MIL issue looming - need advice.

[Heyitsme]

My DH's 40th birthday is coming up. He said he doesn't want a party or any 'surprises'. MIL rang a few weeks ago to ask what was I organising. I told her DH didn't want to do anything. She was taken aback and said we have to do something (she loves a big occasion). She ended the conversation by saying we will go out for dinner (the whole family). I told DH and he's not keen, he doesn't want a fuss or anything formal. I suggested having a BBQ at the house and inviting everyone over, kids could play in the garden etc. He liked that idea and said he'd go for that.

MIL rang today and I told her we were having a BBQ. Stoney silence. I explained to her that he wasn't keen on going out for a meal and he'd prefer a BBQ. She sounded miffed and ended that conversation with 'I'll have a word with him'.

I don't know what to do, I know she's determined to get her own way on this. I know when she rings DH he will give in to her even though its not want he wants.

Our other concern is the cost factor. There will be 20 people at the meal and the cost would be in the region of £500 plus. I could do a really nice BBQ with drinks included for less than £200.

I don't want to mention the cost issue to MIL because I don't want her offering to help us out (as I know she probably would).

Is there any way of handling this without upsetting MIL ?

NanaNina,

Very unfair of you to ask why I get tetchy over such things because I really do not. I am trying to find out why this MIL is acting like this so you are missing the point again. This is not and has never been about MIL bashing even though you are a MIL yourself so have a vested interest and will defend these women at all costs. Defending this particular MIL though is treading on shaky ground and you can't or don't want to admit that. I am actually wondering why the OPs MIL wants such a big do for her son despite him saying otherwise; it says more about her than anything else. Why is this lady insistant on having to do something; would argue that this stance is more for her and her own self interest than acting in her son's best interests. Would you yourself act the same in such a situation and be so insistent?.

If a BBQ in April fills you with horror then so be it, this is irrelevant to the post at hand. The MIL in question does not want a BBQ, she wants a full blown meal instead inspite of her son not wanting this. Why should her wishes be more important than her son's?. Apart from anything the monetary cost is very high and is not readily affordable to the OPs family.

Men and their mothers have a profoundly different relationship to women and their MILs. A lifetime of such conditioning at the hands of a difficult and or overbearing mother can make their son find it very difficult in adulthood to stand up to their mum.

I do fully realise and appreciate that there are nice MILs out there who act decently with regards to familial relations. That does not follow though that they are all nice (as you seem to think); some are and act awfully actually towards their sons let alone their poor wife. It depends ultimately on the TYPE of person they are, people who are difficult to get along with or want their own way all the time will remain as difficult as they get older.

Thanks for your input NanaNina but just let me correct a few things:

DH's birthday is in June, not April, so the weather should be fine.

Requesting people to pay for their meal is not an option. We are invited to a family Communion meal in May. My BIL & SIL will be paying for eveyones meal. Therefore it would cause great upset (obviously) if I sent out invites to my DH's birthday in June asking everyone to stump up the cost themselves.

Thirdly, and I realise not everyone will agree with me on this one, I actually feel it should be my duty to organise DH's birthday celebrations - I'm his wife. Plus he is 40 ffs, not 4. There comes a time and an age when surely a mother organising a birthday party for her 'child' becomes inappropriate.

Do people agree with me on that, or am I being a bit unreasonable in this regard ?

I absolutely agree that MIL should have an input, a right to ask if I'm doing anything for it etc. But she is not listening to what her son wants. He doesn't want a big do, she should respect that.

A lifetime of such conditioning at the hands of a difficult and or overbearing mother can make their son find it very difficult in adulthood to stand up to their mum

That statement is absolutely true with regard to my DH Attila.

And it would be impossible for him to change how he reacts/deals with her now, because he wouldn't be able to.

Supporting you all the way Heyitsme!

His birthday, his preference, your (joint) budget, his invites (which, if feasible, should of course include his parents), end of. If your MIL wants to help out with your organisation of the day and the two of you have a relationship where that is possible, then that would be ideal, but not required.

I think we're back to the whole 'he is MY son, therefore I know him best & as I changed his nappies 40-odd years ago, I have first dibs on him'. Babies grow up, people change & develop & many many people struggle to recognise that their adult children are just that - adult. They don't get to control them anymore & they should instead focus on mutual friendship.

Nananina - I've seen you leap into these discussions frequently & it's always to support the MIL POV, irrespective of the actions perpetrated by the MIL. You have a point regarding the general negativeness aimed at PILs/wider families' input however I think you also need to consider the effect these particular proposals will have on the OP's DH & the ongoing impact of an enforced party on the relationship between the MIL & her son/ his DW.

Sounds like the MIL is not thinking of the 'birthday boy's' wishes,merely her own preferences. Not very adult or friendly really?

NanaNina, I absolutely agree that people with bad relationships with their own MIL project that onto such threads. What I find interesting is your wholesale inability to recognise that your own need to vindicate MIL leads you into exactly such projection yourself.

It is not appropriate for a mother to say, when told her son wants a quiet party and a BBQ in his own home has been definitely decided upon by himself and his wife, "I'll have a word with him." It is bloody rude, in fact. It's not an appropriate way to behave because it infantilises her son and wholly disregards her DIL. The OP clearly states that as a general rule she is fond of her MIL - she is not demonising her. She's just saying she can be very overbearing, and in this situation that is a precise, accurate description.

Finally, as you are a former social worker I am surprised that you don't listen to what people say. The OP stated 3 times that in their family, expecting people to pay for their own meals out is regarded as utterly unacceptable. You may find that odd. That is not, however, relevant - it is how this family works. To brush that aside as you did is... well. Overbearing? ;)

NanaNina, in dh's family, the people throwing the party are expected to pay for everything which is why I insist of having everyone to the house! The MIL wants an expensive meal but her son and DIL can't afford it. She needs to back down.