HELP please. Can I stop my ex from introducing the children to his girlfriend?

[Dumpsville]

My partner of 12 years has recently left for another woman. I found out on Xmas Eve that he had been having an affair for 3 months, and although I made it clear that I wanted to try and work through this for the sake of the family, he left on NYE. He is now renting a flat in the local area, and although SHE was married she is now separating from her husband and spends most of her time living at the flat with him. I have made it absolutely clear that I do not want the children to meet her yet, so up until now she has not been at the flat when the children stay every other weekend.

Although I am trying to make positive steps all the time, he seems to enjoy landing nasty surprises on me all the time. It is almost as if he is punishing me, although all this really is entirely down to him and he was the one who had the affair and left me and the children. He has said that he hadn't been happy for the last 2 years, but I am sure that it is just him trying to shift the blame and making excuses for his behaviour.

We had written an agreement between us in the early days, covering the finances, house, access etc., but (because we were not married and I do not have as many rights as if we were married) I also went to a solicitor to try and make our agreement legally binding. Although he has had a draft copy for the last 5 weeks, he still hasn't been to a solicitor. The agreement cannot be formalised until he has had legal advice, but he is deliberately not doing this. I feel helpless.

The latest nasty surprise is, that I have just found out from the children that he has promised them that they can meet HER in the next few weeks. He had not discussed this with me first, and he knows that I am dead against this - but yet again I feel helpless. Because we weren't married and the children were born before 2003, I have sole parental responsibility - but does this count for anything in helping me to stop this happening. I would really love to hear some advice from you great people out there as to what I should do.

It has all happened so fast, and I am struggling to keep up with the fast pace that he keeps forcing on me. I understand that he has moved on mentally, and he is obviously smitten, but it has still only been just 3 months for me since I found out about all this - and I am struggling to keep making those positive steps when he keeps dragging me backwards to all that hurt and upset all the time.

Sorry to go on a bit - but I would love some advice. Thanks.

I would let them go.
Buy youself a soft toy/doll and whilst you are alone stick Pins into it, imagining that it is your ex. Then hide it when your kids come home.
Do not bad mouth your ex or ow in front of the kids.
Stay strong and positive for them try and let them be as happy as they can at home.
also eventually allow them to go to exs for extended periods, ow and ex may well tire of this as they will then be forced to do the mundane stuff with the kids and not just the fun stuff. Ypur kids may then find it quite boring and not so special at their dads and come to see thta mum i9s just as fun as dad iyswim.
Remember even though you have done nothing wrong, your kids still have a right to a relationship with their dad, no matter how much of atwat he has been.

Sorry for all the typos there.

Hi.. Dumpsville. Im in the same boat my ex had been cheating and told me at xmas he had chosen me. We carried on got over it and went to a ball in april. The following week he had moved out. Coz he wanted to be on his own.
Well his ow knew he had kids and carried on. In the whole month of may when he was thinking things over on his "own" she was posting it all over facebook.
So the whole of fb knew before he jad told me or the kids..
I have never been so hurt in all my life.. She was talking about having kids with him etc for everyone to see. Now I dont know how she would feel about someone ripping apart her family as she so publicly did to me. I see her as spitful and evil.
My kids are 11 and 9, my eldest knows what his dad did because I was gutted.. He saw. It is a hard thing to hide.
My daughter has said she does not want to meet his woman as "she stole daddy" my ex see the kids more now. But he wont take them out. He. Moans if I ask him to take them out. I try notnto bad mouth him. Im still reeling. I have good days and bad days. My good outweigh the bad. Im happier. But the anger is there and he does. Not get why im hurt.

He wants to take oir kids to meet the ow. They dont want to go. Bit he does not want to listen.. it is all going to end in tears. His because he has lost the respect of his children.for walking out. Now do I tell the kids they have to go or support them.. I know what I want to do. But I need help. I know I could not meet her..

He will oneday know wjat he has lost.

As mrniceguy said it is a marathon not a sprint.
Hugs for you. I get how your feeling all be it I went a very rambley way round :-)

.

Shame on you for even informing your 11 year old of cheating! Have you no care for your child's development and relationship with his father? You are acting selfishly and should seek counseling immediately rather then relying on your 11 yr old to help you not feel alone in your sadness.

ZOMBIE THREAD

I don’t really think it’s your decision. It’s up to your children

ZOMBIE THREAD ZOMBIE THREAD

bit of advise please
my ex has a new partner who had her children taken away . I know these things happen as I'm a foster kid to ..well was.
but I don't k ow the details and they won t tell me . I'm worried about my little girl can I stop her seeing her till I find out more details ?
thanks in advance

vicky, you need to start your own thread

Interestingly, this exact thing has been recently written into my divorce agreement (not U.K.) that a new partner can’t be introduced to our child until 6 months after the partner has been introduced to the ex-spouse.

I agree it may be hard to enforce in real life... (accidental meetings etc) but it does offer some level of ,protection, I guess, especially with cringey sleepover scenarios etc.🙄

3 months is no time, OP. Your poor kiddies. This happened to me as a teen and it took about 15 years for me to have a civil relationship with my step mother as it was just too soon for all parties at the time.

I know this is difficult , but it does seem to me that you are using the children to both punish him and control his relationship. It really isn't fair on them. Off course you are angry with him and the way he has acted, but you need to make choices for your future happiness. More importantly you both need to think about your kids and this means putting aside your differences for their sakes.

Hey, this is more of a moral dilemma. My my opinion
—- legally no way you can prevent introductions. Eventually, esp. if court are involved, and she has some kind of history of negative contact with children, you will have to conceid any kind of argument pertaining to who he brings to your children
—- morally, time is important and it would be wise for him to consider longevity; at least be certain that this woman is long term before introductions. He may have found the love of his life and only he can confirm this. So talk — mediation is a great way forward.
— as for the children (it is all about them). You need to be respectful and kind and morally non-judgemental because what you do and say will affect how they feel. You can’t stop him moving on but you can ensure your children see that they have an amazing Mom; who is loving and understanding and wants them to be super happy; they will grow to respect you more.

Be that lady who is always arguing; stopping their access to Dad; for various personal reasons; and crying through frustration/anger-betrayal (whatever)... turns you into the one they wanna be away from - just for a break!

I think my advice would be .. have that convo (civil convo) establish where his head is at regards not exposing his children to every Julie,Jane and Janet AND always put the children first. What do they need to be happy? Having them is a gift; don’t let any izzims and skizzims you have about him or his new squeeze ruin your children. If they love their Dad — they need contact. If he loves them; you gotta trust his judgement when he has them; just as he has to trust yours. Good Luck and remember —-

ZOMBIE. and fuck off the rest who are trying to no flog something

So how did you get on, after all these years just wondering as I'm going through exactly the same right now, I really can't stand it x

You seem like a bitter person…get over it and learn to move on because your child will also need to move on from your former relationship.

Jesus. The OP is either remarried or a confident independent woman by now.