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Original poster

He's not involved with DD

33 replies

LittleDonkin · 31/03/2011 20:20

My husband is not spending time with our DD. She is 5.5 months old. He never holds, plays with, interacts with her in any way. He is out to work before we wake up so spends no time with her in a morning and is home around 5pm has a shower then we have tea. I breastfeed her but introduced a bottle feed at 6pm so husband could feed her and have some baby time but in the 3 weeks that she has been having this feed he has done it once. Usually I get the I'm tired excuse but really all he has to do is hold a bottle. I then put her to bed as at the moment she will only be fed to sleep but if she wakes before we go to bed I encourage husband to see to her just to hear him getting agitated with her if she is crying so I always take her off him and he slinks off back downstairs. The weekends are no better. Last weekend he spent all his time on his PS3 while me and DD were sat downstairs. I am starting to resent him and I feel like a single parent. I am starting to think I may as well be on my own as he does nothing with her and I get very little attention too. My mum says she sees traits of my dad in him and has said to my sister she doesnt want to see me in a marriage like hers was which as she puts is was a waste of 30 years and that she only stayed with my dad for us kids.
I have suggested he gives her her evening bath but says he doesnt want to becauses shes a girl so I say that if we ever have a boy I wont bath him and he tells me not to be so stupid and its different for women. She's his daughter for christ's sake!
We have been together 4.5 years and married for 2.5 years
When I was pregnant I had this vision of a happy family where my husband couldn't get enough of his DD but it certainly isnt like that.

OP posts:

Original poster

LittleDonkin · 31/03/2011 20:53

Another worry is that my husband is in the services and we have a 2 year overseas posting coming up in the summer which will obviously take me far away from all my family and friends. I dont know if I want to go if he carrys on the way he is.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 31/03/2011 21:39

ask him
what is his problem?
is he scared of her?
did he show interest in your pregnancy?

Original poster

LittleDonkin · 31/03/2011 21:57

I have asked him and all he says is that I am better at doing stuff with her than he is. And my reply to him is that he needs to do stuff with her to get better at it!
He came to all the scans and the like but he wasnt one of these overly affectionate dads to be. He didnt like touching my belly when she was moving and begrudingly read the fathers sections of my pregnancy books when I asked him too. I really tried to get him involved in my pregnancy and now with DD but its like he doesnt care which I feel awful saying.

OP posts:

ladyintheradiator · 31/03/2011 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

LittleDonkin · 31/03/2011 22:17

Things where good pre pregnancy and we thoroughly discussed having children and we both agreed we wanted 2 or 3 kids and we both agreed on when the time was "right" for both of us for me to come off the pill.
I dont know why he wont bath her. He seems to think its wrong in some way. I can count on both hands the amount of times he has changed her nappy.

OP posts:

ladyintheradiator · 31/03/2011 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

LittleDonkin · 31/03/2011 22:33

It is very off putting and he wonders why I aren't forthcoming in the bedroom department!
I have mentioned to him about a lass I'm friends with on facebook who says in her statuses about her hubby bathing their 4 daughters and doing the night feeds which I know he cant do but he wouldn't anyway as he told me he wouldn't. He just sort of shrugged.
Since DD was born I have napped twice during the day the longest being for an hour.
I have tried the its your turn to change her and got a blank stare followed by a no.
I really dont know what I can do to change his ways or even if I can do anything.

OP posts:

RudeEnglishLady · 31/03/2011 23:15

How is he when people are visiting? Does he suddenly snap into action-dad for an audience or is he just as lame? DH can get a bit slack sometimes when he's tired but no matter how tired he is he couldn't face the shame of looking uncommited if we have people round. So thats how I know that he knows what he's meant to be doing IYSWIM.

If he's genuinely flummoxed by the baby, will he sit down with your health visitor and discuss his and your concerns?

RudeEnglishLady · 31/03/2011 23:17

Oh and ignore FB - smug parent posts are horrid. I swear I'm going to defriend my (normally lovely) cousin, her brags and boasts are sickening!

Original poster

LittleDonkin · 31/03/2011 23:26

He is just the same when people are round. His brother was here at the weekend and I swear in the 24 hours he was here he held her more than husband had in the past couple of weeks. I dont think he would sit with the health visitor but I can only ask him. I want to do everything I can to get him involved but I'm feeling like the more I try the more he doesn't.
Facebook friends hubby genuinly does do what she said as he writes it on his status too!!!

OP posts:

RudeEnglishLady · 31/03/2011 23:33

Yes, but just because something is true doesn't mean that its good form to brag of one's good fortune

Seriously - I think that the HV is the best thing. Just tell him its happening, maybe 10 minutes before she's due to show up. If he's expecting you to emigrate with him then he's got to show that you can do this as a family. Concessions for concessions. I'd hide his PS3 as well.

Original poster

LittleDonkin · 31/03/2011 23:39

Will the HV come "after hours" say after 5pm as husband works all day.

See how I cant bring myself to say DH!

He is away at the moment but I will talk to him next week.

OP posts:

harecare · 31/03/2011 23:43

My DP is very similar. Now DDs are bigger he is much better with them, but basically their care is my responsibility if I am there. If I go out or have to work he takes charge and is good at looking after them, but if I am around he sees it as my job. I am a bit of a control freak so maybe I've brought it on myself, but I do wish he'd have helped more when they were small.
Not ideal, but if you constantly compare him to other people's DHs you will always find a fault. My sister's DH always did the bath and I tried to introduce it with DP, but it's just not his thing.
Saying she's a girl is a rubbish excuse. Telling the truth might be harder though - he's probably a bit scared, doesn't know what to do, sees you doing everything perfectly so doesn't want to do things wrong.
He might just be a complete wanker, but if he is loving and kind in other ways maybe you just need to give him the benefit of the doubt and wait and see what he's like when she's older.

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 31/03/2011 23:44

I would give him an ultimatum (after kicking him in the shins) - either he shapes up A LOT & QUICKLY or he goes to the 2 year posting as a single man.

I am not kidding and it would not be an empty threat. There's no way I'd be going away from family & friends with him if he had this attitude... no way.

RudeEnglishLady · 31/03/2011 23:46

I don't know - I don't live in the UK, sorry. I would be seriously thinking of putting it to him like - "the HV wants to speak with us both - you need to book friday morning off" and give your HV heads up that you've had to boss him into it a bit so she can prepare herself. He can't hide from parental responsibility forever!

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 31/03/2011 23:48

My sister's DH always did the bath and I tried to introduce it with DP, but it's just not his thing

He is a parent - he doesn't get to choose what his 'thing' is or isn't

harecare - you are right in so many ways (might be scared/not wanting to do it 'wrong' etc) but fgs - don't give them the option of doing only what they feel like doing?! It is not the 1950's.

Original poster

LittleDonkin · 31/03/2011 23:53

I know it sounds silly but when I suggested him doing the bath I told him I would be right there next to him if he needed any help just to ask!
It feels like he has no parental responsibility at all.
I know of dads who would have loved the opportunity to get so involved with their littles ones but their partners wont let them.
Its ok saying see what she's like when she's older. How old 18????
After I have done all the feeding, bathing, putting to bed, settling in the night etc etc etc!

OP posts:

harecare · 01/04/2011 09:31

He may be even more unwilling to do the bath if you are right there to criticise help.

Lots of people aren't keen on babies under 1, I wasn't before I had my own. Can you think of things he can do to help while you do the bath? e.g. wash up?

Chipping in - you're right, but the thing is, doing the bath is quite good fun. I didn't want him to do it to help or as a job, but so he'd have a bit of alone time with DD. To him it was a job and so he didn't want the fun I was trying to give him. Not everyone enjoys the same things. The only way my sister got DH to do baths was to pretend she was scared of doing them from the outset so allowed him to be the expert.
It may sound a bit 1950s, but not all men have changed from their Grandfathers day. I used to get really upset wishing DP was more like nearly all the other Fathers I know, but then I stopped comparing him, realised that just because he didn't want to do a bath didn't mean he didn't love DDs and I'm much happier. DD1 is nearly 4 and DD2 18 months, he looks after them if I'm not there, but all the care is down to me if I am here in an unwritten rule type of way. It may not be fair, but it suits us.

Original poster

LittleDonkin · 01/04/2011 09:50

The bath isnt really the big issue for me although it would be nice if he did it even occasionally.
Its the fact that he never interacts with her unless I physically hand her to him if I need to do something.
When he gets in from work he doesn't even acknowledge her. Don't most dads rush to have a cuddle when they have been out all day?

OP posts:

ladyintheradiator · 01/04/2011 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CelebratedMonkey · 01/04/2011 10:12

Is there the possibility of leaving her in his care for a day so you can go out shopping or what have you, and he will have to deal with her?

orangeeyebrows · 01/04/2011 11:05

some people are frightened of small babies

what advice would we be giving if it was mum who couldnt get "into" the baby thing, we would all be sympathetic and giving tips on how to get over it

maybe he will be more confident as baby gets bigger

cestlavielife · 01/04/2011 11:08

i think you need ot go out and leave him with her for couple hours, he will cope.

welshbyrd · 01/04/2011 13:26

Im sad on your babys behalf
As for " My sister's DH always did the bath and I tried to introduce it with DP, but it's just not his thing
Agreed with chipping

He is a parent - he doesn't get to choose what his 'thing' is or isn't

As if being knee deep in shitty nappies, and being up half the night doing feeds, is your thing

You seriously need to sit this man down, his baby has been held more by his/her uncle in 24 hours, than her whole lifetime by her dad
I really feel for you Littledoinkin
Im really angry on yours and baby's behalf

He maybe frightened, but this baby is nearly 6months old
Agree with other posters, walk out the door, take a well earned coffee at a friends, and leave him cope, sounds like he is not even half heartily trying when your around, easy for him to palm back to you. Go out the door
If you do not, the other children you planned to have with him, baby years are going to be the same

dignified · 01/04/2011 17:25

This is ridiculous , i think i would honestly issue an ultimatum , he either shapes up or fucks off . Your effectiveley a single parent , but worse , you have a H sat on his arse playing games while you do all the shitwork . Your dd has two parents not one , and he doesnt get to opt out like this . Other posters are right that some people arent brilliant with small babies , but christ , if hes not even acknowledging her theres something not right .

He sounds like a spectater , someone who wants a token family but puts no effort in.

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