Friends seeking advice about/for another friend...

[makerandbaker]

Apologies for the subject title - really didn't know what to labebl it as!

I am turning to mumsnet for advice in regards to one of my friends.I am aware this post will sound heartless/nasty but it honestly comes from deep concern. We are able to identfy that this isn't a easy subject to approach with her but we are all so concerned that we feel (as friends) we should.

One of our friends has broken the news she is pregnant again with her 6th child. This would usually send us into a whirlwind of girly celebration but this pregnancy is diffrent.

She had her first child (a rather tall for his age boy obsessed with tractors like all kids his age) early and managed to get through college. She then met her long term ex and had 4 kids with him (the triplets were a big suprise!) She had medical issues after the triplets which was the result of having so many children so quickly - understandable really and she was seeking help via the doctor and was considering a operation.To her credit, she managed to juggle being a full time mother, gain a university degree in english and help out endlessly with church activities. Sadly, the father of ther triplets and her only daughter,cheated on her and wasn't the most attentive father. We supported her through the break-up and as a result all our frienships grew stronger.

We all supported her when 3 months ago, she declared she was dating a chap. She wasn't keen on giving too many details about him at first but we thought this was because of it being early days. Imagine our suprise then when she told us she was pregnant in the same breathe she first told us his name. Things haven't gone the way you would expect either. The father of her unborn baby is no-longer with her and freely expressing his view to us. He's claiming he was 'trapped' and that she lied about her ability to have any more children. Naturally we are supporting her and not listening to what he says.

We need advice on how to approach this subject with her all the same. We don't feel its something we should ignore. How would you recommend we talk to her about this, ensuring she knows we love her and support her decision but making it clear what our views are as well???

we dont want to lose her but we have concerns for her children and her poor choice in men....

sorry if we sound nasty, its not our intention at all. we are just at a loss as to what to do.

I don't know. At the very least i would like to think letting her know we care and are there for her would help alittle bit. Perhaps you are right though loopy, maybe there is nothing to say which would be helpful. If im honest though, i lean towards Pans ideas.

Whatever you think of her - remember ( think I aiming this at the others at your church and not so much at you) that it's the kids who lose out if this goes tits up. She loses support means the kids struggle harder than ever.

Everyone will have an opinion and people make judgements ( informed or not). Cannot stop that. Human nature. But could you tell God your negative thoughts and ask him to guide you? Or is that a really stupid thing to do?

I agree. We are all going to stand by her and then kids come hell or high water. Our opinions on the matter is meaningless in the bigger picture. I just hope we all manage to keep it zipped and not show any negative attitudes about the issue to her. I am sure its all just extra difficult at the moment because its so fresh.

And how do you know that one of her boys isn't doing as well as he could at school? It sounds like you are offering help, but only on the condition that she listens to you all telling her how crap she is! You all sound insufferably judgemental. With friends like you who needs enemies?