marriage is so hard, it changes things

[takewhatyoucan]

Background: DP and I considering marriage.

But, something is holding me back. I saw a programme last year about marriage. The interviewed married couples pretty muuch all said, 'marriage is so hard, it changes things', but none of them said what exactly is so hard, or specifically how things change.

I have spoken to married friends who agree, but couldn't really give any specific examples.

Before getting into marriage, (never been married before) I nedd to answer this question - what is hard about marriage, and how does it change things? Or, do you diasgree?

sorry, I need to answer!

I don't think it changed anything much for me. Mind you we already had dd, so the "commitment" was there already ifyswim. If anything it has made our little family unit stronger. We all have the same name. We know that we are in it for the long haul. It helps that dh and I see the future in the same way - shared plans and all. Personally, I don't think it is harder than just living together. We still argue from time to time.

People are all different. I would spend time worrying about other people's relationships - but would look to yourself. Can you see yourself growing old with this person. Do you want the same things from life. Do you agree on how you would bring up dcs etc? If yes - no worries. If no, maybe you need to rethink the relationship.

I'm not sure it makes things harder, but I suppose there's a this is a lifetime thing and you're not supposed to sleep with anyone else for the rest of your life, a this-is-it-ness about it.

It might be that there's more social pressure to work at your marriage than when you live together, and maybe to conform to certain roles - which you don't have to really, but there's sometimes that assumption.

Sometimes partners stop trying cos they've 'got' you.

Personally I like marriage as, back then, it made me feel more secure, that he couldn't just do a flit overnight (although he could've really, I suppose! ).

I think for me is that once married there is no going back and pretending it didnt happen. It's a bit like losing your virginity, once it's done it's done. If it's with the wrong person then you will just have to live with that. If it goes wrong then to undo a marriage takes formality, an admission of failure. It isnt just splitting up the cd collection. Of course it is different if there are children involved whether married or not.

If you are going to have children, buy a house etc but NOT marry then I think you have to ask yourself why you dont want to marry. Marriage is a set of contractually binding agreements most of which can be made individually by visiting a solicitor. It is just cheaper to do this in the form of a marriage. A marriage is simply a public declaration of these contractual ties. Both parties know what they have signed up to. Just living together IMO lacks that final commitment.

I have now been married nearly 20 years, it is difficult to know if it changed things as I dont know how I would have felt if we had been together for that length of time but not married. However I have never felt that being married is 'hard'.

It changes things because:

• some people stop making as much effort into the relationship (It looks so stable..).

When I was in my early 20s, I remember talking to a 50yo woman. She had just got married after nearly 30 years living with her now DH, 3 children together etc... She said that, for her, the main difference was that, before he always opened the car doors for her, whereas now he didn't bother. So in some ways, she wished they had never got married as nothing changed except the fact that he felt 'too secure' and didn't put as much effort into their relationship.

• some people then fall into very old fashion ways of behaving (The Husband and Wife organization - who does what, who has the final word/responsabilities etc.... Usually gets even worse once you have children)

• again for some people, it changes the way they look at life/future. I mean before being married, the option of 'just leaving' is there. Both partners still have things that are 'theirs' (their house, car whatever). Once you are married, it becomes 'ours'. This has a major influence on what you are doing when you think about the future ie the interdependance of the 2 people is highlighted (even thought it was - hopefully - already there)

• there is a feeling of 'No turning back' and that you have to make it work

I am not saying that this is all true for everybody though. I think it depends a lot on what your relationship is now, how much 'togetherness' there is.

Marriage makes it easier!
It is a public declaration that you are 'an item'. None of this gradual shifting from boyfriend to significant other to partner to father-of-my-child. It says, simply but loudly, that til-death-do-us-part. That's a nice thing, n'est ce pas?

If it's not a nice thing then it's not the design of the relationship that is the problem; it is the specific man that is the problem.

Btw, before I got married, I though that there was lots of different ways to show that you are committed to one another so marriage wasn't essential.

Then I met DH and getting married felt the most natural and normal thing to do.

Now, after 11 years and having wheathered (sp??) a few problems, I think I would have been better not married. I certainly felt the 'taken for granted' bit. Also I hink it means that we both feel we have to make things work even though it obvioulsy doesn't! It can be a good thing (as it sort of push you to go that extra mile and it can certainly be worth it). it can be a bad thing (if it stops you from moving on when you should)

Hmm...firstly let me say that I am not married and have never been.

I've had two significant relationships. Had 2 DC's with the first. I didn't want to marry either.

I used to think marriage was outdated, it's only a piece of paper. Why bother, it's expensive etc. etc.

Now I am on my third serious relationship and I have to say I feel totally differently. All of a sudden I'd like to get married....one day.

Yes, I can see people's point that when married you may not try as hard. But at the same time, not being married also means the temptation is greater to walk away when the times are tough. For me especially, now I have met DP, I truly want us to work through any adversity together. And if that means getting married helps us do that then that's just a plus to me.

So what I would say is be honest about your relationship. If your best friend was in the same relationship, would you tell her to get married?

My friends never used to mention marriage at all to me. Now they're always trying to wind me up about when I may "pop the question". To me that's an endorsement of how much they like my OH and how well suited they must think we are.

The way I see it is that marriage will only amplify your relationship. If it's good, it will make it better. If it's not good, it will make it worse.

But like I say, i've not been married so perhaps I'm talking out of my bumhole! lol

OP, I have found marriage hard at times..but I don't think it's the being married bit, as much as being with the same person.
What's difficult - dealing with his family and their constant need to be involved with us, or comment about our life. At times, I have to bite my tongue or grin and bear things more than I'd like, because it would hurt him if I had a row with them.
Having children is hard. There is more work, more tiredness and less time to spend on ourselves and our own relationship.
There are more money pressures with children, so we can't afford to go off and treat ourselves on lazy days and lie ins the same way as we did before children.
Our little irritating habits don't really change with marriage so you eventually have to learn to accept these - my husband never remembers which cupboards house which plates in the kitchen
It all mounts up...but I don't think marriage MAKES it harder, it's the commitment that's hard.

Marriage didnt change anything - we'd been together for 6 years and living together for about half of that so we were well established and knew each others' bad habits, etc. The marriage was just the final legal stamp on it really.

Having our children has made things flippin' tough. I have become a SAHM, which has changed the dymanic in our relationship, and little children are just such hard work. I'd say that's where the real test begins!

There is no need to go into this thinking it is going to be harder! You will then maybe even get a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I think Senua made a good point about the relationship per se not being at fault. DH and I were not enthusiastic about marriage at all - him the least so. We did it as a legal thing and didn't really have a wedding even (1 witness). However, we love being married and feel more 'special' because of it. DH says regularly "Its great being married", it just seemed for us to sort of calm us down by making us feel more secure.

Also we got together when we were in our 30's so we had few illusions or fantasies about relationships and romance. We both agreed that we aren't going to change so the other better love it or lump it or we both move on!

I think getting the children is the real hard bit - you can really get tested when you don't get a nights sleep for a few weeks or months. But again, DH's fathering abilities make me love him more and I love how complimentary he is about my parenting. I'm going to shut up though because he's been away on a work trip for a week and just got back and I'm very soppy right now

I believe that getting married and, especially having children within a marriage changes things enormously. Apart from the legal security of the situation, I hate being 'a wife'. I wish I hadn't changed my name, or become Mrs. There is definitely a loss of identity and drop in social status. In about 90% of marriages I see, (unless the man is very enlightened or the woman nags constantly) the couple fall into depressingly familiar stereotypical roles.

I work for myself from home at quite a senior level, but my situation only recently was described as 'and now you're a housewife', by a woman who is 'housewife' herself - she didn't mean it nastily - she was describing the situation as she saw it.

I read Simone de Beauvoir, Germaine Greer etc in my teens, thought I was a feminist, am highly educated, I work, I look after my children and the house, but it is reduced to 'now I am a housewife'.

But if it all went wrong I am in a much more secure situation than if I was not married. So, I think if you get married you gain security, but as a woman you lose part of the person you thought you were.

OP - Marriage does change things, but for me, for the better. The additional commitment and public declarations added a layer of security for me, that meant a lot. Also, it means you can't get into an argument and then stomp out the house thinking, "screw it, I'll just leave" and that is healthy and helpful I think.

I do think that all long term relationships are hard though, married or not. When they irritate you, you have to let it go or deal with it. And you put so much power into the hands of the other person in terms of your own happiness and workloads and all the rest. But again, for me, getting married has made all those things easier not harder because it's part of the parcel - it's a choice I made, consciously, legally, in public etc and suddenly dealing with those things is just part of my process and not something I have to question, eg, "Can I live with a man who hardly ever cooks?" changes to "how do DH and I sort out the fact that he hardly ever cooks".

It changed things for us, becuse it was a 'proper marriage' - ie, we did not live together until then.

I don't see why it would change things if you were living together anyway? If anything wouldn't it make things easier?

It is possible to put all the legalities in place if the idea of a traditional marriage doesn't appeal to you. It doesn't appeal to me at all as I don't want to make the same promises etc as joe bloggs up the road and I would never change my name or be known as mrs so we never married but all teh legal stuff is sorted.maybe its not for you

I wouldnt say it makes it harder. Harder to split up maybe, and there is more incentive to actually make an effort to sort things out, rather than just be able to pack your bags and walk away.

It also shows that you have a deep committment to each other, that makes the relationship more important than just living with someone too.

I lived with other partners before I met my husband, but I never felt that they were "the one", and did not want to make that final committment to them. When I met my husband I knew that he was the man I would marry, and I was right. :).

We have had tough times, but we worked through them, as neither of us wanted to divorce.

I don't find marriage hard - I'd find living with someone and having their kids without the safety net of being married much harder.

It changed bugger all for us. We were already living together with a toddler DS. If anything, it made me feel more secure and 'cemented' in to our relationship. I'm one of those weirdy freaks, though, that actually likes my husband .

Marriage changed nothing for us. Having DD changed things waaaaaay more (DD was 2 when we got married).

Hmm a tough one. I suppose if a person has not had children prior to marriage or lived together, then marriage is something that will prove to be challenging (not hard as such but a challenge), however, if people who ALREADY live together in a committed relationship with children, I don't see how it can be 'more' challenging as they are married in everything but name, anyway.

In fact, I should imagine that it is less challenging as at least the 'loose ends' legally have been sown up, then again, if the spouse has a lot to lose financially then perhaps it is a challenge as there is no longer the safety net of just being able to part without financial repercussions as regards to spousal maintenance and division of assets that are NOT jointly owned (obviously if a cohabiting couple who equally own a property in joint names split then they get half each, anyway).

I can't really think of anything that is hard about being married. DH and I lived together for a couple of years before we got married and things felt different after the marriage but only in a good way.

I hasn't made anything harder for me, and nothing has changed. We were living together before we got married though. And had already had DD. So there were no surprises.

I sometimes forget I'm married in fact even though it's been 3 years. I have referred to DH as my boyfriend fairly recently.

To be honest, if you wish to keep what's yours, and he wishes to keep what is his, you should not get married. Marriage is not some kind of 'optional extra', really it is not-it was designed precisely for the wellbeing of a long-term couple. In my opinion, I think people who are in it for life with children should always, always get married -if only to sort out the legal side of things. No use a person who is an unmarried sahp complaining if the law doesn't compensate them for parenting in the event of a split as there is already a ready made solution to help such people in event of a split i.e. marriage. The law will argue that if compensation is required, a couple should have married.
If you are in any doubt that you are not in it for life do not do it. Divorce can be costly- financially and emotionally- having your bits and bobs discussed in court and so on. Make sure you are truly committed before doing it.

Lots of people get divorced though so it is not really a safeguard against emotional turmoil only money and as I said before you can set up a legal agreement if you wish to clarify things. If it did anything for the long term well being of a relationship it would surprise me.No piece of paper can stop people getting bored with each other, falling out of love or fancying someone else!

I think being married to my husband is brilliiant. He always says that a man doesnt love a woman enough and she wont be a priority to him if they dont marry. I agree with him I think. I think he is more likely to go the extra mile for you, and put you first as you have both made a big commitment. Getting married is the best thing I ever did, apart from having a baby. Neither of us believe in having children before marriage, but I dont think marriage is hard really. Its just feels natural if you are with the right person.

I havent fell in to stereotypical roles, but then I was brought up never to be a housewife so its different I suppose.