How do you help someone with a drink problem?

[Fallingstars]

I'm new by the way so hello everybody.

Well basically that is my question, can you help someone with a drink problem or is there nothing you can do if they won't help themself?.

My BF of 4 and a half years has (I believe) a drink problem but because he isin't putting vodka on his cornflakes of a morning he doesn't think that he does. We have lived together for just over 2 years and it wasen't until we did so that I realised what a terrible drunk he is. He doesn't go out drinking every weekend but when he does he comes home in utterly dreadful states. He often gets verbally agressive and abusive (even when I'm just sitting in house and have done nothing to provoke it) and is a danger to himself as sometimes he gets in such a state he doesn't know what he is doing. The year before last he got that drunk on his birthday that he fell down the stairs when he got home and it required an ambulance called and an overnight stay in hospital. A few months ago he got that drunk on a night out that he came in, nearly set the kitchen on fire and was so verbally agressive I had to leave the house for the night to get away from him.
Also he has started wetting the bed and sleepwalking when he is drunk! I stayed at my parents house on Friday night as I was going out for a meal with my mother and it was late when we finished up (I don't drive so I just stayed over). Boyfriend had gone out with his mates to celebrate his birthday. He picked me up in the morning and when I asked if he had been really drunk he said he had been ok and not too bad. We went out for the day and I bought him a meal in a nice resturant for his birthday and basically spoiled him. When we got home on the night that house smelt really funny and when I went in the kitchen I found urine soaked bedsheets in the laundrey basket! He has wet the bed during the night yet had fobbed me off saying he hadn't been that drunk! I think the worst bit was that he hadn't even attempted to wash the sheets and just left them stinking in the kitchen.
I was so furious I couldn't even look at him but this morning tried to speak to him and he said he was sorry for what happened but I 'Shouldn't have ruined his birthday by making a big deal out of it'!!!! I told him he had runied it not me and that he has a drinking problem (which he denies)
He says he is going to cut back on his drinking but he has already admitted that when he is out he can't stop drinking once he starts so how the hell is he going to cut back? I am at my wits end with it all and really don't know what to do. I think maybye I should try and get his family involved as they don't know what is going on. I feel like everything I say falls on deaf ears and I'm just not getting through to him!

I'm sorry, but I don't think you can help him. He has to wake up and see what he's doing.

In your position, I would leave him. It won't get better like this, not if he denies he has a drinking problem. For him to wet the bed, it's obviously gone pretty far.

Life must be difficult with him; wouldn't you feel happier and more at peace if you lived without him? Financially, too, it must be a hell of a drain on you both.

You can't help him if he doesn't want to stop.

I would also counsel against AA though - although it amy seem like a relief thet he isn't drinking you soon realise that your OH is caught up in another addiction - a quasi-religious cult.

Hi Fallingstars, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I lived with an alcoholic for years, and she was this way at first. Kept saying she wanted to cut down but couldn't and kept getting worse. Every situation is different of course, but you might find it helpful to find a local al anon meeting. I've found them very helpful, though admittedly since I left her. There are also support services who can provide one-to-one sessions and practical support for you. If he's hiding his drinking I don't think it's a good sign :(

Unfortunately, stopping drinking when it's a problem is really hard and so people only do so when they really want to. It can only be the drinker's choice and they have to do it for themselves. Your BF can help from his GP, or consider going to AA, though I know the latter isn't for everyone.

Hi my Dp was an awful drunk ( he would only have a session 2x a month and his drinking wasn't always awful but was like a child when he did)

I watched his behaviour and found he drank differently depending on the social circle, fine with me awful with his friends. I realised he assumed a role with his friends who without realising it encouraged his drinking.

Anyway, I basically would remind him of his actions and talk to him when he was sober a few days later. I then sat him down explaining it was his choice but if he was going to continue to binge drink to such an extent he would do more and more extreme things. I kept a diary over a few events to dhow him. I put it in black and White that his drinking would cause him to do something which would cause our relationship to end.

He then decided to give up drinking until he completed his marathon that winter, and has since decided he never wants to drink again!

I must add he is a professional 37 year old man and we had Bern together 2.5 years when he gave up. I work with people with substance misuse issues so I was able to make him see and spot it.

It has to be his choice but you can help

You will not get through to him as his primary relationship is with drink. Alcohol is also a cruel mistress.

Simply put you cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped so you can only help your own self here. Your man won't go to AA because he is in denial of his alcoholism. There is nothing you can do yourself to change that particular mindset.

You are not responsible for him at the end of the day although you probably think you are.

I would leave him in your circumstances as this is not going to get any better for you and he will drag you down with him. You're getting caught up in his alcoholism as well by enabling him. Most of your post too is about him.

You need to remember the 3cs re alcoholism:-

You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

Like Oberon says Al-anon would be a good source of support for you; I would urge you to contact them for your own sake. Their leaflets are also very informative.

You can't help him.

All the love, care and support in the world will make fuck all difference.

He has to want to change for himself.

And I know that sounds corny and trite, but it's corny coz its true.

God knows I tried with XP but he loved the drink/drugs more than me.

sorry

Thank you for all your kind replies.
I have been looking on the Al Anon website as many of you have mentioned and they look very good. I am going to ring the helpline tomorrow as I really need some support with this.
So do people think he is actually an alcoholic? He does not need to drink (in the sense that he is ill if he doesn't etc) He can go without drink for days at a time. It's just when he does drink his behaviour is utterly utterly dreadful 9 times out of 10.

MrsVidic, I have tried explaining how his behaviour makes me feel and frankly I'm starting to believe it falls on deaf ears, nothing I say makes ANY difference. Yes he is totally different when with his mates, they are very 'laddish' and hardened drinkers despite only being in their mid twenties! I honestly feel he does not take it all seriously enough, the day after he fell down the stairs and was hospitalised he was laughing as if it was funny. As I've said he says he will cut down but he never does. Even now he is out drinking with his friends when he was only supposed to be going out to watch the football, it finished over 2 hours ago and he hasen't home and I havem't heard from him.

Maybye there is a big red sign screaming 'He doesn't give a toss about you' and I, like a fool, am ignoring it?

If he won't listen to how it's affecting you/ your relationship you need to prioritise yourself I am afriad

That should have read 'He isin't ill if he doesn't' as in he isin't physically dependent on alcohol to feel normal, sorry

I'm not in a position to say if he's an alcoholic, but I can say this is exactly how it started with my XP, and as with you it didn't become apparent until we were living together. At first, she could also go days without a drink, but that changed over the years.

The abuse he's giving you also rings a lot of alarm bells with me. This is exactly how it was for me and that got much worse as well. I eventually left and would never go back, but no two situations are alike. There were other reasons why I left as well, which I've posted about before, but a lot of it was alcohol-fuelled. I can only reiterate that he has to sort it out for himself.

If I were ever in this situation again I would leave, but only you can make that choice as you know him. I've heard stories like mine, and ones from people who've stuck around while the drinker has addressed the problem. Unfortunately, if he's in denial it doesn't look good :(

Are you going to be alright if he comes home bladdered again tonight? Is there anyone else that could come round and make sure he doesn't kick off or to keep him out of the house?

I have experience of someone doing this type of drinking and its terrifying - really feel for you. I'd just cut my losses and get away from him.

My mother has said just to ring me and she will come over and pick me up if he comes home rolling. Which in itself is pathetic and shaming when you are 30 years old but I don't drive so I would be stuck otherwise.
And yes it is terrifying, I am sitting here feeling ill not knowing what time he will come in or what state he will be in. I honestly can't believe he has gone out and done this to me again. It is shaming, there is no other word for it, I can't believe I have gone over 2 years without twigging that he has a drink problem. Suddenly it is all falling into place

So sorry you are having to deal with this. It's not about how much someone drinks over a week, but about what happens when they do drink and that they are not able (or willing) to stop when there adverse consequences for themselves or for those around them.

I was engaged to an alcoholic once upon a time and found This site really helpful. Read the sticky posts at the top as there is loads of info there. Al-anon as well - try 6 meetings before you decide if it's worth it. All they ask is a very small contribution (like really small) and a bit of time.

HTH

Would you consider calling the Police if he's out of control and likely to damage your house or himself? It might seem harsh but a night in the cells is better than him burning the house down or breaking his neck. Might be a wake-up call?

Just think its sad and unfair that you have to evacuate and not him.

Oh - forgot to say. The shame is not yours - please distance yourself like Attila said.

Fallingstars, it does feel shaming, but you have done nothing to be ashamed of. I didn't tell a single soul until I left twelve years later, and it's the biggest mistake I have ever made. As others have said, you also must put your safety and well-being first. I didn't and I will be dealing with the consequences for years.

I don't think it's a case of whether someone is an "alcoholic" or not. I think it is more helpful to think in terms of whether his drinking to excess is having an effect on his life/health/employment/relationships. It is certainly having an effect on his relationship with you. Any behaviour that is excessive, be it over eating, smoking too much, drug taking, alcohol abuse etc becomes a problems when it starts to affect health/employment and relationships. His health must be affected - it can't not be. The thing is liver disease does not show its symptoms until the desease is well on its way and its then too late.

Many years ago I was married to a man with a drink problem. I was a young mother with a 2 year old and I too used to be scared about how he would be when he came home. He was only 5'6" but I am only just 5' and he used to hit me and kick me for nothing. He was always going to cut down on the drink but it never actually happened. I was fortunate enough to have parents who took me and my little boy back home. I divorced my husband.

Years later he was found dead in his flat - and whilst it was an open verdict, there were empty cider bottles all over the flat apparently and he was taking strong analgesics (distilgesics) for pain in a broken leg.

My advice is to leave sooner rather than later. You should not have to live your life in fear of any man. The outlook for change in these men is very poor and I would stop believing that he is going to cut down etc., it won't happen.

Well he came home drunk (but trying to hide it) When he is drunk he asks questions he knows the answers to already and then is astonished by your reply! It is hard to explain but he just goes on and on and won't shut up, talks absolute rubbish and then gets aggressive. I've left and gone to my parents because I could see it spiralling into a massive argument. I was asking him to just leave me alone because he was drunk but he wouldn't. Kept saying he knows he has a problem but then going on about all the things I need to change about myself!

I feel so pathetic going to my parents house like a bloody teenager when I'm a grown woman but I just literally can't handle another second of it. He is pushing me to my absolute limit.
Thank you again for all your kind responses, it is much appreciated.

Oh and Aye Robot thank you for the link, I am going to read it now

Honest answer? You can't. They have to do it for themselves, shit though it is

I lived with my DH for 12 years and he was just like you describe your BF to be.

He didnt drink all the time but when he did he just wouldnt stop.I lost count of the times he disappeared, came home and gave me all kinds of abuse, threw things and knocked holes in the wall, came close to losing his job etc.

HIs behaviour literally made me sick and I felt so lonely as I was too ashamed to tell my family or friends.
The way I see it is he put drinking way above my happiness. He knew how much it upset me and how much it was damaging our relationship but never said sorry and didnt try to change.

I left him last year and although it has been a huge adjustment being on my own I no longer have to worry about anyone but me

Good luck OP. I always thought I would be able to change him and spent 12 years trying without success.

Dont waste your life

The other thing to think about, OP, is that alcoholics aren't all abusive and aggressive when drunk. That's not alcoholism, per se, that's your boyfriend's nature. He's abusive and aggressive. Irrespective of the drink problem, I think you need to think about whether you can live with that. Do you want children with this man? Because frankly, you'd be an utter fool to have children with him the way he currently is.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell- That's a very valid point regarding my BF aggression. He is a very 'Angry' person in general. His family all go on about his short temper and the fact that he has such a short fuse. When we moved in together his mother actually asked me 'You do know what he's really like don't you?'. Which looking back wasen't a good sign especially considering he is the youngest of 4 brothers and his mother adores him.

I get tired of his short temper tbh,he gets angry over things and rants and raves even when we are having a nice time together he will go off on a tanget over something. It could be the other drivers on the road, someone parking in front of our house and BAM he is away! It really wears on my nerves.

Yes I would like children as I am nearly 31 now, I realise however that there is no way on earth we could start a family the way things are. We are engaged but again there is no way I would consider marrying BF the way things are, I'm not a total fool!. I can honestly see him as a full blown alcoholic in 10 years time and the thought truly terrifies me as although I'm painting a bad picture my BF is a lovely bloke in many ways and I'm scared his demons are going to destroy him!

"I can honestly see him as a full blown alcoholic in 10 years time and the thought truly terrifies me as although I'm painting a bad picture my BF is a lovely bloke in many ways and I'm scared his demons are going to destroy him!"

I would argue that he is infact an alcoholic now and he's got his finger on the self destruct button.

You cannot act as either a rescuer and or saviour within a relationship, neither approach works.

Where do you see yourself in say six months time, still with this man?. You say you are engaged to him, have you considered walking away now and whilst you still can?. You stay with him, you waste your life on him. By doing so as well you also stop yourself from potentially meeting someone new, someone who is also not a verbally agressive and abusive drunkard like your fiance is.

Do you feel responsible for him?. If so this is a mistake on your part as you are not responsible for him. Only your own self.

You made a relationship mistake with this man, that's okay to admit such a mistake. You should not compound this error though by remaining with him.
If you want children then this man won't be the one to have children with with. His relationship is now primarily with alcohol and alcohol is a cruel mistress. You are playing second fiddle to his drinking.

You need to realise as well that there are no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism; he could go on to lose everything and still drink.

EVERYTHING about this man is screaming 'RUN!'

Please, please end this. Now.

In order to love someone else and have a health relationship you have to love yourself and have a healthy relationship with yourself first. That's not much possible with you're with an addict.