Please stop me feeling so angry

[twinkle1010]

Short story is H left last August to be with OW they now live together. (Hes done loads of crappy things over the last few months eg introduced DD to OW despite me saying no/is going abroad with his whole family on what would have been our wedding anniversary cyprus which is where we got married.)

Im so angry with him, every time I think of him/speak to him I feel such an over whelming rage. Please tell me I wont feel like this forever. Im crying as I type this, I dont even recognise the person Ive become. I hate feeling like this, I just want to feel normal and happy again.

If I rewound my life back a few years I could have written this exact story.

Its awful to go through at the moment and its unfair of your ex to introduce your dd to the ow without your consent, mine did the same, no respect.But the ow will NEVER be thought of in the same way your dd loves her mum.

As time goes on it does get easier an one day I'm sure you will wonder what you ever saw in your H.

Good luck I promise you will be happy again !

I'm sorry - if it helps, it's not unreasonable anger. He sounds like a complete tosser - you should be angry. I'd be angry - anyone would.

But I agree it's not healthy - you can go and see Relate on your own, to get a bit of closure, if you think that might help. You need to draw the line in the sand, and it sounds like you're a way off that - some counselling might help with that. And you will feel normal and happy again, but it will take time.

You have a broken heart. It takes time to mend but sometimes, when they treat you appallingly, it stokes up the anger which can limit the heartache a little. There are phases to go through and you may have to self counsel a little to actively stop brooding on things that you cannot change. You will get over this, of course you will. It just sounds as if it is all still raw. Someone gave me a bit of advice, learn to live well as well as you can.

Remember, you are worth so much more than a cheating twat so don't give any more of your heart over to him by caring about his life. Concentrate on making some small changes in yours and learning to be happy in different circumstances. Good luck!

Twinkle, I, too, could have written your post - ten years ago. You have passed from the shocked phase to the angry phase. It doesn't feels unpleasant and so hard but it is a form of progress. You will gradually get the anger out of your system. If you can, treat yourself now and again - manicure, massage or whatever feels good. Accept any help that's given. Maybe there are some Mnetters in your area who would understan.d how you are feeling. Take care

Sorry, should have said either 'it doesn't feel pleasant,' or, 'it feels unpleasant.'

Thank you for all of your posts. It's good to know that although it feels awful that it is something that is common/ok. I used to be such a laid back chilled person but everything he does makes me so angry.

I seem to crave all contact but at the same time loath speaking to him/seeing him. I've asked him to only contact were completely necessary (and by text/email) and I hate it when he rings. But there's also a tiny part of me that feels hopeful when he does.

Take today as an example, he gets me a mothers day gift of dd I'm pleased, say thank you via text etc. Then he phones later and asks if he can have dd all next weekend. (we have previously agreed one overnight per weekend as she is only young.) I asked him why and eventually he admitted that him and ow want to take dd away for a couple of nights.

I'm so angry with him, feel like he was just softening me up. Hate the thought of my dd away for the weekend with her. We ended up having a big fight on the phone and I hung up.

I'm so fed up of all the arguments. We used to be so happy.

You are still grieving for what you have lost, you have yet to move on, when you do so you won't feel so angry anymore. A part of you still waits in hope that he will change his mind.

Until you can get over the grieving process you won't be rational.

Sorry things are bad right now. But you have to do what is best for your child put the child first, if you are uncomfortable with the whole weekend say no.

You are entitled to feel angry tbh. more than entitled. It's a stage you have to work through.

If the arrangement is for him to have DD one night, and it doesn't suit you to change it, say NO. It's your decision. FWIW, I don't blame you at all, there is no way in hell an OW would have my child for any time at all. The arrangement is made for your XH to see his DD, it's not with the OW.

H already disregarded your totally correct wishes NOT to introduce OW to your DD, what ELSE will he ignore? He can see your DD. OW on the other hand, need not.

Tell him if he wants to go away for the weekend, you are happy to swap weekends with him, but that you will only allow 1 overnight visit, and ideally no contact with the OW. If he can't honour your feelings and wishes then you can remove the overnights, and make it day time only at a contact centre.

Herhissyness, they live together so every overnight that he has DD she is there. It is heartbreaking when DD comes home saying her name and talking about the things that they have done but I just pretend its fine so that DD feels ok about the whole situation. She is only 3 and has had so much change in her life.

I feel so powerless about this whole situation. He says that as OW is part of his life now I will just have to accept that she will be part of my DD as well! Ive managed so far but I feel like a weekend away on a nice little 'family' holiday is just a step to far for me. His whole family have also accepted her as part of them and I feel completely replaced. (We were together 14 years and four months after he left she was at his mum and dads having christmas dinner with them and then practically lived with them till they found a house to rent!)

He always makes me feel so unreasonable saying no. He often says things like its not about you its about DD and Ive got to put my feelings aside to make this situation work. Unfortunately its really not that easy.

So sorry this is a long post, hope it makes sense.

Twinkle, I went through the same thing. H introduced DC to OW two weeks after leaving me, and before I even knew she existed.

They lived together immediately, so she is always present when he has the DC.

We were together for 12 years, married for ten. His mother and family all go round to his and OW house for dinner, with my DC. I have been replaced also.

HOWEVER, I can now balance this out with the fact that I am free from this man. That the children will never love OW like their own mum. That I am doing my best for the children and putting them first and always will. I have some brilliant days, then some days where the enormity of it all hits me and I worry about the future.

Chin up.

Twinkle my xh left last xmas and did wait 4 months before full on intro to his ow.

Getting used to them being around her and her large family has been far far harder than him leaving.

They are now 12 and 14 like you I have mostly kept smiling so that they dont have to worry about how I feel about her etc but for a few months back there hearing what they had done with xh , her and her dc was sooo tough.

Now ? Nothing has changed but I am just not preoccupied with it any more and am more focused on me when they are with them iyswim. Also I am more pragmatic now and just feel pleased they seem ok with her and dont say they dont want to go to xh etc

Trust me though no matter how small a dc they know and you will always but always be top dog

Its not what you want to hear maybe but the one thing that will ease this is time and further detachment from your h

Keep strong

You have to go through this grieving process before you can objectively stand back and say with conviction, "I am well rid of him."

Twinkle.

When do you want "the rage" to stop?

Whilst I've not been cheated on, I remember "the rage" I felt after I split from my kids mum and she decided she didn't want to be the main carer, so I had to either step up or put them in care. Being a single dad at 28 was certainly not part of my life plans!

Christ was I bitter & angry. I remember venting my spleen to everyone. Even her family. Quite what I thought they'd say is beyond me?

But there comes a point when you realise that it serves absolutely no purpose. You can rage all you like. You can scream at him all you like. You can continue to blame him.

It doesn't change a thing.

You can either let the hate and anger eat you up. Or you can accept your new world and let it go.

Once you decide it's time to let go and move on, only then can you actually start to move on. Until then the hate will just make you into a bitter & twisted woman. The one who your ex will be laughing at with his OW. You know...."Oh lol do you know what she said today......"

In short, it's time to accept your life as it is. Have a think about where you want to be in a year's time, make some plans and work towards it. From the sounds of things at least your ex is involved in your DD's life so you will get some downtime to move yourself forward.

The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. It's time to stop hating him and get to not caring.

Thank you for all your posts.

Your all right. I need to accept and move on. I hate feeling so angry and I really hate drama and arguments, only ever wanted a quiet life.

I think part of me feels that if I accept everything and we start getting on then it's like accepting what he did was ok. I know I need to make this about me and not him now.

On the outside to family and friends I seem to have coped so well and have made a new life for myself (ready to move to a new house/going out lots etc) I just feel it's a bit hollow.

I'm going to carry on pretending I'm ok in the hope that I will be soon. Thankyou for all taking the time to give me support and advice xx

Hi Twinkle

What he did was of course not ok. You are not accepting that. What you are accepting is that it happened, this is your life now and it's time to move forward.

So if you are moving and going out more....what else do you want to do? Where do you want to be in a year's time? In five years?

What about dating again? Can you face that yet? What about taking up a sport or getting fit? The latter is great for self esteem.

The last thing you want to do is to pretend you are ok as you won't fool the one person you need to.....yourself.

What I did was I threw myself into my social life. I went out as much as I could with two kids. I dated anyone stupid enough to like me , took every invitation going. Then one day I just realised that I was happy.

You don't need to be bezzie mates with him, only fucntional.

If you don't like overnights, she's 3, she's very young, then stop them. Daytime only. Say no to the weekend if you don't want her going on it. You are her mother and YOU have the final say.

It IS somehow moving too fast, your ILs are shocking, do they keep in contact with YOU and the GC, or do they just go through the X and his OW?

I think it's admirable how stoic you have been, but tbh, it'd kind of made everyone think that you were fine with it all when clearly you are not.

Personal happiness-wise I think Niceguy2 makes a good point, the fake it till you make it, just keep yourself busy with social stuff YOU want to do, and everything else will fall into place. But it wouldn't hurt you to open up to someone in RL and get some RL there-there. Do you have a good friend/family member you could lean on a little?

Herhissyness, my family and friends are lovely but its been 7 months and so I cant help thinking that they are bored of hearing all about it.

Ive been going to an exercise class each week with a friends and accepting offers of nights out with friends and family which has been good. I guess Im struggling to accept this new life.

He left just as we agreed to try for another baby so I guess Im still getting used to that as well. Feel like my whole life plan for the next few years has dramatically altered.

I do feel incredibly hurt by the In laws tbh. Weve been together since we were 16 (30 now) so they were like my other family. I see them briefly each week as I drop DD off there one day a week as MIL looks after her. It is incredibly uncomfortable.

Twinkle
if you find dealing with MIL uncomfortable is there anyone else who could look after DD instead that one day per week.
Why put yourself through the heartache.
Your DD will still have contact through her dad with her GP's

Twinkle, 7m to get over the love of your life leaving and shacking up with an OW? It's going to take you longer than that! At least you have MN now!!

The entire rug has been pulled from underneath you hasn't it. The baby thing and then the affair, what a bastard.

you are 30? tough age to take all this on by yourself. when you hit 40, you take a lot less crap from people and you'd tell the IL off for being so spineless and disloyal to you. Take it from me, this almost 43yo gimmer here!

Would it help for you to withdraw from the lot of them for a while? suspend the overnight visits, stop the child care, just until you establish YOUR new routine. H can see DD for a few hours once a week, but that's it. You need a month or 2 off.

Then once you have realised that actually YOU call the shots now in your life, then you get to say when access is. You get to say, no, no overnights with a woman that is only in your H life a matter of months. you don't care where he lives or with whom or why, but there is no contact with a casual partner, not until they have been together a proper amount of time, and to be honest, not until your DD is old enough to understand. No weekends away, no holidays for the foreseeable future.

Your H doesn't deserve to have this playschool happy family shit going on, he ripped the life out of your marriage and you are being expected to just go along with it all. No wonder you are still livid!

ADD to this his parents opened their arms to HER and you are left out in the cold again? NO! this is not a family set up I would want my DC exposed to.

Take a deep breath and stand up, say NO. Once you start feeling that you are back in control of your life, the anger will stop building, and will eventually dissipate.

Hi Twinkle - so sorry to read what you are going through. I am going through similar with selfish so and so of an ex (like you, he is taking his OW up to his hometown this weekend to introduce her to his parents and friends back there - 12 weeks or so ago, I was sat in his parents house having Christmas dinner!! What on earth goes through these men's minds??!). I think that sometimes for the families involved it may be a case that they dont want to alienate the cheating spouse/partner by condemning or rejecting them. I do find this hard to swallow as would like to think that if my DS did the same, I would give him a right telling off, but just wonder if they feel compromised in a way....I dont think this is true in my case as never had a fantastic/great relationship with in-laws to begin with, well, everyone okay bar ex's dad......

I also agree that saying no can be empowering (need to do more of this myself).

I also feel your pain about a second child as I was in the same position - but now, given ex's wanky behaviour, I find myself actually thanking god that I didn't have a second baby with him as would have hurt even more to be handing over a baby to him and OW for their access rights or even just handing over two children full-stop.....I know its hard, but think of it as a lucky escape - he could have just as easily have cheated with an OW whilst your were preggers, or after you had a baby.....

My stupid ex has also requested taking DS up to see his parents (as they obviously cant be arsed to come down here) - said no, and he has dropped it, for now. I think that sometimes the cheating spouse/ex can try and push their luck and just expect things to go their way (remember, they usually have some idiot in the background who worships them, thinks they can do no wrong and that they have found the greatest specimen of man/woman-kind going....they expect everything). I would defo try and push back if you can, though in a calm and controlled manner. I find that when I respond with anger to ex, we just get into an argument and tbh, 9 times out of 10, I would rather spend my energy elsewhere (the other time, I can just be itching to get something across to him). Someone once posted to me that I should just respond in a neutral manner and repeat the same things over and over again - in a controlled way. It aids detachment, winds them up and makes them realise that they dont have any more control over you. Like Niceguy said, its all about indifference....

Anyway, am hijacking your thread! Just to say, you are doing fantastically well. I really admire your strength and courage - hope I can get there too!

Tbh I'd think there was something wrong if you didn't feel intense rage at some point in your recovery. 7 months sounds about right for the intense anger to begin to surface - yes, it's uncomfortable as someone said but imo it is a necessary and healthy part of the healing. I'm just wondering if you can vent it somehow? Safely that is. I am quite a physical person and for me it is necessary to be physical with rage - eg a baseball bat and some cushions, that's a good one. Someone on here took up kick-boxing when she was faced with the same things. It helps me to say all the unimagineable expletives when I'm being physical with the rage. I don't believe that rage turns to bitterness automatically - on the contrary, I think that unreleased/suppressed rage turns in, which turns into bitterness. Let it out girl, it's a good sign that the healing is on track.

YOU have to put your feelings aside to make this situation work?!

Er, no you absolutely don't.

You are a human being, your feelings are valid and you've been treated as a non-person by this low-life and his unpleasant family for long enough.

Don't mind all this bullshit about putting feelings aside for your daughter - he wasn't prepared to do that and has ripped her life apart. Now he's putting jis own feelings first again by trying to make a 3 year old validate his new bullshit life.

You don't ever need to accept what he's done as anything other than the actions of a complete shitbag. You can stop being angry about it, but you don't ever have to like it or get on with him or accept his relationship with this horrible bitch as anything other than the coming together of two utter shites.

Say no to things you don't feel are appropriate. He is not remotely interested in your daughter's wellbeing, so you will have to be. Unfortunately this selfish scumbag us her Dad, but that doesn't mean you should be sending her away for weekends with a virtual stranger at such a young age.

He doesn't deserve your goodwill, and he's a fucking cheek demanding it. Stick to agreed access, and refuse all contact except through agreed channels.

I can't believe he got you a mother's day present, what a sick joke. So cruel. Don't accept any shit like that from him again. Treat him as the non-person he had tried to make you into.

You'll stop feeling angry when your situation isn't so manifestly unfair.

Thank you for all your messages.

I feel like such a weak person. Im just so tired of fighting with him. I sad yes to the weekend (He rang/text me loads and in the end I just gave in.) Feel like such a failure :(

I know my DD will have a lovely time and I will just have to keep busy and not think about it.

I used to be so strong and confident. Not sure what happened.
I have been very firm about contact/arrangements up to now. Im just so fed up atm.

With some of the advice you are getting you could be heading for an expensive (financially and emotionally) court battle.

Is cutting down the contact going to benefit your child?
Is It going to benefit you?

It's going to happen, I think you do have to start emotionally disengaging, I did it, it can be done.

My two are going away for a week with ex and new partner soon, I could easily stop it, but who would that help?

I'm further down the line, and have moved on, it's hard but it's for the best

Listen love, you have been railroaded into this by a man who betrayed you.

Your DD is 3, fgs, she doesn't need to go away with them. there is plenty of time for that, after a few months of the father leaving and shacking up with his OW, it's fine for you to say er, NO, that doesn't work for me. You are not divorced, a contact agreement can easily be drawn up during that process, but this weekends away and overnights in HER house are not on so soon into the relationship. You are well within your rights to say no, and mean it. change your mobile number/phone number if you have to and insist on all communication through email only if it helps.

He rang and texted you loads to harass you into this. Bet he did that your entire marriage too didn't he? manipulate you to do what he wanted you to do the whole time.

You are not a failure, he is taking advantage of the damage he has wrought. He's destroyed your family and is now forcing you to play happy well adjusted EX when it's only just happened to you. What is in it for you to comply with his wishes? NOTHING, it just means he stops hassling you as long as you give in. he's bullying you, and you are feeling powerless because of it.

You are well shot of him tbh, you'll see that soon enough, but in the meantime USE that well founded anger against him and stand up for your family. Say NO and stick to it.