Have split up, need help to deal with him until I can move out

[redhappy]

I ended the relationship last night. It's been a long time coming.

Basically we had been seeing each other for 4 weeks, he wanted to finish things and ten we found out I was pregnant. That was 5 years ago since then we have had another baby, moved house many times, to be closer to my family, then to be closer to his. We have tried really hard to make it work.

However we don't make each other happy. He has been abusive at worst, and generally unhelpful, unsupportive, critical... I don't know. He just doesn't like me.

It has been hard for me to come to terms with my children not growing up with their mum and dad together. My parents split when I was young and I was so determined not to do that. Of course now I've come to accept what's best is a happy healthy home. Our son has special needs and he has been particularly unhelpful with this! It has upset me, but now I really have let go. I wasn't going to write any of the above but I realised anyone reading this would need some context.

So, basically, we've been miserable for 5 years, trying to make it work for the kids, but it hasn't. He also has 2 much older children from a previous relationship so it's been a demanding time as well.

Last night we spoke and agreed it was for the best, that we would miss each pother, even that we loved each other, but not the right kind of love. I'm happy to leave it at that. We don't need to shout and blame and fight now. Just be practical about moving on.

That's one of the reasons I can't be with him though. Emotionally he is so very immature. Last night I really thought things would be ok, just one more week of school, then I was going to my mums for the easter holidays. This morning has been a different story though.

He asked me what was happening, said the ball was in my court, I said we should talk about it tonight. Then we've both had a chance in the day to think about what we need to sort out and start making plans. I then said I would need to talk to my mum first because I'm going to be moving into her house initially. He wouldn't let me go and get the kids ready for school, and says he didn't know what I was talking about . I explained that I was answering the question he'd asked me. He didn't even get this.

Sorry, I know that is a petty little thing but I wanted to show how he can be.

Basically he is an intelligent man, who has had a hard childhood (abused, and also nelgected in parts) he has never grown up emotionally. Now he smokes cannibis so he is either disengaged from reality, or when he hasn't got any he is volatile. Blames women for all his problems. Shouts to intimidate me and his children. He's now saying I've used him up, got what I wanted now I'm off. My life has been shit! I can't afford to go anywhere or see anyone, I left my friends to live closer to his family. I walk 30 miles a week taking kids to and from school and extra things for my sons sn. I certainly haven't 'gained' from this relationship (apart from my children of course).

I could really do with some techniques or even just general advice to get through this week please

How can I respond to just keep him calm, stop him taking it all out on me. Already he is becoming incoherent and contradicting himself. When I make sense in response and he doesn't like my answer he claims he doesn't know what I'm talking about, makes out I have started the conversation.

Sorry it's so long. Hope I've made sense.

Just see the end goal, the peace, serenity and NOT being abused. See that in the distance and know that soon it will be your life.

Let all this bullshit wash over you, try not to let it get to you, try to focus on this being merely a hurdle you have to endure and that soon, very soon you will be free.

If he were that intelligent, he'd know better than to treat you like this. he has abused, gas lighted and eroded you over the years and this, dear girl is about to end. He knows that he is losing control over you, so he will flare up, he will use all the tricks in the book to get you back under his thumb. Know that there is nothing you can do to walk any lighter on eggshells than you already are. Even if you were levitating, he'd still kick off about something.

If he gets violent, or looks likely to, call 999 straight away, every single time.

I know this because I just ended a 10yr relationship with a dope smoking abuser who kept me on a short rein, refused to support my social life, destroyed, or tried to, everything I loved, valued or derived any pleasure out of. the day he left was the most extremely manipulative day of my life, I was literally numb with shock at the end of it.

You know where I am, you can PM me, or reply here and I'll hold your hand until you are free.

This is hard, I know it is and it'll scare you and drain you most probably, but you will get though it love.

Well done for taking the step to regaining your own life. NOTHING could ever be as bad as living as you have done, or I have done, so deep breath and keep going.

I think you need to make all your arrangements to move out, then when that is done just tell him the date you are moving out on. He seems to be burying his head in the sand on this one. Long term use of cannabis can cause mental health problems and it is possible it is one of his problems. It can also cause mood swings amongst other things.

If you cannot have a sensible conversation with him at all, how about writing it all down?

This will get worse as the reality of the situation begins to dawn on him.

If I were you, if it were possible I would leave as soon as you can.

He's panicking, you've called his bluff and he can't believe you've got the guts to go through with it.
He doesn't want you to go.

Sorry thats not helping you cope is it!

Basically be prepared for a wide range of emotions from him, you have already 'left' mentally, he hasn't.

You may need to talk through the same things with him several times, don't back track on you plans though, reassurrance about seeing the children or having a proper plan for this already in place before you go could help him.

Herhissyness thankyou so mcuh. You really do understand. Yes I am going to do all those things. I am tryign already just my head starts to get cluttered with the pressure and he get's in through the cracks.

shimmery yes I am wondering if I need to leave before the weekend. I will see how he is tonight. My family have said they will pick me up at the weekend, but I have a friend who knows what he's like, and has been through the same, who says she come and get me anytime if I need to get out quickly.

The strange thing is, he really doesn't even liek em. He's got what he wanted now, I'm going, he should be pleased. He has been threatening to leave his job for years. Now he can, he wont have to support us.

His parting words this morning were that he had a lot to do, and I was going to have to look to sorting myself out. I don't want anything from him anyway. I'm to keep access to a minimum, not because I don't want them to have a relationship, but because I have seen how he is with his older 2 and I can't let that happen to my children.

Like Hissy says, grit your teeth and let it wash over you. It's only a week more compared to the 5 years you've put up with. Plan something lovely for Saturday.

If at all possible don't get involved in 'conversations' with him. Expect him to rant and be unreasonable and irrational; try to practice detaching yourself mentally and watching him as an observer rather than getting sucked in.

Like Hissy says, any inkling of physical violence dial 999. Keep your phone to hand.

I lived with XDH for 14 months after our split - he was much more sane than yours but it was still hard hard hard. But now it's all over, and like the pain of childbirth was all worth it in the end.

14m oldenough?

redhappy, there will be massive fluctuations in approach, be prepared for it, he'll go from nice to nasty, from sad to angry, to calm, detached and cold to reminiscing about the past. You name it, he'll try it.

It was this that really threw me, it really showed me how f*cked up he really was and actually strengthened my resolve, and prompted me to turn on my heel, bid him bon voyage and leave him at heathrow, without looking back once. Took me over half an hour to come out from the shock, I don't remember a thing about the first half hour of the journey.

Over two years for me, can I have a medal too? I've got two years' worth of diaries showing him having a turn like the one you had on the way to the airport at least twice a week, for two years between my decision to divorce and the absolute coming through, and then another four months of being divorced but living in the same house until it was sold (while he mucked the place up so nobody would want it, but thank heavens a developer did). In between he would be sickly-nice, especially when the children were watching.

Tell you what, never mind the medal, I'm ready for sainthood.

Annie, you know you already have a medal from me! One for long service to dickhead in the face of extreme adversity, and the other for Saying the Right thing, with a special mention for Making Me Laugh!

The only reason he doesn't get to do it to me anymore is that when he starts, I hang up!

Arise St Annie!

when a woman is leaving an abusive man,this is the most dangerous time for her.....i think you shuld be very,very careful now.

pack some important things and get them to a safe place. yours and kids passports,bank stuff,birth certs etc. an emergency overnight bag. be ready to go immediately

if he gets nasty and for him,all is lost,then he wont care about his actions til much later. i speak from experience. the reality will hit him hard.

Have been talking to a few friends who've been in similar situations before, they've all said the same thing. Good idea to get a bag ready. I have a couple of offers of a lift if I need it.

I honestly don't think he will be violent, because he would have done it by now. He does get very angry though, and I don't want the kids exposed to it.

The closest we've come is a few weeks ago. He was following me aorund the house shouting, I was trying to get away, going from room to room, there were children in each of the rooms though so I had to keep moving. Eventually I tried to shut a door behind me. He tried to push his way in but I managed to get it shut. It stopped him shouting and I walked away. Then he stormed through and out to the garden shouting 'don't fuck with me bitch'.

He had a fag came in and said sorry and we haven't mentioned it again. That's the most physical it has ever been.

if you hadnt kept moving from room to room? if you hadnt shut a door behind you?

you did those things through fear.....protecting dc from seeing it i guess

he will up the ante at the point of leaving.......sounds like he has potential to be violent to me. get the important stuff out of the house,as sometimes men use it as another form of control......dont forget baby pics,sentimental items etc,as he will know how to hurt you,even if not physically

redhappy, that is abuse. it's a precursor to violence.

pack the bag, hoping you will never need to use it, and most likely you won't but just to be on the safe side.

He might not go further with the physical stuff - they don't all. XH didn't, in fact I was more worried that he would do something awful to himself that would upset the DCs, but he didn't do that either. However you can never be 100% sure what another human being will do when the chips are down, and it doesn't hurt to be prepared.

Wondering whether to change my name to SaintAnnie now

He and his ex were violent to each other, so it is possible. But that's what I meant by it would have happened by now.

Have just picked up some boxes from the supermarket so I can start packing, and mum is coming to pick us up after I finish work on saturday, I will go and hand my notice in tomorrow.

Ds has a paediatrician's appointment tomorrow. That's the one thing I have to hold on for really.

Best not to wait around and see if he IS going to lash out. Not worth the risk

SaintAnnie, definitely! I'm LOVING my new title....

I know, will have to play it by ear right now though.
Trying to get as much done as I can today, once appointment is done tomorrow I'm free to go. Would be nice to finish the school term though. The school ahve been AMAZING for ds. He couldn't talk when he started there in November, now he can do all kinds of things. I don't know why, just feels like we need to see it out properly.

Dont be surprised if your ds develops in leaps and bounds once he is out of his current home environment!

Well done.

oh that made me and also set a flutter in my heart. I am absolutely doing the right thing. Me and my little family will thrive.

He should be home in about 15 mins, and that familiar feeling is back. Hadn't realised how scared of him I am. I made enough dinner for us all, so hopefully he will just eat that and then leave me alone.

we will be thinking of you.

redhappy, i'm there with you, I know that feeling all too well.

Don't miss it for a second.

My DS is 5, he'd happier now than he was a month ago. I can see it. His developmental issues are improving day by day.

He has just gone out. God this all feels so unreal.

Nobody wanted dinner. I didn't either but I ate because somebody had to! I couldn't face making the kids eat tonight.

He went upstairs for an hour when he got back, shut the door. Then he came down and told me he hurt all over, that last time we split up he wasn't bothered, he didn't care, but this time he'd learnt to love me. He thought I wanted looking after, and he wanted to look after me. And now he has wasted 5 years of his life.

Then 20 minutes later he needed to know if I really meant it so he could get on with his life.

Then after he comes looking for me to ask if there is anyone else (which is laughable really if you knew my life!).

It's really got hard now thoug. I've had the best day in ages ironically! Spoken to lots of friends who I've avoided talking to for such a long time because there was nothing I wanted to tell them about my life, and everyone has been so nice. They've said what a dick they always thought he was, reminded me of how crap he's been, how great it will feel to be away from him. I was feeling so positive, and now he's made me feel so guilty for that.

Luckily he's gone out now and I can smile again without worrying it will annoy him.

The most interesting thing is when he was talking about how I'm just getting rid of him like that, I've used him, he's wasted 5years etc, it was a complete deja vue to splitting up with my last boyfriend. That tug on the heart strings, wanting more than anything to say I'll stay and do whatever they want to make them happy agian, feeling like it's my fault- but also just looking at them and thinking what are you talking about?! you haven't looked after me! I have to beg you to get out of bed at midday every saturday to watch the kids so I can go to work, sometimes even then you don't get up and I have to beg your teenage son!

Wow it does feel good to write it down. Stops me beleiving him too, 'telling' someone else I can see it through an outsiders eyes and realise what crap it all is.

How did the appointment go?

It went really well, thankyou.

Feeling drained but peaceful right now.

He woke me at 1 am last night to talk, say he was sorry. I told him all the things he'd done and he was shocked. Seems to have taken it in.

Today his mother had collect dd for me, when I met her we ended going back to ers. Have spent the afternoon with her telling me he has fallen in love with me now, what if he changed, got counselling etc would there be any hope? That it's her fault the way he is, not his.

I told her lots of people have shit lives, but we all choose how we behave towards other people. That I couldn't say anything about my future, whether there is any future for us, just that it is up to him how he chooses to live his life from now on.

She's almost harder work than he is!

Was very difficult, like she was dangling a carrot in front of me. I wanted so badly to say yes, if he changed everything would be fine.

But it wouldn't. I can't be with someone I am expected to feel grateful to for their love. Why has it taken him 5 years to fall in love with me? I think I'm better than that, I deserve better, I believe I will meet someone who will love me from the start. And if I don't I will love myself enough that I'll be fine.

The paediatrician was lovely. She used to work in the county I will be moving to, so she has referred us to the best pead in the county . Arranged lots of things to help me get some dla, and is trying to arrange lots of other things. I'm in shock about some of the things she said. We were both in tears in the office! I'm finding it hard to even write, making me see my confidence is low. Basically I asked her if there was any way I'd caused ds' problems, if it was my fault in anyway. She absolutely not, it was genetic, and that I had the best understanding of his needs out of any oarent she'd seen and was doing the best job . Am crying as I write this. It has been the most important thing my life since we found out he had problems. I suddenly realised how hard I'd worked, and just to hear someone say they could see it too...

His mum has really fucked my head up now. It's sop unfair, I want us to all be together, it's not my fault and yet I feel like the bad one now for leaving. I wish someone could take my place and do this week for me, I would like to just sleep.