HELP please. Can I stop my ex from introducing the children to his girlfriend?

[Dumpsville]

My partner of 12 years has recently left for another woman. I found out on Xmas Eve that he had been having an affair for 3 months, and although I made it clear that I wanted to try and work through this for the sake of the family, he left on NYE. He is now renting a flat in the local area, and although SHE was married she is now separating from her husband and spends most of her time living at the flat with him. I have made it absolutely clear that I do not want the children to meet her yet, so up until now she has not been at the flat when the children stay every other weekend.

Although I am trying to make positive steps all the time, he seems to enjoy landing nasty surprises on me all the time. It is almost as if he is punishing me, although all this really is entirely down to him and he was the one who had the affair and left me and the children. He has said that he hadn't been happy for the last 2 years, but I am sure that it is just him trying to shift the blame and making excuses for his behaviour.

We had written an agreement between us in the early days, covering the finances, house, access etc., but (because we were not married and I do not have as many rights as if we were married) I also went to a solicitor to try and make our agreement legally binding. Although he has had a draft copy for the last 5 weeks, he still hasn't been to a solicitor. The agreement cannot be formalised until he has had legal advice, but he is deliberately not doing this. I feel helpless.

The latest nasty surprise is, that I have just found out from the children that he has promised them that they can meet HER in the next few weeks. He had not discussed this with me first, and he knows that I am dead against this - but yet again I feel helpless. Because we weren't married and the children were born before 2003, I have sole parental responsibility - but does this count for anything in helping me to stop this happening. I would really love to hear some advice from you great people out there as to what I should do.

It has all happened so fast, and I am struggling to keep up with the fast pace that he keeps forcing on me. I understand that he has moved on mentally, and he is obviously smitten, but it has still only been just 3 months for me since I found out about all this - and I am struggling to keep making those positive steps when he keeps dragging me backwards to all that hurt and upset all the time.

Sorry to go on a bit - but I would love some advice. Thanks.

i agree as long as hes not introducing them to every shag then its not up to you, i dont think you will be to happy if he trys to stop the children being around your new man when yu get one.

the children will make their own mind up abouth the home recker

unless he is makeing them meet diffrent women every month then let him alone she will soon get bord playing house affairs never really last longer than having to wash his pants and deal with them not wanting the dinner she has cooked

Totally agree with Niceguy, it's a tough situation but one that will have to come, the best thing for you to do is get on with things, show him you're moving on, be overly nice even when you want to rip him to shreds then he'll have nothing to hold against you xx

You poor thing. But you know, he might think it's all going to be hunky dory but he's probably fooling himself. The children will just have a face for the reason their parents' marriage split up now. If he were clever he'd have waited, because realistically, it's probably not going to go as smoothly as he's hoping.
The only thing you can do is do something lovely for yourself that you never get the chance to do normally. when he takes the kids to meet wotsurface, you go to the gym for a cappuccino, read the paper, go shopping, get your hair done and buy a handbag/lipstick. Look after yourself when he has the kids. That's what I do. If my x has a new woman I truly pity her, and I can't imagine the children ever prefering her to me!

Wow. I am new to this MN malarky, but my goodness what an absolute godsend it is. Thank you all for your advice, comments and contributions. I feel invigorated just reading these messages. It's quite addictive, isn't it??!!

Melly19MummyToBe: Thank you for sharing your story. Please do not worry - you have not upset me in the slightest, in fact it gives me hope.

Ironwilledmama: I think you are absolutely right. It will probably to get all the really bad stuff over and done with within the first 6 months, and then I really can say that the worst is over. Surely, there can't be much more bad stuff after this (or am I tempting fate? I have actually thought about this a lot and all that could be left would be for him to do would be to have his vasectomy reversed, marry her and have more children!! But apart from that, surely there can't be............!!)

Niceguy2: Great advice. I have lost 2 stone since Xmas, had my hair done, bought jeans 2 sizes smaller, and believe me I am always wearing lipstick whenever I see him!! Just one thing that perhaps wasn't clear, the kids do spend every other weekend with him plus time during the week. They do seem him regularly, and I actively encourage him to spend as much time as he can with them - it's just the OW I have a problem with them meeting. But you are mostly right, it is probably more about me than the DCs.

Good on you. The meeting OW thing is natural but this is one of those occasions where it's better to bite your tongue and let it happen. The kids will be fine.

It's easy to get bitter about the fact at the moment your ex is the one who has cheated and seemingly is all loved up with all the good parts of the deal, leaving you to deal with the day to day shite.

But it's not a race. It's a marathon. When I broke up with my kids mum and unexpectedly became a single dad, she got all loved up very quickly with a new bloke. He was even there there first night our kids stayed at hers. And at the time the kids were way younger than yours.

But eight years down the line and the kids would rather be with me than her. They know who has sacrificed for them and who puts their needs first. I have to practically force them like tonight to get their mum a mother's day present.

I now live with a beautiful & intelligent woman whom one day I hope to marry. Whilst my ex has lurched from relationship to relationship, disaster to disaster. All because she felt I was holding her back and that the grass was greener. Well eight years on, she still hasn't found her greener patch.

Now it sounds like I am gloating and I guess to a certain extent I am. She thought I was the one who would go down in flames. Thought I wouldn't cope. Turns out it was the other way around.

Agree with niceguy.

I also agree with those who are shocked at the lack of empathy for you.

Of course it is 'none of your business' whether or not he has a girlfriend. But it is very much your business what happens to your children. I agree that it is just not fair on children, soon after a breakup, to have to deal with the fact that their dad has a new partner, they have to meet her and factor in all the emotions that will bring.

Of course you are hurting and bitter and jealous and that is perfectly understandable and he ought to be more of a man about it and accept that and try to make things easier for you all. Of course he won't because he is a twat.

But you are the children's primary carer, you need some space to try and come to terms with this without him twisting the knife. So I agree with you that six months at the very least is an appropriate time to wait. That should show if the relationship has legs and will give you a chance to breath.

I am really hacked off with people who lack even some basic attempt to understand what this is like. Its bloody awful and it takes a long time to get over and you are allowed to be hurt and pissed off - just don't make that your life's work.

I experienced this but the OW was in ex's bed without any warning.My son asked to see his father without her around but was told that wasn't going to happen. Even though we had already separated and she was not a factor in that split, I was very surprised at how difficult I found the new situation. I was not surprised, however, at how difficult the children found it. I really feel for you but you cannot stop him. Remain dignified if at all possible and if the children talk about her, just say you hope they had a nice time and then talk about something else or do something else. You are their mother, you are the one they will look to. It will feel better for you but it will take time. Hug!

Sounds like you're being sensible and fair about this Dumpsville. I married a man whose ex had been the one who cheated and he met me years after she herself got married and had more kids. I still got the whole other woman third degree though, and she actively restricted contact, so that's probably why I was a bit snippy with you. Hope it works out for you. NiceGuy in particular has given you some great advice.

Wow. What a positive story. Really pleased for you.

I absolutely love the phrase ' it's not a race, it's a marathon'. It will become my new mantra.

nice one op ,trust ur instincts ,you'll be cool.

Well OP, the one thing that the OW will NEVER take away from you is the fact that you are the childrens mum and the children will always have that connection the OW will never have.

So get out there, enjoy yourself, and don't worry.

I have so much sympathy for you. Yes, others are right to tell you there's not much you can do, but it is beyond painful to think of one's children with their father and another woman where you should be. Several months down the line it's that that can still reduce me to tears, not the departure of the man I loved. I find that the very very hardest part of all of this, and it makes me very sad to see so many people telling you to suck it up. You do, sadly, have to come to terms with it but he is acting with unseemly haste and should be taking much closer account of your feelings.

I let my children love their father, I don't bad mouth him or her to them and I never will. They see them both and are very fond of her. But they will work out, in time, the truth of the situation. That he, and she, lied to us all for a long time and behaved very badly. And I don't think the fall out from that realisation will be pretty.

Niceguy in just your last post there you sound scarily like my x. You usually sound like a nice guy, but whoah, do you think your wife left you on some badly thought out whim!? rather than for good reasons? worthy reasons?! Did she need to submit good reasons in writing to a panel?

Everytime my x thinks 'hah still not a midwife!' when he sees me. As though the fact that I'm not means I shouldn't have left him! I think he also imagines that my life is 'nothing' and I have no "green patch". But you know what, the green patch is in my soul, inside, and he was kryptonite to me, so just because you can't see tangible 'green patch' doesn't mean it's not there.

Some years ago a friend had an affair with a married man - he left his wife and kids to live with my friend. From what I remember the wife got some sort of separation document through her solicitor stating that my friend was not allowed to meet the children. The bloke went back to his wife after some months so not sure what would have happened if he hadn't. Does this still happen? I remember seeing the document so know it was real.

Valium - I am fairly sure my husband left me for the wrong reasons. By his own admission, he didn't even try to address the (not very significant) problems in our marriage, but rather embarked on an affair when our youngest was about 6 months old. I had PND, a baby who never slept, two other children under 5 and frankly he wasn't top of my priorities at that point. He would admit that he began the affair on a whim, because things weren't all that they could have been. Over time, it became something more serious, but I maintain (and he would probably agree) that he could and should have stopped it at any point, and made an effort to work on his marriage, rather than taking the easy route and continuing the affair until he decided he finally wanted out. Clearly, if I had been everything he could possibly have wanted in a marriage, he wouldn't have started the affair in the first place, but I do think that there is good reason to think he acted fairly irrationally. Not least the fact that I have still yet to meet anyone (his friends, his family, his colleagues) who can say a single word in his defence...and yes, if you are going to walk out on a marriage and children, and break the most important promises you've ever made, you damn well ought to have some good reasons. Bloody good reasons.

Harlot (if I may call you that ) I don't know what the circumstances were, but in a straightforward "leaving you for the OW" there's no way, in the long run, of stopping your ex from introducing the children to them. In the early crazy days after my ex left, I was convinced that hell would freeze over before I let her see the children (they knew her, and she was a family friend...or so I thought) - I asked my solictor what I could do, and she said nothing. I could say no, and refuse to let him take the children, but if he chose to fight it (and he would have done) in court, the court would say that she was entitled to see the children if she was with him.

Still hate it, still want to punch her in the face. still think she's a two-faced witch. But as far as the children are concerned, I am Zen-like in my attitude towards her.

dumpsville - i am in a similar position and timescale to you and totally get where you are coming from. My DD does not want to see the OW- and when she does it will be her decision and not his or mine. But i agree 3 months is far too soon -and as far as i am conceredn if my DD never wants to associate with the OW then that is also fine with me.

DD already knows the OW - she lives near us and has a reputation as bad as can be - and unfortuately because we live in a smallish village DD has been informed of this at school by various other children.

Time is a healer but 3 months is taking the micky! All the best and come over to the chin up and tits out thread - you will find lots of support on there - it has kept me going. Dorset

I have no experience of this situation yet ,but i would always do what my best friend did when her new man insisted on his kids spending time with them ,she arranged to meet the mother first on neutral terrotiry ,so the mother of the children could at least meet her and see what sort of a person she was . As she said to his ex , ' we both know who will really be looking after your children when they are with us '. My friend is still with her man , she has a great relationship with her step DC's and also a good and civil relationship with his ex . Disclaimer ; my friend wasnt the cause of the relationship break up

Bumpsoon - you have just raised something that I have been pondering over the last couple of days. I am thinking of saying that the DCs cannot meet her, until I have met her. If my children are going to be spending time with her, then surely it would only be right if I got the opportunity to have a reasonable conversation with her about the DCs, seeing as she doesn't have any of her own.

I would like to think that she is a decent human being, and seeing as apparently she is 'not sure about meeting the kids yet' then maybe she is behaving more sensitively than the X. As much as I want to believe that she is a complete witch, she's probably not.

Is this is a good idea - or a really bad one???

BTW - bought size 10 jeans yesterday (very snug fit, mind you!!). I was size 16 before Xmas - so am feeling great today (the fact that I can't bend or sit down is of no importance!!)

Have a great weekend, and Happy Mother's Day for Sunday. Not spending it with my DCs, but have made other plans.

No actual advice from me, but I think 3 months is too soon and I don't blame you for being upset with your XP.

I'm in a similar, and unenviable, position in that my H confessed to an affair over 6 months ago, but we are still living in the same house due to one of our DCs doing GCSEs in a few weeks, and not wanting to potentially send him off the rails at a crucial time (long story which I have posted about, and received great advice on, some time ago).

We'll be formally separating as soon as possible so that H can be with OW. But we've agreed, and I may get something in writing, that 6 months is the minimum period of time before we would consider introducing our DCs to his OW, but of course it's entirely up to our DCs, WHEN and IF.

Anyway, hugs from me, I just wanted you to know you're not alone.

And well done on your weightloss..... every cloud has a silver lining!

I think that's a good idea OP, at least then you will know exactly what she is like and whether you think she will be ok to meet your DCs!

Size 10? I am so jealous. I would LOVE to be a size 10. Not a chance now until my baby is born :o

Dumpsville meeting ow sounds ok on paper but do you think you could actually do it and in reality what would you talk about ?

My ow was known to me and I wouldnt trust myself to be civil to her if we met up

This thread has made me realise its not just me who has been so affected by my dcs involvement with ow and her family and actually that took far longer to get over than xh leaving.

I too am zen like about her and have been careful to never bad mouth her etc but was a victim of my own success as the dc feel free to talk about something she said or did and for a while I found that soo painful. Also she has several older dc who seem to make a fuss of my dc. Fortunately I was able to recognise that actually this is a good scenario for my dc and means they are happy going to their dads. It is hard though that they are involved and part of a group of people I wouldnt know if I walked past them in the street.

Thankfully now 15 months on from our split I am indifferent to any news filtering back about ow and just grateful that she clearly makes an effort with them.

Someone said earlier that its like ripping a plaster off quickly and I agree and do feel that I got it over with sooner rather than later and as part of recovering from the split as well .

Apart from talking about DCs with OW, there is a big part of me that would really like the opportunity to set the record straight with OW.

I am sure that she has been told by XP that I am a total witch, that our life together was miserable and our relationship had been dead for years, blah blah blah. In reality, I'm sure the conversation would never happen exactly the way I imagine it - so perhaps I will just play it over in my head and that way I get to say what I want!!

WaitingforJuly it must be really hard and excrutiating still being in the same house as X. I really feel for you. Although it was hard when XP left home after just a week of dropping his bombshell, at least I then didn't have to face him on a daily basis. July will come round really quickly - can you believe it's April already?? Keep strong. x

Thanks Dumpsville. Yes, it is hard, and I'm beginning to feel worn down with it all as I have no-one to talk to in RL - I just want it to be over with asap. My DCs will initially be upset, but I think they'll get over it fairly quickly. My H is going to start 'working away' for long periods, so we all get used to him not being here.... the plan is that they won't really notice when he's gone for good.

You stay strong too. x