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Relationships

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Original poster

marriage is so hard, it changes things

48 replies

takewhatyoucan · 05/04/2011 08:58

Background: DP and I considering marriage.

But, something is holding me back. I saw a programme last year about marriage. The interviewed married couples pretty muuch all said, 'marriage is so hard, it changes things', but none of them said what exactly is so hard, or specifically how things change.

I have spoken to married friends who agree, but couldn't really give any specific examples.

Before getting into marriage, (never been married before) I nedd to answer this question - what is hard about marriage, and how does it change things? Or, do you diasgree?

OP posts:

Wamster · 05/04/2011 14:53

It certainly is NOT any safeguard at all against emotional turmoil, but, in all honesty, I don't think that is the point of marriage.
It is designed to protect interests of sahp in event of a break up and it also ensures that the powers-that-be are totally aware of who inherits etc in event of a person dying intestate and so on. Like I said earlier, cohabitation does not provide this protection in itself (obviously, people can make wills and so on) because the state cannot equate living together with lifetime committment (nor should it).

noddyholder · 05/04/2011 15:51

You see I have no problem with the fact that it is a legal agreement which protects stay at home parents etc but the view like noodle's dh that a man doesn't love you enough is juvenile and bollocks really.

noodle69 · 05/04/2011 16:13

It depends on your view of marriage though noddy. My parents think the same and they have been together for over 40 years, grandparents were together from teens till death etc. We have no divorces anywhere in our family though so I suppose it makes us biased.

noddyholder · 05/04/2011 16:16

I have been with my dp 20 years and I just don't like the inference that a marriage is more based on love than a regular partnership. Looking at the divorce statistics etc it certainly isn't! And affairs etc.I do know a lot of people who have been divorced though and at the moment know of one couple where the woman is forever boasting about their perfect life while her dh is sleeping with his PA and another woman at the gym!

noodle69 · 05/04/2011 16:19

its up to you or anyone else how they do things, but everyone can have different beliefs. I have very strong views on marriage for myself as that is how I have been brought up, but everyones different.

going · 05/04/2011 16:20

DH and I married after 11 years together and 3 kids. Things have changed as marriage was something that we always felt we should do but neither of us wanted a wedding. We finally plucked up te courage and elpoed - our relationships has strangthned (which suprosed me) but I thinks it's because we no longer have the thoguht of a wedding hanging over us!

empirestateofmind · 05/04/2011 16:37

RudeEnglishLady said "There is no need to go into this thinking it is going to be harder! You will then maybe even get a self-fulfilling prophecy."

On the other hand I do think you should go into marriage expecting to have to make an effort and expecting it to have its ups and downs. If you expect it to be all hearts, roses and swinging from the chandeliers you will probably be very disappointed.

noodle69 "He always says that a man doesnt love a woman enough and she wont be a priority to him if they dont marry." and "I havent fell in to stereotypical roles, but then I was brought up never to be a housewife so its different I suppose."

I think the first sentence speaks volumes about your DH. It makes him sound positively medieval. I am not sure what you mean by the second sentence.

noodle69 · 05/04/2011 16:42

I was saying in response to an earlier poster saying she has lost herself and feels like a second class citizen as a housewife. She said women lose themselves more on marriage. I was writing I havent found this but it might be different as I have never been a housewife so my husband does 50/50 of cleaning/childcare etc.

I dont think its medival to think that its just old fashioned values I think.

NorthernSky · 05/04/2011 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted

noddyholder · 05/04/2011 16:54

I feel very connected to dp even without ds. This has bonded us on a different level as we are both responsible for someone else and want to do the best for him.I still like the feeling of us being together out of choice even when it gets tough we have been solid and there has been no question of us splitting. Even if we did I am financially solvent and independent and I think once the kids are at school and the woman can go back to work she should have her own money and be aware of herself as a person and not just part of a couple. I think dp and I are together for love and friendship only we never talk about money!

Smum99 · 05/04/2011 17:34

I would listen to the 'something is holding me back' thoughts? Look into these as your instinct maybe telling you something.
I don't like the Mrs tag..just hate the term, why do women have Mrs or Miss?
DH & I together for many years before marrying - being married seems to convey some statement in society, people do usually assume you are married if you have children. I do like the fact that the legals are in place rather than having to draw up an agreement.

RingEir · 05/04/2011 18:11

I was very reluctant to enter into marriage, because I was worried that I would lose a part of my identity, and if I'm honest, had a bit of a commitment phobia:) However, after almost 11 years together (living together on and off, long-distance relationship, long story) we finally took the plunge 2 years ago and have never looked back. It was certainly the right decision for us, and in particular my DH, who is more traditional than me, seems happier in our relationship. I feel about the same as before, but more secure and stronger somehow. BTW I kept my own name, and we have separate bank accounts as well as a joint one. The only down side that I can think of is our sex life :( We definitely do it less than before which I think is due to laziness more than anything. And possibly the fact that I am 24 weeks preg. So that's my experience.

My advice to you would be to listen to your instincts. Maybe you are just not ready yet to make this commitment.

Good luck with your decision.

WhereamI · 05/04/2011 18:24

you can be taken-for-granted and the downside of the 'cementing', is not the cement itself but the way that is then perceived by your partner. They can cease to make an effort - they think you will not leave - and often, practically it is far too hard to (if you have kids, a mortgage, and you have no or little independent income). I think many men leave women to do the interactional shitwork - the maintaining of the relationship (organise a bbysitter so you can go out as a couple; book the restaurant; organise xmas, easter, kids' birthday parties, playdates, holidays). I didn't sign up to do that all on my own but that is what marriage has brought. I think men can reap alot of the benefits without the investment or hard work. They think once married, relationships are sorted - that they don't need work.

GnomeDePlume · 05/04/2011 20:34

I dont think that being married automatically means that the wife becomes in some way the domestic partner. It takes two to make the relationship. You can have the marriage that you both want in terms of respect and roles.

Many years ago I remember talking with an older lady at work. We were talking about who does what at home. At the time DH & I were both working full time and I said that we shared domestic chores. She said that she regretted allowing her husband to superglue himself to his armchair. Interestingly she felt some responsibility for her situation, it wasnt all his fault.

I have seen many women try to become domestic godesses when they marry only to regret it when their husbands really dont appreciate it. Sometimes I think some women do make rods for themselves and allow their husbands to become incapable of even the simplest domestic tasks. Annoyingly some of these types of comments appear on Mn:

he cant use the washing machine
if he does the shopping he messes it up
he doesnt remember birthdays etc

If this is the situation then do something about it! It's a washing machine not a space shuttle, it isnt difficult. Write a shopping list. Buy a calendar.

Any road up, I will stop ranting now as I have to go and iron DH's socks and pants. Yeh right! The only time I'll iron his socks and pants is if he is wearing them and I am sure he would say the same about me!

Hengameh · 05/04/2011 20:47

I am reluctant to ever marry again (a 20+ marriage behind me)

My new partner is a rubbish housewife but a fab cook. I wash up and wonder if this is the start ....

If I don't wash up he'll happily leave dishes for several days which I cannot bear.
He needs a dishwasher obviously

But it's like a red flag to me to avoid marriage because marriage symbolises a lifetime of servitude and supporting a 'him' whereas being single = pleasing myself

GrendelsMum · 05/04/2011 21:31

I don't think marriage is hard at all. And I haven't noticed that it's changed our roles in the home (DH cooks routinely, washes up, sees to laundry etc - I clean, cook when I fancy it, do DIY, and run house). Our roles have changed over the years, but I don't think it's marriage that's changed them. On the other hand, from chats with other women, I do think that there are numerous men who do have a perception of a 'wife' that's different from a 'partner', and do imagine that their wife will take on a range of tasks that their partner didn't.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 05/04/2011 22:05

I don't think it does make things harder. In many ways it makes them easier.

There are no elephants in the room, you both want to be together forever and have made a commitment to each other.

I cannot think of a single downside, I love being married to DH.

JaneS · 05/04/2011 22:15

I felt marriage made things easier for us.

Wamster · 06/04/2011 08:10

I don't understand the attitude that women do all housework when married only, I mean it's not as if this doesn't happen with cohabitation.
Men and women fall into these roles whether formally married or not, I find.
At least with marriage, if the b*** has enough of you you have some chance of getting financial recompense.
Highly cynical of me, I know. But I do not understand the reluctance to marry in those who live in long-term cohabiting relationships with children. It makes no sense: it's not as if they're living a swinging, single lifestyle.

noodle69 · 06/04/2011 14:32

I have been married 7 years since my teens and I never have, and never will do all of the housework, organising or chilcdcare. I have my own life and I intend to live it and havent got time to be waiting on anyone else.

FlamingJamie · 06/04/2011 15:02

Marriage isn't hard. A long relationship with someone, married or not requires effort and thought.

FlamingJamie · 06/04/2011 15:02

(BTW married for 14 years, together 21)

LaWeasel · 06/04/2011 15:08

Admittedly, we've only been married 3 months... but I don't feel like it has changed anything at all.

We were very solid before and had lived together a few years, already had DD... I'm not sure what there is left to change!

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