Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

How bad is this?

42 replies

howwrong · 05/04/2011 12:55

Name changed regular.

So here is the situation. Been with DH for 16 years (since I was 20). We have 2 DCs, and since the DCs, our relationship has not been the best.
He carried on doing what he always did (going out on all nighters, spending all our money on himself, doing nothing around the house). I had a highly paid job which I clung on to for about 4 years following DC, but couldn't sustain it because I had no help and needed to be away, working late, etc etc. So gave it up (I would add it was not reluctantly at the time, I just wanted the stress to go away).

I went back to uni and retrained so I could set up my own business (am now a year into that). And recently I have been starting to feel like my old self - DCs are older and more independent, got my business on the go and the hours are perfect and it is still not a shitty hobby type business IYKWIM.

Sex has always been a problem, DH is very insecure and he looked at sex as a reflection of my love for him. I kind of went off sex a while back - I think now because of a lack of support and building resentment. He used to pressure me on a daily basis calling me frigid, saying how bad he felt because he didn't get it, saying that our whole marriage was in my control, I was the one who could make everything better by just having sex all the time.

Anyhow, in the past there have been 2 incidents where I have thought there was a grey area of violence. Once when he rolled up at 6 in the morning drunk and on drugs and I was pg, and had a go at him, and he grabbed me round the neck and told me to shut the fuck up. Another time there was a push over the same type of argument. He is 6'3" and it was quite scary.

So, fast forward to a few weeks ago and we were going out to a party. I had been feeling more independent of him, less likely to put up with his shit. After a while I got talking to a guy (handsome yes) and we (TBH) were flirting. DH had a fit and sulked off home - well I say home, he actually called round to one of my friends' houses and starting shouting and screaming that I was a whore.

So I decided to stay at the party and got home at 2.30am. To him, fucking furious. And so he started pushing me over as hard as he could. Everytime I stood up he would push me over as hard as he could. He ripped my top off and was just shouting and screaming for about 15 minutes. I had bruises and a gash on my neck where he had ripped my top off.

It's weird, I feel like I don't know what to do. I know that it isn't right. I think I am guilty because I was flirting with another man. And I also think I am guilty because I would like to do something with another man (not necessarily this man) and do have a wandering eye at the moment........and DH probably knows this ........so it somehow justifies his way? I don't know.

OP posts:

louloudia · 05/04/2011 15:29

what would you like to happen OP

catkin83 · 05/04/2011 15:44

You've done the best thing posting here OP - you will get the courage to leave this hideous bully.

Just keep posting.

Everyone's going to support you through this.

There is no excuse for DV or sexual bullying and that is what he has been doing. You have done nothing to 'deserve' it. You need to leave.

skil · 05/04/2011 15:55

"We have 2 DCs, and since the DCs, our relationship has not been the best.
He carried on doing what he always did (going out on all nighters, spending all our money on himself, doing nothing around the house)."

It doesn't sound much better before the DCs to be honest, why would you have kids with someone like that?

Original poster

howwrong · 05/04/2011 16:57

Shit almighty

I know you are all right. I guess I have not posted here before now because I didn't want to/wasn't ready to hear it.

I think what I would like to happen is that I plan my escape route. I don't feel particularly unsafe atm, but saying that I wouldn't have predicted last time really. But I can't just chuck him out - I do need to plan it. My business is only a year old and is sometimes more unpredictable than I would like, although that should change by June when we are expecting a pretty stable (3 year) contract. If all else fails though I could get a job doing what I used to do - and get an au pair /nanny. I do need this to be over. It's like a switch has been turned off.

I think what you are all saying is that my guilt at flirting and having wandering eyes is separate to the feelings I have for DH, and again from the violent incident.

OP posts:

Smum99 · 05/04/2011 17:08

I think feeling scared in a marriage signals the end, unless your H raises it first, seeks help. You cannot work on a relationship if there is DV or even the risk of it.

Making the decision and finally ending it can take a while. It feels as if the problems of separting are too large - they are not, you just break it down into areas, find a solution for each. I worked in a very hectic job, got an aupair and looking back realise I had some of my happiest years.

MooMooFarm · 05/04/2011 18:30

You should have absolutely no guilt about having a wandering eye and a bit of a flirt. Your H has made you feel like shit for years so it's hardly surprising you enjoy being treated like an attractive human being. Do not feel guilty!

PeterAndreForPM · 05/04/2011 19:01

You are a regular ?

And you needed to ask ?

Your marriage is over in all but name

Start planning your exit srategy right now, this will escalate

I expect the domestic violence has got worse recenly because you are no longer behaving like a doormat, and so busy with young children etc. I expect it was easier to just give him what he wanted until now

So, unless you want to live your life on eggshells, fearing his next bout of temper and modelling how to be a battered wife for your children, you have to end your marriage

merrywidow · 05/04/2011 19:02

What an awful time you are having; unfortuanately the responsibility for the demise of your marriage falls squarely upon your H's shoulders judging by his appalling behaviour.

I can guarantee as soon as you mention its over he will try anything to save it; which will be temporary. IMO you have nothing to save because it should never have been like that in the first place.

A good decent respectful H would NEVER treat his DW in the way that your H has treated you.

Good luck with you business, you need support not chaotic unreasonableness.

From what you say I'm sure you will be more than capable of supporting yourself ( and I don't mean just financially ) throughout any tough stuff.

Original poster

howwrong · 05/04/2011 21:30

"I expect the domestic violence has got worse recenly because you are no longer behaving like a doormat, and so busy with young children etc. I expect it was easier to just give him what he wanted until now"

How so very very true

OP posts:

PeterAndreForPM · 05/04/2011 21:31

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 05/04/2011 22:14

Oh the sooner you're away from this complete failure of a human being, the better. You've been carrying him all your adult life. Was he spectacularly gorgeous in his younger days or something?
Make your plans. Have a chat with Women's Aid. WRT your business, you will be able to get tax credits and housing benefits as a self-employed person if necessary (I do). But I'm afraid you are going to need to move fairly quickly on this. He has already escalated to a very violent assault on you. Shits like him are at their most dangerous when they think you are planning to get rid of them. If he attacks you again, don't waste a second on feeling guilty, or sorry for him, call the police and have them remove him from the house and press charges.

DioneTheDiabolist · 05/04/2011 22:20

Howwrong, the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she is leaving it. This time is now. You say you don't feel that unsafe, if that is the case then tell him to leave. If he refuses, call the police and report the weekend assault (you may want to do this anyway).

blackeyedsusan · 05/04/2011 22:23

How bad, very bad VERY VERY bad.

and there is no excuse for violence unless in self defence. plan, go and watch out that he doesn't know you are planning. you can ring the dv officer at the local police station and ask for your address to be tagged i think. go get photos done with victim support, you may need them later. go see oyur gp. and it is not too late to report to the police if you wish. Proper photos by victim support can be used in court at a later date.

Original poster

howwrong · 06/04/2011 10:54

Thanks so much everyone. Feeling like I have more courage today.

This thing about wasting so many years is really incentivising me!!

I heart mn

OP posts:

ShoutyHamster · 06/04/2011 11:48

You haven't wasted time, you've got your two gorgeous children that you've been raising, you've been setting in place plans for a secure financial future for them and you, and you can see now how far along the road you've come to admitting that things are bad and reaching a point of having the courage to change them. Some people never reach that point, it's a huge mental hurdle to overcome.

You should be proud of yourself and know that your realisation that you must tackle this issue undoubtedly means that your best years are yet to come!

PeterAndreForPM · 06/04/2011 13:28

You haven't wasted time, but if it helps to think like that make sure you don't throw any more of your years away on a man like this

MigratingCoconuts · 06/04/2011 18:48

It would be a waste now, if you continued to put up with it.

I'm no expert but I think on the womans aid website there would be a check list for planning what to do next.

If you are planning to leave then you need to secure your finances and move money into a separate account, if you can. You need to find somewhere to go and also I would recommend seeing a solicitor to get legal advice.
I can completely believe that you are a regular here but didn't see this for what it is. Abusers can be very good at sucking you into the deception, that fact that it is no longer working will make him worse.

Flip

1 2