making the best of a horrible situation

[CotswoldCountryMummy]

Please help. I recently posted about a situation on the AIBU board. I am new to this and just wanted some advice. Since then, for my good intentions i have been abused, vilified and called an interfering bitch. I don't deserve it. I would like your opinion on the matter. The thread is called "In thinking my SIL could be a little more enthusiastic". ALl i wanted was some sound advice, and perhaps some support. Thankyou

Do not go! Stay!

There is a definate clique here. Just ignore the posts that 'have a go' at you. They obviously are just cyber bullies.

I am still reading the original thread but i was wondering if the home you are in now with your family is your SIL's ex-family home? Where she grew up? She might feel bitter maybe if she is made feel an imposter in her old once-upon-a-time home. Just a thought.

You seem to be determined that she is jealous of you but I'm not so sure. You seem to get in the middle of herself and her Mothers relationship. Telling her off about what you perceive to be her impatience with her Mother might be a whole other story. I wouldn't touch that one with a bargepole personally if it were me.

I think you are being very, very defensive and aggressive to people. Even when they agreed with you and tried to give you measured advice. But then you got verbally abusive with people but blamed them for doing the same. It was like projection.

FWIW it's best that you decided on two seperate celebrations. The DIL who moves into the farm with the lucky son should tread sensitively. You seem to feel attacked but then go on to attack others with double the ferocity.

That's all.

you've lost all credibility. Anyone checking out the other thread will see the venom and vitriol you spewed forth.

You do lack humility and grace judging by the way you spoke to the posters who disagreed with you. People were trying to say that this is what your SIL is probably responding to and why she might not like you.

You have also shown yourself up to be a hypocrite by using the language you did as you say your SIL's profanities are abusive and deeply offend your sensibilities. Do you have access to a mirror?

I don't think you were abused or vilified at all - you were given reasonable responses by those who could see why your sil might be less than enchanted with:
(a) you
(b) your interference between her and your mil (who is not your mother)
(c) at the prospect of spending a weekend with people she may not know/want to spend time with, and having to put her kids to bed by 1930 for your convenience.

Your lack of moderation in your responses to those who disagreed with you showed you up I'm afraid, and one can see that your sil may have a point as others have said both on this thread and the other one.

Frankly OP your response to Scareyteacher on the other thread was disproportionate to say the least.

She was measured - you swore at her and were undeniably rude.

Now you've come running here to complain.

Poor, poor form.

If your intention on posting on here was to get a more measured response about your situation then you would have been better posting that you made a mistake by posting AIBU, here is the situation, what do people think?

But you didnt. you directed people back to the OP on AIBU and slagged off those that disagreed with you are the same time. That really wont win you any friends! Yes, AIBU is a bit bombastic at times, I have been on the receiving end of a flaming on there before now as have most of MN I suspect, but you learned that and could have easily move on instead of dragging it up again.

However, regardless of where you post your dilemma you must accept that by making it public you open yourself up to people disagreeing with you. It was your response to that that annoyed people, not the OP itself. You didnt give as good as you got, you gave worse and were very offensive. "Form" has been mentioned and I would say that as a newbie I was very aware that I was joining an established community and certainly wouldnt have kicked off in the way you did, that is also bad form. If you are looking for Alpha Mum status then you have a fight on your hands, I promise you :o

Rather than feeling victimised and trying to drum up sympathy, perhaps you would be better served by re-reading those replies that tried to help you empathise with your SIL and see things from a different pov. Then you may find that not only are you viewed in a better light on MN, but also within your family.

You do strike me as a "my way or the highway" person and I cant imagine that that type of thing makes you very popular within the family. I know that the person within DHs family who is like that has gradually become more and more removed from the family dynamic as we all got sick to death of her attitude. It would be a shame if that happened to you if you have the best of intentions.

I read your thread on your OP because I love a good bunfight as much as the next MNer.

With regards to your situation, it sounds like you have got a very diificult family dynamic on your hands, and trying to force Happy Families with a weekend away is likely to exacerbate things further. I think your idea of 2 separate parties is for the best. IMHO, you need to take a step back from the MIL/SIL relationship. Mother/daughter relationships can be notoriously fraught, and the behaviour you observe is unlikely to be the whole story. If you are seriously concerned about abuse as you suggested on AIBU you need to get DH involved urgently to address this - you can't do it on your own.

With regards to your thread on AIBU - well, what did you expect? People don't hold back on AIBU, that's either the fun/horror of it (delete as appropriate depending on your sensitivity level!). Your postings were certainly rude and aggressive, and you certainly gave as good as you got. And to come here to drum up support is frankly playground tactics.

[gavel]

I'll be behind the bike sheds 'aving a fag.

"Rather than feeling victimised and trying to drum up sympathy, perhaps you would be better served by re-reading those replies that tried to help you empathise with your SIL and see things from a different pov. Then you may find that not only are you viewed in a better light on MN, but also within your family."

well said "bogeyface"

to save me typing it all out again, please can you give me your opinions here? :-)

Copy & paste?

Some of the responses to the AIBU were rude, but there's no reason to have gone mental; in fact, that showed you up as being unable to deal with unpleasantness (such as the SIL's) without being unpleasant in turn. Sorry. Your responses have been disproportionate, though, and gave stirrers a good and probably enjoyable fight. Do you give your SIL the same satisfaction?

Advice, upthread here, that you should have rephrased the question and not sent people to the original thread, is spot on. Rehashing arguments sounds like sour grapes, not genuinely trying to understand a situation, in the light of new ideas.

Sorry.

Well, OP, as others have said, threads about threads aren't really 'done'.

However, I read the AIBU thread, so here's my opinion.

Your SIL does sound difficult and quite spoilt, from what you've posted. However, you also sound a little insensitive. It might be helpful for you to bear in mind that:

As several people have pointed out, it must be quite peculiar for her having you living in her family home and for her to not really feel welcome, for whatever reason.

No matter how boorishly she can behave, she is having a bad time. Her father is dying. It's wretched and sad.

There are likely issues between her and her mother that you will never be aware of. I am not a churlish, rude or poorly brought up person. But I would be extremely angry if my sister married and her husband had the temerity to tick me off about the dynamic between me and my mother, because it would be none of his business. If my sister had a problem with my behaviour towards my mother then it would be fine for her to raise it, but NOT for her other half to do so.

She sounds tough to get on with. She sounds antagonistic. She sounds irritating.

But you sound like you are not really willing to concede that she may have any valid reasons at all for any of those behaviours of feelings, which is a little unfair.

they sound both as bad as each other and im fucking glad im not the guest list!

I have read the original thread and tbh OP, you don't come off well in it. I was astonished to read kind and measured posts for nearly 3 pages (almost unheard of on AIBU!!) as people took you at your word, that you were feeling vulnerable and sad.

From what you have said, I too agree that it is not your place to tackle SIL about her relationship or behaviour towards her mother. That is for your husband, or your MIL or FIL, or anyone from the original family, but not you; no matter how outrageous your SIL's behaviour may be. You are also living in her family home and it looks like you have taken her place not only in her 'home' but also in the family affections. If I were her I would see you as a cuckoo in the nest and would also be outraged if you commented on my relationship with my mother.

As for her unexpected arrival at sunday lunch - I would have budged up and got her a plate, welcomed her around the table, which would be in-keeping with a family member ie one of the family. The hanging around at the doorway was pitifully sad from the way you describe it - which sounded as though she was not welcome and treated like an outsider. I would also have got up and seen her out the door, not left her to let herself out. You don't like her and it looks strongly as though you have judged her, which puts you on a sticky wicket. Her behaviour indeed sounds outrageous but you don't really know what is behind it and you don't seem to want to know, only to blame and judge her.

Your threads, this one and the last, do seem to be you wanting people to agree with you that she is appalling, to gang up on her too with you. You could well be bullying her - as you have posters who don't agree with you - and I don't think you are as innocent as you claim.

CCM - I am about to be blunt based on this and another thread i have seen you on and not because i am "rounding on you".(I haven't yet looked at the SIL one)

This is Mumsnet, either take the stick out of your arse and muck in or find somewhere else that is more "you".

CotswoldCountryMummy, as this is Relationships, I will really make an effort not to be (too) judgmental of your other thread on AIBU and give you some advice.

First of all, all of us have witnessed your metamorphosis from "lovely model DIL who stays with her PILs, cooks, helps in the farm and has never killed a fly" on your OP, to the spitting, screaming, wild-eyed monster who describes your SIL as "this rude, hurtful insensitive little cow" and says things like "its none of your effing business how long we've been married you sad cow" to other posters after they dared disagree with you. I am afraid we have t take you on your word, and assume that this is the way you react in real life when somebody disagrees with you. If this is true, then I wholeheartedly pity your SIL.

Your MIL is not your mother. She is your DH's and SIL's mother, and if anyone has the right to tell her off for speaking to her own mother in any particular way, that would be your DH, not you. If my SIL ever dared to tel ME off for talking to my mother in any way, I would let her know immediately and in not a very nice way what she can do with her opinions, and in which part of her anatomy she could shove them.

No one has the right of giving someone else's child an animal as a pet. NO ONE. It does not matter where that pet is kept, or who takes care of it. Owning a pet is a big responsibility, and only a child's parents can decide about that. I would be very resentful if my mother gave my (hypothetical) DD a pony. Actually, I would ask her to give the pony back, I would just not accept that "present".

According to your own depiction, your SIL is a miserable bugger. But the problem here is, you are giving us the depiction of somebody you personally detest. Your accuracy about that person's character is, therefore, deeply flawed, and I would be tempted to believe that your SIL may actually be a much better person that you say she is. If I had to choose, based on your thread, which of you to spend a weekend with, your SIL would have all the winning tickets.

personally, I don't see the point of couples inviting "friends in order to celebrate their 10th anniversary". It is ridiculous and presumptuous. No one cares about your 10th anniversary but for you and your DH (and perhaps your children, although I very much doubt this last). I will give you a personal comparison: my BIL's brother once organised a very strange "42 birthday party" for him, and invited most friends and family. Many people decided to skip it... how exactly is a 42nd birthday such an event? but wait, it gets worse... once all the guests were there, he shushes everyone up, and gives them THE BIG ANNOUNCEMENT: that the "real" reason for that party was.... him and his DW were going to have their vows renewed!!!

..erm... They have been married for 7 years...

He was probably expecting "ooohs" and "aaaawws" and congratulatory comments... in fact he got blank stares and silence. No one gave a shit. It was twee, it was embarrassing. My BIL was laughing so hard while he was telling us about this that he cried.

I believe you should get off your high horse (or should I say "pony"?). You come up as arrogant, interfering, and frankly difficult to stand. I do pity your SIL, and wish we all had her input in this story. You sound like a person that always tries to show a smile and show you are oh-such-a-good-person... but that has an ugly side that shows up easily. You seem to be trying to win yout PILs... and a cynical side of me wonders whether you're making plans to keep your PIL's farm and inheritance for yourself and your DH. You are horrible and judgmental towards your SIL and her family.

Right, end of my encyclopedic post. have a nice day.

OP, when you apologise for using horrible slurs like 'mrn' and rtrdd' I'll consider listening to your POV.

Many (most) of the posts on that thread are a fucking disgrace.

That includes you, op!

hear hear auryanne!

to Op

www.outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Scapegoating.html

Some info about scapegoating OP. I wonder if your husband's family have scapegoated SIL (re your DH being enraged that you had invited SIL to your celebration). Families often get their ILs to do their dirty work for them. The scapegoat is often very angry as, no matter what they do, they are sidelined, bullied, sneered at, judged, excluded etc etc,

You got advice, you even got personal analogies from others who have had a FIL or family member in demise. You got good advice re SIL and her interaction with her Mother. You got advice and/or opinions on being invited to an anniversary weekend, some would love that sort of celebration, others wouldnt consider it. That is life.

You were also very hostile towards some people who disagreed with you and have now started another thread.

What else do you want? Move on!

OP you used the word retarded and havent apologised, that is dispicable and for that reason I will not be entering into further debate about your SIL and FIL and the dynamics of your/their relationship.

or even better despicable! DOH

well you did ask for opinions!!

My thoughts - your mil sounds a pain in the arse - a pony, what kind of a present is that - bet your mil knew exactly how much that would piss of sil. If I had a mum as annoying as your mil I'd also be a moanyface pain in the arse all of the time.

Why you celebrating a 10 year anniversary - FFS, how utterly annoying that would be. Its bad enough having to give weekend days or nights up to other people's personal celebrations, but whole fekin weekends. Oh, and obviously declining an invite is an invitation to outright war in your books so everyone will feel obliged to attend.

How aggressive of you to suggest her kids should be happy for an invite to a party that they will be made to feel unwelcome at. How horrid of you.

You do sound pretty awful.

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