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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How bad is this?

42 replies

howwrong · 05/04/2011 12:55

Name changed regular.

So here is the situation. Been with DH for 16 years (since I was 20). We have 2 DCs, and since the DCs, our relationship has not been the best.
He carried on doing what he always did (going out on all nighters, spending all our money on himself, doing nothing around the house). I had a highly paid job which I clung on to for about 4 years following DC, but couldn't sustain it because I had no help and needed to be away, working late, etc etc. So gave it up (I would add it was not reluctantly at the time, I just wanted the stress to go away).

I went back to uni and retrained so I could set up my own business (am now a year into that). And recently I have been starting to feel like my old self - DCs are older and more independent, got my business on the go and the hours are perfect and it is still not a shitty hobby type business IYKWIM.

Sex has always been a problem, DH is very insecure and he looked at sex as a reflection of my love for him. I kind of went off sex a while back - I think now because of a lack of support and building resentment. He used to pressure me on a daily basis calling me frigid, saying how bad he felt because he didn't get it, saying that our whole marriage was in my control, I was the one who could make everything better by just having sex all the time.

Anyhow, in the past there have been 2 incidents where I have thought there was a grey area of violence. Once when he rolled up at 6 in the morning drunk and on drugs and I was pg, and had a go at him, and he grabbed me round the neck and told me to shut the fuck up. Another time there was a push over the same type of argument. He is 6'3" and it was quite scary.

So, fast forward to a few weeks ago and we were going out to a party. I had been feeling more independent of him, less likely to put up with his shit. After a while I got talking to a guy (handsome yes) and we (TBH) were flirting. DH had a fit and sulked off home - well I say home, he actually called round to one of my friends' houses and starting shouting and screaming that I was a whore.

So I decided to stay at the party and got home at 2.30am. To him, fucking furious. And so he started pushing me over as hard as he could. Everytime I stood up he would push me over as hard as he could. He ripped my top off and was just shouting and screaming for about 15 minutes. I had bruises and a gash on my neck where he had ripped my top off.

It's weird, I feel like I don't know what to do. I know that it isn't right. I think I am guilty because I was flirting with another man. And I also think I am guilty because I would like to do something with another man (not necessarily this man) and do have a wandering eye at the moment........and DH probably knows this ........so it somehow justifies his way? I don't know.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 05/04/2011 13:01

you dont know? i do......its dv and you need to get out

i'm sure there will be plenty of posters along shortly to recomend anger management/counselling/relate

i'd recommend leaving. womens aid will help you

DELHI · 05/04/2011 13:01

Nothing justifies him physically assaulting you, ripping your clothes, pushing you, swearing and screaming at you etc. From the sound of him, it's no wonder you enjoyed the company of a man who was friendly and pleasant and seemed to enjoy your company. I'm no expert and others on here are sure to give you better advice, but your DH sounds like he has serious problems with you being successful in business and attractive to other men. Insecure, jealous, inadequate and a bully. I think you're too good for him.

hariboegg · 05/04/2011 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flooziesusie · 05/04/2011 13:02

you can't stay in a relationship if you are scared.

Original poster

howwrong · 05/04/2011 13:08

Strange that you have both said that delhi and haribo. He has a serious problem with me improving anything about myself - appearance, work, knowledge. He even has a problem with MN ffs

Oh god.

OP posts:

FriggFRIGG · 05/04/2011 13:11

out out get out!

its never okay to be violent.
angry,maybe,
but acting on that anger and becoming physically abusive is not okay.

and you know it.

and you want out anyway.

so now you have a perfect reason.

((hug))

ShoutyHamster · 05/04/2011 13:12

A wandering eye? Maybe you're just starting to realise that you can do so much better than being dragged down by a lazy, selfish, habitual drug-taking, insecure, sexually bullying whiner.

And now he's progressed to starting on the physical violence, it's really a no-brainer!

He sounds a complete loser. Given that you have made a success of yourself financially too in spite of carrying the dead weight of his nights out and selfish spending habits, why on earth would you stay with him even if he hadn't been violent?

Now that he has, do you think you could start to plan ahead to leave? Because it certainly won't be the last time. Nothing justifies physical violence. As for 'you were at fault for flirting' - if I treated my husband the way he seems to have treated you, I'd fully expect him to want to go off and look for someone NICE to have a mature relationship with too!

TheyKnowEsperanto · 05/04/2011 13:13

Get your finances sorted. DO you own your home? Is your name on the lease/mortgage? Work out income/outgoings and how you would survive on your income alone. Work out if you would get any help with tax credits etc. Do not let on you are doing any of this.

It is definitely DV. Without a doubt. The only question for you is whether you can live a life in fear. You and your children deserve better. If you are even doubting whether this is DV (I've had annoying exes in the past but no one has ever laid a finger on me but even if they were to shove me in an argument I would feel they had opened Pandora's Box and it would only be a matter of time before I was their punchbag).

make your plans to move on. You sound highly intelligent - all you need is to get motivated. There is nothing to fear in being single, I have been the loneliest I have ever been while in a relationship, never been as lonely when single. Step into the light.

ShoutyHamster · 05/04/2011 13:14

Frigg said it perfectly!

Make plans

Leave

Let you and your children enjoy the fruits of your labours rather than see them pissed up against the wall by Mr. Entitled Loser

Start enjoying Life!

hariboegg · 05/04/2011 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShushBaby · 05/04/2011 13:15

That is terrible, poor you. And it is not justified.

Do you have a daughter? If so, what would you say to her if she experienced this in the future? What would you say to a friend whose husband did this to her?

Your self esteem has probably been ground down by your husband's treatment of you and you've lost sight of respecting/loving yourself. I know that sounds a bit wanky, but read your post back to yourself. What would you say to someone you love who was going through this?

Courage.

darleneconnor · 05/04/2011 13:17

The first time my ex hit me was after he saw me chatting to a guy he knew I'd had a fling with before I met him. At the time I put it down as that and the fact that he'd been drinking. It never crossed my mind to define it as dv or to think it would be the start of a pattern of abuse.

It supposedly takes an average of 33 incidents of abuse before a victim leaves. Please dont be as naive as I was and leave it this long. It will only get worse and you could end up being one of the 2 wome every week in the UK who are killed by their abusive partners/exes.

TheyKnowEsperanto · 05/04/2011 13:17

srry i ddn' finish my sentence - the fact you are even doubtn whether this is DV (fucking false nails are shit for typing) or considering it remotely acceptable (taking the blame/giving him excuses) suggests he is wearing you down mentally. Please listen to people on here. He sounds very jealous, insecure and angry. You are 36 - you have so much in life left to look forward to. The quicker you act the more time you have. Don't waste it on this man.

BelleBelicious · 05/04/2011 13:22

I think you know how unacceptable it is. He is nasty and abusive and not for the first time either. He didn't support you with the kids (drunk, on drugs and violent ffs) and does not support you in your career. He demands sex (always a turn on, eh?) and then calls you frigid when you don't want to sleep with the feckless, self-obssessed twunt him.

You sound like you got together very young and I'm afraid from here it looks like you out grew him a long time ago. I'm doubtful that relate can help you either - because it seems your dh is still a child and that's how he wants to stay.

Sorry, I think you have some hard choices ahead - but please put your own safety first. Do you think you are safe with him in your home?

HuwEdwards · 05/04/2011 13:25

If I flirted openly with another man, I suspect my DP would hate me and either leave me or ask me to leave.

But he just would NOT attack me.

Original poster

howwrong · 05/04/2011 13:26

Courage is the key word isn't it?
I have it in many situations in my life. I just can't work out why I have fucking zero here.

OP posts:

MooMooFarm · 05/04/2011 13:26

There is no 'grey area' here.

If a stranger came up to you in the street and started treating you this way, would you think it was a grey area and let them carry on, or would you get the police involved and get them charged with assault?

He's obviously spent a long time wearing you down so your self esteem is so low you feel you deserve this somehow. You don't.

Please call Womens Aid and get some advice.

MooMooFarm · 05/04/2011 13:27

xposted with you OP. Your courage in this situation has been worn down by him.

Original poster

howwrong · 05/04/2011 13:32

It's really tough reading all this

OP posts:

cuteboots · 05/04/2011 13:33

Howrong- OMG! You sound like such a strong lady and you really need to leave now.

hariboegg · 05/04/2011 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hariboegg · 05/04/2011 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BelleBelicious · 05/04/2011 14:11

Howwrong. It's tough because he's been in your life for so long and because you want your family to stay together. Those are not little things. They are huge.

But - you need to put your safety first, then you need to consider you own happiness and then you need to think of the role model of relationships you are giving to your children. It's about their happiness long term not just short term.

Unless you are afraid that he will hurt you, take your time, get some counselling and talk through your feelings, you don't need to do anything today. If you are afraid that he'll get violent again the please, do take some courage and get out.

cestlavielife · 05/04/2011 14:47

it is ahrd to beleive someone can do that to you.
did anyone witness your rbuises/gash? any friend/work colleague who would testify?
did you go to GP?
did you go to police?

if not - you need to if there is a next time - but you ened to be ready to call police immeedaitely eh is acting scary /violent.

tell your friends too - they need to be calling polcie if he round tehre screaming.

you can go talk to police domestic violence unit even tho it weekes after event - get it on record.

how old are DC?
where were they when you came back from party?

keep your phone on you at all times and be preapred to dial 999. you are entitled to do this. if you scared. if he shouting/drunk/violent and wont listen to you saying "leave now".

cestlavielife · 05/04/2011 14:49

ps how bad is this?
extremely bad.

awful.
you were left with bruises and a gash.
if someone random did this to you on the street you would be reporting it.
it is WORSE that it is your husband

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