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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

making the best of a horrible situation

48 replies

CotswoldCountryMummy · 06/04/2011 13:03

Please help. I recently posted about a situation on the AIBU board. I am new to this and just wanted some advice. Since then, for my good intentions i have been abused, vilified and called an interfering bitch. I don't deserve it. I would like your opinion on the matter. The thread is called "In thinking my SIL could be a little more enthusiastic". ALl i wanted was some sound advice, and perhaps some support. Thankyou

OP posts:
pooka · 06/04/2011 13:05

Thread about a thread. Very poor form usually.

I see that you're careful not to mention the words you used to describe the posters who just happened to disagree with you!

It's on AIBU - tends to get heated.

Hassled · 06/04/2011 13:09

Well the first thing you should know is that starting a thread about a thread is not well-recieved on MN. Either retire from the fight gracefully (and you can namechange if you want to start again from a clean slate) or keep your issues on the original thread.

I've just had a quick skim read of the thread. You had people agreeing with you, and people disagreeing. That's life, and that's Mumsnet. You can accept it, or try another forum. You wanted opinions, and you got opinions - what you shouldn't do is take any of it personally. There is a huge amount of support to be had here - AIBU maybe isn't the best place to go looking for it.

Original poster
CotswoldCountryMummy · 06/04/2011 13:10

so im just supposed to accept their vitriol am i?? Not my form i'm afraid, i just wondered if it's normal to attack someone for posting an innocuous thread about a weekend away and a sick father in law. I just think some of those people are disgusting.

OP posts:
Original poster
CotswoldCountryMummy · 06/04/2011 13:11

i realised that too late. but to save me typing it all out again, please can you give me your opinions here? :-)

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 06/04/2011 13:12

So, you're trying to round up a gang? I don't get it. If you feel you've been badly treated, report the posts that you find offensive

pooka · 06/04/2011 13:13

Yes, you've said that in the other thread.

What do you want to do about it?

You say people have directed vitriol at you.

I say you've been pretty vile to people who happened (certainly early on) to just disagree with you. You've got off pretty lightly for using absolutely verboten terminology. Some people agreed with you or sympathised. Others said that going on your posts, they felt you were being unfair. Then you went nuclear, snippy and personal attacks on posters.

What do you expect?

Hassled gives very good advice.

Portofino · 06/04/2011 13:15

Agree you should take it back to the original thread. You did sound a bit on your high-horse from the quick skim through I had. Maybe you should read the thread again, take the comments on board and THEN come back and discuss further on there.

Original poster
CotswoldCountryMummy · 06/04/2011 13:19

and as one of the people who have rounded on me POOKA, why are you here now? Did you follow me? Or was it entirely coincidental?
Perhaps i was "VILE" to those who suggested i stand back and watch my SIL ripping shreds off my MIL and making her life hell. I find the idea of watching that level of abuse to be totally abhorrent and inhumane
No i am not trying to round up a gang. I haven't the energy or inclination. I have merely taken the advice of a PM advising me to come somewhere more civilized, which is what i have done. And i would like to hear any opinions on my OP.

OP posts:
fluffyanimal · 06/04/2011 13:21

CCM, your last messages on your other thread were as out of order as any of the bitchy comments made to you. The problem seems to me that you weren't prepared to accept other people's points of view, especially if they tried to look at things from your SIL's perspective. Then some posters lost patience with you.

You really need to get some distance from this, both the actual situation and the MN debate. By starting this thread it looks like you only want to get different people to agree with you, so that you can feel justified at getting upset on the original thread.

pooka · 06/04/2011 13:25

I didn't "round on you".

I simply disagreed with you. In pretty measured, non-confrontational language too.

You can't expect everyone to agree with you. And if you cannot cope with people taking a different view to you, perhaps it is better not to post in AIBU where, let's face it, you are by the nature of the topic placing yourself in a position where someone is perfectly entitled to say "yes".

pooka · 06/04/2011 13:27

And I'm here now because the thread came up on my active conversations list and I clicked on it.

Just so happened that I'd already seen the previous thread.

I'm really not so engaged in your situation as to follow you from thread to thread.

fluffyanimal · 06/04/2011 13:29

People from the other thread ARE going to find this and follow you, you haven't exactly made it hard to find. Your reply to Pooka sounds rather paranoid.

wildfig · 06/04/2011 13:42

Have only skimmed the other thread but...

If you wanted rounded and relatively sympathetic advice on how to handle the situation with your SIL, then it would have been better to post in Relationships, where other posters would have discussed the dynamics of your relationship, perhaps with reference to their own experience, and how you might deal with it.

If you post in AIBU, then all you're really asking is for people to bang their gavels and decide if you're being unreasonable or not. Some people have big gavels and like banging them hard - that's AIBU. Posters who then decide that they don't want that sort of 'judging' and in fact were right all along, thank you, get short shrift. You've got to be prepared to be disagreed with.

It might be better to start a fresh thread here about your cottage problem - at the moment it seems as if what all you want to discuss is what a basket of vipers AIBU is. It can be, if you're not wearing flameproof pants, but that's what it is.

[bangs gavel]

Portofino · 06/04/2011 13:46

You COULD have started again in Relationship with a clean sheet, but you for some strange reason thought it necessary to mention the behaviour of others on the AIBU in your new OP. What did you THINK was going to happen?

BabyYoureAFirework · 06/04/2011 13:54

I've read the other thread, and you were nothing but rude and aggressive to anyone who dared to disagree with you, OP.

PeterAndreForPM · 06/04/2011 14:04

I take it your dalliance with Mn will be short and sweet then ? < innocent whistle >

blondebutonlyfaking · 06/04/2011 14:10

I posted on your other thread.

I'll post here too.

Basically, if you invited me to a do like that it would be my idea of hell on wheels. I would hate it.

You want your SIL to go for the weekend with people who she doesn't like and who don't like her and some of whom she hardly knows.

I would hate it, would not go. You want her kids upstairs out of the way and quiet on the Saturday night so the adults can have a good time - and they're not tinies 7 and 9 or 11 I think?

Anyway, given that you are now doing 2 trips, why raise this again?

EricNorthmansMistress · 06/04/2011 14:11

ROFFLE Grin

GypsyMoth · 06/04/2011 14:18

is there a link.....because i hid it when i saw the 'sil' reference Blush sorry!!

its not the thread with the pony in the kitchen/inglenook fireplace/utility room then is it?

lorelilee · 06/04/2011 14:53

I have just read your original thread and your OP here is rather misleading. You gave as good as, if not better than, you got. It seems to me that you got very prickly towards anyone who didn't agree with you. Not quite the point of AIBU.

FlamingJamie · 06/04/2011 14:59

wot Hassled said. I haven't read the other thread

Roseflower · 06/04/2011 15:02

To be fair some of the posts were not exactly 'opinions', more like negative comments based on the fact she is simply from the countryside.

pippop1 · 06/04/2011 15:17

OP, that old phrase " blood is thicker than water" may apply here. SiL is their daughter so she may say what she likes to ILs. You are the DiL and therefore may not. That's how things work.

Frizzbonce · 06/04/2011 15:26

CotswoldCountryMummy - Is there any chance that your MIL could be manipulating the situation or even exacerbating it? I'd be interested to know what her history with her daughter is - she wasn't born sour and grumpy. Another poster thought she might be depressed. Not to say that's an excuse for being horrible to you but you've mentioned the mil and how 'abused' she is. I'm wondering if mil is quite the victim she appears.

Only saying because I have an ex mil who was Genius at being passive aggressive - never confronting people in the family who had pissed her off but 'accidentally' letting slip that someone had said something nasty ('oooh dear don't be cross with me - I shouldn't have said that') and it caused chaos. She was also brilliant at being the poor little old lady who only wanted 'everyone to love each other' but really she was the most manipulative, angry woman I'd ever met.

empirestateofmind · 06/04/2011 15:47
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