How do you help someone with a drink problem?

[Fallingstars]

I'm new by the way so hello everybody.

Well basically that is my question, can you help someone with a drink problem or is there nothing you can do if they won't help themself?.

My BF of 4 and a half years has (I believe) a drink problem but because he isin't putting vodka on his cornflakes of a morning he doesn't think that he does. We have lived together for just over 2 years and it wasen't until we did so that I realised what a terrible drunk he is. He doesn't go out drinking every weekend but when he does he comes home in utterly dreadful states. He often gets verbally agressive and abusive (even when I'm just sitting in house and have done nothing to provoke it) and is a danger to himself as sometimes he gets in such a state he doesn't know what he is doing. The year before last he got that drunk on his birthday that he fell down the stairs when he got home and it required an ambulance called and an overnight stay in hospital. A few months ago he got that drunk on a night out that he came in, nearly set the kitchen on fire and was so verbally agressive I had to leave the house for the night to get away from him.
Also he has started wetting the bed and sleepwalking when he is drunk! I stayed at my parents house on Friday night as I was going out for a meal with my mother and it was late when we finished up (I don't drive so I just stayed over). Boyfriend had gone out with his mates to celebrate his birthday. He picked me up in the morning and when I asked if he had been really drunk he said he had been ok and not too bad. We went out for the day and I bought him a meal in a nice resturant for his birthday and basically spoiled him. When we got home on the night that house smelt really funny and when I went in the kitchen I found urine soaked bedsheets in the laundrey basket! He has wet the bed during the night yet had fobbed me off saying he hadn't been that drunk! I think the worst bit was that he hadn't even attempted to wash the sheets and just left them stinking in the kitchen.
I was so furious I couldn't even look at him but this morning tried to speak to him and he said he was sorry for what happened but I 'Shouldn't have ruined his birthday by making a big deal out of it'!!!! I told him he had runied it not me and that he has a drinking problem (which he denies)
He says he is going to cut back on his drinking but he has already admitted that when he is out he can't stop drinking once he starts so how the hell is he going to cut back? I am at my wits end with it all and really don't know what to do. I think maybye I should try and get his family involved as they don't know what is going on. I feel like everything I say falls on deaf ears and I'm just not getting through to him!

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I have experience of alcoholism and can tell you that just because he doesn't drink in the morning or drink every day, does not mean that he is not an alcholic. He cannot control his drinking and it is causing huge problems in his and your lives. Until he recognises this himself, there is nothing you can do. Nothing. He needs to get to the point where he is ready to give up drinking himself. I am sorry to say this but it is 100% true in my experience. HTH.

My father was an alcoholic and to be truthful he did'nt change he had 3 children and my mother stayed with him for 15 years he died quite young, but this does'nt mean that someone with a drink problem can not change but they definately need to admit that they have one, i really feel for you life can be so tough and if you love someone you really want to help them don't you not just walk away, perhaps you could go and stay at your moms for a couple of weeks, perhaps if he misses you he will be more likely to listen to your concerns and take them seriously.

Attilathemeerkat-Yes I suppose I do feel responsible for his unhappiness. Without going into details we/I have mad some decisions in the past couple of years that have made things really hard for us. I feel that has contributed to his problems BUT at the same time when I very first met him he was already terrible to deal with when he was drinking etc so I think the seeds were already there and they have just sprouted more in the past couple of years.
I am suddenly JUST starting to realise how much he prioritises alcohol over me. This weekend being a prime example, he really upset me getting drunk and wetting the bed and did he choose to make it up to me the next day? No he went out drinking with his friends to watch the football instead! We have been having problems in our day to day life but recently we have both been putting in effort to get along and treat each other well. So when we are getting on better he goes out and drinks and sabotages our relationship! I just can't understand where he is coming from and it makes me SO sad.

Ilikeshoes-I am really sorry to hear about what happened to you dad. Yes it is very tough watching someone you love acting in such a ridiculous manner but it is equally as tough being on the nasty end of their actions. I honestly don't think at this point that going to my parents would help, nothing does, not even falling down a flight of stairs and hospitalising himself worked.

He says he knows he has a problem and will 'Cut down' on his drinking (but when?, he has been saying that for months now)

Did any of the ladies who had/have alcoholic partners go along in denial for ages before they realised something was badly amiss? I feel I have been in denial almost as much as my BF and now it is suddenly hitting me I feel sick to my stomach!

I really feel for you, and have been in a very similar situation. I lived with a guy for 7 years. When sober he was lovely, but he would get drunk a few times a month. He would come home much later than I expected, or not at all. He would get arrested, miss last trains etc. He would be so hungover he would miss work, get depressed, lose his job. He would miss events we had planned together.

I tried every thing. Went out with him on the benders. Let him get on with it. Forbade him to go out. Locked him out when he went on a bender. Called the police when he got nasty. We moved to Australia to get him away from the family and friends that enabled his behaviour.

really there was nothing I could do that would have made a difference. As atillathemeerkat says, I was playing second fiddle to the drinking. He wanted marriage and children, but I didn't and certainly not with him.

Eventually I woke up one morning and told him to leave. After 7 years that was very very sad. I was heartbroken. 5 months later i met my husband, 3 years later I'm married to the most wonderful man and we have a one year old boy. Leaving the ex was the best thing I ever did. It was not as hard as I imagined, in fact the relief I felt was the most surprising thing. It has also taught me that if I had to, I could do it again. Leave him now, before you get any more entwined with him. It will be much easier than you imagine.

Fallingstars

You are only responsible for your own happiness; you cannot make some happy if they are inherently unhappy. They have to do that for their own selves. You also cannot save someone who does not want to be saved. Many alcoholics are stuck in their own denial bubble and denial is a powerful force. He can tell you he will cut down on his drinking but it has not happened yet and frankly it is unlikely to as well.

Besides that, where do you see yourself in say three-six months time?. With him and engaged to him still?. Do you really want to continue to be a dim and distant second to alcohol even if you do figure somewhere on his list of priorities?. Alcohol is the number one now in his life, its a cruel mistress too.

Where's your life heading now?.

I reckon too that all his friends are heavy drinkers. They tend to stick together and prop each other up.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. This is a question I feel you should ask yourself now.

Do talk to Al-anon and keep talking to them as well. You need their support.

I would reiterate the 3cs re alcoholism to you:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

Also, yes I was in denial. It was fairly normal in his social group to be like this, but not in mine (which I denied). I made excuses for him. I kept it up for 7 years!!!! Really I should have got out much sooner, he was a dick and a sponger. Part of me thought if I did the right things he would turn into the loving kind man I wanted him to be.

Moving out temporarily won't help. I'm not sure what will. I don't know what happened to him. We were in touch for a few weeks after we split. I suspect he is the same as ever.

Look after yourself (he won't, he's only interested in self destruction). When you split resist the urge to go back to him. It won't be hard as you'll feel much better without him.

You sound just like I did....an intelligent, ambitious person who has lost their way, and is being held back by someone else caught in a self destructive rut. Inbox me if you want more support from someone who has been there...

Is Al Anon the same as AA?

No.

Al-anon is primarily for family members of problem drinkers or anyone affected by a person's drinking.

Have a look at the thread called "Brave Babes" - see if there's anything on it that you might be able to get him to read and identify with.

FWIW - and I speak as a long-term member of AA who is also proud to be an agnostic atheist - I can assure you that AA is not a "quasi-religious cult" as someone helpfully suggested earlier. It can help people, so don't rule it out without prior investigation.

MIFLAW-I had a look on the thread myself so thank you for pointing it out to me. Don't really want BF to know about it tbh as he will probably just say something sarky along the lines of 'You can't ask strangers to help you sort your life out'

I tried to speak to him last night and he admitted that he knows he drinks too much but still says he does not have an alcohol problem as he does not need to drink and can stop anytime. I also pointed out that there are groups that can help but he said there was no point in going to any groups and that you either decide not to drink or you don't and it is a personal choice.

After about 10 minutes of discussing him he tried to turn in around onto how I'm not perfect either (I've never claimed to be and to be fair it wasen't me who had caused massive distress to my partner this weekend so I'm not quite sure what that was all about) He also said I shouldn't have gone to my parents on the Sunday night as he hadn't had that much to drink. I asked him how much he had drank and he said 6 pints! Now my BF only weighs around 10 stone and I have seen him well on his way on 2 pints less than that on a night out with me. Until I pointed it out though he seemed to have no comprehension that 6 pints might be too much if you really need to keep your facilties.

I just feel so angry and sick to my stomach, he says I get annoyed and raise my voice and I admit that I do but it's because he is so HARD to talk to. He makes me start to think that I am being unreasonable and that what I'm saying is out of order. My ex did the same as I am really bad at sticking to my guns and fighting my corner.

Sitting here wondering how yet again I've managed to end up feeling unhappy and like my partner doesn't give a s**t about me.

Well, if he claims that he can stop anytime, and just doesn't choose to, then he's saying that he is choosing not to - despite the fact that he is wetting the bed, scaring you and making you unhappy.

So in his own words, he is choosing alcohol over his fiance's wellbeing.

He's being pretty clear, here, Fallingstars. When a man tells you who he is, listen to him.

"he will probably just say something sarky along the lines of 'You can't ask strangers to help you sort your life out'" - REJECTING PROVEN SOLUTIONS OUT OF HAND - CLASSIC ALCOHOLIC

"he admitted that he knows he drinks too much but still says he does not have an alcohol problem as he does not need to drink and can stop anytime" - "YES, BUT" - CLASSIC ALCOHOLIC

"you either decide not to drink or you don't and it is a personal choice" - SAYING THIS WHILE ALWAYS "CHOOSING" TO DRINK - CLASSIC ALCOHOLIC

"After about 10 minutes of discussing him he tried to turn in around onto how I'm not perfect either" - DEFLECTING ATTENTION - CLASSIC ALCOHOLIC

"He also said I shouldn't have gone to my parents on the Sunday night as he hadn't had that much to drink" - DECIDING YOUR REACTIONS FOR YOU - CLASSIC ALCOHOLIC

"he hadn't had that much to drink. I asked him how much he had drank and he said 6 pints!" - MASSIVELY SKEWED PERCEPTION OF NORMAL DRINKING - CLASSIC ALCOHOLIC

"He makes me start to think that I am being unreasonable and that what I'm saying is out of order" - MANIPULATOR - CLASSIC ALCOHOLIC

Hope this helps.