Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

My son doesn't like me

50 replies

neasedal · 03/04/2011 12:56

Have namechanged

I have a son (19) who is at university at the moment and since he went in September our relationship has divebombed. He says we're not very good parents and that we never listened to him and were never interested in what he wanted to do. We did push him hard I admit and he did go to a school which also pushed him hard. Its mothers day today and he has sent me nothing, I've just phoned him and spoken to him and he says he couldn't be bothered and I was a rubbish mother anyway as I didn't care about how happy he was. I feel totally depressed as whenever we speak he's always critical of me and DH and he always says that the people he is at uni with had a far more fun and interesting childhood than he did.
Sorry if this is a bit rambly

OP posts:

colditz · 03/04/2011 13:00

Oh dear

I think he'll grow out of this when he has his own children and realises that parents are not gods. This hit me at 23.

whatliesbeneath · 03/04/2011 13:02

[hugs] I agree with colditz . Is he an only child ?

Original poster

neasedal · 03/04/2011 13:07

No he's got an older brother

OP posts:

usualsuspect · 03/04/2011 13:11

I think teenagers forget that their parents have feeling too sometimes

girlscout · 03/04/2011 13:13

you have every right to feel offended, but sadly showing it to him wont get you anywhere. Maybe, he might be at uni regreting letting his mouth run off with him , but dont bank on it. Hes not mature enough.
I would suggest offloadingto someone (not him) and then not contacting him until he contacts you,( but dont mention this to him, and dont think giving into his next request will get his respect) I dont think that will be too long.They are very needy at that age.
Mind you dont take my advice oim only on mn because my h and dds have got better things to do than be will me. (sorry not hel[pful)

gettingeasier · 03/04/2011 13:15

thats very harsh on mothers day , I hope your H can cheer you up maybe go for a nice lunch or something ?

whatliesbeneath · 03/04/2011 13:15

Could your older son have a chat with him or would that make things worse ?

MillsAndDoom · 03/04/2011 13:17

OP I really feel for you - fwiw I was a vile teen / adult - from about 14 - 24.

I found fault with everything that my lovely, caring, supportive parents did or said.

Now with DCs I am deeply ashamed of my behaviour but have a very close loving relationship with my parents.

I would agree wiht not contacting him for a bit until he contacts you - presumably he will need picking up at the end of term?

hecate · 03/04/2011 13:21

I'm sorry that you had to hear that. Must have hurt. However, you have 2 choices. You can dismiss his pov or you can listen to WHY he feels the way he does and really challenge yourself. Look HARD at yourself. If you dismiss his feelings out of hand because it is painful to hear, then you miss out on a chance to improve the relationship.

Do not start from the pov that he is wrong. Start from the pov that for whatever reason, he genuinely feels this way and open your mind to understand why.

(my 11 yr old says he likes me but he doesn't love me. That's hard but I take time to talk with him about it and understand WHY he feels this way. I say this so you know that in some small way, I can sort of understand a bit)

noddyholder · 03/04/2011 13:23

My ds is nearly 17 and has become like this. My dp and I really don.t know what we have done. All our friends and family are shocked and keep saying we don.t deserve this. He is still in his room and no card nothing. My dp makes everything lovely for me but it's notmthe same. I Dom.t know what to suggest for you I think ignoring him for a while might drive the message home. I am thinking of doing that as I just can.t cope with arguments and nastiness. I sometimes think I gave too much but as my friends all say I can only be me and that's the way I am! Let's hope they grow out of it but it is very hurtful x x

byrel · 03/04/2011 13:34

I wouldn't ignore him as I think that will just cause him to move further away from you. I know you might not like to hear this but people rarely feel like he does without any foundation so I think you need to talk to him and try and see why he feels the way he does.

bloatedbubble · 03/04/2011 13:45

byrel I think that is completely wrong. I was a foul teen and my parents are and were fabulous, it was nothing to do with them and everything to do with being a teenager. They did try ask me many times and in many ways what they could do to help or improve our relationship, but I didn't have a clue, my brain was that big cliche of 'they will never understand me'. I didn't see them as people in their own right.

It had improved as I got into my 20s, but the only thing that truely stopped me being a self centred so and so as far as they were concerned was having my own children.

I am dreading my lot getting to that age!

bloatedbubble · 03/04/2011 13:47

not saying you shouldn't talk to him there, just the comment 'people rarely feel like he does without any foundation' which I felt needed addressing

thefirstMrsDeVere · 03/04/2011 13:50

I feel very for you.

My DS1 left again this week. He has done it 3 times now. He hates me. He is 17. I know we have tried our best. I dont know what else to do really.

I am hoping he will come round and I hope your DS does too. I am sure he will.

fiefdom · 03/04/2011 14:05

I don't think there is anything you can do really other than wait and hope that his view of you changes. If its due to immaturity and self-centredness then it will pass in time, if his claims have truth then they may never change.

WriterofDreams · 03/04/2011 14:26

Remember that there could be a reason the he feels this way. I felt that way about my mum at that age with good reason and I still feel the same but I have never said it to her as I know as usual she wouldn't listen. I have a relationship with her but I wouldn't say it is close and the only reason I'm still in contact with her is because I have finally accepted that she will never be what I want her to be. Now that I have a son I feel even less forgiving towards her. I'm sure if you asked her she would consider herself a great parent.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 03/04/2011 14:33

I was awful as a teen. I was sure I had good reason. Absolutely certain that my life was terrible and my parents were the worst.

It took me a few years but I realised that my life was very far from terrible and my parents were fine. I still dont have a really close relationship with my mum because she is a bit self centered and erm bonkers. But I know that she was not neglectful or wicked.

But at the time you would have thought I came from an abusive home. I really thought that I did.

I dont consider myself a great parent and I think that is part of the problem. DS has picked up on this and uses it to his advantage. I really empathise with how he feels about me which makes the whole thing very confusing

Maryz · 03/04/2011 14:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vicky2011 · 03/04/2011 14:46

If you have had a decent relationship with him up until he went to University I'm inclined to think it's a maturity thing. He is having to grow up and is struggling a bit. I had a fairly pushy, academic and traditional upbringing and I look back with horror at the way I was in my late teens and 20s. I mean really at university and my first couple of jobs rather than at school. I was aggressive, foul-mouthed, abusive and generally everything that would have appalled my parents . Looking back I think the strict upbringing basically delayed the teenage tantrums. Finally at the age of about 30 (yes that late!) I met DH and had a bit of a rocky patch in my career and this was the kicking I needed to finally grow up and become civilised [wellalmostsmiley].

Obviously I don't know if this is the case with your son, but it is possible that he will take a few days to shake himself out of this. I agree with others that giving him some space is probably a good thing. Good luck

deste · 03/04/2011 14:53

Do you think he could be depressed?

holyShmoley · 03/04/2011 15:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

holyShmoley · 03/04/2011 15:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bloatedbubble · 03/04/2011 15:40

Maryz makes a good point there- did you ask him why he hadn't got you anything, or did he bring it up himself?

I wouldn't have thought the former a good idea at all tbh

Thornykate · 03/04/2011 15:43

Hopefully he is just having a late rebellion phase? Awful things to say to you though.

I am all for validating peoples feelings but am sure that if your DS spent time with many of the worlds children who had been neglected & abused he would rethink his own upbringing. I remember moaning about mine until I grew up & realised that I was actually blessed to be brought up at all as many people really don't have a proper home at all never mind luxuries like parents who support an education.

Maryz sorry to hear your family haven't remembered today.

Thornykate · 03/04/2011 15:46

Sorry to hear about your son too thefirstmrs

Flip

1 2