Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I stop myself begging him to come back?

50 replies

winnie · 30/10/2005 18:59

I know, it won't help my self esteem... it certainly won't get him back but I feel so heartbroken without him and so utterly lonely.

Today has been really hard without him & ds and when he brought ds back although he helped me move a washing machine he didn't ask me how I was or tell me about there day. He couldn't wait to get away.

How do I fill the emptiness? How do I hold myself together?

Tonihgt I can't stop crying

OP posts:
starshaker · 30/10/2005 19:00

just be strong hes hurt you do you want him to do it again (dont mean to be blunt) sorry ur having a bad time hugs xx

MamaG · 30/10/2005 19:02

Oh Winnie, I really feel for you. You will get through this. Don't beg him to come back, it might just put him off (it would my dh).

Be strong, remember this feeling won't last forver and if you can, glam yourself up and pretend you're not bothered - with most men, it would bring them back...

Big hugs xxx

Original poster
winnie · 30/10/2005 19:14

I know you are both right. It would be easier (alhouhg not much) if I never had t osee him again... I felt really angry until yesterday and then he told me what a mess he is and tha t he doesn't want us to tell ds anything yet ... realise thats really manipulative and need to get angry again.

OP posts:
MamaG · 30/10/2005 19:32

I don't know what happened Winnie, but if he's been a real pig and you know that you shouldn't have him back, then the feelings you are having are probably a reaction to being suddenly single/single mum ?

Better to be alone and happy than together and unhappy - better for the kids too.

Original poster
winnie · 30/10/2005 19:58

We weren't together and unhappy, we simply kept going around in circles... maybe thats the point ... maybe he has realised that he really doesn't love me

OP posts:
Original poster
winnie · 30/10/2005 20:26

I only realised he did still love me the week before he said goodbye for good. There is obviously a lesson in that somewhere... like I am a really appalling judge of character

OP posts:
Original poster
winnie · 30/10/2005 21:26

have written h a really angry email... am so tempted to send it but know I mustn't... why do we revert to wanting to behave like 15 year olds at times like thse?

OP posts:
glitterfairy · 31/10/2005 07:23

Winnie I really feel for you. I think it is a bit like an emotional roller coaster and it is certainly like bereavement. You need to allow yourself to grieve but also take steps to do other things. I have found it good to go out more and do more things. Use your friends.

The worst thing is seeing them again and knowing it will hurt and that they will do or say something to hurt you as well. My view FWIW is to go with the emotion and be true to yourself. I try as hard as possible to be grown up about it but know that somewhere there is a needy child who wants to be hugged and told it will all go away.

Original poster
winnie · 31/10/2005 08:25

Glitterfairy, what do you mean by 'going with the emotion'? If I go with the emotion I will probably kil him

OP posts:
sanchpanch · 31/10/2005 09:35

i really feel for you i have posted similar titles on here over the last few months, He left in june, and i begged him to come back try again etc, for about 3 months, well up un till i found out he had new girlfriend, then i decided enough was enough, although i still cry about it and still question what went wrong between us, because i cant really see a reason why we split and why he wanted to tear our family in 2.. but i guess he had his reasons, i have tried to stay strong for the sake of our girls, even when inside i am in pieces,
It is really hard but you need to try and find some strength from somewhere,
cant remember what the titles of the threads were, i shall try and look, they were in the relationship, and lone parent threads,

dont know anything about your situation, but sending you big hug, i do know how you are feeling

glitterfairy · 31/10/2005 09:42

Winnie LOL I meant be ok wiht what you are feeling not when oyu are with him but apart. I go from near hysterical joy at being on my own to deepest despair but am trying to stay with the feeling until it goes away and not fight it by trying to be one or the other.

Sorry if it was not clear.

Original poster
winnie · 31/10/2005 15:11

Sanchpach & glitterfairy, my first Sunday out the way... it can only get better

Now I shall restrain myself from begging (haven't begged but have told him in no uncertain terms how much he has hurt me).

He seems truly devastated by this too but I am finding it hard to have any sympathy. Now, somehow, I have to pull myself together and find the strength for the children's sake at least.

Feel in pieces but know I have to just get on with it...

OP posts:
doormat · 31/10/2005 15:14

winnie all I can say is it gets easier as time goes on
hugs
xxx

RainbowWalker · 31/10/2005 15:21

I would just like to second that - it does get easier with time - but it was a long time in my case because I resorted to finding another relationship for myself tht was totally wrong for me... it was a distraction at the time from al the hurt and jealous feelings - but wasn't the right solution in my case.

Only know that with the benefit of hindsight. Don't suppose that helps - but thought I'd add a comment and let you know I really empathise bit things DO get better.

I was where you are now back in 2000. Got remarried this year to a wonderful guy who (bless him) took on me, four kids and a dog - so there IS hope! Promise!! xxxxx

Original poster
winnie · 31/10/2005 15:36

RainbowWalker,this was the 'wonderful guy' who took on a child, a cat etc... but I know what you mean... although the thought of anyone esle makes my blood run cold!

OP posts:
RainbowWalker · 31/10/2005 15:41

That's a good thing then - stay strong. I think in my case it was done for all the wrong reasons - I wasn't very strong in myself (I'd been worn down over many years by my ex) I mainly got into a new relationship fast in order to make me feel wanted rather than wanting the new person.

Was a big mistake as he was a very besotted/obsessive person... and I couldn't get rid of him! My kids also got attached to him which wasn't good because after a few months when I came to my senses he was so obviously WRONG for me - I think I'd just forgotten who I WAS !

Find things that interest you - and friends that will support you. I didn't have a support network of friends at the time because I got so involved with the new man. That's what I'd change if I could go back and "fix" my life again...

Original poster
winnie · 31/10/2005 15:56

Rainbowalker... mmm... hindsight...

I think the hardest thing for me is the fact that 1) he really was my best friend (or so I thought) and 2)right up until last weekend we did a lot of things together. We went out once or twice a week on our own and we always did things as a family on Saturday and Sunday. Now I have all of these empty spaces to fill and no friends close by to fill them with (most of my friends are spread far and wide). So i know what you mean about not having a network of support.

Thanks for sharing your experience.

OP posts:
glitterfairy · 31/10/2005 21:32

Winnie I have just got back from a halloween party where everyone had a partner but me and where afterwards my xdh phoned the kids and told them he was staying with friends and that this weekend would be a surprise! My blood runs cold as I think of him with another woman and my kids going to stay but I cannot stop it.

I am better off without him and sometimes feel liberated as well. I just must keep remembering that he has hurt me physically and mentally and that I was miserable with him as well.

In the end I know things will get better than they are now. I trust that my life will improve over time and I am strong enough to cope wiht his hurtfulness.

Original poster
winnie · 31/10/2005 21:51

Glitterfairy, I am so sorry that you have had such a sh*te evening... I cannot contemplate the thought of anyone else in h's life and then by extension in ds's... it makes me feel physically sick so I do understand how you must feel even though you know you are better off without him.

I feel like I am going mad but hope that the fact that I am aware of it means I am not!

OP posts:
glitterfairy · 01/11/2005 07:49

Probably winnie! IME people with severe mental health problems have no awareness.

Thanks for the thoughts I am meeting him for lunch today to discuss child care and access. I expect he will misbehave but at least I can walk out as we are meeting in a crowded inner city space.

throckenholt · 01/11/2005 08:28

I have just caught up on your two threads - so apologies if this it out of place.

Have you tried writing to him - explain how you feel, explain your confusion about whether you do actually love each other, and should be trying to sort things out, or moving on.

You say he is a mess (as are you) - so sounds like neither of you are happy with the breakup, and neither of you were happy with living apart.

So get him to think about, and tell you - in a letter maybe, what changed last week - why the decision to call it a day. Maybe it was him deciding he had to do something rather than letting it drift on - but maybe it is not necessarily the right something.

Maybe you can each write a list of the good and bad things about being together, and another one for being apart - maybe that will give you some clarity and common ground.

And maybe you need to tell the kids that you and he are very confused at the moment and trying to work out what is best for the future for everyone, and you are finding it hard. Don't try and hide it from them that you are having a touch time emotionally - try and include them at that level at least.

Original poster
winnie · 01/11/2005 09:08

throckenholt, what a terribly sensible post. Thank you I think that maybe you have hit the nail on the head about why he has done this and I do like the way you have suggested we explain it to ds. (Dd is older (15) and she knows what has happened and doesn't even want to speak to him at the moment )
We are getting together tonight to discuss things. It seems to be the day for it Glitterfairy. Good luck with your meeting today

OP posts:
glitterfairy · 01/11/2005 09:18

Yes that is a great post and good luck winnie as well!

sanchpanch · 01/11/2005 09:22

hope it goes ok for you tonight, maybe you should let him speak first and say what he wants, before you say your bit!

I have found that it does get easier with time, i try not to think of him with her, because truly i dont know what he is doing at any time, so its all just fantasy, they might even not be together any more who knows....

I have also started a relate course called new life new challenge, which has been fantastic, it is for people who have broken up,

I also went to counselling on my own, to try and establish what i want, and she also made me see that i wasnt getting what i deserved from the relationship as his mother was higher up on his priorities than me and the girls, but at the time i just excepted it as it was better than being on my own, but now i realise actually it wasnt, and i do want more than he could actually offer me, even though is it terribly sad that the family has split, but i know in my heart that he would never change the way he is with his mum,...

I wish you all the best for tonight

Original poster
winnie · 01/11/2005 09:49

sanchpanch, before I lay my soul before him to be stamped on yet again I will let him speak first. Thanks for reminding me to keep some pride and dignity

I am cancelling my relate session as just getting there is incredibly difficult and the councellor who we've been seeing can only see me another two sessions because of other commitments so I am not sure it is productive to start something that can't be followed through.

What relate had done for me was deal with my complex relationship with my mother (???!!!) and make me look at what I need and what I was getting in the relationship and examine whether what I was getting was actually worth staying for. I can honestly say I don't need to examine what I want. I now know what I want. What I have to do is deal with what results from me not getting that. And for all of our sakes I realise, despite my hurt and despair, that I have to let him go (with love [puke emoticon]) and learn to be happy without him as my life partner knowing that he may come back to me and he may not. In the meantime I will try to discuss with him what brought him to the decision & how he feels about it, what I feel (whilst retaining a shred of dignity ), and ds & dd.

OP posts: