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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can anyone help me get through dp leaving?

54 replies

awfulweeks · 06/04/2011 23:14

Sorry, its been a rough few months. Dp and I have been having a difficult time lately and I put it down to his job etc. He was abusive towards me in before and during xmas acting really awful. blaming me for everything....really difficult to live with.
Then in march Found out dp was having an affair with a work colleage - it was a total shock. I suffered from post traumatic stress it was so awful.
Dp claims to not have had sex or physical contact - as he has turned out to be a total liar I have no idea what is true.....it doesnt matter now anyway.
Anyway he said he wanted be with me and dd 2 and supposedly ended the relationship.
We went to councelling. We agreed that it was best to try and work on our relationship for dd and were supposed to be talking in a couple of months about how it was going
He just didn't really try. He blames me for so many things. his arguments are one sided. I have accepted some responsibility for the breakdown of the relationship. He has used every thing I have said against me. He seems to hate me so much.
He refused to answer most of my questions and I kept finding things that didnt add up and it was driving me crazy that he kept lying and lying even when caught.
He also continued to behave in a secretive way - locked phone....fueling my paranoia - I took the bait every time and made things worse.
On sunday he was so horrible and at the end of the day just said, 'I don't love you anymore and i dont want to be with you' And he totally meant it. I was so shocked and unprepared for it.
For some reason I am just unable to process this propery!
He is moving out asap. He is cold and unemotional ( because he doesnt want to be wth me ) But all I want is a hug and reassurance.
What is going on here? I need to toughen up but I feel that I never got the chance to explain how he was part of the breakdown of our relationship. I feel like I am shouldering all the blame.
Its so hard. I feel so upset and keep crying over and over every day.
How long does it take to pick yourself up after this happens?
I am scared of being alone. I hate dp but I also wish he would turn round and change his mind.
Its so weird to have feelings for someone who has hurt you so badly - and behaved so selfishly.
Its such an awful feeling of rejection. so painful. I feel like I am worthless now.
I also know that its probably for the best...
I just keep panicking about everything from him having a new girlfriend, sharing custody, will he resent us for having to support us when clearly he wants to just start over.
Arrrgghhhhh I just wish I could fast forward.
Oh yes he wants to keep things amicable for dd......

OP posts:
Original poster
awfulweeks · 07/04/2011 21:00

The weird thing about the abusive behavior is that it was bad at Xmas and I spoke to counsellor. She was genuinely worried about his behavior and the effect it was having on me.
Now after having spoken to ex she has said that i am paranoid and controlling. There has not yet been any mention of his abusive behavior.
I need to find out what all that was about really. It's been bothering me.
I am no pushover but I do feel that my behavior was mostly a reaction to his if you see what I mean.
I have lots of things to sort out in my head. The worst thing is knowing that I will never have any answers.

OP posts:
exhausted2011 · 07/04/2011 21:03

hang on, your counsellor spoke to your ex, and now the counsellor says you are paranoid and controlling?

PeterAndreForPM · 07/04/2011 21:04

your counsellor told you that you were paranoid and controlling ???

wtf ???

molemesseskilledIpom · 07/04/2011 21:04

She doesnt sound very good to be honest. Councellors are supposed to on the fence and see things from both points of view. She seems to jump from one side of the fence to the other without thinking.

Did she give you reasons why she thought that it was your fault?

Original poster
awfulweeks · 07/04/2011 21:10

So tonight he texted me at 8pm to say he is late at work at an event. The so called event is part of OW,s dept. ( they work at same company)
I am sure the text is sent to make me feel nervous.
I just want to go there and see if they are together. I just hate him so much for doing this....I was having an ok evening until I read the txt. Even ate dinner and was just off for my lavender bath.
How do you get past the not knowing? The constant suspicion.....
I keep getting mad ideas to stake him out or hire a private detective!
Its so bonkers....I am sure it wouldnt change anything now or make me feel better!

OP posts:
welshbyrd · 07/04/2011 21:11

Does not sound very good? she sounds completely unprofessional, an a bit of a wally

Is a councillor even qualified to determine "paranoia" ?

molemesseskilledIpom · 07/04/2011 21:14

Welshbyrd

I was going to say she sounds like a bit of a useless twat, but settled for Not very good as I'm trying to cut my swearing down. (here and in RL).

PeterAndreForPM · 07/04/2011 21:15

he is gaslighting you

look up "gaslighting"

don't fall for it

welshbyrd · 07/04/2011 21:16

Awfulweeks - I fear you maybe right, in that he could have sent that txt indicating OW would be around, to make you nervous/paranoid.

It sound like he is feeding your paranoia?

He is seriously going to keep hurting you, Im really worried about what he is doing to your mental state, he seems to be deliberately hurting you

What a fucking twat
Im really angry for you

Original poster
awfulweeks · 07/04/2011 21:17

Well my ex lied about aspects of his previous relationship and I found out as all the evidence was lying around his flat. Basically he had an affair before. So the trust thing has been problem for me from the beginning.
He just lied and I knew he was lying. However, I thought it was because he wouldn't want me to think badly of him etc. Very naive.
Anyway I brushed it under the carpet and have never had any reason to question him in the following 7 years.
I was really shocked that me bringing this up was sort of used against me.
If you suspect someone is lying are you supposed to just trust the answer?
It was bizarre but I was all in love and didn't want to face it.

OP posts:
ScaredOfCows · 07/04/2011 21:17

You need to bin your counsellor and find a new one.

It doesn't matter at this stage if he is with her or not - all that matters is that your and your dd are ok. Use the time that he is out to make great plans for yourself and her - beach holiday, lovely days out etc etc.

Original poster
awfulweeks · 07/04/2011 21:21

I know. I just want to send a text back. Asking if she is there etc. It's so pathetic. It's so annoying. What a tosser.
Its a nightmare. How it fucks with your head. Although he can see here everyday if he wants. It's not hard.
Like you say he is winding me up.

OP posts:
Original poster
awfulweeks · 07/04/2011 21:24

Will it make me feel better if I initiate the separation process?
I don't like the idea of waiting for him to do it really.
Also after him having an affair and dumping me in such shit way at least it will be my choice for once!

OP posts:
molemesseskilledIpom · 07/04/2011 21:24

Then wind him up back.

The best way to get your revenge is to ignore him and everything he does and says. THAT will get to him more than anything but there is another reason to this suggestion...

It's the first step to getting him out of your life, ignore him at first just to wind him up, then it will automatically go into ignoring him because you dont care without you even realising it.

molemesseskilledIpom · 07/04/2011 21:25

Start the ball rolling on your own, make the decisions and move on. Prove to him and yourself that you are better than this and he doesnt matter.

Original poster
awfulweeks · 07/04/2011 21:28

Mole you are so right.
I have thankfully deleted so many messages before sending them this week. You know when you start responding in a rage etc.
But managed to stop sending and hitting the delete button was actually bliss.
Otherwise my stomach is in knots waiting for the more annoying reply!

OP posts:
JaceyBee · 07/04/2011 21:29

hi awfulweeks, I feel so bad for you. I know this doesn't help you but I am in a similar situation with my dh now, he is deciding whether or not he wants to stay living with me now. Says he loves me and I'm a good mum and a great person and blah blah blah but that he doesn't feel about me how he should do. Same old same old basically. Difference is that he isn't sleeping with anyone else (apparently) but he's still here in the house, well actually he's gone out for a drink with a mate and I'm just sat here like a twat.

In your situation though I would definitely insist he leaves asap. He has no right to treat you badly and be rude and horrible to you in your home. And he has to support you and dd legally. I think we will both be ok very soon, it's just a horrible shock but it doesn't mean we won't get through it. Then we can go and join the dumplings thread Smile

welshbyrd · 07/04/2011 21:29

Agree with mole, ignore it, I feel if you do not ignore, and go for the "is she with you txt" he is going to know he has got to you again, by the sounds of it, he is thriving on hurting you, so the less you show you care, the less he will do it

welshbyrd · 07/04/2011 21:33

If I was in your shoes, Id pack his stuff, bin liners will do, chuck them on the doorstep. Put chain/inside lock on, and go to bed.

I know if your joint mortgage/renting, sometimes it is not that easy, but not sure I could contain myself

Original poster
awfulweeks · 07/04/2011 21:37

Right going for lavender bath now. He is still not back......maybe cozy drinks after.......it is so annoying.
I wish there was a way to turn parts of your brain off when this happens.
That would be useful.
Jaceybee sorry to hear you are in a similar situation. Here's hoping we come out the other side soon.....
At least your dh is saying he loves you! Mine isn't. Its really horrible. A horrible way to end things.
Again I am sure he is doing that deliberately. It is having the desired effect.

OP posts:
Original poster
awfulweeks · 07/04/2011 21:40

Welshbyrd I would be breaking the law if I did that.
Just like if I showed up his work I would be a stalker!
With regards to councellor I suspect ex has told some fibs about me.....I will never know. He had a solo session initially.

OP posts:
JaceyBee · 07/04/2011 21:47

To be honest he is more than likely bullshitting about what the counsellor said. I have a very similar job and I would never dream of telling a client that their partner was paranoid and controlling. It doesn't sound as though he is in a place to engage with counselling now anyway unfortunately. You should maybe find a new one and have some sessions on your own though. That is what I plan to do, money permitting.

Original poster
awfulweeks · 07/04/2011 22:29

Jaycee the councillor said it to me in a Joint session.
It was in relation to the incident early in our relationship which to me illustrated that ex was always a liar. But to them I was always paranoid....does that make sense?

The paranoid behavior was always related to me realizing things didn't add up. I did not go snooping regularly that were isolated incidents

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 07/04/2011 22:32

This is a demonstration of why joint relationship counselling in an abusive situation is not recommended

Just another stick to beat you with

Abusers hoodwink ineffective or inexperienced counsellors, just like they hoodwink us in the early years and you end up as the bad one

Very effective isn't it ?

You don't have to accept it though, love

Original poster
awfulweeks · 07/04/2011 22:51

I know peterandre, I know it's not true. I know I don't have to accept it. I think I was just being very keen to work on things and have an opportunity to air my own feelings. It also made me remember what a liar he has always been. It's always been taboo subject and I have never understood why.

I think the counsellor is good and very experienced. I think she has been trying to get more out of ex but he is just not interested. Everything that comes up ended at the same place.......him saying it was not going to work.

Having said that he is home now. He is looking at more flats so fingers crossed eh?

OP posts:
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