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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MIL issue looming - need advice.

31 replies

Heyitsme · 31/03/2011 22:56

My DH's 40th birthday is coming up. He said he doesn't want a party or any 'surprises'. MIL rang a few weeks ago to ask what was I organising. I told her DH didn't want to do anything. She was taken aback and said we have to do something (she loves a big occasion). She ended the conversation by saying we will go out for dinner (the whole family). I told DH and he's not keen, he doesn't want a fuss or anything formal. I suggested having a BBQ at the house and inviting everyone over, kids could play in the garden etc. He liked that idea and said he'd go for that.

MIL rang today and I told her we were having a BBQ. Stoney silence. I explained to her that he wasn't keen on going out for a meal and he'd prefer a BBQ. She sounded miffed and ended that conversation with 'I'll have a word with him'.

I don't know what to do, I know she's determined to get her own way on this. I know when she rings DH he will give in to her even though its not want he wants.

Our other concern is the cost factor. There will be 20 people at the meal and the cost would be in the region of £500 plus. I could do a really nice BBQ with drinks included for less than £200.

I don't want to mention the cost issue to MIL because I don't want her offering to help us out (as I know she probably would).

Is there any way of handling this without upsetting MIL ?

OP posts:
OldBagWantsNewBag · 31/03/2011 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Heyitsme · 31/03/2011 23:27

Well, I hate the thought of planning something I can't really afford tbh. At least the BBQ is within budget and I think it could be a really fun, informal day. I know we'll be taking a chance with the weather alright but we can always eat inside.

OP posts:
Original poster
Heyitsme · 31/03/2011 23:29

I do agree I'm in a lose lose situation though.

OP posts:
G1nger · 31/03/2011 23:30

If you all go out for a meal, you should all split the bill. But the older generation is often a pain about these things...

Original poster
Heyitsme · 31/03/2011 23:36

No, in our family if you invite people out for a meal you are expected to pay. MIL just doesn't get that DH isn't looking forward to being 40(!). She'll probably get him a huge cake with 40 on it!

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 31/03/2011 23:44

Your MIL is also you husbands mum though, and I would think its only fair to let her pay for part of it if she is offering and let her help you plan it.

My husband was adamant he didnt want any fuss for his 40th, but we did him a surprise party, and he absolutely loved it.

Original poster
Heyitsme · 31/03/2011 23:48

She hasn't offered. I don't want to go ahead and organise something on the presumtion that she'll give us money towards the bill when it arrives Blush

OP posts:
G1nger · 31/03/2011 23:53

Do you think - and I'm just throwing this in - that your husband has two strong women in his life and doesn't really mind whose plan gets used?

Original poster
Heyitsme · 31/03/2011 23:57

Probably Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Heyitsme · 31/03/2011 23:58

But the cost factor is an issue and would effect him too, obviously.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/04/2011 07:20

Heyitsme,

I would agree with this comment made previously by OldBag:-

"You're in a lose lose situation by getting involved so step back and leave them to it. Your DH is a grown man and even if he does 'give in to her even though its not want he wants' then he only has himself to blame".

Whatever you decide she's going to throw a wobbly anyway either at yourself or him. That is her problem, not yours to worry about. You did not make her that way.

Your DH now has a chance finally to do what he wants for his birthday; if he does not want a fuss of any sort so be it. She needs to accept that. If he prefers a BBQ then this is what should happen regardless of what his precious sounding mother will think. He must take a stand and both of you need to present a united front with regards to this person. Boundaries set by both of you are all important here when it comes to dealing with such potentially difficult people.

On a wider level it could be that he finds it difficult to stand up to his mother as she appears to be very dominating and wants things her own way (her silence at hearing that her son did not want a fuss was very telling, its her son so my day is the thinking behind such things). But he must stand up to her otherwise she will continue to try this sort of behaviour out on him. A lifetime of such conditioning on her part towrads him too has sadly contributed to this state of affairs.

What's his Dad like; I only ask as he is not mentioned.

Original poster
Heyitsme · 01/04/2011 08:18

His Dad is very quiet. He doesn't like social events, but tends to go alone with whatever is organised but he always insists on leaving early.

I get on great with MIL normally but she always gets a bit tetchy about things like this. I do agree with what you are saying Attila but I've learnt its better to just let her get her own way on these occasions. Even if we put on a united front she'll still blame me Confused

I spoke to DH last night. I told him to expect a call from his Mother and to be very upfront and tell her we only have a budget of £200 so we have to do something within that budget - that means an expensive meal is out.

If she offers to pay the remainder of the cost for a meal and DH is happy to go along with it (his call), then fine, she can have her way. I'm going to leave it up to them to sort out.

Thanks everyone for the advice.

OP posts:
pink4ever · 01/04/2011 08:20

We had a similiar situation a couple of years ago.Dh 40th and fil 70th fall in same week.Mil banged on for about a year about having a joint party.I(and dh) reminded her that dh is not a sociable person and this was not what he wanted. Eventually we settled on a meal for the family. They got a cake/balloons etc for fil but again I said dh would freak(v sensitive about his age!) so didnt for him.
I would stick to your guns.Dh has stated clearly what he would prefer and he should tell his mum that.

loveitwhenyouoooh · 01/04/2011 08:30

we had same issue about DP's 40th. MIL kept saying she would organise a party for him and when he didnt want it said she would just make it a surprise so he couldnt do anything about. We booked a week in Mallorca for over his birthday and went away... Alternatively you could tell MILthat he has agreed to go out for a meal but your budget only stretches to McDonalds! Might change her mind...

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/04/2011 09:12

"I get on great with MIL normally but she always gets a bit tetchy about things like this. I do agree with what you are saying Attila but I've learnt its better to just let her get her own way on these occasions. Even if we put on a united front she'll still blame me".

I wonder why she gets tetchy about things like this. I think she wants her own way all the time. This is a power based issue on her part. Why is she seemingly insistant on your H having a big party?. She probably likes being the centre of attention because this is really all about her.

I am glad you agree with what I am writing here but if your husband caves and agrees to her demands for a big celebration (something he does not also want) she will yet again up the emotional ante here, these behaviours get worse. Again these are her issues, not yours to deal with.

FIL seems to be acting out of self preservation here and want of a quiet life like many bystanders. Sounds like your MIL has driven roughshod over him as well. Would not let him off the hook as he is seemingly doing nothing to prevent her excesses of behaviour.

I hope your H stands firm with regards to his mother, he needs to for his sake as well as yours. If she does not like it then tough.

ddubsgirl · 01/04/2011 10:36

if she wants a meal then why do you have to pay for everyone?we went out for fil & mils 60th`s birthdays we paid for ourselves and we paid for them too as it was thier birthday(split between the 3 siblings)

femalevictormeldrew · 01/04/2011 11:21

I agree with a poster above who says your MIL likes to be the center of attention, and wants the party for her own benefit. She sounds very much like my own MIL - I won't even begin to tell you what she did on our wedding day. For DH's (surprise) 40th I organised the whole lot, down to the last sandwich. When she was getting up to leave that night, she turned around and apologised to him for going behind his back in orgainsing it! Anwyay, in the beginning I allowed her to get away with a lot, but she started taking over our lives so now she doesn't get as much say anymore. I hope your DH gets the day he wants, and a BBQ sounds like a lovely relaxed affair

Original poster
Heyitsme · 01/04/2011 12:18

Yes, she's very sociable alright and loves a party. My niece has her Communion in May and we are having a special family meal for that, so its not like we won't be having one this year.

ddubs, the split bill thing just isn't done with us. I know other families have no problem splitting bills and its seen as completely acceptable but thats because its the done thing in their family - iykwim.

Thats why I'd prefer to arrange something within our budget, something small that DH would like.

Anyway, if she insists on the big shigdig and ignores our wishes then she'll just have to pay for it - we will have no option.

OP posts:
VerintheWhite · 01/04/2011 14:51

Go away for a weekend, Centre Parcs would cost the same, and tell her its for a fortnight!

DontGoCurly · 01/04/2011 15:00

Some people just CAN NOT get it into their heads that other people really mean it when they say they don't want fuss/suprises/messing on their Birthdays.

I would definitely stay out of it. Don't take any more calls from MIL who sounds like one of those obtuse/selfish people who just will not listen and will try to force the dinner party on him anyway.

When I was 40, I was devastated. I warned my nearest and dearest NO party, NO cards with 40 on it, nothing whatsoever. Luckily they respected that. i just went off on a weekend break with my fella. But one friend couldn't accept it and a year or two later to this day still wants to 'do something' to 'mark the occasion' and mentions it every time I see her!

I dont understand why people want to force celebrations on others who really do not want them.

carat · 01/04/2011 17:26

She sounded miffed and ended that conversation with 'I'll have a word with him'.

I'd think perhaps the wider issue is that your MIL thinks she controls her son. Only your husband can tell her to butt out.

plopplopquack · 01/04/2011 17:51

Tell your DH to stick up for himself. He has agreed to have the BBQ which is already a compromise for him and sounds nice IMO, nicer then a meal out. He needs to be firm with her. It's his birthday after all.

NanaNina · 01/04/2011 23:06

Long time since I dared to post on one of these threads because I am one of those sub-humans a MIL! I have got slated on these threads for daring to give the possible perspective of the MIL. I think so many comments on here - Attila wonders why this woman gets so tetchy over things like this - I could ask her why she gets so tetchy over things like this. I think what happens on these MIL threads is that those DILS who don't like their MILS wade in and start joining in with the MIL bashing. The poor woman has been alled obtuse/selfish/never listens to anyone else/wants to be the centre of attention etc etc and all she actually wants is a familymeal for gods sake. I understand money is an issue, but when we all go out for a family meal (fortunately I have lovelyDILS )it is on the understanding that everyone pays for themselves. There are few people who can spend £500 on a huge family meal. So that shouldn't be a problem.

And why oh why do some of you young mothers get so uptight about your H or P not wanting to get into conflict with his mother. I just invite you young mothers of sons to remember that in the future you will in all probability be MILS and you might want your son to avoid conflict with you.

I don't think this is about BBQ v family meal - I think it's about who wins - wife or MIL. I know there seem to be some very overbearing MILS on these threads, and all wade in with "set boundaries" "don't let her get away with it" "tell your H to grow a pair" etc etc It's so sad that so many tensions and rivalries exists between these two women - it rarely happens between men and their MILS.

Surely this matter can be resolved amicably - why can't you have the family meal (with everyone paying for themselves and making this clear on the invite) and there is nothing stopping you having a BBQ (though the thought of a BBQ in this country in April) would fill me with horrors. You say your H doesn't want a fuss but you also say that he won't want to go against his mother, so will probably go along with the meal. Problem solved. Ah but the MIL has "won" hasn't she. Maybe some of you will think very differently when your son is 40!

I will not retreat to find a very hard hat for the backlash!

plopplopquack · 02/04/2011 08:23

NanaNina I don't disagree with you on the MIL bashing. I'm sure though if there was a forum like this where more older women felt comfortable then there would be plently of DIL bashing. I think the relationship is a tricky one.

Did want to mention a few things though. The DH doesn't want to have a meal, it's his birthday so his choice. As his mum wanted him to do something he decided on a BBQ as that was all he could bear. So why should he go through with a meal if it all sounds too formal for him. My DH wouldn't like that either as he hates being stuck at a table. I think he has come up with a good compromise, he is still doing something because his mum wouldn't the occassion marked, but he's not doing the thing he would hate, and why should he do something he hates on his birthday?!

The OP has said that they can't afford to pay for the meal and it is the done thing in their family to pay for the whole thing. So it probably wouldn't be as simple as putting on the invites that everyone had to pay for themselves. probably cause a whole load of problems.

Gotabookaboutit · 02/04/2011 08:43

NannaNina - the op has said 3 times that in their family the ''inviter'' always pays - perhaps Mil get their reputations on MN because they don't listen and respect other peoples boundaries :P

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