il's coming today.....stress!! (rant)

[monstrousmummy]

My MIL in particular is an absolute pain. Totally blames me for everything possible (stolen her son, he wouldn't chose to get married within a year of meeting me, he wouldn't have chosen to live in the NE etc etc). Last visit she told me not to hug ds1 as there was nothing wrong with him....also told me off for not teaching him his animals (this was in a park about 1/2 a mile away from animals that we visit twice weekly...I think she siad it out of spite cos we weren't taking them to the animals cos we had the dog with us!).

I has ds 2 about 9 weeks ago now and we called them to arrange a visit whilst dh was still on paternity leave and we had planty of free time...well they refused to come because
1- they had things they couldn't cancel (they are retired!)
2- they think we'll be too stressed and therefore they will get a better longer visit if they wait (they didn't explicitly say the bit about the longer visit!)

SO they are coming in the middle of term time (dh works in a uni!) when dh cannot get time off. We arranged for them to come fri afternoon, saturday afternoon- yet they booked a visit from wed-monday and when dh has said over and over again 'I'm working' they have ignored him. thankfully dh told them again on sunday this....and they pretended it was the first time he'd told them...FFS what do they think he does? GRRR

God the saga of my MIL is huge so I'd better stop there...needless to say she has told dh to his face that he is crap at relationships, not a physical man, he is a dreamer and will not suceed and before we met that he would always be single. He believed her!! I have spent the last 5 years telling him I love him, he's a lovely husband...yet everytime thay come he feels 14 again and gets depressed.

could go on......

I sincerely hope I am not like her to my ds's when i get older...or to any possible dil's!!

I'll probably be back later when they've gone.....

(mnet is a great place to rant btw)

PS- got to add this as I furious about it....when ds 2 was due...they went on holiday. before they went they asked dh to send them a text if the baby arrived....and all becasue...

they refuse to leave their mobile on cos they don't like to be on call 24/7!!

DH was shocked and upset that they wnatedto hear about ds 2 via text and honestly wanted to be able to 'tell' as that's one of the proud momenst you get as a father!!

needless to say the ds2 was late and they were back from hols (phew) but dh said he was not going to text if ds 2 was born...they'd have to wait!

lots of luck and patience to you.

Message withdrawn

be firm and don't let them play their games
say "this is when you can come" and if they say we are coming wed to monday say "i'm sorry, that's inconvenient, we are available xxx to xxx"

thanks all- we are being firm! ANd every week for six weeks we have said fri and sat.....they pretend not to hear us! But MIL makes dh feel like he is a being a 'silly little boy' by having his own way. Basically unless they get their way they are unhappy and awful to dh. DH gets depressed!

We have tried to point out when they are being pushy or unfair...but everytime we get 'you have misinterpreted us'...or she says' son you know me...you know i don't mean it like that' ...I am willing to accept that we misinterpret sometimes but evey single time in 5 years....

basically they are the perfect parents (snort!) and we do everything wrong.

Can't wait till mon when i kow they have gone.

2 points

1. can you get them to repeat after you ... something like "MIL, we tend to misunderstand each other, so can we clarify this situation? - we are only available on x and x day - can you please tell me when we are available?"

2. could help is your DH has some responses ready when she comes out with such drivle - such as "I am x years old - I don't believe I've been a silly little boy since I was 4", or "Mum, do you realise how ridiculous/stupid/petty/manipulate you sound when you call your fully grown son a silly little boy?"

My MIL also has a tendency to put my DH down (he also works in HE, maybe it comes with the territory). This includes telling him he doesn't know what he is talking about on subjects he's written books on. I really tackled it a few years ago because I was aware that DS1 was getting to the age where he was starting to understand what she was saying about his adored father. It led to a huge row and months on non-communication between me and her, but I really think it was important to point out to her that she could not make this sort of comment any more. Not only does it completely upset my husband but it was starting to upset the children. To be fair, she did seem to take this onboard to some extent - I told her that if I ever spoke to my sons as she did to her they would be quite within their rights to refuse to see me again. I think that you have to consider how children will be reacting to your MIL's put-downs.

Have a few bevvies and tell her what you really think! Go on! You owe it to your dh!

thanks koala- good idea bout getting them to repeat it. dh wouldn't do that ! I wish!! (he hates anthing remotely confrontational or aggressive) the problem is that when we say 'this is what we have time for...or this is what we find to be less stressful' they don't take our decision as an adult, informed one. They think they know better ( we are still the children, they the parents)! I am not sure they will ever take us serisouly! So basically they will do what they want...but we will refuse to be manipulated and pushed around. I also think dh has been so brainwashed that he can't confront his mother easily, so he accepts what she says. He is going to try this afternoon, to not let her patrnonise and manipulate us.

I think we have got to the very sad stage where we realise it is not going to get better with them. They are very devicive and try to play us off against each other (as libra has said the effect on the children could be awful- in many ways). We feel pretty solid to cope with this- but at times it causes huge rows. we are determined to live our lives as we want and not to give in to demands made by a mother who is very selfish and can't see any of our needs as primary.

This visit is the beginning for us, of a new ear in our relationship with them. I hope it goes well, and suspect it will.

I'll let you know!

RRW- he he he...I wish! But I am already the evil cow in her eyes...she needs to hear it from him not me!

If I wasn't bf I would have a LARGE G&T!!

PS- we can't even get them drunk to relax them - they are tee total.

There's a sort of middle way, between confronting and going along with things, where you just repeat your points calmly. "But we won't be available then, please come on X". Just keep saying it until you are heard. Do not change the words. You can prefix it with "I hear what you are saying" or "I understand you'd rather come earlier", but always end with the same boring statement.

No shouting, no confrontation, no flap. It does work.

As others have said, I'm afraid it's really your DH's job to deal with his folks.

nqc- that's what we've been doing since May. We plan to keep doing this forever now as although they keep trying- it seems to make us less stressed! I think eventually they will get used to us stating the same ole same ole over and over again and hopefully stop being quite so pushy and ignorant!

Unfortunately in the run up to this visit I think every phone call has gone like this

FIL- well we're coming up on tues/wed and staying with MIL's friend. So we'll be around from then until Monday when we go back.

dh- oh good, glad you've got sorted, I am working so we'll only be available fri (I'm working several nights next week so I can take this time off) pm and sat pm. Sunday is busy (dh is HE chaplain) and I am back at work on Monday.

FIL- oh we'll you have our number, we can come over anytime from wed-mon.

This has happenned at least 6 times!! Dh has been good at just repeating the same evrytime....but so has his dad!! We are however not budging!

They sound very stubborn.

The other things I find help are:

• if they're being annoying and you don't want to talk to them or see them, don't.
• if they're being pleasant and actually listening to you, give positive reinforcement for that. (Don't mention that they're generally horrid!)

I've been using these sorts of techniques on my parents for years, and DH has been using them on his parents for a little while now. It doesn't make things perfect, but it does help.

mm I wouldnt argue with dh (if they try to cause any rows), I would just be as pleasant as poss but if they started getting obnoxious I would open up my grid and tell them what for.

remember you and your dh have your own family now, whether relatives want to be involved it has to be by your rules at times, I wouldnt pander to them if they were my relations.

why not book a hotel for them

after May's visit they are never stayig with us again. they also have plenty of money...but have a friend who lives about 30 minutes away so they stay there....tbh there is a hotel accross the road..but I'd hate them to stay there....30 minutes is good.

too far to just pop by!!

lol mm
hope it goes well for you
dont let them stress you out
easier said than done though

wll it was ok...a few minor things came up but we stayed calm and dealt with them swiftly and smoothly. They were on their best behaviour and FIL played ever so nicely with ds 1. MIL got frustrated cos he wouldn't play the way she wanted to (ie read a book nicely- he's 20 months!), they were very nice with ds 2 also...getting lots of smiles and gurgles.

Anyway...lets hope they don't spoil it tommorrow.

PS NQC- thanks- wise advice, we try ever so hard to do those things...I suppose I always wished it would be better and maybe was too impatient about it. This way (like you suggested) will be a long road and it 'might' get better- if not we will have handled it cool and calm- with as little hurt to ourselves or the children.

Oh God MM best of luck to you. It sounds like you're going to need it.
Practise ohming, and letting stuff wash over you.
Make sure you have enough alcohol in the house and make sure you can escape to a room of sanctuary with you and your baby whenever you need to.

Failing that, fight back.

Damn I wish I'd read the full thing. It has been and gone. Dur!

I'm glad you survived.

The thing that frustrates me is, whenever I'm looking forward to seeing my in-laws, it goes really really badly. And whenever I'm dreading it, it's ok.

I'm getting a new niece or nephew, tonight or tomorrow, so I'll be running interference with them any minute now ...

And I thought my in-laws were bad!

They don't sound that bad really, mm, not compared to some IL's described on here. I get really quite sad when I read threads like this - I hate the idea that any visits I might want to make to my children when they are adults will be barely tolerated by their partners. It's perfectly understandable for parents to want to see their son for more than a couple of hours, isn't it?

(will leave this thread as am voice of dissent)

Octobernow- of ocurse it is and trust me I don't stand in the way!! I do not barely tolerate at all-I am often more generous than dh...hence why they stayed in May for a week (dh has never wanted them to stay ever) as I pursuaded dh it would be worth a try. He was right! It didn't work, so in future I will trust his decisions on visits....

I am sure you have been a more supportive mother than dh's was...he has been told he is bad at just about everything, he was an awful baby etc etc...and his mother is obssessive about eating (dh has real problems eating) and about being clean (dh can't cope when the ds's are dirty...although I am helping him on that one!). It is not my relationship with the il's that has shaped our relationship with them...it is their relationship with dh. As someone else has said- if I had done some of the things my MIL has done, I would expect my kids to be distant..

As I've said earlier...I will honestly do my best to accept my sons choices...and be supportive without judgement. Where I feel unable to be supportive- I will just keep silent.

I have not said the 1/2 of what goes on with the il's because i know so many people are in a position far worse than us...I just wanted to let of some steam. As it happens both yesterday and todays visits have been better than expected.

Dh can still not stand to be in the same room as his mum for more than a few hours (when they stayed in may he didn't even manage an hour..kept nipping off to DIY..which he had been putting off for a year) .....and unfortunately I can't do anything about.

NQC- I hope the 'interference' with the il's goes better than expected for you too.

and when i say using diy as an excuse to leave the room......he doesn't even know the difference between clockwise and anti clockwise...and I hang all the pics in the house....drill walls etc etc...so he must have really wanted to do the jobs that I had asked him to do when we moved in in MAY 2004!!