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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He's not involved with DD

33 replies

LittleDonkin · 31/03/2011 20:20

My husband is not spending time with our DD. She is 5.5 months old. He never holds, plays with, interacts with her in any way. He is out to work before we wake up so spends no time with her in a morning and is home around 5pm has a shower then we have tea. I breastfeed her but introduced a bottle feed at 6pm so husband could feed her and have some baby time but in the 3 weeks that she has been having this feed he has done it once. Usually I get the I'm tired excuse but really all he has to do is hold a bottle. I then put her to bed as at the moment she will only be fed to sleep but if she wakes before we go to bed I encourage husband to see to her just to hear him getting agitated with her if she is crying so I always take her off him and he slinks off back downstairs. The weekends are no better. Last weekend he spent all his time on his PS3 while me and DD were sat downstairs. I am starting to resent him and I feel like a single parent. I am starting to think I may as well be on my own as he does nothing with her and I get very little attention too. My mum says she sees traits of my dad in him and has said to my sister she doesnt want to see me in a marriage like hers was which as she puts is was a waste of 30 years and that she only stayed with my dad for us kids.
I have suggested he gives her her evening bath but says he doesnt want to becauses shes a girl so I say that if we ever have a boy I wont bath him and he tells me not to be so stupid and its different for women. She's his daughter for christ's sake!
We have been together 4.5 years and married for 2.5 years
When I was pregnant I had this vision of a happy family where my husband couldn't get enough of his DD but it certainly isnt like that.

OP posts:

Dunoon · 01/04/2011 18:07

BF her and then go out leaving them together for a few hours. And repeat.

biryani · 01/04/2011 18:33

My DP was a bit like this but at least wanted to hold and play with DD, and has turned into a very involved dad. Perhaps your H will change as baby gets older and develops more of a personality. Sorry to sound old-fashioned, but I always saw the grubby bits of babyraising as my responsibility as I wasn't working myself.

harecare · 01/04/2011 20:11

The first year of a baby's life really is hard on a relationship. Please don't start issuing ultimatums. If his problem is that he feels a bit useless e.g.

"if she wakes before we go to bed I encourage husband to see to her just to hear him getting agitated with her if she is crying so I always take her off him and he slinks off back downstairs"

an ultimatum won't help.
I remember arguing with DP so much during the first year and he'd get really upset as he just didn't know what he was supposed to do. You may need to spell it out to him e.g. when you get in make sure you say hello to DD and give her a kiss so she learns how to greet people. He may not think that she notices him that much yet.
He may feel silly playing with her and doing any of the boring stuff e.g. nappies/bath/dressing, makes her cry. She probably doesn't cry for you so he may feel that he is doing it wrong.

I agree with all the other posters that if you really want him to have time with her, give her a feed and then pop out for something really important.
Things will change as DD gets older - not 18, but about 1 year.

harecare · 01/04/2011 20:11

oops, meant to write know not know

lurkerspeaks · 01/04/2011 20:19

Is he depressed?

One of my (male) friends says that he had postnatal depression. Postnatal or not he certainly got depression just after his first child was born.

Lots of changes for both of you - readjustment within your marriage, within the wider family, increased sense of responsiblity, if he is forces an increasing awareness perhaps of the dangers his job presents.

I wouldn't issue ultimatums but would try really really hard to get him involved. Stand back. Leave him alone with her.

Original poster

LittleDonkin · 01/04/2011 21:20

Thankyou everyone for your posts. Husband is back home tomorrow after a week away with work. How should I bring this up with him? I dont want it to turn into an argument I just want him to see how much he is missing out on with our gorgeous little girl.
I really dont want my DD have the same relationship with her dad like mine is and was with my dad. He didnt spend anytime with me or my siblings and the only time he did was to hand out the smacks. Me and my dad dont have the kind of relationship where we hug and kiss and say I love you but I would love my DD to be able to be like that with her dad.
Do you think my husbands father leaving the family when he us very young may have had an impact on my husbands fathering? He hardley ever saw his dad and now hates him with a passion.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 02/04/2011 00:01

how can you hate someone you dont see and dont know?

so he has unresolved issues with his dad.

he would benefit from therapy of some kind some counselling - he is playing out some kind of role he saw his father do - or is scared to get involved and then leave or who knows. clealry he has unresolved issues around his dad - and he needs to talk to someone.

you could also consider seeing a family therapist together with him to get the issues aired and ask for some strategies and advice.

ask your health visitor /GP about a referral to a family therapist for some sessions to talk about all this and get some advice; and if he is preapred to see see someone to talk about his relationship with his dad. if he cant resolve that, cant ffind some peace, then he may find it hard to decide what kind of dad he wants to be. he doesnt hve to make a relationship with his dad, but he has to let go of the hate. And think what kind of dad does he want to be?

at 5.5 months babies are cute interactive creatures - they thrive on interaction. if he wont engage he loses out...

Zellys · 02/04/2011 00:34

It could be that he's scared to get too close (I know 'too close' is ridiculous when discussing a DC), in case he lets her down like his dad let him down? If his father abandoned him, maybe somewhere in his subconscious he worries that he will abandon your DD, or 'do it wrong' somehow and is paralysed by wanting to be perfect? He needs to realise that just because his dad was shit doesn't mean he will be. But it's going to be a self-fulfilling prophecy if he keeps this up.

The bathing thing is a bit weird tbh - horrible thing to think about, but has anyone he knows been molested as a child? He's got the idea that it's 'wrong' for him to bathe his DD from somewhere. It might just be an excuse of course.

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