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Original poster

hmm just found out work colleague has been sleeping with another girl in our office as well as me....

54 replies

happenedagain · 02/04/2011 00:49

ok so tonight i was talking to a girl i used to work with and found out we have been sleping with the same person for the past few months Shock

Her and myself had been keeping it quiet. He ended their relationship by text last night. Also last night he had a conversation we me about moving our relationship forward and getting more serious Hmm.

I will not be moving our relationship forward atall. I didnt tell the other girl that I have been sleeping with him also and im not sure if i should or not as i dont want to upset her. But I would want to know.

I asked how often they had been seeing each other and she said about 3 or 4 times a week. I have a dd so only saw him once a week or once every 2 weeks. And when i did talk to him he acted liked he wanted a proper relationship with me. But he new that I didnt really want that as have alot going on.

Im not really sure what replies to expect, but just wanted to tell someone, I'm not terribly upset but as I like the other girl I do feel bad for her as she seems upset and I feel guilty that I have not told her. Should I tell her???

OP posts:
BabyBorn · 02/04/2011 12:29

Have never been in your shoes, but i wouldnt tell her, i would be very embarassed hes played you both like a fiddle! Swerve him. He sounds like a first class nob!

hecate · 02/04/2011 13:27

but bogey, same applies to her. If she made an assumption that they were in a serious, exclusive relationship without a 'meeting of the minds' then she was in the 'wrong'. You don't impose exclusivity on someone and you don't assume you have it without a conversation about it.

I would not assume exclusivity unless it had been expressly agreed. No agreement = no assumption of exclusivity, imo. No matter how many times a week I was screwing them.

hecate · 02/04/2011 13:42

Of course, as before, if he had lied and pretended he was being exclusive, then he's a bastard.

If it had simply been assumed, then he's not.

bristolcities · 02/04/2011 14:24

But you were only seeing each other.
You were all effectively single. Whats the problem?
As soon as he wanted to make your relationship more serious he told the other girl. It wold have been so easy for him to have a relationship with you and continue sleeping with her.
I'm actually quit impressed.

muminthemiddle · 02/04/2011 14:32

I would tell her.

kerrymumbles · 02/04/2011 14:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cabbageroses · 02/04/2011 14:43

If you tell her, she might think you knew all along.

She might think you were the "OW".

You might fall out.

If they have split up what's the point hurting her more?

BoneyBackJefferson · 02/04/2011 17:16

Are you 100% sure that she was even seeing him?
she could well be playing you as she wants a relationship with him.

Other than that agree with Hecate

Butterbur · 02/04/2011 17:45

Bloody hell, times have changed. It always used to be that you assumed you were in an exclusive relationship if you were sleeping with someone, and anything else was cheating.

None of this it isn't exclusive until you agree it is.

suburbophobe · 02/04/2011 18:01

Indeed, you both need to get checked, even if condoms were used, herpes and stuff doesn't take notice of them...

Original poster
happenedagain · 02/04/2011 19:21

Hi Everyone, thank you all for the replies and sorry about the delay in getting back to you.

Just to clear a few things up:

We had never said we were exclusive, and I did not assume that we were either. I am not annoyed that he has been sleeping with someone else. But do not like the fact that he has been sleeping with someone I kno and like.

I am annoyed that he said many many times that he wanted a relationship with me and was even putting pressure on me about it (now I feel that he was treating me like a fool as he was sleeping with the other girl nearly as long as he was sleeping with me).

I feel like he has been lying about his feelings for me too. Since we first slept together he was pushing and pushing to get me in a relationship with him. I did not push anything like that so feel there was no need for him to try to be in a relationship with me if he wanted to sleep around.

Also I no longer work with the other girl as I left the company. The guy we were sleeping with has also left the company.

Also I think he was in an exclusive relationship with the other girl as when I spoke to her last night on facebook I noticed she had changed her relationship status to single (I didnt know what her relationship status said before).

I dont actually feel he treated me that badly tbh as I didnt think we were exclusive, but he has treated the other girl very badly espeically ending their 3month relationship by text.

I'm going out for a few hours but will be back later. I'm going to talk to him about it tonight to tell him I know. I'll keep you updated.

OP posts:
SpringchickenGoldBrass · 03/04/2011 01:44

You're doing the right thing in telling him that you know about the other girl, and how he reacts to this will hopefully indicate what you should do next.
THough bear in mind that just because he wants to have a committed relationship with you, or claims to, doesn't mean you have to comply if you don't like the idea. If he is rude about the other girl or gets angry, then you should probably dump him on the spot, as people who are contemptuous of former sexual partners do not tend to make nice sexual partners themselves.

Lucyinthepie · 03/04/2011 08:41

You said "And when i did talk to him he acted liked he wanted a proper relationship with me. But he new that I didnt really want that as have alot going on. " Which reads to me as if when he wanted a "proper" relationship with him you turned that down.
In which case I cant' see how you would have the right to get upset if he had something going on with another woman. "But do not like the fact that he has been sleeping with someone I know and like." you might not like it, but it's not your place to decide who he can and cannot sleep with.
She has changed her relationship status to single. People are assuming that he misled her into thinking she was in an exclusive relationship. How do you know? It may have been on the same basis as your relationship as far as he knew.

Obviously tell him that you know, but as for getting angry, particularly on her behalf, doesn't seem right to me. Just talk to him and see what you want to do from there. Stay together if you want, split if you don't.

mrsravelstein · 03/04/2011 08:46

totally agree with hecate and noddyholder... can't see why anyone would think you should tell the other girl anything... it's a bit of an unfortunate situation with him choosing to sleep with 2 people who know each other, but nothing to make a drama of

Megatron · 03/04/2011 09:05

I agree with Butterburr. When I was dating the 'assumption' was that a relationship was exclusive unless it was discussed that it wasn't. You didn't assume that your boyfriend was dipping his wick everywhere at all. I cannot imagine having a conversation with a boyfriend of say a month and asking them if we were 'exclusive' it would have scared them half to death. Things must be very different now I guess.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 03/04/2011 10:36

The tendency some people have to assume that all relationships are exclusive from the first date leads to an awful lot of misery and unnecessary stress. It's a bad idea to shut down your options too early, when the more dates (and sexual partners) you have, the better your radar for arseholes, losers and abusers will become.

emmymoomoo · 03/04/2011 11:34

I agree with hectate here, I think you are being unreasonable op tbh.

He wanted serious, you didn't, and didn't discuss exclusivity. He has now decided he really wants to get serious with you and has let the other girl, to do so. You don't know that she just presumed things about her relationship, without talking to him. Times have changed.

I don't see the issue here? Many people have crossover in casual relationships.

mayorquimby · 03/04/2011 12:29

Can't see what he's done wrong to have people calling him a knob/prick etc.

Miggsie · 03/04/2011 12:45

So the default position for men is screw as many women as possible, alternating days for a bit of variety and unless you actually say you are not monogamous, or the women ask, shagging anyone available is ok?

How many women are men allowed to string along, omitting to mention it to any of them?

Shall we let men have a harem then, and any woman expecting monogamy is naive?

Shit, I'm telling DD to become a nun.

emmymoomoo · 03/04/2011 12:49

Who said it's just men? I'm a strong believer in monogamy. So is my husband. I was seeing and dating people before we got together as a couple, so was he. I don't see the issue here, really.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 03/04/2011 12:54

I agree with what SpringChicken and Lucy say - you didn't want a committed relationship with him and you knew that you weren't exclusive and you have now ended any relationship.

What the relationship is between the other girl and him is their business and it would be a really really really bad idea for you to involve yourself. Move on would be my advice.

If you really like this girl, then assume he just has v good taste. Would you prefer him to have been sleeping with someone you hated.

mayorquimby · 03/04/2011 12:57

well yes, I think any woman expecting monogomy from someone who she is just seeing, who she has made it clear to that it is a casual thing and that she has no desire for a serious relationship with them would be extremely naive to assume that he was going to be monogomous. Why would he? this is not a male thing. If a man was seeing a woman and he made it clear to her that he didn't want a serious relationship with her and they never discussed exlusivity I'd think he was an absolute twat if he got precious when he found out she was seeing someone else.

This isn't about lies of omission as you seem to be suggesting, it's about grown ups defining their relationships rather than assuming and then trying to impose their definition on the other person uni-laterally.

hecate · 03/04/2011 13:00

Miggsie, why are you assuming a gender difference? Nobody has said that it is different for men and women. The default position is that nobody is owed exclusivity. If you are 'seeing someone', sleeping with them, 'dating' them, that is not a committed relationship, it is not a promise to forsake all others. You don't get that without agreement. If someone wants to assume that because someone is having sex with them, that it is only them, without any sort of discussion or agreement, they can't get pissed off if the other person isn't complying with that. It hasn't been agreed.

God, before I married, I was dating several men at the same time. In fact, once one was leaving after a fun night Wink as another was coming to take me out. They passed on the stairs. I didn't owe any of them 'till death us do part'. You can date a dozen men at the same time if you want to. If you both decide to change the relationship into something more serious and exclusive, then you agree it.

When I decided to do that with my now husband, I broke all contact with all others and I have never been with anyone else ever. Because that's what we agreed.

hecate · 03/04/2011 16:16

stairs leading up to my flat, not any stairs inside my home, that'd be weird Grin just read my post again and felt that needed clearing up Grin

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 03/04/2011 16:24

Ah. I pictured a revolving door Grin