He was abusive towards me in before and during xmas acting really awful. blaming me for everything....really difficult to live with.
Then in march Found out dp was having an affair with a work colleage - it was a total shock. I suffered from post traumatic stress it was so awful.
Dp claims to not have had sex or physical contact - as he has turned out to be a total liar I have no idea what is true.....it doesnt matter now anyway.
Anyway he said he wanted be with me and dd 2 and supposedly ended the relationship.
We went to councelling. We agreed that it was best to try and work on our relationship for dd and were supposed to be talking in a couple of months about how it was going
He just didn't really try. He blames me for so many things. his arguments are one sided. I have accepted some responsibility for the breakdown of the relationship. He has used every thing I have said against me. He seems to hate me so much.
He refused to answer most of my questions and I kept finding things that didnt add up and it was driving me crazy that he kept lying and lying even when caught.
He also continued to behave in a secretive way - locked phone....fueling my paranoia - I took the bait every time and made things worse.
On sunday he was so horrible and at the end of the day just said, 'I don't love you anymore and i dont want to be with you' And he totally meant it. I was so shocked and unprepared for it.
For some reason I am just unable to process this propery!
He is moving out asap. He is cold and unemotional ( because he doesnt want to be wth me ) But all I want is a hug and reassurance.
What is going on here? I need to toughen up but I feel that I never got the chance to explain how he was part of the breakdown of our relationship. I feel like I am shouldering all the blame.
Its so hard. I feel so upset and keep crying over and over every day.
How long does it take to pick yourself up after this happens?
I am scared of being alone. I hate dp but I also wish he would turn round and change his mind.
Its so weird to have feelings for someone who has hurt you so badly - and behaved so selfishly.
Its such an awful feeling of rejection. so painful. I feel like I am worthless now.
I also know that its probably for the best...
I just keep panicking about everything from him having a new girlfriend, sharing custody, will he resent us for having to support us when clearly he wants to just start over.
Arrrgghhhhh I just wish I could fast forward.
Oh yes he wants to keep things amicable for dd......