My son doesn't like me

[neasedal]

Have namechanged

I have a son (19) who is at university at the moment and since he went in September our relationship has divebombed. He says we're not very good parents and that we never listened to him and were never interested in what he wanted to do. We did push him hard I admit and he did go to a school which also pushed him hard. Its mothers day today and he has sent me nothing, I've just phoned him and spoken to him and he says he couldn't be bothered and I was a rubbish mother anyway as I didn't care about how happy he was. I feel totally depressed as whenever we speak he's always critical of me and DH and he always says that the people he is at uni with had a far more fun and interesting childhood than he did.
Sorry if this is a bit rambly

My stepbrother was like this when he was around 17-19; I think it really helped him to move away, to start a new job and find someone really special.

When I was younger I genuinely believed that nothing I ever did was good enough for my Mum. My elder two siblings both had a degree, had partners, had careers and plans and had moved away. All I'd had was an abusive (thankfully ex-)partner and a mental breakdown; I felt like she was ashamed of me because she couldn't talk about my achievements the way she could theirs.

Growing up helped me realise how much she loves me, but it did take a lot of time. I really hope that your son comes to realise that you will love him no matter what, and it's not his grades or his performance that matter.

I agree that parenting is "in the eye of the beholder" - I have 2 siblings, one of whom agrees with me that our parents' way of bringing us up was ok, and we have mostly done similar ourselves with a few updates and adjustments - but the other sibling insists that our parents were the worst parents imaginable, the childhood was abysmal and no way in hell is he going to parent anything like the way our parents did it. Consequently his children are rather badly behaved but he won't allow anyone to tell them off.

Some people seem to be born with chips on their shoulders - my brother is one, sadly so is DH's brother.

I have always treated my boys like my friends, encouraged them to do well, been there for them, always said please and thank you. My eldest took a Maths GCSE at 13 because he wanted to not because I forced him too.

It would appear that all your pushing throughout his childhood has backfired and you have in fact pushed him away.

You have to be there for your children encourage them in everything they do, but not force them to be what you think they should be.

I only ever stated that my children had to go to University, no qualms about it, how they got there was up to them.

Maybe its just a final 'fledging' sort of stage? He's creating a bit of distance, albeit in a rather unpleasant way.

He could be meeting the sort of people he's never met before who seem a bit exciting and make you and your husband look a bit dull and pedestrian. I know when I went to university I met really 'middle-class' people for the first time. Went to friends (huge) houses where the children swore openly at the dinner table, spoke to Mummy and Daddy like crap and got away with it! I just couldn't take it all in - these 'posh' parents who just looked on adoringly while their kids did this and in spite of all the stuff they gave them. My family was all about manners and being grateful e.g. boring!

The best advice is to try to have a thicker skin, talk to him gently and try to get to the bottom of it.

At 19 you think you know everything, I dont think this is unusual behaviour.

This can happen regardless of parenting. I have always been very encouraging to my ds and he has had a full life and a lot of privileges IMO. He literally turned against us over night and even his teachers and friends don.t get it. I think he has been so awful that he feels there is no way back we are at a loss. Do you think your ds has been so awful he feels he can.t back down? We have talked and talked and listened etc but ds is still a little shit to us no matter what. Sometimes giving them everything back fires that is all we can think of. Fabby that is ridiculous and a bit insensitive considering the op' s dilemma

Just to pick up on what deste said, could he be depressed? Boys and young men are vunerable to depression and it isn't always obvious in a way that it might be in girls of the same age.

Could he be drinking too much or taking drugs as well? These could be separate issues or linked to depression. Either way, he might have gone off the rails a bit now he has a bit more freedom and it might be influencing his behaviour.

Teenage rebellion seems to be less worrying that either of those 2 options. Either way it must have hurt you OP. Sorry you had to hear that on Mothers' Day although there is never a good day to hear it I suppose.

I am not looking forward to the teenage years!

My DD is at Uni, same age and stage, she is now living the life she wants too. I suspect this has happened to your son as well. He is rebelling against your life choices which to some degree is a development stage

I totally agree with Hectare and Holymoly however, please use this as an opportunity to talk to him. Don't feel defensive even if it's hard to hear. Let him talk about why he feels like this, listen hard and if you believe he has a point apologise. The hardest thing I found about being aparent was to accept my children weren't going to be like me so at some stage I needed to stop making choices for them.

Sometime as parents we may hurt our children's feelings (even if we are trying to do the best for them) and if that's the case then we should apologise. Your son is now an adult so you have to reframe your relationship with him. You can show him that adults, even parents must take responsibility for their actions and saying sorry isn't a sign of weakness, it's just learning.

I had a less than perfect childhood, not malicious in anyway just circumstances and bad choices that my parents made. I gained the utmost respect for my mum when she, later in my life, spoke to me about her regrets and how she wished she could turn back the clock but of course she can't.

I now have an excellent relationship with her as do my siblings. My DH on the other hand had an awful childhood but his mum refuses to acknowledge any of it. Nothing can be referred too, events in her mind didn't happen and she blames FIL completely. As a result she has hardly any relationship with her children and grandchildren. That makes her even more angry as she feels she has a right to be treated better so the situation will never improve.
She will be a lonely older woman without her family.

The only tools you can use in this situation are: communication, forgiveness and understanding.

'he perceives himself to have been pushed too hard, that doesn't necesserily mean he was'

But Maryz the OP admits that they did push him hard. That statemnet suggests it may be 'in his head' - a well worn defence used by parents who if they could admit it have messed up.

It amazes me how quickly a lot of you jump to invalidate feelings. This is a quick road to parental disaster.

Nobody is a perfect parent but I am sorry I don't believe these kind of feelings come from nowhere.

good post houseproject

And the differing memories that siblings within one family may have are not necessarily because some children are 'just unhappy' or have false memories or are over sensitive

Actually it is very possible that siblings did have different experiences. The unhappy ones may have been mistreated. It is well known that the golden child/scapegoat dynamic happens within many dysfunctional families

I think that is key house. I think my relationship with my mum would be miles better if she ever expressed regret about some of the things she did or said. (other than in a glazed, wallowy, romantic sort of way that is)

I have tried to be honest with DS about how I feel about having to leave him when DD was ill etc. But he seemed to pick it up and run with it. Its almost like i put the idea in his head rather than validate his feelings IYSWIM.

Sometimes its possible to understand feelings and acknowledge them but be unable to do anything about what caused them. Not having enough money to fund certain wants/having to be away due to sibling illness etc.

I dont know, I find this stage very very difficult.

I can only tell you what my MIL told me about my (now) lovely DH.. At the age of around 17 he turnedhorrible...rude and nasty...he talked down to her and was awful generally. It all hanged when hereached about 25 and got his firstreal girlfriend...I think young men are a law unto themselves.

But there is a world of difference between someone who isn't perfect & makes misjudgements ie maybe pushes their child with schoolwork more than they want to be pushed & a 'rubbish parent'.

Don't know if anyone on here ever watches Worlds Strictest Parents but IMO there are some very dedicated parents on there who are strict & push their kids. It's not necessarily a bad thing to do.

I really feel for you OP , it must be awful. If i were you i would explain to your son ,that you did what you did because you felt it was in his best interests , you felt it was important for him to go to uni , but if he is really miserable there ,then of course he must leave and get a job at once and you wont interfere ( or pay for anything else ) again. I can almost hear his sphincter tightening from here

I want to second what Hectate said up the thread.

He is obviously feeling something fairly negative, and now he's left home, he's in a space (and has a strong support network) where he feels he can finally let you know what he has been feeling without fear of being left all alone if you refuse to "hear him"

My advice is reach out. You have no choice really I don't think. He's a grown up now, whether his feelings are justified or not only you and he and your DH can really answer. But it sounds like you want to make this better. I think the no Mothers Day stuff was his way of prodding you maybe? Perhaps he does want to get something off his chest. I'd let him, and then perhaps talk about how hard parenting can be. Don't let him make you feel shit about yourself, but don't turn it into an argument about who is right and who is wrong. He has his version of what happened, and you have yours. Neither is wrong, but you can share and empathise with how you both feel about things now.

Personally I wouldnt put too much emphasis on not receiving anything for Mother's Day. Dont expect anything and certainly dont ask about its whereabouts - its not a measure of his love for you and he probably knows it would upset you not to get something so he's being a bit tantrum-y about it. Try and detach a bit - let him live his life and in 5 years or so he should be a bit more amenable.

The fledgling state/delayed teenage tantrums rings a bell with me. My parents did not deliberately push me, but I admired them tremendously and tried to be everything they'd expect and their ideals were high and not always suited to me: I really did need a delayed teenhood in my early twenties. Fortunately, I was able to take most of it abroad where they didn't have to see it, and they were wise enough to step back and not watch me too closely (only ringing me once a week when I was at uni, never pressing me about things like Mother's Day cards)- so we still have an excellent relationship.

I think leaving home was the catalyst for me too - I had just accepted that I was a poor imitation of a nice person, then I met loads and loads of people with whom I had really normal and fun friendships, and I could suddenly see that my home life had been really 'wrong'.

Not saying that is the case for you OP (obviously) but I think he needs a little bit of listening to. The only response I have ever had to bringing up some of the appalling things my unempathetic, passive aggressive father has said is 'I did the best I could at the time' (ie I won't accept responsibility) or 'I don't remember that happening' (ditto). Nothing gets better that way.

THere is a lot of value in a genuine 'I am SO SORRY, I really didn't know that's how you felt, we did X because we thought it was best but if we'd known how it would turn out we wouldn't have."

Is any of it true at all?

Did you ever listen?

I only know of two men who were pushed hard-one has just retired at 55-sees his parents as little as poss as he finds them "embarrassing".

Other is my husband who still hates the fact that his parents would hover around whilst he did homework & not trust him to get on & meet deadlines himself.

We are abroad, they never visit-he is happy about that & visits them as little as possible.

When I have suggested that we visit them for Christmas, he has absolutely no wish to do so.

Is he by any chance struggling at university academically, or socially? If he is, he might have decided that the work you made him do was either a. pointless or b. holding him back from being 'normal'. Uni is a crisis for many families. Hang in there, as you would with a screaming toddler who says he hates you. Just say you love him. Never hurts to keep saying it. IMHO, comparisons with those worse off won't bring him round.

I'm sorry you are going throu this.

My advice would be to not take it personaly. You need to talk to him about this issue and try to find out where its coming from.

Communication is the key. Acknolodge his feelings and try to resolve them with him.

When i was at uni i would call my mum and shouyt and scream down the phone because it was hard, i couldn't do the work, i was stressed and i had no one else to talk to.

I explained this to her and she didn't take it personally and it was a release for me. Shouting at the one person who couldn't leave me!

Its just another phase but you need to face it head on or it will fester and turn in to a much bigger problem.