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Original poster

Friends seeking advice about/for another friend...

29 replies

makerandbaker · 02/04/2011 19:02

Apologies for the subject title - really didn't know what to labebl it as!

I am turning to mumsnet for advice in regards to one of my friends.I am aware this post will sound heartless/nasty but it honestly comes from deep concern. We are able to identfy that this isn't a easy subject to approach with her but we are all so concerned that we feel (as friends) we should.

One of our friends has broken the news she is pregnant again with her 6th child. This would usually send us into a whirlwind of girly celebration but this pregnancy is diffrent.

She had her first child (a rather tall for his age boy obsessed with tractors like all kids his age) early and managed to get through college. She then met her long term ex and had 4 kids with him (the triplets were a big suprise!) She had medical issues after the triplets which was the result of having so many children so quickly - understandable really and she was seeking help via the doctor and was considering a operation.To her credit, she managed to juggle being a full time mother, gain a university degree in english and help out endlessly with church activities. Sadly, the father of ther triplets and her only daughter,cheated on her and wasn't the most attentive father. We supported her through the break-up and as a result all our frienships grew stronger.

We all supported her when 3 months ago, she declared she was dating a chap. She wasn't keen on giving too many details about him at first but we thought this was because of it being early days. Imagine our suprise then when she told us she was pregnant in the same breathe she first told us his name. Things haven't gone the way you would expect either. The father of her unborn baby is no-longer with her and freely expressing his view to us. He's claiming he was 'trapped' and that she lied about her ability to have any more children. Naturally we are supporting her and not listening to what he says.

We need advice on how to approach this subject with her all the same. We don't feel its something we should ignore. How would you recommend we talk to her about this, ensuring she knows we love her and support her decision but making it clear what our views are as well???

we dont want to lose her but we have concerns for her children and her poor choice in men....

sorry if we sound nasty, its not our intention at all. we are just at a loss as to what to do.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 02/04/2011 19:07

What support is she asking for though?

She seems rather irresponsible and quite frankly, stupid, and I would say that the father of this unborn child is quite probably telling the truth.

Original poster
makerandbaker · 02/04/2011 19:11

Hi Squeakytoy - Shes only asked for support like for us to be listening posts for her the cry/rant about him and the situation. Shes also asked us to look after the kids whilst she goes for appointments (drs etc). Nothing we wouldn't happily do normally. Difficulties arise when we feel guilty to say no and when we don't agree with what shes saying. We don't feel we can voice our own opinion nor disagree with her. I would like for us to be able to be honest with her, i fear she might end up pushing us away if we were :S

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 02/04/2011 19:16

I think you need to persuade her to get her tubes tied very tightly as soon as she has had this baby for a start. :S

I also think you shouldnt be afraid of telling her a few gentle but subtle home truths about how she cant expect you all to always be there to provide childcare but I can understand how difficult this might be.

Xales · 02/04/2011 19:16

Well no sympathies with men who claim they were trapped. They either don't have sex, use condoms or have a vasectomy.

He has the right to no longer be in a relationship with your friend. 3 months isn't long term.

You friend also if she didn't want any more children should have taken more care not to get pregnant. She has the right to have the child or not to. She can also claim maintenance from him if she does have the child.

You need to encourage your friend to speak to professionals about why she does have relationships with unsuitable men.

If you have real concerns for her children you need to speak to the correct people to deal with it, they come before your friendship.

Apart from that there is nothing more you can do to help her apart from supporting her as friends.

LeonardNimoy · 02/04/2011 19:16

What's to say? She is pregnant whether you like it (or the father) or not.
" Shes also asked us to look after the kids whilst she goes for appointments (drs etc). Nothing we wouldn't happily do normally. Difficulties arise when we feel guilty to say no and when we don't agree with what shes saying. We don't feel we can voice our own opinion nor disagree with her. I would like for us to be able to be honest with her, i fear she might end up pushing us away if we were "

I donlt see whty you can't be there for her and look after the other children etc, regardless of what you think. Lecturing her about her poor choice in men now isn'tt going to do anything except make you feel superior. Why are you concerned about her children?

Original poster
makerandbaker · 02/04/2011 19:22

I agree with everything thats been put forward here (thansk for the replies)

She is claiming she didn't mean to get pregnant and I agree, he could have used protections 22 is old enough to know better! BUT (and this is no excuse) she had lead us to believe she couldn't get pregnant. I for one was aware her doctor had adviced she goes down the operation route after several post birth difficulties she had.

I just don't want to come across to her as unsupportive or nasty. She seems to think our church supports her pregnancy but this couldn't be further from them truth. At the moment we (a group of 4 friends) feel like we are in the middle of her and the church.

Our concerns regarding the children are only that she yells at them alot. I can understand raising so many on your own is hard so we try to help this sitution by offering to give her breaks as and when we can (im lucky enough to have a big enough garden to let the kids all play together and wear themselves out) But we know her eldest boy isn't do as well as he could at school, it sometimes feels like she isn't offering them emotional support or time. They are all well loved, clean and well feed. I don't think the social need get involved.....

OP posts:
TallyB · 02/04/2011 19:26

You know, if I was a cynical person, I'd say the OP sounds like the plot of a really, really bad novel.

If this is genuine: mind your own business. Your friend sounds as though she's coping, despite the children, the degree, the church and whatever else it was. Also, the ex sounds like Sid the Sexist.

If this is not genuine: could you tell me how magnets work? In exchange, I'll tell you all about my horse.

Original poster
makerandbaker · 02/04/2011 19:27

Hi LN - sorry, i can see where you got the idea that we want to have a go about her choice in men but thats not the case at all. What i meant to get across is that we want to tell her that we feel she (perhaps) rushed this relastionship to get back at her ex or to feel loved. Her last break-up was hard and only happened 11 months ago, since then hes moved to a new county and has little to do with the kids. I worry shes seeking emotional fulfilment in inappropiate places. Shes a smart cookie but i worry shes not thinking properly at the moment.

OP posts:
Reality · 02/04/2011 19:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
makerandbaker · 02/04/2011 19:30

TallyB - i honestly wish this was a terribly trashy novel but alas this is real life and there are real folk involved. Thankfully not JezzerKyle worthy types though :)

OP posts:
Original poster
makerandbaker · 02/04/2011 19:32

reality - you are probably right. Your view is exactly why we haven't spoken to her about it. I fear she will only think what you have said. I don't want to lose her friendship so perhaps you are right, it might be best we say nothing to her.

OP posts:
Reality · 02/04/2011 19:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EricNorthmansMistress · 02/04/2011 19:38

She's 22 and pg with her 6th child - blimey. If she were my friend I'd tell her to sort her contraception pdq and then go on to support her as a friend should. If I had a friend like that

Reality · 02/04/2011 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
makerandbaker · 02/04/2011 19:44

reality - I hope you trust that i can totally see it from your point of view. And if im honest, it largely comes from my faith. She is amazing and has done so much which makes me terribly proud to call her a friend. The only time it gets difficult is when she wants to (rightly) talk about it. Sometimes i want to tell her it takes two to tango and she has to take responsibility for the situation she finds herself in. At the moment though, shes set on blaming everyone and everything. I guess its a wave we need to ride out. I only hope our friendship group and withstand it. I worry some within our group are likely to snap. I was seeking advice on how to appropach the subject in a cool, well balanced, supportive manner. But as you say, its no business of ours and perhaps because of this, we all need to step back and let her deal with it her way. Thanks for your words :)

Eric - Jeepers! thats really would be a novel worthy story if she was 22! Shes 27. The unborn babies father is 22.

OP posts:
suburbophobe · 02/04/2011 19:53

Not so smart, no, if she's having a 6th child while not being able to look after them or herself

What's the church gotta do with it, anyway? Confused

suburbophobe · 02/04/2011 19:56

27 and 6 kids? Shock

Original poster
makerandbaker · 02/04/2011 19:58

Suburbophobe - I would like to say again that the kids are loved,washed,fed and clothed. Sorry for mentioning the church so much. My faith is important to me and its where we all met (mother and baby group and moving into our church) The church plays a big part in our lives though none of us are biblebashers nor without sin! ;)

OP posts:
Original poster
makerandbaker · 02/04/2011 20:00

p.s Age doesn't have anything to do with it. You can be a great or terrible mother at any age. Shes doing the best she can

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsChupaChups · 02/04/2011 20:07

I don't understand what you want from this thread.

Original poster
makerandbaker · 02/04/2011 20:13

Loopyloops - Hi, I was hoping others might have been able to tell me what they did in this situation or what they would want from friends if they had found theirselves in the situation as my friend . In a perfect world, someone else would offer to have this convo with her for us ;) Its been really useful to hear how others view it all. I am defo taking it all on board and will keep it in mind. I sort of know how i am going to progress with this now, though still open to hear what others would do :)

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 02/04/2011 20:14

Forgive me for being thick but the issue is about her talking / moaning on about the "men getting" her pregnant and how you react to it? Cos it's tiresome, draining and not taking responsibility for her role in this? Sounds like you are fine with practical help, just struggling with the emotional side?

I think you can tackle it from various angles. But you cannot force your other friends to think similiar to you. I would personally be worried too. Healthwise and how she will cope raising 6 alone ( until the next man appears)? Perhaps you have to wait until she starts grumbling on and then you say you love her and adore her kids and are in there for the long term but you hate these 'relationships' because they don't appear to make her happy but cause mayhem and pain.

Good luck

omnishambles · 02/04/2011 20:18

What a very odd OP that is. That is all.

Original poster
makerandbaker · 02/04/2011 20:20

pancakeflipper - thanks so much for you kind words. I leave myself open for nasty words when i say as a group we do discuss how to approach this. I swear its not in a bitchy fashion but its such a delicate situation we want to take a united front and help together. What you say is true. If we want to talk to her about it, its best we wait for a natural time for this to occur and not force the topic of conversation.

I really hope she hears the 'we love you' part over the other bits which could sound negative. I worry it might not be worth it, as others have said its really none of our business and it can seem like we are just being judegmental.

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsChupaChups · 02/04/2011 20:30

What could you possibly say to her that will be of any help?

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