How do I stop myself begging him to come back?

[winnie]

I know, it won't help my self esteem... it certainly won't get him back but I feel so heartbroken without him and so utterly lonely.

Today has been really hard without him & ds and when he brought ds back although he helped me move a washing machine he didn't ask me how I was or tell me about there day. He couldn't wait to get away.

How do I fill the emptiness? How do I hold myself together?

Tonihgt I can't stop crying

Being suddenly rational doesn't make it any less painful though does it?

rationality quickly out of the window as he has told our mothers he does love me but only as the mother of his child

glitterfairy, how did it go?

Discussion with h was productive with regards to ds. He had an answer regarding what he has said to our mothers. More or less its that he has to say something (WTF?) Ho hum! Despite my anger yesterday afternoon I am feeling quite calm. having talked to him again I don't think he knows what he wants or what he is doing. I am simply going to endeavour to be strong and get on with sorting out my life and regaining my happiness.

Was a bit of a nightmare as he had just had my solicitors letter. He has since texted me to apologise. Thanks for asking.

I am glad you seem a little clearer about what it is that you want winnie and I agree with sanch that alot of the stuff I ponder in the dark nights is simply fantasy and our fears about what is in their head or what is going in their lives are often worse than the reality.

Clearer, stronger (in that I've stopped bursting intottears every five minutes) but happier and accepting? No

i only just feel more in control and i am 4 months down the line....

Even the last time he picked girls up i cried actually sobbed!!and said i cant believe we have ended up like this, but like he says he cant do anything to ease my pain because he has got to come back because he wants to,

tonite he picks them up and i have promised myself, i will not cry, i will spend time making sure i look nice, and be pleasant to him,,

I have come to the realisation he must be lovimg it, he has new relationship and i am also there crying to him so he knows i am still there if it all falls apart, I refuse to do it anymore,

And like he said to me a few weeks ago, i miss you and find it hard when i come round and you look more and more attractive, (i have lost 3.5 stone since split!!!) and looking back on it the day he said that was one of the rare days when i wasnt sobbing to him, i was in control, so maybe i should take someting from that, after all no one looks attractive sobbing!

sanchpanch, the losing weight is interesting isn't it? I just can't eat properly. I've lost 9lbs in a week! The irony is I usually deal with stress by eating but this I just can't eat properly.

I don't think for one minute it is easy but I've decided I need to retain my self respect and dignity. As far as I know there is no oneelse involved and he still says things which makes me think he doesn't actually know if he has made the right decision (and that hurts like hell) but I've got a daughter who is cracking up and a son who hasn't yet been told but knows things are wrong and I've decided in my own mind I have to just get on with it.
I am not sure your ex is loving seeing you so upset (if he's human) but what he thinks is irrelevant now. You need to think about you and put yourself first.
I have written myself a reminder of all that h has done that has hurt me in the last year to read when I feel myself likely to crumble in front of him. Don't like reading it as I do, remarkably, still love him and would like (in an ideal world) for us to sort this out but I am trying to be realistic. We had many, many good times together even in the last few weeks but their behaviour in leaving isn't about loving us and that is the bottom line. Whatever they say there actions are not those of people who love us
Think about yourself and your children x.

God so true Winnie. I have just put the phone down on my dh and said we no longer have a relationship nor are we friends.

Actually have spent the day sorting out my weekend and am going out every day some days lunch and evening and making sure I am busy. I will have to see him tonight but he was such a plonker this morning that I feel ok with being cold and distant! He is still seeing his other woman and that really is his choice.

God bless your hearts, it hurts like hell and has been known to kill, that won't cheer you up though will it. Will think of something positive.......

you become purer and stronger, more intune and ready to embrace your talents. you find your crestivity and true self. How's that?

( oh you also cry but nobody knows and then smile because you know you are one tough bugger and other people couldn't cope)

Saying all of this though i do remeber not being able to function, or breathe, or move, or wash, or above all, get him out of my heart.

THanks FF! But look at you now though!

Glitterfairy, good for you. Have a good weekend

Thanks fairyfly.

I am cross with myself as h sent me an email about ds and attached an email for dd (asking me to read it to check it was ok) and it says he has left because he has been living a lie and he only loves me as the mother to our son. And I am cross with myself because I responded by sendinghim an email back telling him he is a liar bla, bla,bla (because however it is cut he has lied and lied again and again and again)... He has spent six months trying to convince me he loves me. I am finally convinced and he goes... that is cruelty

It is so hard Winnie. I lost a cheque book in dhs car (we swopped for the weekend as he has the kids and my car is the family car) and found her mail in amongst the stuff on the floor. It sends me into a flat spin. I get angry and loose it with him and this is not good.

Yours sounds a complete twat like mine and in the end we will be better off without them but we are nice kind and caring people who want to be happy and it is hard to let go gracefully.

Glitterfairy that must have been so hard. Poor you

On reflection I don't regret responding to the email it wasn't a tirade and it wasn't a 'you bastard' so he can make what he will of it.

I have found today very long ds doesn't understand why daddy hasn't been here and has been quite clingy. Dd is very stressed. I know I have to find it within myself not to sit in all day but the weather has been dreadful. I did take ds for a puddle splashing walk which was fun Onwards and upwards and all that

cant stop long - kids need a bath

sounds like my H is in the same club as yours

be strong - mine only left Sat and Ive cried once today...even when found out that SHE is staying in the same hotel as him tonight when hes meaant to be having a break to think things through
complete c#nt and I NEVER EVER use that word

keep strong girls

Nightmare got home and dialed 1471 and she had phoned here when the kids were up at 7.30 only know because I dialled the number and she said hello babes obviously thinking it was dh!

I am so angry. The kids have rung me several times over the weekend to complain about him jokingly trying to strangle ds who phoned me crying saying he had been hurt! Now opened my email to find one from my eldest dd saying she is frightened of him and he is scaring her and she doesnt want me to go away. Oh God he is looking after them for the next two nights as well.

I am going to go but have a really good think about child care and how much I need to go away now! I have written her a text asking her not to phone my home and telling her she has destroyed their happiness but havent sent it yet!

Mrs M have followed your thread but never posted as I always feel guilty because I had an affair as well. The problem is I came back and tried again and realise now that the affair was a symptom of his abuse of me. Oh what a mess know I wont sleep now.

Hi Glitterfairy, oh pet my heart goes out to you, hope you do manage to get some rest tonight, thinking of you [[[[[hugs]]]]

NO rest so far but plenty of time to think! Thanks for the hug it has meant a lot. I have also got ahead and done the lunch boxes for the kids and put a little message in each one for them to know how much I love them.

oh Glitterfairy, what an a*se he is (understatement)! You must be really worried about the children. Has he always been like this with them? Did you send the text?

Thinking of you & sending you lots of strength x

Havent sent it yet but will.

Yes he has always been a bully with the kids when I am not around. Sometimes he is lovely with them especially when relaxed though. He used to hit my son round the head! I had a cuddle with them all in bed this morning and they said he had shouted all weekend and been on the phone to her!

Nightmare they need a dad and he keeps telling me I am denying him that right. I let him have the house for the weekend and then this happens. Got a few hours sleep at least but am still hopping mad and really upset!

Glitterfairy, just hold on to the fact that you are being completely reasonable and fair and if he can't act reasonably and fairly (whilst it is heartbreaking for your children) his actions are not your fault. I am glad you managed to get a cuddle with the children, take care Winniex

THanks Winnie. had a good chat with a friend who knows her as well and she said if I care about the kids perhaps I should make sure she is around when he sees them to prevent him behaving badly because he will show off and try to be nice in front of her.

She said in the end it is up to me but I need to look at what is good for my kids.

OMG Glitterfairy that is a really hard decision to make because I know I wouldn't want her anywhere near my children if it was me (& yet there is some bizarre logic in it). Am on your behalf. It is so unfair to be put in this position.

Been reading this thread and couldn't jsut read and run... feeling for you GF and Winnie right now - as you may remember Winnie I've been exactly where you are now - and there are so many similarities reading through Glitterfairy's posts as well...

Tough. Bloddy Tough isn't it. Don't know what to say to help, except hang in there girls - your children deserve your love and commitment and honesty to grow up as well-balanced human beings... and before you know it, like my children they'll grow to realise that Daddy only talks bullsh*t and only knows how to manipulate a situation - until they get wise to it... then NO MORE manipulation... trust me... my kids are SO switched on now... they're all great little judges of character.

xx

thanks rainbowalker